All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
6-24-05
oh yah, that's the shit right there. oh baby, your pussy so tight
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY DAUGHTER, YOU SICK FUCK!!!!! SHE'S ONLY 3 YEARS OLD!!!!!
3 years old??? sir, I'm so sorry! she told me she was 18!!
and you believed ... ...
gotcha
you did. i'm not gonna lie

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
what are you doing to my grandson?
i'm ravishing him mercilesly. for all his life, my face will be the first of his days and the last of his nights. it is MY face he'll awake to from nightmares. mine he'll recall on his deathbed.
i doubt he'll recall your face tomorrow with you going at him from behind like that
... ... dammit, you're right. i'll have to start over.
thanks a lot, grandma!
I'll go make those peanut butter cookies for when you kids finish up

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
son when i was about your age my dad shared with me a family saying that his dad shared with him. that his dad shared with him. and his dad with him and back and back farther than anyone can remember
would you like to hear it?
sure, dad
"BEWARE the shimmering yellow magic! it's hot to the hand and blackens all it does touch! sacrifice the innocent to satiate its evil thirst! now! do it while they sleep! do it in multiples of 3!"

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
son, when i was about your age my dad shared with me a family saying that his dad shared with him. that his dad shared with him. and his dad with him and back and back farther than anyone can remember
would you like to hear it?
sure, dad
"so there we is in the burrough, me and pac-money B. so B says to me, yo dog, let's roll on those fools and i fire back 'show ya right!' so we gack those mofos and head over to Al's for a fatburger."
did gacking those mofos satiate the shimmering yellow magic's evil thirst?

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
son, when i was about your age my dad shared with me a family saying that his dad shared with him. that his dad shared with him. and his dad with him and back and back farther than anyone can remember
would you liike to hear it?
sure, dad
Ooo Oooo OOO OOO OOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!!
sounds like what you're describing is fire

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
JIMMY, THE WAY YOU PINCHED KAREN SHOWED A COMPLETE LACK OF PROFESSIONALISM.
BUT KAREN, THE WAY YOU DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK MAKES ME WONDER WHAT YOU WILL DO WHEN I MAKE YOU HALL MONITOR. KAREN?
yes, mr. trump?
YOU'RE FIRED.

 

by mandingo
6-24-05
MR HACKENSLASH, THE WAY YOU REPEATEDLY STABBED MS BELFRY IN THE FACE SHOWS YOU ARE A MONSTER WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HUMAN LIFE
BUT YOU, MS BELFRY, THE WAY YOU JUST STOOD THERE AND TOOK IT WHILE MR HACKENSLASH STABBED YOU IN THE FACE, AND HIM LAUGHING AT YOU WHILE YOU DID, MADE THIS AN EASY DECISION. MS BELFRY?
yes, mr. trump?
TELL MR HACKENSLASH HE'S HIRED

 

oh Father, I so badly need closure. it feels like he's still on his way home and will show up any minute. maybe if I see him I can beleive it and start to move on
the casket's right behind me, Clikclak. go to him this instant.... OOOOooo... on second thought, i think thats a bad idea. god looks down on viewing the dead, you know.
by mandingo, 6-24-05

 

by mandingo
6-26-05
i think we're going to have to split up if we're ever going to get out of here alive
yah, you're right.
you go back to that precipice we passed earlier and climb down that vine we saw. just be careful of bats while descending and make sure you have a good grip because part of that cliffside was crumblin
okay
i'll go toward that hole in the wall with the exit sign above it
god speed!

 

this is hell? you're kidding, right? it looks like an office building.
it is an office building. very nice one in fact. good cafeteria on the 3rd floor. nice tv room on 8. pool and sauna on 17. but you'll find there are no stairwells and all the elevators play wang chung
by mandingo, 6-26-05

 

by mandingo
6-26-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
What about Grandpa Levi?
He's in the shower.

 

by mandingo
6-26-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
What about John Rocker?
John's a good boy and a practicing anti-semetic, but he's not related to us. I guess you could say besides being a good pitcher, John's also a fine pinch-Hitler.

 

by mandingo
6-26-05
oh yeah... right there. good as always, John... oh, damn. I forgot to put the kitty out. I'll be right back, sweety. cover your eyes, I'm going to turn on the light.
NO, DON'T!
okay, i know what it looks like, but i'm not a rapist. i'm Tyrone. your husband hires me to make love to you when he'd rather be watching ESPN.
oh, really...
you ready for some sweet lovin, sug... SWEET GOD VOMIT, MY ASS!!!!!!
sorry, John, but I'm afraid Gilmore Girls is on and i have a new client.

 

by mandingo
6-26-05
i'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you're not really a "ghost with legs," there never was a "Cole Mansion Mystery" and our discovery of the "sacred rope" is about to seem much less satisfying

 

by mandingo
6-27-05
Welcome to Mars. I am Vice Minstrel Clagtorine.
Greetings from the people of earth, Vice Minstrel. I'm Commander Varney. This is Liutenant Branson.
Greetings, Liutenant.
What up, foo! ... ... GODDAMN! You one raggedy ass muthafucka, aincha? ...But i'll be DAMNED if that big bald head a yours don't look like one a dem mudwrestlin titties!
uppity nigger
I'm so sorry, Vice Minstrel! Please allow me the great honor of wiping the suckle saliva from your esteemed forehead!

 

by mandingo
6-27-05
welcome to the call center. please hold
welcome to the call center. please hold
welcome to the call center. please hold
!!WAPSH!!

 

by mandingo
6-27-05
greetings, honorable Ommi Kod. i hear news that the Yutes have discovered our complex. i sent Kanee to scout their numbers and hopefully kill sniper Thaye before he does here what he did in Pouth Sark
the Yutes will no doubt try their favorite tactic of throwing one of our dead into a well-populated area. our people will rush up, never seeing the clumps of fish feces holding explosives to the body.
THUNK
Ommi Kod! Thaye killed Kanee!
Yute bass turds!

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
but wait a minute.... wasn't hitler's dad illegitimate? and isn't it rumored that he was sired by a jew? so wouldn't that make hitler a quarter jew and me an eighth?
keep talking, missy. you're this close to having your mouth washed out with grampa rosenberg

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
mommy, can you help me? i got my nigger stuck in a tree
rebecca, what are you doing playing with your nigger! I told you no niggers today!
i know, mommy, but my nigger seemed so lonely just sitting there and it's such a nice day out.
honey, how many times do i have to tell you? niggers aren't people. they're just niggers. they can no more get lonely than a rock or a table.
mommy, all this talk and my nigger's still hanging from the tree!
okay, but next time i say no niggers, i mean no niggers. i'm sure other little girls wanted to get their hands on niggers today but they listened to their mommies and controlled those urges

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
honey, come here and help me hang this nigger
you mean a tough feminist like you and you can't even hang that little old nigger by yourself?
of course i can hang this nigger. i've been hanging niggers since i was five years old. but if you want your nigger to hang straight you need a spotter.
no you don't. one person can hang a nigger straight enough
straight enough isn't good enough. the last thing i need is joe and alice coming over and seeing a sloppily hung nigger. that's just embarrasing.
you're right. joe wouldn't care but alice is an art collector. all she has hanging on her walls are well hung niggers.

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
could you get dressed and go pick up some kentucky fried chicken?
nigger nigger nigger that's all you do anymore
i'm not a nigger just because i want fried chicken
no, you're a nigger because today it was fried chicken, yesterday it was watermelon, the day before menthol cigarettes. you dont even like those things, you just want to be a nigger
well, sometimes i feel like i have to be a nigger to get you to notice me
the only thing i notice about you when you're acting like a nigger is just how much you're turning into your nigger of a mother

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
even a melted snowman isnt as sad a sight as a melting one
i stand corrected

 

by mandingo
6-28-05
hey laura, do you think i could borrow your faggot? mine doesn't seem to want to work
sure, but the thing about my faggot is that some days you turn it on and it sucks and sucks while other days you turn it on and it just gives you one little spurt then stops
that's okay. i'll take your faggot on a bad day over mine on a good one. honestly, i don't know what john was thinking when he picked up that faggot and brought it home
to tell the truth, i've always been a little taken with your faggot. i know it's an old model, but those are the sturdiest faggots, not to mention the most relaibe and with the best suction
i'd offer to swap faggots but since john handpicked ours, to him it's like king of the faggots. he'll even say he tracked dirt into the guestroom just to have an excuse to get his hands on that faggot
boy, now i really do want to swap faggots. marty wouldn't know what to do with our faggot even if i layed it down on the carpet in front of him and turned it on

 

by mandingo
6-29-05
hello my son. i was wondering if you have found jesus and if he has given you herpes. he gives of his herpes freely. all he asks in return is that you spread his herpes to all you come in contact with
oh yes father, i do know of jesus and his herpes. it was shortly after starting a relationship with jesus that i first found my herpes. though it's probably more accurate to say my herpes found me
that's how herpes is, my son. even now there are days when i think my herpes has gone away entirely. then jesus will come to me and restore my herpes. your herpes will come to you at your darkest hour
actually i was doing something i very much enjoy when my herpes first came to me. but herpes became a part of me that day and has remained so despite it being a hardship at times, as i'm sure you know
oh no. my having herpes has never been even the slightest bit inconvenient. my herpes brings a consistency to my life. whatever else may change, i can always count on my herpes to flare up in church
i guess having herpes wouldn't be as big a hardship for a priest. as a man of the cloth, you could never find yourself in a situation where having herpes might be awkward

 

by mandingo
6-29-05
CLICK CLICK
what are you doing?
what does it look like i'm doing? i'm holding this little scalping bastard down and taking his picture. eventually my little medicine man here's gonna realize no one has 3 and a half rolls of soul
i beleive you've just surpassed your own world record for insensitivity
insensitivity? ...you mean racial insensitivity? ...how in the hell can i be racially insensitive when most of the people i know are darker than this little buffalo herder
CLICK CLICK
name one
one? i could name hundreds. all the old, handicapped, or just plain slow ones that don't get out of the burning churches in time

 

by mandingo
6-29-05
i hear you're going to see a band tonight. nigger's playing?
that's right
no, i'm asking you, nigger?
that's right, nigger. why would you be asking if you already knew the answer? the nigger? the nigger, that's nigger
are you fuckin witth my head?
nigger me?

 

by mandingo
7-01-05
C-6 is a miss
A-4 then
miss
B-5?
nuts.
i sank your ability to love!

 

by mandingo
7-02-05
you may be thinkin why pay for PUR mangravy when I can turn on a faucet and drink down all the mangravy i could ever want. but sir that mangrvy runs throgh old foul pipes and has all kinds of diseases
oh i know. most people think "whats the difference? mangravy's mangravy- god sends it pounding down on our heads and we drink it." but i've been drinking the culligan man's mangravy for years
but sir, you're taking a chance every time you send the culligan man's mangravy sloshing down your throat. he says his is the purest mangravy but in reality i doubt it's even drinkable mangravy
i've raised four kids on nothing but the culligan man's mangravy. my wife, rest her soul, she couldnt swallow enough of it. even mittens here purrs every time her little tongue flicks at his mangravy
sir putting his mangravy in your mouth is as bad as suckin for mangravy right from the spout. havent you noticed the stains when a little of his mangravy dribles down your chin and lands on your shirt
oh hogwash. i gulp his mangravy by the galon, i make icecubes from it, gargle with it, and when i'm joggin and get too hot I can always find some nice young man who'll squirt my face with his mangravy

 

by mandingo
7-03-05
hey, jen. how was the bar scene last night?
it started off good. i got drunk enough to go home with some no name, no face guy. but when we got back to his place and got into bed i sobered up real quick when i looked over to see Kajun Firefly
that hapened to me and i couldnt stop pointing and laughing at seeing Kajun Firefly! it happens to alot of girls i bet. some are so drunk they probably climb on anyway, despite it being Kajun Firefly!
god help me i did. i saw Kajun Firefly and i realized I was probably the only chance this pathetic creature would ever have at getting some pussy. it called to mind those sad puppy posters and i caved
you're the first to ever admit it! what was it like? as comical as i'm thinking?
let's just say if i'm ever facing Kajun Firefly again and i'm considering a pity fuck, i'll satisfy the urge by going home, putting a marble in my back pocket, and sitting down a couple of times

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
hello i'm with the center for disease control. right now we're selling these coupon books filled with busineses that support the CDC not only monetarily but with their time. would you be interested
sure, that sounds worthwhile. besides i really need ... ... ... HACHOOOOO!
bless you
thank you

 

what do you mean 'welcome to heaven, the penis enlarger pill and VIP entrance are on your left.' i'm a righteous man! if this is heaven, i will very much enjoy its opposite! SEND ME TO HELL, GOOD MAN!
welcome to hell, the sphincter contractor pill and employee entrance are on your right.
by mandingo, 7-04-05

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
hi, i'm anthony martinez. i'm here about the job
job?
the one advertised in the paper today
i'm sorry there must be some kind of mistake
hi, i'm josh o'reilly. i'm here about the security job
HIRED! now go watch the bikerack for the rest of the day! i'll fill you in on your regular duties tomorrow

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
dad, someone stole my bike!
it was the rodriguez kid
javier rodriguez? my best friend?
mexicans don't have friends son
just bikes and lots of them

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
CODE THREE!!! CODE FUCKING THREE!!! DO YOU COCKSUCKERS HEAR ME BACK THERE? CODE MOTHERFUCKING THREE!!!
HOLY COCK! HE DIDN'T JUST SAY CODE THREE, DID HE??
YES I DID, YOU DEAF MOTHERFUCKERS!! CODE THREE GODDAMNIT, CODE THREE!!! CODE!!! MOTHERFUCKING!!! COCKSUCKING!! THREE!!!
HOLY SHIT, HE DID!! GRAB THE PEPPER SPRAY!!! GRAB THE TASERS!! FUCK IT ALL, GRAB THE SHOTGUNS!!! THIS IS CODE THREE!!!!!!
hello, sir, welcome to Schwinn.

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
hey, i heard you got a good joke
yeah, you wanna hear it?
sure!
okay, two mexicans bicycle into a bar...

 

by mandingo
7-04-05
happy fourth of july, greg!
happy fourth of july, dad!
happy fourth of july, peter!
happy fourth of july, dad!
happy fourth of july, bobby!
happy fourth of july, dad! have you seen my bike?

 

by mandingo
7-05-05
merry christmas, greg
merry christmas, dad
merry christmas, peter
merry christmas, dad
merry christmas, bobby
FUCKOFF

 

by mandingo
7-05-05
merry christmas, greg
merry christmas, dad
merry christmas, peter
FUCKOFF
peter, have you been hanging around with bobby?
FUCKOFF

 

by mandingo
7-05-05
merry christmas, greg
FUCKOFF
not you too! not my eldest boy! i won't believe it! nothing will make me believe it!
FUCKOFF
well, i'm sold
FUCKOFF

 

by mandingo
7-05-05
FUCKOFF
FUCKOFF
FUCKOFF
FUCKOFF
FUCKOFF
don't let him see you cry

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
to tell the truth, manny, i never have high hopes for blind dates, but this is going really well. so what's it like playing poker for a living?
it's cool. it's like you live in a world where the smart kids get to bully around the dumb ones, the mean ones, the jocks
that sounds great
the shy ones, the lonely ones, those who were up all night with their sick kid
okay, i get it
the senile ones, suicidal ones, the ones who just lost both their parents in a car accident...

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
troubling news from the north

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
pay attention jack

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
pay attention jack
troubling news from the north

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
quiet down up there, i couldn't hear what he said

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
don't you tell me what to do, cow. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKIN TELL ME WHAT TO DO AGAIN
troubling news from the north

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
YOU DON'T TALK TO MY WIFE THAT WAY
holy cunt! bob's about to beat the carotene-colored crap out of carl!
i see, i see!
what kind of news?

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
sorry, bob. i always forget she's your wife ever since you started FUCKIN SALLY TWO YEARS AGO
OH SHIT, HE SAID IT!
it was just a matter of time before that came out.
troubling news

 

by mandingo
7-06-05
IS THIS TRUE??
honey, baby, sugarplum, who are you goin to believe? me or some rabbit with angus authority issues? becasue... oh for fuck's sake... yes, it's true
it's like watching faces of death.
i can't turn away.
yes, but what KIND of troubling news?

 

by mandingo
7-07-05
BRING THAT BITCH OUT HERE! BRING THAT NASTY BITCH OUT HERE RIGHT NOW
WHO YOU CALLIN NASTY, YOU BIG OVERGROWN COW
!!gulp!! whuttadie miss?
HEY, MURRAY! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!
the kind that comes from the north

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