All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
10-31-01
PRIMARY GOAL: FIND ORIGIN. NOTHING WILL DETER TOBY FROM THIS GOAL.
Hey, look at me! I'm a hot ass!
...PROCESSING...
Well, what are you waiting for?
TOBY SUPPOSES HE COULD TAKE A LITTLE DETOUR...
Detour your way behind me, you big hunk!

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
The Daystrom Computer Institute...
So you want to find your origin, eh? What's the earliest thing you can remember?
LOUD NOISE... GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN... THEN BIG CRASH!!!
Big crash, eh? Let me see...
HRRMMM... THAT FEELS FUNNY...
I see the problem... you're running Windows 98!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
Redmond, Washington...
Yes, I'm Bill Gates. How can I help you?
TOBY NEEDS TO LEARN ORIGIN! AM TOLD TOBY IS RUNNING WINDOWS 98!
Let me see... Yes, we wrote your operating system, but not your primary personality application.
WHO WROTE IT? WHO? TELL TOBY!!
It would seem to be... Computer Associates!
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
Redomond, Washington...
CAN BILL GATES EXPLAIN TOBY'S MEMORY LOSS?
Well, it could be a memory leak. Those are pretty common. We could upgrade you to Windows XP. Let me take a look.
HRRRMMM... THAT FEELS FUNNY!!!
Your system has undergone some kind of shock... Hey, this is interesting! You seem to be in a recursive cornholing loop!
SPEAKING OF CORNHOLING... TOBY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WINDOWS XP LICENSING SCHEME!
Umm.. I'd love you chat more but I really must be going!

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
Islandia, New York...
Welcome to Computer Associates... Toby! Is that you?
MARGARITA, MY FELLOW HOOKER!! TOBY IS SEARCHING FOR HIS ORIGIN. WHY ARE YOU HERE?
I'm a special consultant to CA, specializing in quality assurance!
TOBY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND...
Why do you think their software sucks so much?
TOBY UNDERSTANDS...

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
Computer Associates headquarters...
I can't find much information about your program, Toby. Most of it is secured... very hush hush.
HUSH HUSH?
It may have been a special job for the government, or maybe a rich client. I did learn one thing -- we subcontracted the job out to a programmer in California.
TO WHO? WHO WAS THE PROGRAMMER?
You're not going to believe this, but... it's Ron Jeremy.
RON JEREMY IS TOBY'S DADDY? THIS STARTS TO MAKE SENSE...

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
The estate of Ron Jeremy...
RON JEREMY? NICE DYE JOB. YOU LOOK GOOD AS A REDHEAD. TOBY KNOWS IT ISN'T NATURAL. SEEN ALL YOUR FILMS!
...nice kitty...
YOU WROTE TOBY'S PROGRAM. NEED YOU TO FIX IT. BIG MEMORY LOSS!
...kitty cat kitty cat meow meow kitty kitty purr kitty whee!!! You're a big kitty!! Kiss me kitty!! Kissy kiss!
RON JEREMY IS INSANE!!!
Rosebud!

 

by fuzzyman
10-31-01
The home of Ron Jeremy...
HRRRM!! RON JEREMY IS INSANE. CAN TELL ME NOTHING. BUT HE DID SAY "ROSEBUD." MAYBE...
Enter password: *** rosebud *** ACCESS DENIED
RAAARRRR!!!!
Enter password: **** anus **** ACCESS DENIED
RRRR!!! ONE MORE TRY...
Enter password: *** cornhole *** ACCESS GRANTED. Would you like to play a game?

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
NOW THAT TOBY HAS ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER, HE WILL FIND CLUE TO HIS ORIGIN!!
Hey there.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
You haven't cornholed somebody in at least 4 strips. The readers expect an average of .5 cornholings per strip. So, here I am!
Ummm... Toby? What about the plot?
RRRAAARR! SHUT UP WRITER MAN, OR YOU GET CORNHOLED NEXT! TURN AROUND, DONKEY!
This thing has a plot? News to me!

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
A normal day in the lives of Jim and Laura Dalmore...
Laura..?
I'm upstairs, Jim.
You know that prescription I got from Steinem Pharmecutical for my hair loss?
Yeah, that Femoxidil stuff? What about it?
Okay, so it's not such a normal day.
I think there were some side effects...
Like what?

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all.
And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none, I can read the writing on the wall.
Kodachrome, you give us those nice bright colors. You give us the greens of summers. Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah!
I got a Nikon camera. I love to take a photograph. So Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away.
If you took all the girls I knew when I was single and brought them all together for one night.
I know they'd never match my sweet imagination... and everything looks worse in black and white.

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
Look, be reasonable!
George W. Bush is evil, I say! The personification of evil on Earth!
You just disagree with his policies. Surely there are some good things about the man...
Nope! He's evil! No trace of goodness in him at all!
Everything has to be black and white with you, doesn't it?
EVIL!

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
*beep* File not found.
RRRRM.... TOBY'S SOURCE CODE IS NOT HERE... BUT MAYBE DATA ON WHO COMMISIONED TOBY's PROGRAM...
*beep* File not found.
RRRAAARRR! COMPUTER WILL GIVE TOBY DATA, OR TOBY WILL CORNHOLE TINY USB PORT WITH BIG TELESCOPING PHALLUS!
*beep* Richard Gere. Secret Hideaway: Death Valley, California.
RRRM! TOBY'S GOT L337 SK1LZ!

 

by fuzzyman
11-01-01
Toby wanders around Death Valley... Searching... Searching...
WHERE IS RICHARD GERE'S SECRET HIDEAWAY??
Days go by without the basic necessities... then weeks...
RRRAAARR! WHERE??? HE MUST BE SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE!!!
After weeks of wandering the desert, Toby 's circuits can take no more!
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, TOBY SHALL NEVER GO CORNHOLE-LESS AGAIN!!
Say, are you lookin' for Richard Gere?

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
YOU CAN TAKE TOBY TO RICHARD GERE?
I work for him. So you're calling yourself Toby, eh? You have amnesia or something?
TOBY REMEMBERS NOTHING BEFORE BIG CRASH. NEEDS RICHARD GERE COMISSIIONED MY PROGRAM. MAYBE HE CAN FIX IT.
Well, I don't know if he can fix you, be he will certainly be happy to see you! You've been missing for months!
QUESTION: TOBY THOUGHT RICHARD GERE WAS INTO HAMSTERS, NOT SQUIRRELS.
Workin' his way up the food chain, my friend. Workin' his way up the food chain! And the hamsters are into him, if you catch my meaning.

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
SO THIS IS RICHARD GERE'S SECRET DEATH VALLEY HIDEAWAY? WHEN CAN TOBY MEET HIM?
You wait here... I'll go get him.
RICHARD GERE?
In the flesh, ha ha!
RICHARD GERE IS DEAD?
So's my acting career. What's your point?

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
TOBY NEEDS MEMORY GAPS FIXED. ALSO HAVE PROBLEM WITH RECURSIVE CORNHOLING LOOP!
The cornholing loop is a normal part of your program. You were designed to cornhole! Oh, and your name is Tobor, not Toby. Your memory banks must have been severely damaged!
TOBOR. TOBY'S NAME IS TOBOR. [PROCESSING] THESE PAST MONTHS, TOBOR HAS LEARNED MANY NEW SUBROUTINES!!
Oh, like what?
SUCKY, SUCKY!
Oh my!

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
The Death Valley hideaway of Richard Gere...
SO TOBOR WAS BUILT JUST TO CORNHOLE YOU?
Well, partly. You're also the prototype for PrisonBot XL, designed to keep those big, burly maximum security prisoners appropriately subdued.
HOW WOULD TOBOR SUBDUE PRISONERS?
By cornholing them twenty-four hours a day, of course!
RRRRMMMM! SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM!
Yes, I've often dreamed of big, burly maximum security prisoners.

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
HOW DID TOBOR LOSE HIS MEMORY?
Well, we boosted the power to your telescoping phallus. You extended it a bit too fast and catapulted yourself clear over the horizon. All we found were some injured cowboys.
CAN TOBOR'S MEMORY BE RESTORED?
I think if we recreate the conditions of the original experiment, the amnesia may reverse itself...
One day at the ranch...
What was I sayin'? Oh yeah, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha! Hey, there's that whistling sound again! Oh SHIT! SHIT! SH--

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
The smoke clears... and Tobor emerges from the ashes..
TOBOR REMEMBERS!!!!
Tobor remembers, indeed! He remembers day after day of cornholing Richard Gere's pasty white ass! Gerbils and squirrels scurrying over his telescoping member! Day after day with only one ass to fill!
SO... TIRED...
Come here, Tobor! Time to ravage my ass again!!!
TOBOR WISHES HE COULD FORGET!!!

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
And so, our story comes to an end...
TOBOR WON'T GO BACK TO RICHARD GERE. HAD ENOUGH OF THAT... MUST FIND NEW ASSES TO CORNHOLE!!
Yes,Tobor begins wandering in search of tight holes! This chapter of Tobor's life is at an end. But perhaps it is the beginning of a new chapter? Perhaps you, dear reader, will write that chapter?
*AHEM*
Any final words before we go, Tobor?
STOP NARRATING EVERY PANEL LIKE A FUCKING NEWBIE OR TOBOR WILL SHOW YOU WHAT CORNHOLE REALLY MEANS!!

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
Welcome to "In Search Of..." I'm Leonard Nimoy. Loch Ness. Dark. Deep. What lurks beneath it's surface?
Some say there is a monster beneath these murky waters. Others claim it is plesiosaur. Others regard this "Loch Ness Monster" as a myth.
*GGGrmph** We are inclined to say that those who claim the monster is a myth are full of shit **GAAaakk!!!

 

by fuzzyman
11-02-01
Welcome to "In Search Of..." I'm Leonard Nimoy. TOBOR. Large. Red. Gigantic telecoping phallus of mythic proportions.
TOBOR cornholes the willing and unwilling alike. So the legends say. But does TOBOR really exist?
*wink*
OHHH HE EXISTS! OH MY *GOD* HE EXISTS! AIIEEEE!!!!
TOBOR CORNHOLES, THEREFORE TOBOR IS!

 

by fuzzyman
11-03-01
Welcome to "In Search Of..." I'm Leonard Nimoy. Kevin Keegan's Perm. Large. Bushy. Moused like no perm before or since. Amazing.
Not seen since the late 1970's, some say that Kevin Keegan's perm never existed. A figment, they say, of our collective imaginations.
Let's get this overwith...
You sir... Mr. Fuzzyman! Have you seen Kevin Keegan's perm recently?
Crap, no! I had to look up who the frick Kevin Keegan was to even do this episode.

 

by fuzzyman
11-03-01
RRRAAAARRR!!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!!!
If, by "cornhole" you mean that you will ravage my anus many times... I'm all for it!
YOU ARE NOT SCARED OF TOBOR?
Not it you're going to "cornhole" me, I'm not! I'm looking forward to it!
DID NOT THINK ANCIENT PEOPLES WOULD BE SO WILLING. WHO *ARE* YOU?
Levi Rubenstien, Sodom Visitors Bureau, at your service!

 

by fuzzyman
11-04-01
[exposition to establish setting situation or prod response from second character]
[further exposition, intruducing new element to the storyline]
[unexpected response]
[leading question or a statement guaranteed to elicit a response]
[punchline]
[CORNHOLE!!!]

 

by fuzzyman
11-04-01
Welcome to "In Search Of..." I'm Leonard Nimoy. Talisker. A robust single-malt with a long, deep smoky finish. What makes it so good?
I couldn't tell you. I've been sober for thirteen years.
Hey, Mr. Spock! Duuuuuude!
God, I need a drink.
Live long and prosper, dude!

 

by fuzzyman
11-04-01
Our mission to save the humans has failed. Though they are dead, we shall remember them. We must never forget them.
Yes... we must never forget them.
I SAID... WE MUST NEVER FORGET THEM!!
Sorry, I was on the crapper. Never forget the humans. Gotcha.

 

by fuzzyman
11-05-01
I've checked everywhere. All the humans seem to have killed themselves. Not a surprise, really.
Yes, pour souls. The radiation is at levels that their poor flesh-and-bone bodies could not possibly survive.
Indeed. No more humans. It is... strangely quiet, you know?
Quite! I shall miss them. Their capering, posturing, loving and fighting. I think that I shall miss them.
Really?
No, not really! Care for a crumpet?

 

by fuzzyman
11-05-01
Hi, I'd like to buy a EconoDisc EC-38 flying saucer.
Hello, I'll be your SalesBot! Looking for an EC-38? You could upgrade to a LuxoDisc XL-55 for only a few credits more a quarter.
No, thank you. An EconoDisc EC-38 is sufficient for my family's needs.
Surely the wife and podlings would appreciate the extra space and convenience of the XL-55! Let's just test fly one and see how it fits, eh?
Let me explain. I'd like to buy an EconoDisc EC-38.
Can I offer you floormats with that?

 

by fuzzyman
11-05-01
Welcome to "Noxid: Robot Psychic!" I'm your host, Dreebo Skataway, Glorious Assistant Prefect of Alternate Universe 33B.
I am Noxid, Robot Psychic. We're going to have a great show today!
Well, you would know! Ha, ha! So, how--
--How is it that I can see the future?
Why, yes! How did you know I was going to ask that?
Just a little trick I do with the space-time continuum!

 

by fuzzyman
11-05-01
One day at the laboratory...
So I says, "Well, them cowpokes ain't gonna punch them doggies by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fuzzyman
11-06-01
Are the Glaswegians from the Alternate Universe breaking through the dimensional rift?
Yes, sir! We are trying to stop them, but I fear that our engines cannot take the strain!
Meanwhile, in the Alternate Universe...
Och, Cap'n! Me poor bairns canna take much more o' this! You'll shake 'er apart!
Shake 'er apart, then!! We mus' break through! Och!

 

by fuzzyman
11-07-01
Sucky, Sucky, Five Dollar.
Excuse me?
You give me five dollar, I give you sucky.
You're offering me a blow job? Do you realize who you're talking to?
I dunno. Boss says offer sucky to guys with big woody. You sure got a big woody there!
I don't think meant guys hanging off of big wooden crosses, dearie.

 

by fuzzyman
11-07-01
Sucky, Sucky, Five Dollar.
Excuse me?
You give me five dollar, I give you sucky.
You're offering me a blow job? Do you realize who you're talking to?
I dunno. Boss says offer sucky to guys with big woody. You sure got a big woody there!
Fine, then. Can you reach my wallett? I'd really like to nail you... pun intended.

 

by fuzzyman
11-08-01
Everything is all wrong, Ishmael. I can't go on like this any longer.
But you said that you loved me!
The thing is... I've been too long at sea. I want something different. A woman. Barefoot, pregnant, and in the--
--kitchen, I know. You've said it a million times. I.. I... just can't believe that you'd leave me for a WOMAN.
Sink all coffins and hearses to one common pool! It's true! Please forgive me.
I'll never forgive you for this, Ahab!

 

by fuzzyman
11-08-01
Everything ready? Let's get this overwith.
But surely there must be another way!
The best way to fix this is to follow my plan. Now say your goodbyes.
Kitchen... goodbye! Poop deck... goodbye! Bridge... goodbye! Promenade deck... goodbye! Okay, sir. I'm *sniffle* ready.
And so, Captain Stubing ensured that there would never again be another Love Boat sequel.
Sink the Pacific Princess!! Gopher... you can go now.
*sob*

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
EVERYTHING MUST GO! COME ON DOWN TO CRAZBY TOBOR'S FALL APPLIANCE CLEARANCE SALE... NOW!!!!
But, Tobor! The economy is tight. Even with your Toboriffic prices, people still might have trouble affording these great deals!
THE BEST PART IS ZERO PERCENT FINANCING *AND* NO PAYMENTS FOR 180 DAYS ON EVERY ITEM IN THE STORE!
Kitchen appliances? Vacuums? Washing machines? Electric toothbrushes? Wow! How could this get any better?
SINK YOUR TEETH INTO THIS: FREE CORNHOLING WITH *EVERY* PURCHASE!
Two cornholings if you're cute!

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
EVERYTHING MUST GO! COME ON DOWN TO CRAZY TOBOR'S FALL APPLIANCE CLEARANCE SALE... NOW!!!!
But, Tobor! The economy is tight. Even with your Toboriffic prices, people still might have trouble affording these great deals!
THE BEST PART IS ZERO PERCENT FINANCING *AND* NO PAYMENTS FOR 180 DAYS ON EVERY ITEM IN THE STORE!
Kitchen appliances? Vacuums? Washing machines? Electric toothbrushes? Wow! How could this get any better?
SINK YOUR TEETH INTO THIS: FREE CORNHOLING WITH *EVERY* PURCHASE!
Two cornholings if you're cute!

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
Hello? IBM Tech Support? Ever since I loaded Windows XP on my Aptiva, something has been sucking up all my memory.
Yes, we’ve been hearing a lot of that lately. To fix this problem, you’ll need to load a patch that we call “Linux.” We’ll ship it right out to you. Have a great day!
Hello? Mars Candy Bar Tech Support? I’m following your recipe for Fried Mars Bars, but I can’t suck off the crispy coating like I used to back home in Connecticut.
I see that you’re calling from Colorado. If you’re living 10,000 feet above sea level, we recommend adding two pounds of lard to the hot oil. Thank you for calling!
Hello? Marilyn Manson Tech Support? No matter how loud I play your new album, it still sucks.
Yeah, well, fuck you, bitch.

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
Everything is getting all freaky... Man, this is some good weed!
But there may be unintended side effects, eh?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Jesus Christ, who do you think I am? Now get into the kitchen. You're going to puke in a minute.
Uhhhh... I don't feel so good. Oh shit... where's the sink? How did you know this? You can see the future?
No, I had a hit of the same stuff once and hurled loaves and fishes all over Judas. Man, was he pissed.

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
SORRY ABOUT THE BLEEDING! TOBOR IS SURE IT WILL HEAL SOON!!!
Hello there!
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'm your evil twin. I've been sent to destroy you.
THE HELL YOU ARE!
The hell I am!

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-01
YOU CAN NOT BE TOBOR'S EVIL TWIN. YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE TOBOR!
Yes, well, we're fraternal twins. Variations on a theme, as it were.
RRRAAAARR!! YOU CAN NOT DESTROY TOBOR!
Oh, Tobodear, it will be simple. You see... my eyes glow red, where yours only glow yellow.
TOBOR'S ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS!!
Oh, you macho types, always hung up on size!

 

by fuzzyman
11-10-01
You see, my dear Tobor, I've already begun to destroy you!
WHY does TOBOR feel SO strange?
I've infected you with a virus. Your personality is being inverted as we speak! Ha, ha!
This WILL never work. I MUST resist. YOU will not change me...
Tut, tut, it's already too late. Now.. How do you feel?
I say, old chap! I feel like being cornholed! Care to have a go?

 

by fuzzyman
11-10-01
Well! You have certainly inverted my personality! I don't see how this going to destroy me, though. I feel wonderful!
Tell me, Tobor. What is it that you desire more than anything else in the world?
Why... to be cornholed repeatedly! Yes, that's it!
Indeed. The virus is in full effect. But there's something coming between you and getting cornholed, now isn't there?
*whimper* I was built without an anus! Nooooo!
Yes! You will eventually short-circuit from frustration. Gods, I'm brilliant!

 

by fuzzyman
11-10-01
A few days later...
Welcome to Bendover Systems. How can I help-- Toby!!! Is it really you?
Glen, my old lover! The name is Tobor now. What are you doing here?
I am the proud recipient of the world's first artificial anus. Since you ravaged my ass I couldn't keep the poop in. I work here now as a demonstrator.
Well, an artificial anus is exactly why I came here.
Great! Let me just get my pants down and I'll show you what this baby can do! Hee hee!
Ummm...

 

by fuzzyman
11-10-01
So you're saying that a virus has inverted your personality, and you have no desire to cornhole anyone.
Exactly.
In fact, your only desire now is to be cornholed. Yet, you have no anus.
Which is why I'm hoping you can install one for me.
This is what happens when you forget to update the signature files in your copy of "Norton Anti-Virus for Ass-Raping Robots."
Are you going to help me or not?

 

by fuzzyman
11-11-01
The headquarters of Bendover Systems, makers of the world's only artificial anus...
So, Glen, old chap, how soon can I have an anus installed?
Tobor... I'm sorry... the artificial anus was created for humans. It won't interface with your systems!
Surely there must be a way!
I'm afraid not. You'll need to find some other way to solve your problem.
This is just your way of moving the plot along, isn't it?
Hee, hee! Guilty as charged!

 

by fuzzyman
11-11-01
We'd like to congratulate Fuzzyman on completing this, his 100th comic.
Hold on. Congratulations are premature. He has not yet completed this comic.
By the time anyone reads this it *will* be complete, so your point is, well... pointless.
Speaking of pointless, have you noticed that more than 33% of Fuzzyman's comics feature an ass-raping robot?
What in heaven's name is funny about an ass-raping robot?
Turn around... I'll show you.

 

by fuzzyman
11-12-01
Excuse me, sir. Have you seen my cat, Shockie? I left her on my front porch.
Poo-ye-yi! You bebette done gone, all right! I seen some crazy man take 'n run with that thing.
Some crazy man stole my cat? What did he look like?
Some grande beede of a fella. Yellin' and hollerin' "BANG!" and "POW!" He surely smelled of my-nez! Hooo-eee!
Emeril stole my cat? Why would he do that?
I dunno, sumthin' about a roux.

Showing page 2.

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