All comics by suicide_king

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by suicide_king
3-23-05
It's been 5 days now since we've removed your wife's feeding tube.
What does she weigh?
She's down to 130.
Dammit man! The high school reunion is next week. I want her down to 115.
We'll administer some laxatives as well.
Don't let me down, Doc. I need her looking svelte.

 

by suicide_king
3-24-05
Boss says the nail is tearin' through your hand. Gotta secure it.
This may hurt a little.
Please God, let me perform just one more miracle. I can't take anymore pain.
All done boss!

 

by suicide_king
3-25-05
I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions.
No, no, we're almost there.
Almost where?
The fetus. Yeah, it was me who I fucked this elephant... we talked -- says she's anti-abortion. But it's a tough life for an elephant man. Now follow me, the uterus is just a bit further.
You must be hung like a horse.
More like an elephant. Let's just say there's not a condom on the market that fits me -- hence my cruel situation.

 

by suicide_king
3-29-05
Ohhh Christ, it burns!!!
Not a great idea when you banged that crack whore without a rubber.
No, no, it's not that.
Not a great idea when you stuck a cinnamon toothpick up your urethra.
No. It was the blowjob you gave me with a mouthful of tobasco sauce.
Now that was a great idea.

 

by suicide_king
3-29-05
The United States regrets to inform you that Private Johnson was beheaded in Iraq.
Noooooooo!!!!
We'll need you to identify your husband.
Of course.
That's not him. He was much taller.

 

by suicide_king
4-29-05
How was your weekend?
Netflix sent me those recommendations you gave me... Eddie Griffin's DysFunktional Family, Chris Rock's Never Scared, and Chappelle's Show Season One..
What did ya think?
Never order dvd's geared toward black audiences. Your people don't take care of things. They were so scratched up, I couldn't get any of them to play.
Yeah, it's best to get 'em when they're new releases.
What do you do, use them as coasters for your Courvoisier?

 

What did you get on your SAT's?
Cigarette ashes on verbal and drool on math.
by suicide_king, 5-06-05

 

by suicide_king
5-26-05
Prepare to be disemboweled at the hands of the famous serial killer, BTK!
That's hot.
BTK stands for blind, torture, kill!
That's hot.
Fuck it. You really know how to ruin a good time. Just leave.
No, put the mask back on, that's hot.

 

by suicide_king
5-26-05
How's marraige treatin' ya?
Great.
Fucked your wife in the ass yet?
God no.
You should, she loves it.

 

by suicide_king
6-14-05
I thought we were doing a student exchange with Martin Luther King High.
That's right, the highest IQ scorer was chosen as the exchange.
Ahhh, so that's how you got in here!
Yeah, coloreds are really really stupid.

 

by suicide_king
6-21-05
I like to run my fingers through my hair.
Is that why you keep it long?
No, that's why I cut holes in my front pockets.

 

by suicide_king
6-28-05
Day 1
Day 6
Day 13

 

by suicide_king
6-29-05
Day 17
Dude, that candle is burning down. The flame's getting close to your hair.
Yeah right, I'm falling for that. You're just...
Ahhh, okay, you won! Grab the fire extinguisher!!!
Fuck that, I'm feelin' pretty good here. I think I gotta few more days in me. Just drop and roll.

 

by suicide_king
6-29-05
I'm so horny, I could fuck that bowling ball.
That's a coconut.
Hmm, that explains the razor sharp splinters of coconut fiber lodged in my urethra.
And why the coconut juice tasted funny this morning.

 

by suicide_king
6-29-05
You sure gotta nice tan.
I'm black.
I know, that's why I've got my wallet hidden.

 

by suicide_king
7-01-05
What's with all the crosses and candles in the middle stall?
Oh, Fred from accounting took a shit that looks just like the Virgin Mary. Check it out.
My God, those corn kernels are positioned perfectly. I feel like she looking right at me... comforting me.
Yeah, Fred took some "white out" and colored 'em in.
Where's Fred? I want to congratulate him.
At the all you can eat Mexican restaurant. He's convinced that he's "had a calling."

 

by suicide_king
7-05-05
I was with this bitch last night who asked me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you fucked her three times and punched her in the face.
That's an old joke.
Listen, I don't know what kind of jokes you crackers tell each other. I'm just tryin' to tell ya I got laid.

 

by suicide_king
7-18-05
I saw the victim beaten and robbed by a caucasion with blond hair. He had a long, thin nose and a very weak chin. Dressed kind of preppy. Blue eyes and wearing those trendy horn rimmed glasses.
Got it. Does this look him?
That's a big bald black guy you drew.
Yeah, I heard you say the victim was beaten and robbed.
Well yeah, but... You know, I guess that does kind of look like him.
Great, we'll get this circulated.

 

by suicide_king
7-19-05
Daddy, I need you to shine a flashlight on my anus in the middle of the night.
What the fuck for?
That's when the female pinworms come out and lay their eggs. I think I got 'em.
Why the fuck you think that?
I'm not sleeping well, I'm irritable, I have rectal pain and my sphincter itches uncontrollably.
Fuck, then I've had pinworms my whole life!

 

by suicide_king
7-20-05
Now this won't hurt a bit.
What seems to be the problem with my donkey, Doc?
Urinary tract infection.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm sure. I've never tasted semen so bitter.

 

Lost an arm?
Found one.
by suicide_king, 8-08-05

 
by suicide_king, 8-08-05

 

by suicide_king
8-10-05
Audition
Alright kid, you got the part. It's one line in Act 3. Cannon goes off -- you say, "Hark, I hear the roar of the cannon." Don't fuck it up.
Hark, I hear the roar of the cannon.
Opening Night, Act 2
...hark I hear the roar of the cannon...hark I hear the roar of the cannon...
Opening Night, Act 3
What the fuck was that!?

 

So I replied to the nun -- when I said "nasty habit," I was referring to your cigarette smoking.
by suicide_king, 8-10-05

 

by suicide_king
8-11-05
In Kenosha Wisconsin, an african american man sustained burns from a flash fire caused when police officers used both a Taser and pepper spray while trying to subdue him during a struggle.
News conference
After investigating this incident, Kenosha police have banned the use of stun guns and pepper spray. Our police officers will be switching to a more effective alternative in subduing suspects.
Flamethrowers.

 

So the Blood says to me, I can tell you're a Crip by the blue shirt.
by suicide_king, 8-12-05

 

by suicide_king
8-17-05
In other news, Madonna’s 47th birthday celebration was marred when she suffered several broken bones after riding a horse.
Yes, apparently she's transforming herself yet again from Material Girl, to proper English wife, to a bestiality loving horse fucker.

 

by suicide_king
8-17-05
More details emerging on the horrific horse fall Madonna suffered resulting in multiple broken bones.
Husband, Guy Ritchie, said Madonna lost balance and fell -- getting her foot tangled in the stirrup, and her dress caught in the saddle.
Madonna was laid out on her back at the mercy of the horse, as her kids, Rocco and Lourdes, looked on horrified. Finally, a K-mart employee came out and pulled the plug.

 

I love the smell of gay palm in the morning.
by suicide_king, 8-24-05

 

by suicide_king
9-13-05
So, how do you think our first date is going so far?
I feel cocky.
Yeah... Listen, I just don't think this is working. I find cockiness a major turn-off. In America, we prefer women who feel... coy.
Okay, I finger your coy first, then I feel your cocky.
I think I love you.

 

by suicide_king
9-15-05
Dick, how are the nomination hearings going? Are we gonna get our boy Roberts on the Supreme Court, or what?
I'm not sure Mr. President. The Democrats want to know his position on Roe versus Wade.
Who cares how them coloreds get outta New Orleans.
Right Mr. President.

 

by suicide_king
9-27-05
Whassup, my niggah?
Fine, don't answer me. Just stand there so fucking smug with your pint of hipster craft beer. Won't even look me in the eye. Well fuck you, asshole. I hope you die of cancer.
Shaquille O'Neal is standing right behind you.

 

by suicide_king
10-11-05
Ahh, I love Halloween. A cool late October breeze in the air.
Excited children collecting treats in the neighborhood.
The registered sex offender skull fucking my eye hole.

 

by suicide_king
10-11-05
Good news, our Halloween costume was delivered! You get to be the reindeer's ass.
Fuck that, you're the reindeer's ass.
What in the fuck?
C'mon, link up to me.
Something is fucked up.

 

by suicide_king
10-12-05

 

by suicide_king
10-12-05

 

by suicide_king
10-12-05
Back that ass up!

 

by suicide_king
10-12-05
I'll take "Recently Deceased Black Americans" for $500, Alex.
This polyester wearing TV funnyman was known for his cracking wise and rhyming couplets in the company of B-list celebrities.
Who was Nipsey Russell?
No, sorry -- who was Johnnie Cochoran.

 

I once dated a guy with one testicle named Lance.
What did he name his other testicle?
by suicide_king, 10-14-05

 

by suicide_king
10-20-05
How was your baseball game, Billy?
We were gyped. We lost because the umpire made a terrible call.
Billy, please do not use that word. "Gyped" is a variation of gypsy, and it implies thievery or robbery. It's quite stereotypical and racist to link a whole group to being thieves.
Sorry Mom.
We were nigged.

 

by suicide_king
10-21-05
Good news, I got the fire going.
Mmmm, roasted duck.
This is because i'm black, isn't it.

 

by suicide_king
10-21-05
Of course, all God's creatures can enter into His Kingdom. Proceed through the pearly gates my good dog. Next!
Uhh, yeah, listen... we're really full here, and it's getting kind of late...
This is because I'm black, isn't it?
Remember to lock the gate...

 

by suicide_king
10-21-05
Please open it.
Hooray, just what I asked for! I think I'll call you Daffy.
This is because i'm black, isn't it.

 

by suicide_king
10-25-05
What's a cow say?
moo
So cute! What's a duck say?
quack
Good baby! What's a pig say?
Step outta the car nigger, and keep your hands where I can see 'em.

 

Listen kid, do NOT steal home. I know your colored and a fast runner and all, but this is our best hitter. We don't need you making a stupid decision as your people tend to do... OJ, those snipers.
That's it. I'm going home.
by suicide_king, 11-08-05

 

by suicide_king
11-21-05
Hey Pop.
Hi kiddo. So, where is your mother on this fine, fall day?
She's in the backyard blowin' the Branches.
You mean, "blowing the leaves."
No, Mr. Branch and his son from next door. You'll find 'em in the back, with their pants at their ankles.

 

by suicide_king
12-12-05
Hi kiddo. So, where is your mother on this fine, fall day?
She's in the back trimming bushes.
Where are your sisters?
They're in the back getting their bushes trimmed by mom.
You really need things spelled out for ya, huh?

 

Turn around, bitch, and back that ass up.
by suicide_king, 12-12-05

 

Mommy!!!
The old "cut a hole in the box and stick my dick in it" trick. Works every season at the mall.
by suicide_king, 12-12-05

 

by suicide_king
12-12-05
No more XBox, Billy.
Cunt. I pray you get the Aids.
Now Billy, wishing Aids on your Mother, or anyone else, won't make it so.
No, but slipping cat tranquilizer to my moms last night and fucking her limp body with my Aids infected penis might.

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