All comics by up4abeer

 

by up4abeer
4-09-07
I've tried emailing her, calling her, and texting her. No reponse. Do you think she's avoiding me?
It could be that global warming is disrupting all forms of electronic transmissions.
I hadn't thought of that. I bet she thinks I'm avoiding her.
Then again maybe she's not interested in you or worse she thinks you are a scary obsessed freak.
She sent me a card on Valentines Day.
That was a restraining order.

 

by up4abeer
5-07-07
An evaluation of your digital infrastructure revealed inadequate encryption algorithms deployed for encapsulation and transmission of authentication data.
He watched your network traffic and read your passwords like they were written on the wall of a public restroom
The severity of this vulnerability is heightened due to the simplistic key space used in hash creation with regard to authentication data complexity policies. Resulting in financial loss.

 

by up4abeer
5-07-07
He guessed your password to be GoTitans. He used it to take out a loan in the name of Richard Nixon.
You should also be concerned with unrestricted and unmonitored communication channels to external digital resources resulting in a reduction of internal assets.
A couple of your employees are using your PCs to sell office supplies on ebay.

 

by up4abeer
5-07-07
What are you doing here?
I have come to remind people that sex is natural and war is not.
I'm here for karaoke.
What are you going to sing?
"Onward Christian Soldiers" and "Keep Your Hands to Yourself"
You are such an Asshole.

 

by up4abeer
5-10-07
Why are you looking at me?
I'm sorry. It's just that I have a clown fetish. I want you now funny man.
Wow. This sort of thing never happens to me.
So maybe this is your lucky night.
You have a dick don't you.
A big one.

 

by up4abeer
5-11-07
David Schwimmer or Tom Cruise.
Got to go with Schwimmer. Dodge Neon or Chevy Tracker.
Definitely Neon. Atlanta or Miami.
No Contest. Miami. Suspenders or Bow Ties.
Suspenders aren’t gay. By the way pink dress shirts are totally gay. Only catchers wear pink shirts.
Anyone with suspenders should just walk around on their knees with their mouth open.

 

by up4abeer
5-21-07
She made me go to rehab. I've been going to AA meetings and hanging out in Starbucks
Bad for business.
I can't drink any more coffee. I haven't slept in days. I can't go home. There is something evil living there.
You mean like a evil spirit or something?
I call it the "bitch who put me in rehab".
That would be the "ghost of sobriety past".

 

by up4abeer
6-04-07
I'll take a big steaming dump on your face.
I'll put a disease infested live rat up your formally tight ass.
I'd piss on your tits if you had any.
That was just mean. Now I'm not in the mood.
I'm sorry Paris. You know I love you.
It's ok. Thanks for visiting. I love you too Britney.

 

by up4abeer
6-27-07
Why are you looking at my breasts?
I'm staying in the hotel next door. I have a suite with a hot tub. Wanna see?
I see the wedding ring. What about your wife?
She's more tubby than hot.
Shameless Pig
I love perky little tits.

 

by up4abeer
7-23-07
This coffee tastes stale. Get me a cup of fresh coffee.
Coming right up.
A fresh cup of our own special blend. How is it?
Hmm. Very distinctive flavor.
Our bar back pissed in it.
Yesterday my beer was warm.

 

by up4abeer
8-08-07
Lisa still won't return my calls. And I lost my job today.
Your credit card was just rejected. I'll need cash.
I'll clean out my savings and spend the entire week here drinking with you.
I have a flight voucher. You can use it to get out of town. Consider it a gift to me.
Don't you mean "from" me.
You should pack.

 

by up4abeer
8-08-07
I thought I'd find you here looking to put your horse in a different stall.
What? I don't have a horse.
By horse I mean cock and by stall I mean..
Is that your kid behind you?
Mommy what's a...
It's a male chicken.

 

by up4abeer
9-07-07
Knock it off you two.
He didn't literally pour his soul into it

 

by up4abeer
11-07-07
Thanks Mom but you really didn't have to come here.
Don't be silly. It's my only son's 40th birthday.
Do you want to have a drink and meet some of my friends?
No you go ahead. I must get home to you Father. It's Wednesday. We always do anal on Wednesday.
Oh grow up.

 

by up4abeer
11-07-07
Are you really seeing Beth?
For over a month.
I thought she was too classy to go date you.
No you thought a woman of her fame wouldn't date me.
Fame?
She has a STD named after her whatever that is.

 

by up4abeer
4-16-08
I kinda had sex with you ex-wife last night. I didn't want you to hear from anyone else.
Kinda?
I'm so sorry. I really like her. I know this is bad news for you my friend.
Well the good news for you my friend is that herpes is treatable.
Did you just say herpes is treatable?
Well kinda.

 

by up4abeer
2-09-09
They call me "Fireball." Why do ya'll think they call me "Fireball"?
I think a bee stung your nuts.
I think you give mentho-lyptus blow jobs.
I think you lit a fart and something went dreadfully wrong
Ya'll could have just said you don't give a fuck.
We didn't want to seem rude. Beer?

 

by up4abeer
2-12-09
The market experts predicted growth in banking and real estate.
They fucked up.
You in turn advised your clients to invest heavily in banking and real estate.
I fucked up.
I am now so broke I was wondering if urinal cakes are edible.
You fucked up.

 

by up4abeer
3-23-09
Only through Jesus shall one be with God and avoid the eternal lake of fire.
Jihad to zionist infidel dogs. Priase to Muhammad, for only he is praiseworthy
Let Budda the "Enlightened One" lead us to eternal peace.
A life of simple purity is the only way to the kingdom
They can't all be right. We can agree on that.
True. However they can all most certainly be wrong.

 

by up4abeer
3-25-09
What's wrong with this country?
Let’s see, there’s the centrally managed financial system that uses an artificial interest rate to control the flow of money while masquerading as a free market economy.
And we do the highest obesity rate of any developed nation.
Rolling Stone put The Jonas Brothers on the cover. The Jonas Brothers? Where are our values?
Jeez we're more fucked than I thought.

 

by up4abeer
3-27-09
You've been hanging here alot lately. Things ok at home?
I think I'm burned out. You wouildn't believe what a pain some of those assholes can be.
We've got Hitler with his gay ass moutstash and that whiny bitch Elena Ceausescu.
Sounds like hell.
And don't even get me started on Jerry Farwell.

 

by up4abeer
3-30-09
You should join us for worship Sunday morning.
I think not.
Do you have a problem with church?
What you folks do on Sunday morning is your business and I support your right to do as you wish. It’s just that seeing it makes me uncomfortable.
Attending church makes you uncomfortable?
As do the films “Brokeback Mountain” and “Milk.”

 

by up4abeer
3-30-09
I can't believe you. This is 21st century. You can't refuse me service.
The hell I can't. Your kind is not welcome here.
I have money you asshole and I expect to be served
Any money you have is stolen. GET OUT NOW!
Fucking bankers.
I tossed a stockbroker out of my place yesterday.

 

by up4abeer
3-31-09
I am absolutely pro-life. Every life is sacred.
So I assume you oppose the death penalty.
Hell no. Kill them sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry I don’t see how you can claim to be pro-life when it comes unborn fetuses and yet pro-death when dealing with adults. I find your selective system of morals very disingenuous.
I accept your apology. And uh thank you.

 

by up4abeer
4-02-09
A pint of Guinness and a tuna if you please.
That'll be 11.50, Make it 12 if you want cheese.
Start a tab for me oh barkeep if you don’t mind
A credit card is required for service of that kind.
Oh my it seems I left my wallet in my other tux.
No stout or fish for you. Now don’t that fucking suck.

 

by up4abeer
7-27-09
So we sue Mel Gibson for the rights to "Passion of the Christ."
How much money will we get?
The real money will be in the sequel.
Good point. Mel didn't cover my resurrection.
Coming to theaters this Easter: "Passion of the Christ II, The Flying Jew. "

 

by up4abeer
11-01-11
Is my ex-wife here?
No. She usually doesn't come in until much later. Want me to call you when she comes in?
No no. I am trying to avoid the cheap whore.
I remember when she used to hang out here giving it up for cheap wine and Jello shooters.
You mean before she married me, had sex with my broker, and took half my assets.
Which from what I can gather were quite substantial. You changed her life.

 

by up4abeer
11-01-11
So she used to be a cheap whore. But now..
She's a hottie in designer jeans and a cashmere sweater over her perfect breasts.
There got to be a tax deduction in this somewhere.
And she's a hell of a tipper. Thanks for the bump.
So instead of a sucker who got taken by a young hottie I am really her benefactor. Thanks Toga. I actually feel better.
I should introduce you to my niece.

 

by up4abeer
11-08-11
She agreed to a Brazilian wax. Catch is I have to wax my junk. Is that weird?
A VAG surrounded by hair is a greater rarity than a Blockbuster video store.
Sounds extreme but worth it. Grab life I say.
Hot wax on your junk to copulate with bald pussy?
I win. She wins.
When she complains about your personal hygiene you should sodomize yourself with a plunger.

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