All comics by ottish_bee

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by ottish_bee
7-31-04
*click*
er, Michael Moore ate himself, so please welcome our next guest, Kelsey Grammer, star of the hit show 'Hellfraiser'.
Thank you Bill.
So first off, let's discuss the final episode of Hellfraiser. I thought it was mediocre, but better than the seinfeld finale.
Actually Bill, the original ending had me skinning Niles alive for solving the Lament Configuration, but after the whole janet jackson thing...yeah.
*click*
Hey everybody, i'm Conan O'Brien, and tonight we have a great show. I say that every night but tonight i actually mean it.

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
*click*
I'm John Kerry, and as president i vow to kill just as many arabs as george bush to win over moderate voters--shit, i wasn't supposed to read that part.
And I'm his running mate, a farm chicken with humble roots from a John Mellancamp song!
JOHN KERRY: HE'S OKAY WITH WAR AND REDNECKS. NOT GAYS AND ADVOCATES FOR THE LEGALIZATION OF WEED. SERIOUSLY. THAT WEIRD BALD DUDE IS JUST UM... ON AN UNDERCOVER MISSION TO BUST SODOMITES IN TEXAS
*click*
Um, George, i suggest we appeal to the left more in order to counteract John Kerry's hawkish demeanor.
Dammit Dick, i'm already wearing an african tribal mask to convince voters i'm down with brown. What else do i gotta do to win the Nader vote? Suck your cold metallic wang?

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
Well.....i think i have been an exceptional vice-president if i do say so myself.
hrm...
What if i offer to drop out of the race....?
Deal!
Mm....yes....I've never been blown off in the back of a Home Depot before.

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
the next day at school
Man tv sucked last night.
Yeah, especially that Bush-Cheney press conference.
We should make tv shows.
Yeah, but do you have any ideas?
Well, you know when you run in place while taking a shit? It makes you feel like your running at the speed of light?
...

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
...dammit. So that's why everything outside of us is a blur Marty!!! We're traveling at the speed of light because we're running in place while taking shits!!!
And you wonder why we stopped making making Back to the Future films asshole.
Sorry. Got any toilet paper?

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
*click*
Y'know if Czar Nicholas would've just given out those slap wrist bracelets to the people of Russia, Lenin probably wouldn't have been so pissed.
JOHN MAYER
Trosky was a pimp yo!
SIR-MIX-A-LOT
When the Cardigans 'Love me Love me' hit during the revolution, it was like bigger than WW1. It didn't kill quite as many people though.
COURTNEY LOVE

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
Arg!! I hate VH1. Their retrospective programs make me want to kill people.
I love the Russian Revolution...
But dude you always wanna kill people.
True.
Hey--what happened to that dutch? Or did we already smoke it...

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