All comics by silent_fart

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???
You rang?
by silent_fart, 2-03-16

 

by silent_fart
3-09-16
The first thing I'll do to make America great again is... uhhh...
...gimme a minute... oh yeah...
Stop women from going pee-pee whenever they want!!!

 

by silent_fart
3-14-16
Kraven, do you remember what that horrible step-son of mine said I could do with the antiquities?
You mean "stick 'em where the sun don't shine?"
Yes, well...
Sorry Mother, America's calling... gotta' go!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!

 

by silent_fart
4-02-16
When are you gonna' get rid of that 'Sweet Granny' costume and show people who you really are?
Oh so you think you're Mr. Big Pants huh? I'll be right back!
WTF???!!!
YOU HAPPY NOW MR. BIG PANTS HUH??? YOU HAPPY NOW//?
AIIIEEEEE!!!
Punk!

 

by silent_fart
4-03-16
I like Donald Trump.
Do you ever think about telling the truth?
Well?
Gimme' a minute to think.

 

by silent_fart
4-03-16
Do you ever think about doing the 'right thing'?
What kinda' crap talk is that?
What?
You just asked me if...
Just shut-up would ya'? Uh oh! I'm getting dizzy!
Hell yeh, cus' we almost left our comfort zone.

 

by silent_fart
4-03-16
Miorror mirror on the wall... am I a child abductor after all?
You want me to say "No" because they're adults, but they are still the children of...
Just shut-up and say "NO" would ya'?
NO!
*kissy kissy*
*huggy huggy*

 

by silent_fart
5-11-16
Captain 'FIX AMERICA' reporting for duty ma'am.
For God's sake!!! How many times do I have to tell you??? Get out of that outfit and cook me some breakfast!!!
Where the hell did you go anyway? How can you fix America if you can't fix breakfast?
Very clever use of words mom, especially when considering you're a mute hillbilly! Be there in a minute, just folding my uniform.
You ever sass me like that again and I'll...
Eggs and tofu bacon comin' right up!

 

by silent_fart
5-11-16
Just a minute loser boy, what'd you say was comin' right up? Eggs and what kinda' bacon?
Eggs and bacon is what I said.
Okay, I just thought you added another word in there.
Adding another word to what I said isn't going to change what you're getting for breakfast.
Fine fine!!! I just wanted to make sure we understood each other.
Whatever! Eggs and tofu bacon comin' right up!!!

 

by silent_fart
5-11-16
So tell me Dr., does it make me look bad when I shun someone?
Who is it and why are you shunning him?
Why are you asking me that?
So I can answer your question. It's my job, it's what I do.
WAAAHHHHH!!! *SNIFF SNIFF* WAAAHHHHH!!! You hurt my widdow feewings!!! EHHH NIH NIH NIH NIH NIH... EHHH NIH NIH NIH NIH NIH!!!
Back in a jiffy!!! Getting some ear-plugs!

 

by silent_fart
5-13-16
Let's stop with the phony crying routuine. Tell me what you're hiding and we'll see what we can do about it.
What's the matter? Strike a nerve?

 

by silent_fart
5-13-16
Photo taken before imagining he was her shrink. Subject is already using his imagination to quell the onset of queasiness.
Photo taken at the beginning of the imagining. Notice the head in bowed position signaling the onset of depression.
Post imagination episode brings unexpected bad results. His head is raised... but only to see the reaction of others to his new look.

 

by silent_fart
5-30-16
So you're back huh? Still with nothing to say?
What could I possibly say?
Whatever's on your mind.
But, but... Castle beat me to it... *sniffle sniffle... *
Oh Dear God, Please send 'chariot' A.S.A.P!!!

 

by silent_fart
5-30-16
Okay then, I've had a chat with your M.D. Let's discuss your so called "Omni Defecational Syndrome" for starters.
Words can't describe it.
This is excellent!!! We are actually having a dialogue! So tell me... what reason would you offer in support of your contention that "Words can't describe it"?
Jus' gimme' one minute whilst I conjure up the most definitive answer to your most provocative question.
Dear God, Please notify me A.S.A.P. regarding my 'chariot' request such that any doubt I may have about your existence may be dispatched posthaste.

 

by silent_fart
10-26-16
Welcome to Shillingo orientation. Turn around, pull your pants down and bend over!
Are you sure this is for the computer tech job?
Do I need to call security?
No, I'll do it. I'm just a little nervous. Is this the right position?
Don't get me wrong. I like 'doggy' a lot but I prefer you on your belly!

 

by silent_fart
10-26-16
The dead guy on the gurney? Let me call security.
No no, please don't! I was just curious, but I'm not anymore! Really! I don't need to know why he died!
Well, the dude was here for orientation and the nurses fist wasn't big enough to remove all the anal tension the poor dude had, so she called me.
Oh... okay. I think I see now. Yeh, it makes sense to me now! Okay so, why did she call you?
Well, 'cus my fist is twice as big as hers.
*gulp*

 

by silent_fart
10-31-16
Hello, my name is Jung and I'm reporting for my first day as a computer tech.
Have you been to the 'men's room' yet?
No, but I don't need to use it right now, thank you.
You want to be a computer tech, is that right?
Yes, but...
This way to the men's room.

 

by silent_fart
10-31-16
Welcome to Shillingo. Your orientation leader will be right with you.
Could you just tell...
Have a good day!
WTF!!! SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE?
*PSSST* Got lube?

 

by silent_fart
11-01-16
Okay, here you are. Your orientation leader should be right along. Gotta' get back to my desk, bye.
WTF??? this is creepy...
...it can't possibly be what it looks like...
*PSSST*
WHAAA?? Oh crap! You scared me to death *whew*,but it's okay! I am SO relieved!!!
Got lube?

 

by silent_fart
11-05-16
Granny, could you tell the Stewart family why you haven't sued your detestable exstepson for libel?
Ohhh!!! So you wanna' do both my grand daughters all night long huh? Makin' *whuppa whuppa* sounds all on my pillow and whatnot 'cus you think you're such a stud, huh???
My question was...
Then you wanna' twiddle their doo-dads 'till they're all pink and whatnot and, uh.... then uh... what's the next part?
I think that's a question I'd have to ask you!
SEE??? I KNEW YOU WAS THINKIN' ABOUT IT!!!

 

by silent_fart
11-07-16
I'm off to my first day at work mother.
It's about time you gotta' job you worthless scumbag!!!
Are you sure you're my mother? You don't look Chinese.
I don't look Chinese???
I guess I meant you DO look Chinese!
I DO???

 

by silent_fart
11-07-16
So, tell me why you think you're qualified to work at Shillingo? We are a young and vibrant company.
Well #1, I suffer from 'omni-defecational' syndrome and #2, I'm a thief!
So you're an old bag of a thief with a medical condition I never even heard of!!! Get lost!
Did you say "Get lost"? *fa-fa-fa sha-plooda ooda....... (wait for it...) ...PA-PHOOT KA-WHANG*!!!
No! I was trying to say "You're hired!"
Clean up a bit and I'll give you a hug!

 

by silent_fart
11-14-16
I'm going to get our pastramis right now. You like mustard?
Yes I do! that's very sweet of you to ask. Thank you so much!
How about 'Grey Poupon'?
That's my favorite!
GREAT!!! I'll bring you some more tomorrow!

 

by silent_fart
11-16-16
What the hell are you doing Kraven??? Trying to prank your mother?
No Mother.
What the hell do you call it then?
Regarding what Mother Dear?
You know damn well you used to have blonde hair!!!
Yes Mother.

 

by silent_fart
11-16-16
My Mother notices my hair color has changed.
What about my cheeks that aren't pink anymore?

 

by silent_fart
11-16-16
WTF??? Dide I tell you to eat a banana? Did I??? HUH??? HUH???
No Mother Dear.
What the hell are you waiting for you worthless simian wannabe??? Well??? What are you waiting for???
Christmas?

 

by silent_fart
11-28-16
Let's see what KRUMB is saying in 'global chat'.
KRUMB: "Shillingo is a bunch of STINKING ASSHOLES!!!"
Listen Chen, you may not be a 'stinking asshole', but you are a worthless pile of shit! Therefore you necessarily have a...
I see where you're going sir, but what if one was to wash their stinking asshole every day?
Hmmm... I am humbled by your insightful question. I will confer with our CEO this evening on this most significant of matters.
I would like to add that "washing" includes the use of a soapy finger (or two), up your patootie with multiple rapid 'in and out' motions... *ahem...*, for the best cleansing.

 

by silent_fart
12-15-16
How are ya'll doin' tonight HUH??? First off I want to clarify my alleged position of 'family destroyer'.
I only do what anyone can watch being done on T.V. night after night in so many sit-coms! I like to think of myself as the product of laughter!
I fart when I laugh!
???

 

by silent_fart
12-15-16
How are ya'll doin' tonight HUH??? First off I want to clarify my alleged position of 'family destroyer'.
I only do what anyone can watch being done on T.V. night after night in so many sit-coms! I like to think of myself as the product of laughter!
I fart when I laugh!
???

 

by silent_fart
12-15-16
Okay, so are you sayin' that I'm a fart since I fart when I laugh?
Speak for yourself Mr. Heckler!
No, I'm askin' you! Do you fart when you laugh???
Honestly? I don't fart at all!
Ya'll hear that??? She said "Honestly?" HA HA *pafoot pafoot* ha ha ha! She don't fart at all!!! HAHAHA! *toot toot, tweet tweet*
Security!

 

by silent_fart
12-15-16
So yer sayin' you never farted at all???
Yes, and I'm not lying!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! *far... fafafafa.... far... fafafafa... FAAARRRRRTTT... tweet tweettweet...*
I don't fart and I don't lie! You've got my word on that!
Her "WORD"! HAHAHAHAHA! She's a liar with a WORD! HAHAHAHAHA!!! *squeegy squeegy*
How dare you call me a liar! Now I'm fartin' mad!

 

by silent_fart
12-15-16
Unnnhhhhh... unnnnhhhhh... Take that you insolent dude with a square head!!!
Take WHAT???
Unnhhhhh... Wait for it... unnhhhhh... jus' gimme' a minute! Unnnhhhhh...
A minute for what???
OOOIIIIIEEE! There you go punk! I hope that answers your questions!
Gallager ain't gonna' like this!!!

 

by silent_fart
9-17-17
You know... shunning has an extensive history in the world of humor, and I'd like to add...
Dude! What's that smell???
That's the smell of 'silence'.
AAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!
MY KINGDOM FOR A GAS-MASK!!!

 

by silent_fart
9-17-17
Granny goes to 'Rapper School' to get some 'creds'.
S'right, I'm a 'Badd-Ass'... that's how I got my freakin' name! Git on yer back... face up ma' smock! I'll show ya'll how I got ma' fame!!!
First off Granny, rappers kill people. They don't shit on them.
Oh...
So...
How about after I kill 'em?

 

by silent_fart
9-17-17
Please!!! Talk to me 'bro!
I won't tell you any of my new ideas! I'll get all the money for myself! You'll be sorry!
First he slapped me, then when I tried to pay him, he kicked me out!!! He wouldn't even listen to me apologize!
Tell me it isn't true!!!

 

by silent_fart
9-17-17
You don't believe me??? "sniff sniff"
Of course I believe you!
Then when he kicked me out I slid the money I owed him for the lesson under his door.
WOW!!! A truly righteous sweet little old lady!
"sniffle sniffle" My mommy didn't raise no thief!
OH HELL NO!!!

 

by silent_fart
9-21-17
I see you have a learning disability.
How could you tell?
Well, when I said "My mommy didn't raise no thief", you agreed.
I don't understand...
That confirms it.
WOW!!! Sweet and smart too!

 

by silent_fart
9-21-17
I know I STINK LIKE A ROTTEN EGG, I STEAL YER STUFF, YOU WANT IT BACK? I'M GONNA' MAKE YOU BEG!!!
I'm not tryin' to tittillate, you don't see no fan! but when it comes to bein' THE WOMAN, SUCKA'!!!
I'M DA' MAN!!!

 

by silent_fart
10-16-17
What's the difference between you and toejam?
Toejam stinks!
I said "difference", not "striking similarity"!!!
Oh... right!
Gimme just a minute.

 

by silent_fart
10-16-17
Granny's forceful approach is working!!! She's undetected!!!
Listen to this Mr. Smartypants!
I'm listening.
So she unleashes her 2nd cunning volley, thinking "This'll take the sail outta' his uh... his uhhh " WHATEVER!!! It's working BIG TIME!!! YAAY!!!
I really am a wretch!
N... n... n... n... n... NOOOO!!! Don't ever say that again! You are NOT a...
!!! She accidentally pooped on her own plan, it all got soggy, and the bottom fell out
YES I AM TOO!!! I'm a certified old... b... b... b... uh... b... help me out?
Bagwretch???

 

by silent_fart
10-16-17
Granny's forceful approach is working!!! She's undetected!!!
Listen to this Mr. Smartypants!
I'm listening.
So she unleashes her 2nd cunning volley, thinking "This'll take the sail outta' his uh... his uhhh " WHATEVER!!! It's working BIG TIME!!! YAAY!!!
I really am a wretch!
N... n... n... n... n... NOOOO!!! Don't ever say that again! You are NOT a...
!!! She accidentally pooped on her own plan, it all got soggy, and the bottom fell out
YES I AM TOO!!! I'm a certified old... b... b... b... uh... b... help me out?
Bagwretch???

 

by silent_fart
10-16-17
Downshifting into low/recoup gear, Granny acceptsonly 1/2 of the help she asked for.
'Bag" yes, but "bagwretch isn't even a word, so how could I be one?
Look, we were talking about you bein' a wretch, then you can't get a word out that starts with a 'b', so I just put 'em together!
Tryin' hard to save face Granny gives up just a few more % points.
LISTEN UP JERKO!!! You failed in the 'new word' category. If you would've STFU for a minute I would've explained!!!
I'm so sorry. Please continue, I'm listening.
WOW! She's turned it all around! Now for the coup de gras, and then the Blue Ribbon!!!
So, I'm a certified old bag who ACTS LIKE A WRETCH!!! (wait for it... just a bit more...) But isn't one!!!
Sounds good to me!

 

by silent_fart
10-17-17
This is a perfect meeting place, no one can see us in zee bushes.
What do you mean "zee bushes"?
I'm practicing my French you dimwitted Franco-nincompoopee!!!
Let me educate you then you out-house birthed Kentucky Hillbilly!!! You are not entitled to speak French!!!
What's you're excuse you elderly transient global loiterer?
Pay zee close attencion wretchbagguette!!! I married zee monee und I twiddle my hair in French!

 

by silent_fart
10-17-17
Say, if you dyed your dress grey, everything would match!
Oh yeh? Well your air-horn farts belie your quasi-french hair twiddle's Stockton Ca. born roots .
Shut your lipless mouth-hole or I'll punch it twice as wide!
Bring it on beotch!!! Come and get a taste of my hillbilly cane up your gaped Stockton Ca.
Nein danke Madame Uber Odorhosen!
Listen Up!!! My odorhosens don't have anything to do with this. I'll fist you anytime anywhere!

 

Excuse me fine sir but where might one acquire such a fine bulge?
My mom.
by silent_fart, 11-05-17

 

by silent_fart
11-05-17
Did you say your MOM???
Yup! Plus she gets me a new one every week.
She sounds like the sweetest mom that ever was!

 

by silent_fart
11-05-17
So... did you have a good time with yourself in the mirror?
Not yet, but that reminds me.
Oh? Of what?
Tweezers.
Tweezers?
Yeh, can I borrow your tweezers?

 

You SMARTASS!!! You want this cane up your little pink pa-tooty?
Sure! But please... not as hard as last night!!!
by silent_fart, 11-05-17

 

I'll take this one Dr.!
by silent_fart, 11-05-17

 

by silent_fart
11-05-17
Kravin uses tactical regression to get 'Sweetness' to cough up the dough.
NO!!! $27,000 is too much!!! Where would that money even come from?
*WAAAAAH!!! WAAAAAH!!! sniff sniff...* You could use the money you stole from Castle.
Kravin tries to re-regress ASAP sensing he might need to defend himself.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Nuthin...maybe a 'goo-goo'? Please don't cane me!
Cane you?How about CONGRATULATE you? You're finally thinking like a mature adult Overby!
Can we still do the cane tonight?

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