All comics by elbingador

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by elbingador
1-24-02
Hi. May I take your order?
Don't you have to seat me first?
No. This is a fast food restaurant. You seat yourself here.
Boy, talk about your lack of service!
All fast food places are the same way! You order here, then you pick your own table!
Unless I get to take the table home with me, I see no reason to waste further time here.

 

by elbingador
1-24-02
What the hell is this thing? It looks like something I stepped in the other day.
It must be one of Josh's ratty, old toys from when he was a baby. I'll just have to throw it out.
All right, little fella, daddy's going to send you off to toy heaven.
I swear, old man, if you lay one wrinkly finger on me, you'll be searching for your teeth for the next three weeks easy.

 

by elbingador
1-24-02
I beat up your dad the other day.
How could an inanimate puppet like you beat up even the most feeble of fathers?
He started it. He was trying to throw me away.
That's not what I meant. It's just a curious situation, you know?
All right. I'll bite. What are you so curious about?
Isn't it obvous? You don't have arms or legs. How did you even manage to punch and kick him?

 

by elbingador
1-24-02
So, you're Bernie's girlfriend?
Yeah. He's a little rough around the edges, but I kinda like him anyway.
Yeah. He may not have a house or a car like me, or have a steady job like me, or have all his teeth...
...but what it comes down to is that you two are in love. You're meant for each other.
What are you doing Friday night?

 

by elbingador
1-26-02
Cheryl, I'm really flattered that you've taken such an interest in me. But I don't think it'll work out.
I don't see why not. We're both human. We've got all the right parts, right?
Well, yeah, but I don't think that you and I are what I'd consider a good match.
Come on! We'll work together! It's like the sheet of directions in the box Bernie lives in says.
All we have to do is insert Tab A into Slot B.

 

by elbingador
1-26-02
I think your girlfriend's being unfaithful to you, Bernie.
I don't understand.
I think there's a chance that Cheryl may be sneaking around behind your back.
Could you maybe put that into layman's terms for me?
Your whore hit on me.
You say that like it's a bad thing.

 

by elbingador
1-26-02
Sis, I need some girl advice.
Okay. What do you want to know?
Shoud I have sex with a wanton whore who seems to be repeatedly throwing herself at me?
That's disgusting! And that question doesn't yield girl advice.
Why not? You're a girl, aren't you?
I think you've confused the meaning of the term, Josh. As for your question, odds are it would be better directed at dad.

 

by elbingador
1-26-02
Josh, I have something to tell you.
I have to tell you something too, Tony.
I'm tired of hearing about all of these girls that you're going out with.
Oh.
What did you want to tell me?
Nothing. Well, not anymore, anyway.

 

by elbingador
1-26-02
I can't wait for that phone to ring.
Ring, damn you! Ring!
What's dad doing?
He's waiting for a call from a telemarketer. He came up with te exact strand of swear words that he wants to use to tell them off.

 

by elbingador
1-27-02
Hee hee hee.
Ha ha ha. Hee Hee.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Fine! Tell me about your stupid date last night!

 

by elbingador
1-27-02
I'm going on a date tomorrow. But this time it's going to be different.
Are you planning on taking your date to a restaraunt without a drive-thru this time?
No. We're going to eat at Arby's, just like always. But this time, there's going to be cameras there.
So the police are going to capture the girl beating the hell out of you with her purse on tape before running into the fray in an attempt to rescue you?
Tony, I'm going on that dating show, Blind Date.
Of course, once she starts whaling on you with her purse, you'll be blind long after the date ends.

 

by elbingador
1-27-02
Welcome to Blind Date. Please tell us a little bit about yourself so we can use your information to evaluate you shamelessly over the course of your date.
Okay. My name is Josh. I'm twenty-four years old, and I still live with my parents. One of my best friends is a homeless boozehound. I work at a fast food restaraunt for less than minimum wage.
That should do.
Don't you want to know anything about my personality?
Our computer evaluation has concluded that you have no personality. But don't worry. It's things like this that make people ideal candidates for our show.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
It's really nice of you to come on this date with me. It's very validating to know that there's another person out there who's willing to go out with me.
I mean, I'd be the first to admit that I've been around the block once or twice before. But still, that doesn't make me any less of a human being. And it's really great that you can understand that.
Okay, fine. Maybe once or twice is a little inaccurate. It's more along the lines of eighty-six or eighty-seven times.
You do know you're being videotaped, right?

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
All right! My show is on.
Welcome back to Blind Date. I'm Roger Lodge.
I should call people and tell them to watch this.
Tonight, in our Hall Of Shame, we'll take a look at Josh. Apparently, Josh has a bit of a problem acting human around women. Heck, we're still trying to find out if he's not just a shaved ape!
I should not call people and tell them to watch this. Even if it's really just a gross misinterpretation on their part.
Hey, sugar butt! Are you going to eat the rest of that banana? 'Cause I'll tell you, woman, I just love bananas! Eek eek eek!

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
I saw you on Blind Date last night. I must say, you really outdid yourself. I know you're not much of a dater, but that was ridiculous.
At least I remembered her name this time.
Oh, really? What was it again?
Well, you can't ask me now! You should have asked me wen I was at the shoot, like, right after she introduced herself to me.
You're trying to salvage your dating reputation by telling me you remembered her name for two seconds? Sorry, my friend, but that's just sad.
I think the only reason you don't date is because you don't want me coming up with keen observations like that.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
Hey, sis. I suppose you saw Blind Date last night.
Nope. I don't like watching TV. You know how I can't stand sitting on the same couch that dad's monopolized for the past three years straight.
Thank goodness. I was on Blind Date last night, and I made a complete ass of myself. I really didn't want you to see it and think less of me.
Don't worry, Josh. I don't think less of you.
Thank goodness.
I don't have to witness you making an ass out of yourself to know you're an ass. Now get the hell away from me.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
I saw you on Blind Date the other night.
You can't be serious.
Believe it, buster. You know, by the end of the show, your face was as pink as my fabric.
I know it was embarassing, but I didn't blush that much.
No, you didn't. But after that guy in the Grimace costume attacked you, there was pink fur pretty much everywhere.
Up until just now, I didn't realize his name was Grimace.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
I saw you on Blind Date the other night.
You can't be serious.
Believe it, buster. You know, by the end of the show, your face was as pink as my fabric.
I know it was embarassing, but I didn't blush that much.
No, you didn't. But after that guy in the Grimace costume attacked you, there was pink fur pretty much everywhere.
Up until just now, I didn't realize his name was Grimace.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
I saw you on Blind Date the other night.
You can't be serious.
Believe it, buster. You know, by the end of the show, your face was as pink as my fabric.
I know it was embarassing, but I didn't blush that much.
No, you didn't. But after that guy in the Grimace costume attacked you, there was pink fur pretty much everywhere.
Up until just now, I didn't realize his name was Grimace.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
I think I'm getting over the public humiliation that I went through when I was on Blind Date.
That's a bit surprising.
How so?
Well, I mean, if you'll pardon the expression, you basically tore yourself a new one on television where thousands of people saw you. How could you get over it so fast?
This morning I accidentally lit my ass on fire at the mall.
Is that your little secret? Remind me to try that next time I want to cheer myself up.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
How's my favorite son doing these days?
Not bad, dad. I think I grew a couple inches last night. All of a sudden, it seems like I'm bigger than you.
Congratulations, my boy!
Oh, wait. Nevermind. I think you're just shrinking.
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were making fun of my age.
That sounds like something an old person might say.

 

by elbingador
2-03-02
Tony, I need to ask you a favor.
For the last time, you can't borrow my car for your trip through the bird sanctuary.
No, not that. I can't go into work tomorrow, and I need you to fill in for me.
Me? Work in a fast food place? I don't think so, pal.
Come on! It's easy. I've usually only got one customer per day anyway.
First, you tell me what the bathroom quality is. Then, we'll see.

 

by elbingador
2-04-02
Hi, there. May I take your order?
Wait just a second. You're not my regular guy. Who are you, and what do you want to help me with?
Relax, sir. I'm just filling in for my friend, Josh. He had some business to take care of, so I'll be taking your order today. Don't worry, I'm just as competant as Josh, if not more so.
I swear, if you kidnapped Josh and took over his post, I'm going to have you fired! You hear me?
Listen, pal. I normally work in an office building. I have my very own office with a huge window, and the best computer money can buy. Why in the world do you think I'd rather work here?
I don't know. But I hear that this place gets to be a real babe magnet around happy hour.

 

by elbingador
2-04-02
Hey, Tony. Thanks for taking over for me at my job yesterday. I really appreciate it.
No problem. Although I did miss a day of work, the head honchos at my job seem to like me enough that they probably wouldn't have given me too much gibberish work to take care of.
Well, if it turns out that any inconveniences were caused by the situation, tell your boss to contact me, and I will personally rectify the whole thing.
That's awfully nice of you. But there shouldn't be a problem.
All right. If you say so. I just hope that my regular customers didn't give you too much of a problem.
One guy shot his mouth off at me, but it was no biggie. On a totally unrelated subject, do you sometimes feel like we're missing things when we just stand around talking like this?

 

by elbingador
2-04-02
Please don't let my dad ask me how I'm doing. I'm begging you, all powers that be, let him just let me walk past him in silence. No sense making him start up a conversation.
Thank goodness he kept his trap shut.
Thank goodness he kept his trap shut.

 

by elbingador
2-05-02
How have things been with your girlfriend lately?
Pretty good. Cheryl and I are very happy together.
Do you go on dates like other couples?
Sometimes. But we mostly go on drug-induced binges of alcohol and dumpster-diving.
Boy, your dates sound a lot more exciting than mine.
The best part is that you can never be too sure about where you're going to wake up the next day.

 

by elbingador
2-06-02
Cheryl, these past few months have been just wonderful.
Yeah. The drug parties have been a blast.
You know that's not what I'm talking about, Cheryl.
No, I don't. I don't know much of anything. See, I found this bottle of Zyrtex in the dumpster on Third Street, so I've been having trouble managing to know much of anything.
I'm talking about us. I think I want to take our relationship to the next level.
If you're thinking about taking my virginity, good luck. I misplaced mine over a dozen years ago.

 

by elbingador
2-06-02
I think I could see the two of us forming a deeper relationship together.
Uh huh.
But I need to know, before this conversation goes any further, is that what you see, too?
Welcome to the age of self-destructing ping-pong table feathers. Goo goo ga-joob! Asphalt in yours and my rubber trousers are fantastic plethora mouse burns. Fudge sticks employing mental coffee?
Ironically enough, I think I see almost exactly the same thing you told me you saw the other day. We must have similar diets or something.

 

by elbingador
2-10-02
Admit it, Cheryl. You can't get enough of me. You want to spend the rest of your life with me. You need to be with me forever.
I don't know, Bernie. Forever is a long time.
I understand, but I love you so very much.
Speaking of forever, when the hell am I going to get that prescription for Ritalin that I ordered? It seems like it's taking a lifetime for that stupid pharmacy of mine to get it.
Baby, we can't go on like this. I need to know now, or never...wait a second, when did you order Ritalin?
I haven't ordered it yet. I figured the psychic lady outside the pharmacy woud tell them I needed some. She's good at finding out stuff like that.

 

by elbingador
2-10-02
I was just assigned a new project at work intailing the conduction of studies of family relationships. You know, interactions between family members. Specifically dinner table conversations.
I mostly watch TV when I eat. Although I did have one troubling conversation when I was younger.
I'm supposed to monitor a few families around the neighborhood. Something like fifteen households. The project needs to be finished by three weeks from now, so I'm gonna need to get started soon.
It was my whole family. We were having this fairly pleasant conversation. Of course, the hell if I remember what it ws about.
Hey! You know, there's a chance I might be able to use a dysfunctional family like yours in my project! Mind if I drop by, say, fourish tomorrow afternoon?
So, I try to ask my dad to pass the salt, but I accidentally call him a lousy bastard who ruined my childhood instead.

 

by elbingador
4-29-02
One fish.
Two fish.
Red fish.
Blue fish.
This online book would be good if it weren't for these impossible-to-follow plots.
I am the Lorax.

 

by elbingador
5-02-02
This food is awful! Who in the world could have possibly cooked something so horrible?
Uh, I believe that would be you, dad. By the way, I got fired today from the restaurant, but don't worry. After five or six grease fires there, they'll beg for me to come back.
What the hell is this puppet doing at the dinner table?
I swear, sister, you lay one finger on me, and I will see to it that you never walk again. That said, I wish someone would pass the salt.
What do you mean I was adopted?
This is golden. I've gotten more than enough information to write my article, now.

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