All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
11-15-07
i'm on timeout
you put your daughter on timeout, but now i can't get to the copier
fine, find me a hanger and a zippo and i'll discipline her the way i used to
you endangered a child so you could make copies of your butt?
yeah, but look! i drew little faces on them!

 

by mandingo
11-15-07
where's Santa?
I KNIFED HIM IN THE FUCKIN FACE, CHAINSAWED HIS ASS TO PIECES AND FED HIM TO THE GODDAMN REINDEER!!!!
inside?
inside.

 

by mandingo
11-18-07
hey, don't i know you from somewhere?
yes, i'm sure you do. i've had many acting roles of meaning. roles that influenced people's lives. roles that mattered
you sure did! i remember now! you were that elf at Macy's last year! you were great!
i'm not talking Macy's, madam! i'm talking television! stage and big screen work too! roles that mattered! characters that had something to say! i'm Abe Vigoda, madam! thespian!
oh. so you weren't that elf then.
i was SANTA!

 

by mandingo
11-19-07
just go already!
fine. b3 to d4
and then he went b3 to d4!
HAHAHA! what an asshole!

 

by mandingo
11-20-07
Savior, i'm receiving a long-range subspace communication
on screen
big party in the 7th level, J man! put away the Son on God, and let out that party beast Son of Man!
look at the titties on that bitch!
shall we respond, Savior?
from the shuttlecraft. at warp 12.

 

by mandingo
11-21-07
green and red, green and red, what does that remind me of?
oh, of course! Ho Ho Ho! how silly of me!
that time i fisted Kermit.

 

by mandingo
11-22-07
yay, happy Pie Day!
it's called Thanksgiving
but what i give thanks for is pie so i call it Pie Day
happy Baldwin Mortality Day!

 

by mandingo
11-23-07
my dad died 18 years ago today, right there on that spot
that wet spot, i should say
i love you, Real Doll

 

by mandingo
11-25-07
i love this game! you get to sit in a car in front of a steering wheel! you have to dodge all the falling bricks and run over as many people as you can before the police catch you!
kill the engine and step out of the vehicle, scumbag!
helicopter bonus round!

 

by mandingo
11-25-07
help, he's trying to steal my purse!
help! Super Racist! he's trying to steal my purse!
you can't have it, Super Racist!
the nigger i can't!

 

by mandingo
11-28-07
tag, you're it!
!
you're getting it now!
would you go in there and tell your sons to quit humanshining?
why are they always my sons when they're humanshining, but always your sons when they're evolving the ability to speak?

 

by mandingo
11-28-07
what are you doing, Karen?
i'm looking for my kitty. have you seen her?
i don't know, what did she used to look like?
used to?
well it's a fine lathe, Karen, but it doesn't have an undo button
i hate you, Milkman Dan!

 

by mandingo
11-28-07
*gulp* we're surrounded. and his hands are soooo cold
and even his fingertips have hair!
relax, we're not here to milk you
we're here to claim Prima Nocte

 

by mandingo
11-29-07
that movie was great, huh?
Nein! zee movie sucked! everzing about it sucked! you suck for not seeing zat it sucked!
wanna fuck?
i don't fuck zee suck!

 

by mandingo
11-29-07
Heinrich Holzman! this is your GOD! for being a Nazi in your youth, the rest of your days will be spent blind and deaf! never again will you hear your wife's tender voice or see her loving face!
NO! NOOOO! I CAN'T SEE OR HEAR ANYZING!
zat's wonderful, Heinrich!
now do Colonel Klink!

 

by mandingo
11-30-07
if she's gonna die anyways, why not spare her the lesbian gangrape?
i would, but it's the gangrape that kills her
gangrape and cancer

 

by mandingo
11-30-07
that was a mighty goat fart.
well, i'm a mighty goat.
a mighty goat indeed.
so very mighty.

 

by mandingo
12-01-07
maybe you could use your Jesus Sense to look in the forest for the kidnappers
i asked you to call it my Savior Sight
but i thought you closed your eyes when you did it?
maybe
and wait. isn't your vision like 20/80 or something?
stupid basketball

 

by mandingo
12-02-07
i'm going to have my way with you!
oo, good! i'll pinch my nipples while you do!
geez, what would make owls act like that?
i don't know. maybe a couple of sex freaks come out and feed them. they say animals take on the characteristics of their master

 

by mandingo
12-03-07
okay, Goat, you get in there and give him all you got! i wanna see left hooks, i wanna see right! jab, jab! don't let up! never let up!
DING DING!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? YOU WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

 

by mandingo
12-03-07
THERE WAS A RAT TAIL IN MY FRIES!!!
rat tail
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!
rat tail, rat tail
RAT TAIL, RAT TAIL, RAT TAIL! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, CLYDE??
looking for it on the register so i can charge you for it

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
welcome to Woppy Burger U. here you'll learn everything you need to know to serve fresh Woppy goodness to the demanding Woppy masses. but a word of warning - it isn't easy. our dropout rate is 80%
first, let me ask you, can you count to ten?
yes.
then i'll just sign your diploma here...

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
hi, i'd like to return this perfume i bought for my wife. she didn't like it
sure, which perfume is it?
Sexy by Calvin Klein
so i guess you could say you're bringing Sexy back!

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
christ, i'm so horny
hi, i'm alice!
hi!
kill my husband for me and we'll fuck like monkeys! but dirtier!

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
i've been all over town, but no one's hiring
i hear they need a Santa's Helper down at the mall
babe, i'm not going to degrade myself like that. i'm an electrician. electricians get electrician jobs
Santa's Helpers get anilingus

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
hey, you wanna go to church with me?
sweety, i know you mean well, but i'm an atheist. i hate everything about church. the brainwashing sermons, the stupid hymns, those chintzy little crackers and kool-aid
actually, they started using wine again

 

by mandingo
12-04-07
sir, we asked you to stop greasing the handicap ramp

 

by mandingo
12-05-07

 

by mandingo
12-06-07
i be Eddy the water troll, guarding this cooler's my goal, if ye want a drink, then before i thrice blink, guess my name or lose your soul!
Eddy
scrumbuttles! everyone be guessing it!
well, you say it in your little intro rhyme thingy there
THAT NOT BE COUNTING THEN!
too late, water troll! too late.

 

by mandingo
12-06-07
you Lippy Pete? i've come to challenge you to a lip-off!
oh god! those lips! those meat red lips! i didn't know! I DIDN'T KNOW!
6 months later...
congratulations, son. you outlipped me. now every young upstart lipslinger this side of the Mississippi will come looking for YOU. welcome to hell, son. welcome to hell

 

by mandingo
12-07-07
hey, dad, look! i dug up a carrot!
he looks great, Mark!
hey, dad, look! i dug up a crime scene!

 

by mandingo
12-07-07
hey, dad, look! i dug up a crime scene!
dad, dad! quick! look!
dad, where are you??
i'm right behind you, son. now where's this crime scene?

 

by mandingo
12-08-07
as kids, Saturday morning cartoons used to be the highlight of our week. now all they have on Saturday mornings are these stupid, goddamn infomercials. the networks should be ashamed of themselves
no way that cuts through the can

 

by mandingo
12-08-07
i didn't know what to do for Show & Tell, but i finally decided on something for the ladies
zip it up, young man.

 

by mandingo
12-10-07
what's up, Clucky?
your hand's what. up my butt! and boy do you have cold fingers!
after the show...
hey, mister! can i get your autograph? please! i loved your ventriloquist act!
ventriloquist act?

 
by mandingo, 12-11-07

 

by mandingo
12-12-07
now don't worry. as your anaesthesiologist, i'll be there to put you under, and i'll be there when you wake up. though i've been told i look a little different

 

by mandingo
12-12-07
hey, Kate, Merry Xmas!
it's not Xmas, it's Christmas. "Christ mass." what's Xmas? mass for X? what does that even mean?
we've been hoodwinked! we've been had! led astray, led amok! bamboozled! we didn't land on the North Pole, the North Pole landed on us!
i take it you didn't like your cross pen set
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE DEVIL!

 

by mandingo
12-12-07
so i die on the cross for their sins, and this tubby fuck who dresses like a clown will get all the credit?
yeah, well your story's kind of a downer, son. his is all jingle bells and Ho Ho Ho and singing elves
Liberace steals my press?
no, he comes later. but if you're so worried about it, there's something we can try
*sniff*
stop crying, grab a ladder, and climb up here and get your train!

 

by mandingo
12-13-07
hey, Farmer Joe, why do they call this place a slaughter house? i thought you said there'd be a big party and lots of cake
oh... uh... well it's so much fun, they jokingly call it "slaughter house." you know, the way you'd call a fat guy, "Slim," or a tall guy, "Shorty."
do they let pigs into heaven, Farmer Joe?
i don't know, Pete. i don't know.

 

by mandingo
12-13-07
nope, sorry. i don't do that. it's $20 for a blowjob or $40 for half and half
i said anilingus!
look, read the tat on my ass. "I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone at any time for any reason."
what? where? the only tat i see says, "I'm a dirty illiterate whore who gave the WRONG motherfucking tattoo artist VD."

 

by mandingo
12-14-07
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! I'M A MURDEROUS CLOWN WITH MOMMY ISSUES! BOOHOO!
is this helping your rehabilitation at all, Harold?
well, in a way. i've decided to stop targeting only women
DADDY ISSUES!

 

by mandingo
12-14-07
margle bargle dargle sargle nargle pargle?
fargle?

 

by mandingo
12-14-07
dude, i got hit with Gamma radiation and now i morph whenever someone curses
what, like the Hulk? with superhuman strength and shit?
RHODIOLA EXTRACT!
not exactly like the Hulk, no.

 

by mandingo
12-15-07
these remind me of Gauguin's early pieces. a little too chaotic. but that's what's so exciting! it's like we're glimpsing the very heart of the creative spark!
HULK SMASH
no, no, dear boy. these are priceless works of art. if something ever happened to them, the future would weep their loss
HULK SORRY
want to go back to my place?
HULK DOWN

 

by mandingo
12-15-07
huh. says here Diane Sawyer's middle name is Onassis.
oh dear fuck! don't you see?? Diane O. Sawyer! Diane O. Saur!!! DINOSAUR!!!!!!
YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONES!! NOT ME!! BEND OVER AND TAKE IT FROM THE MESOZOIC PERIOD!! BEND OVER AND TAKE IT FROM YOUR REPTILLIAN OVERLORDS!!!
what's wrong with him, doctor?
oh, he's perfectly sane. the world just isn't ready, Lisa. the world just isn't ready.

 

by mandingo
12-16-07
what are yae doin, mae love? yae been in the the pisser for nae 40 minutes. mae MacGregor needs a wee bit a throat time, by Connery!

 

by mandingo
12-17-07
what the hell
i'm doing a historical reenactment so i kidnapped Katherine Harris, stripped her naked, and hired a crane to lower a randy horse down onto her
you're thinking of Catherine the Great
nah, i'm doing the 2000 election
you wouldn't BELIEVE what elephant rental goes for these days

 

by mandingo
12-18-07
take a memo, Beth
this isn't another personal memo, is it? i've been finding those kinda creepy
no, no, this is strictly work related
okay, go ahead then
DEAR FRED SAVAGE,

 

by mandingo
12-19-07
she says you're too slow. too "GODDAMNED slow" in fact. then she starts making fun of the fact that you're illiterate.
after that, she talks about how you're incompetent in bed.
i never asked you to read this to me.
i know. then on page two...

Showing page 20.

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