All comics by rickward

Profile

 

by rickward
3-08-01
I have come to the conclusion that I just don't have the drive or the creativity to put a compelling narrative down on paper.
Wah. Whutcha gonna do, lil' baby, run home and cry to Mama?
*snif*
Serves you right for dumping personal shit on me.

 

by rickward
12-13-01
Well, great. No legs and no arms.

 

by rickward
12-14-01
I got you a present.
Oh...um...thanks. What is it?
I can't tell you that! It would spoil the surprise!
Oh, right, right. My bad...
Oh, what the hell. It's a six-speed "Ultra-Vibe 3000."

 

by rickward
12-14-01
AS GREGOR SAMSA awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
DUDE! Gnarly!
...His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes.
What has happened to me?
Can you fly me on your back to the Galleria?
It was no dream.
This is like SO sweet.

 

by rickward
12-20-01
Why is there so much hate and mistrust in the world?
I know! I'll create my own perfect world of sweetness and light inside my head, and retreat there when the real world becomes too much!
And it will have lots of hot chicks, too.

 

by rickward
12-20-01
It's nice in my own private world.
YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I HATE YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!
La la la la la.

 

by rickward
12-20-01
I guess it's irresponsible of me to live in a dream world.
I owe it to myself to accept reality and adjust to it.
I'M LEAVING, AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK!
None of this is happening.

 

by rickward
12-20-01
Hey, Mr. Clown!
You're funny. [giggle]
God, little kids scare the crap out of me.

 

by rickward
12-20-01
Remember that thing? With that guy? And then they sprayed milk all over you and called you "cum-dog"!
Yeah, I used to have a really big crush on you, but I was too shy to do anything...have you met my fiancee Fred?
High school reunions suck.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?

 

by rickward
12-22-01
Dear rstevens: I went to the Indie Rock Pete site, and I think you (or somebody) should change the site so the first thing you see is the first strip, and then you click through the story in order.
But what do I know? I'm just an Internet comic fanboy with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than write letters to people I don't know complaining about things that don't really matter.
I hate what my life has become. I wish I was dead. Merry Christmas!
MESSAGE SENT

 

by rickward
3-06-02
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Sir?
I want you to hit me as hard as you can!
OK...
Now I have twenty-nine. That beats your stupid twenty!
You don't know how to play blackjack at all, do you, sir?

 

by rickward
3-07-02
Listen, I'm sorry I was such an ass on the phone the other day.
What are you talking about?
You know, when I called...and I didn't even ask how you were doing or how your flight was...
You called?
Yeah, I called Tuesday. You picked up.
Help me out here...what's your name again?

 

by rickward
3-07-02
Hey, dude, what's going on?
Oh, hey Rick...um, not much...
Are you still having that thing at your apartment Saturday?
You know what? I am. And you know what else? You never returned my email about it. So you are not welcome at my place, jackass. Goodbye!
Hah hah! Good one! See you Saturday!

 

by rickward
3-10-02
Loook at me. i\m hidieos! 'm a filfy aminal. Howw do you put up with me
Wow, this is great...
Whass graet> Whot's so grta abtou me being DURNK and CYRINGG> ??
I can't believe you're still conscious, let alone standing up.
I'm standing?

 

by rickward
3-11-02
You know, this is kind of embarrassing, but I find myself strangely attracted to you...
Me too.
Really?
Yup.
Wanna make out?
Um, no...I meant I'm strangely attracted to me too.

 

by rickward
3-20-02
Well, hey, give me a call sometime, I'd like to see you on the set!
Well, I'd like to help you out, but right now I need the stability of a regular job.
?? But this job pays more, and when it's over, you can get work on another feature. C'mon, you'll love it!
Yeah, I can get work IF I impress the UPM, or the 2nd AD, or any of those people. That's not a foregone conclusion.
What the hell do you think you're doing in this business, buddy?
...wasting...my time...AND yours?

 

by rickward
3-26-02
Hey, I just had a great idea for a short film!
It's about this guy who's a real slob, and then one day the junk in his room--all the trash, the dirty clothes--swallows him up and EATS HIM!
That's it...I'm cleaning my room RIGHT NOW.

 

by rickward
3-29-02
Could...somebody stop the room please? I'd...like to get...off...
What? We ain't stoppin' now! You still have to do hamstrings and abs!
Ohhhh....ugghhh....
Come on, wussy! No pain no gain!
THUD
Hmm...looks like you just gained a lot right there.

 

by rickward
3-30-02
My thoughts turn to my past and my future, and I am afraid. Afraid not that I might fail, but that I might succeed.
I do not deserve sweetness and light. I do not deserve the trappings of success, or the comfort of friends or home.
It's time to drink heavily.

 

by rickward
4-04-02
Jeez. Sometimes I wish I was doing what you're doing.
Well, you know, there's always a place for you in Wilmington.
Yeah, sometimes I think about moving back east and working with you, but then I realize the drawbacks...
Drawbacks? Like what?
Well, for starters, you're clinically insane.
You know what fixes that? A big ol' nail in the head.

 

by rickward
5-19-02
Star Wars 4:10 5:30 6:45 7:20 8:35 9:50
One for Star Wars, please.
A real fan would buy two tickets.
MY clones are better!
Suffer the little children.
Mmmm...Anakin is dreamy...
Dude, I'm just here to see the Matrix trailer.

 

by rickward
5-19-02
So you're coming out here for a week?
Yup! I can't wait!
Sweet deal!
Oh, by the way, if someone told you that I went out with Andy a couple of times, they're lying.
No one told me anything like that.
Well, just in case.

 

by rickward
5-19-02
The other one, the one called rickward, is the one things happen to.
However, it would be an exaggeration to say that ours is a hostile relationship.
I am destined to perish, definitively, and only some instant of myself can survive in him.
Still, I recognize myself less in his comics and diaries than in many others, or even in the laborious strummings of a guitar.
I do not know which of us wrote this comic.
Neener neener!

 

by rickward
5-19-02
"Blackness confirmed."
"Begun the Clone War has."
"Like ZOIKS!"
"The things I'm gonna do for my country."
We're total losers.
Speak for yourself, bitch.

 

by rickward
5-20-02
Ugh....so tired....I wonder if I look as bad as I feel?
Holy crap! I don't look that bad, do I?
Sleep is for the weak.

 

by rickward
5-20-02
What are you laughing at?
I could buy and sell your honky ass five times over.
That's it...I'm downgrading your credit rating to "Thief."

 

by rickward
5-22-02
...so I switched from brazil nuts to sunflower seeds. Now I get more protein and less saturated fat per serving!
When did you get so lame?

 

by rickward
5-23-02
I feel like I'm becoming stupid. Soon my brain will cease all higher functions.
Mmmmm...
Why do you have your finger in your mouth like that?
I stuck it in my ear and now it tastes good.
When I'm a vegetable, I'll still be smarter than you.
Yum.

 

by rickward
5-30-02
Long distance relationships never work. So let's keep things simple.
By the way, I'll be over your way for a weekend soon.
Stay at my place!
...Sure, that simplifies things.
My family's gonna love you.

 

by rickward
5-30-02
Don't get the wrong idea, folks. This never happened.
So, you're staying overnight?
Yes. Staying overnight.

 

by rickward
5-31-02
Why do you keep making these?
Because I can't draw.
Every night I pray to a God that may not exist to wake up with mad art skills, and every morning I wake up disappointed.
You sad, sad man.
I know. *SOB*

 

by rickward
6-04-02
Meet the father.
Hi Rick, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, sir!
Did you enjoy the wedding?
Yes...it was very touching.
How was the reception?
I am so drunk right now, I almost peed on your tree.

 

by rickward
6-06-02
Well, shit. Five minutes after takeoff, and look what happens.
I wish I'd had a chance to tell my family and friends how much they meant to me.
Hey, I can see my house from here.

 

by rickward
6-06-02
BOO!
AAYYIIE!
Wait! Come back, little girl!
...I didn't really mean to scare you.

 

by rickward
6-10-02
So there I was, pullin' about 140 in that 1978 Oldsmobile 88, when I see somebody on the road.
Oh my God!
Oh my God is right, city slicker. It was The Lord Jesus Christ himself, sittin' Indian style..
No way!
Yep. He says to me, "Otis, you ain't gonna make it!" Then he gave me the finger.
Yeah, that sounds like the Jesus I know.

 

by rickward
6-12-02
...so I told your sister, "I'm done raising you, you're 18, you're on your own."
I bet she appreciated that.
What?
Uh...I mean...the way every teenager would appreciate it...if...
I didn't go through 48 hours of labor so you could smart-mouth me.

 

by rickward
6-13-02
You're smoking! When did you start smoking?
Oh, hush. It's not that bad.
And what the hell kind of cigarette is that, anyway? It's all black!
Well, you know what they say... "Smoke interesting cigarettes, meet interesting people."
I always thought it was "Smoke interesting cigarettes, get interesting lung cancer."
Don't you start on me too.

 

by rickward
6-13-02
Am I interested in mere intimacy? Is all I want to be close to someone, anyone?
Or am I truly engaged with her as an individual?
It'll come to me if I stare into her eyes long enough.
Umm...you know, it's OK to blink once in a while...

 

by rickward
6-13-02
You know, you're pretty special.
Aww, shucks.
No, I mean it. I don't get close to many people.
Well...gee...
And I almost never let other people physically touch me.
Someone call airport security--we've got some suspicious baggage.

 

by rickward
6-13-02
I wish I could touch you.
But I can't.
Is this because of deep-seated emotional problems?
No, it's because stripcreator doesn't let two pictures bump up against each other meaningfully.
Oh, is THAT what the kids are calling it these days.

 

by rickward
6-13-02
Part of me says "Take it to the next step."
Part of me says "What, are you crazy? It's hopeless."
And then part of me says "Moby, you can get stomped by Obie!"

 

by rickward
6-15-02
Dad...
Yeah, what is it?
I just want you to know that I really appreciate you letting me live here after college and stuff... you're the best Dad ever.
Aww, shucks, son. Come on outside with me-- I want to tell you a story about MY daddy.
And don't come back until I can't take care of myself!
He only does this because he loves me.

 

by rickward
6-17-02
Mother died today.
Or maybe it was yesterday. It doesn't matter.
Why that bitch always gotta be dying on me an' shit?

 

by rickward
6-18-02
Hey Mr. Clown, cheer me up, will ya?
Okay, here goes...
You know what's funny? Nothing you say or do can stop you from dying in three days. THAT'S funny.
HAW! HAW! HAW!

 

by rickward
6-19-02
Would you get me some heavy cream from the store, Clango?
Yes, Master!
Thanks...
Master, why do they call it heavy cream?
Um, I dunno...
Does it have an extra neutron?

 

by rickward
6-22-02
Allen...
Look, it's OK if you don't want to talk...
But get out of the trash can before you do permanent damage to your spine.
Only losers use legs.

 

by rickward
6-22-02
Allen, do me a favor and please get out of the trash can.
No, Rick, I have a favor to ask of you.
Is it too much for you to stop portraying me as a semi-psychotic badly drawn boy, when in fact I'm much more sane and successful than you'll ever be?
My God, you're right. Can we switch places?
NEVER! Trash can stays MINE!

 

by rickward
6-28-02
I am so lonely. I wish I had someone with whom I could share my life.
I guess there's only one thing to do...
...build some sort of electronic affection surrogate.

 

by rickward
6-28-02
Computer, help me out here.
READY
Get me the latest artificial intelligence techniques as they relate to emotion simulation.
FOUND 12 ENTRIES
And while you're at it, take me to hotladies.com.
CONNECTING

 

by rickward
6-28-02
Sweet! This is what I'm looking for! "Lifelike Objective Virtual Emotional Robot."
SAVE FILE as "lover.html"?
Hmm...I want to be able to make some money off the design, though...
Change "Emotional" to "Affectionate" and cross-wire a couple of circuits, and Presto! Patent City, here I come!
SAVING FILE AS "lovar.html"

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