All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
3-07-07
Dude, comic #1000 really sucked.
Ah, but there are degrees to "suckness". Let's use movies as an example. #1000 didn't suck like say, a romantic "urban" dance movie or the latest Hannibal Lecter flick.
I submit to you that comic #1000 sucked like "The Phantom Menace", "The Fantastic Four" or any movie based on a video game.
Which means it, like, blew.
Pretty much, yes.

 

by Ranger77
3-07-07
For all the trouble you've put me through, I should just kill you right now.
But you won't. If you strike me down in cold blood you'll be no better than the bad guys you fight and you will agonize over killing me forever.
Ah, but suppose you were to make some sort of last attack that causes your accidental death.
Well, I guess a final desperate move is something I would do, but I don't see how that would....

 

by Ranger77
3-08-07
Here we are, our little group representing four generations of women, talking, sharing and known by a cute but relevant collective name.
This is just great. As the oldest one here, I'm very happy.
I'm going to die, aren't I?
Yep. probably about halfway through this thing. You will be missed though....

 

by Ranger77
3-08-07
I know I'm a attractive upper middle class white woman but I'm here to save you racially diverse inner city kids with my wit and charm!
You see, your "gang," drug, poverty and violence problem here can be solved in under 90 minutes!! Here's how....
Interpretive dance AND poetry? She's lucky she got out alive.
Yeah, she went for the two-fer. But at least she didn't get as messed up as that competition cooking guy from last week....

 

by Ranger77
3-08-07
Gee Billy, we are sure in a jam!
You said it! The jail doors have electronic locks and are made out of Titanium! Do you have any commercially available products we can use?
I brought my Ipod! Improbable as it may seem, I'll rig it to hack into the lock system and have that door open in seconds!
And I'll use my Zune and my Nintendo DS to tap into the surveillance cameras to cover our escape. Good thing I've got my Sketchers on!
But before we get to all that product placement I'd better take some Zyrtec (cetirizine HCl) for my allergies.
You know, the most common side effects of Zyrtec are drowsiness, tiredness, and dry mouth. You'd better wash it down with this Pepsi.....

 

by Ranger77
3-09-07
So I'm supposed to write a screenplay based on your television show from the 70's. Ninety minutes. Ninety LONG minutes.
....so that's when I told Vic Tayback, "Stay the hell away from my Twinkies!!"
The question is should we include you and have people be horrified by the way you've aged or just get new actors.
We all got along on the set....especially when we were doing heroin. We pretty much stay the hell away from each other now.
I still can't believe they passed on my Thundercats script.
You know that Viagra is some good shit. Lookee here: Two hours its been up! I feel 65 again!

 

by Ranger77
3-10-07
We here in Hollywood have the reputation of being liberal, but stopping gun violence should be a bipartisan issue.
America needs to wake up from its love affair with guns and start doing the right thing!
The actor then went on to promote his new movie "Hyper GunDude 2: The Reckoning" before leaving the press conference with his armed bodyguards.

 

by Ranger77
3-10-07
Meanwhile....
Did you see that they are showing "Catwoman" on AMC this week.
AMC? American Movie Classics? Catwoman with Halle Berry??
Yep.
Catwoman. On American Movie CLASSICS.
You know if you just accept that the world is INSANE, little nuggets of absurdity like that would be easier to take.
We're talking the corny walk, leather outfit, bad acting Catwoman or is it a remake with Meryl Streep or something?

 

This didn't ACTUALLY happen but, if I had a squid suit....
Hey, Ivy....Whassup!
I swear Ranger I will KILL you if you don't get out of here.
by Ranger77, 3-11-07

 

by Ranger77
3-11-07
I'm sorry. I really should keep things to myself. i shouldn't have told you that they were showing Catwoman on AMC.
It's okay. We're friends. Just give me some warning when you lay a factoid like that on me.
So I guess the fact that there is actually a Nick Fury movie starring David Hasselhoff floating around would require advance warning as well.
Well judging by the way I almost lost control of my bowels when you said that, I would say yeah.

 

by Ranger77
3-12-07
USAToday 1/12/07 - "Many states are grappling with a big increase in the number of power outages caused by squirrel electrocutions. "
Let's roll.
"Squirrels that fry themselves on power lines and transformers cause tens of thousands of blackouts every year."
Ow! Dammit!
"It appears that the problem may in part be due to acorns...."
No shit.

 

by Ranger77
3-14-07
Dammit Albert, keep your mouth shut!
I think we've done a good job in managing the department. Things are going to happen. I accept responsibility....
Damn, Attorney Generals. First Ashcroft kills my porn and now this. This is the last time I hire Mexicans!
I work for the American people and serve at the pleasure of the president.
That's a DAMN lie. You ain't never gave me no blowjob.

 

by Ranger77
3-16-07
This one was a bit too silly and didn't make it to post.
Shiite scum.
Sunni dog.
It's presented here (with apologies) for the first time.
I will kill you.
Not if I kill you first.
After all, with the title "Brokeback Iraq" the joke was all too obvious.
I want you.
We're starcrossed. Take me now.

 

by Ranger77
3-16-07
More comics from the bin.
Look if you idiots can believe Zsa Zsa Gabor's HUSBAND has a shot, so do I!
Do you really have to ask why?
I'm telling you, just give her to me and that will solve the whole "where to bury her" thing.

 

by Ranger77
3-18-07
Today was crazy. I was representing this client. The store owner I told you about and....
I want oral sex.
Wow. Ok....
I want you to go down on me. Probing tongue, glazed donut look when you're done....the whole bit.
Well...I....
I've prepared this Powerpoint presentation that describes in detail what what I'm looking for. Have a seat...

 

by Ranger77
3-18-07
So as you can see, the female genitalia is a complex mechanism that, when manipulated correctly, can....
Can I interrupt here for a second? I assume that by you giving me this "presentation" I'm doing something wrong?
Not at all. I'm simply expressing my needs. Good communication is an important aspect of a strong marriage.
I understand that, but a presentation? And this brochure you gave me....
I'm just using different ways of expressing my point of view. I'm looking at this objectively.
Are you sure? Any guy might think that if his wife gave him a handout entitled "Cunnilingus for the Sexually Retarded," something was wrong.

 

by Ranger77
3-19-07
So that's the end of the presentation. Any questions?
Actually, yes. Does this have anything to do with the fact that I mentioned that I had oral sex with a former girlfriend?
Honey, we've been married for almost 10 years. Why would I be jealous of some woman who doesn't even matter in your life anymore?
Well, that's true. You shouldn't feel that way.
Besides, getting angry about some bitch slut that you fucked with your tongue doesn't matter to me. After all I'm just your WIFE.
Good. I was worried that you were getting upset....

 

by Ranger77
3-20-07
All I'm saying is that some men don't realize when they're not exactly being as romantic as they could be.
Oh boy. Here we go.
Remember that time we were having sex and out of the blue you burped.
Ah, the burping episode. If I recall I said something so clever after that, that we both said we would remember it fondly forever.
I know....But somehow saying "Well, at least I didn't fart" doesn't seem so clever anymore.
Refresh my memory here. We ARE still talking about me going down on you right?

 

by Ranger77
3-25-07
Despite all this, what's important is that our relationship is strong enough to handle a conversation like this. I love you.
I love you too.
Even though you can be as thick as a brick sometimes.
I figure if I start drinking now, I'll be completely wasted by 10pm. Sweet!

 

by Ranger77
3-28-07
Another week, another....
Shit! I knew this would happen eventually.
Face it, bird-dude. They're hostages now. Their captors won't even consider letting them go until we, like, admit responsibility.
We're they actually...?
Trespassing? Hell no. Well....at least I don't think so.
So why in the hell would Bernie and Helena be sneaking around a Dianetics clinic?!
Dude. Please. Even I don't ask questions about what goes on around here any more....

 

by Ranger77
3-29-07
This is kidnapping, you know.
You were tresspassing on official Scientology property. You will now record a statement admitting your guilt.
Keep dreaming.
You are strong and well liked. I wonder will people still respect you once they find out your inner most secret?
You bastard.
Don't be so harsh. After all, I'm sure alot of independent, spirited women have an obsession with "My Little Pony"....

 

by Ranger77
4-02-07
You won't get away with this. You lured us to this house.
With the promise of a rare "Hello Kitty" lunchbox. Yes...WE know that, but the general public will believe that you are agents sent to smear and sabotage the name of Scientology.
You bastards. Where's Bernie?
He's being....taken care of.....
You guys don't get this whole "biblical' thing do you?

 

by Ranger77
4-03-07
"You will submit to us! Dianetics is life!"
Maybe. Or maybe I've been pretending to be powerless. Out of curiousity.
If that was the case I would probably eventually get bored, rescue Helena and burn this whole place down.
"Shit."
Thought I'd just throw that out there. B-I-B-L-I-C-A-L. Remember? Starts with the letter B....

 

by Ranger77
4-03-07
Bernie.
Hello, Ted.
Pretty good blaze you got going. Who tried to kidnap you this time?
Scientologists.
Eech! We can just stay out here then.
Works for me.

 

by Ranger77
4-04-07
I think we got most of 'em. According to what I'm being told, they really wanted that burning bush friend of yours. It's a religious thing. You got in the way.
Whatever. This isn't about star quality or who was worth more to them. A crime was committed here. I hope they get what they deserve.
Well, anyway there were no serious injuries. Good thing too. I hate the smell of burnt Scientologists.
You're pissed that you weren't the target aren't you?
Since when did being a consultant to a Jew on a mountain become so cool??

 

by Ranger77
4-14-07
What are you trying to tell me here?
It's like this, dude. I've accepted a position with another company as a Sales Account Manager. I figure it'll, like, give me the opportunity to use my communication skills.
Really.
I'll be selling solutions to, like, Fortune 500 companies. I'll be, like, interacting with C-level executives.
You'll be, LIKE, begging for your job back within a week.
I think I might need to buy a sport coat. You know....to be all professional and shit....

 

by Ranger77
4-15-07
Welcome to the company! You're not only a member of a sales organization....YOU are a member of a sales TEAM.
And remember one thing: there is no "I" in team.
There is a 'T' though. Maybe an 'M.' And a...Ummm...'H'?? Fuck it. Do you play Golf?
So, like, where did you get your Marketing degree?

 

by Ranger77
4-16-07
This is your cubicle, but we expect you to be out most of the time selling our solutions.
No prob. Like as soon as I get training on what we sell I'm all over that.
A good sales rep doesn't need to know WHAT he sells. He sells using the paradigm of change. And magic. The magic of synergy!
If you truly embrace our vision statement you can....Dammit! I left my Flintstone chewables in the car.
Like, where's the bathroom?

 

by Ranger77
4-16-07
You WILL have to attend our "Power Base Solution Selling for Success" class. It's a two day course, ten hours per day.
You'll be divided into groups to role play and participate in interactive learning games. On the last day there's a group presentation. Doesn't that sound fun!
I'm sorry.....Did you just growl at me?

 

by Ranger77
4-16-07
"Power Base Solution Selling for Success" reflects the core values of this company. It's everything we aspire to be....
"Attention everyone. It's Monday and I just read a new management book! We're replacing 'Power Base Solution Selling for Success' with 'Who Moved my Chicken Soup for Highly Effective People!"
This is AWESOME! Do you know what this means??!!
It means that I tuned you out a long time ago and I'm checking out the tits in this office.....

 

by Ranger77
4-16-07
I heard from Chuck. Evidently they are making him attend a "team building sales training seminar."
Interesting. I've never heard of those.
It's pretty simple actually. Someone (usually old salesmen) takes common sense, wraps some buzzwords around it and sells the result as 'power' training to companies for thousands of dollars....
I try not to think of all the "monsters" I've created in this strip.

 

by Ranger77
4-17-07
Chuck takes a break at his new office....
I'm in charge of all of our marketing for North America!
Really.
It's exciting work. For example we are doing this big promotion with "Spiderman 3." You buy a ticket and you get 10% off our product.
Cool. Except, like, what do we sell? Are our products, like, related to the movie in some way.
You're silly. How about some casual sex later?
Yeah. Life is good in Corporate America.

 

by Ranger77
4-17-07
So you ready to come back yet?
Dude are you kidding?! I'm getting paid for learning a bunch of bullshit catchphrases and as a sales rep I don't have to know dick!
Have it your way. I guess as long as you don't have sex with any dippy Marketing chicks you're ok. That's the first sign of trouble.
*sigh* You did already, didn't you? Come on, Chuck, you've only been there for a couple of days....
Um....Did I mention that "Business moves at the speed of ideas" and I that don't have to know dick?

 

by Ranger77
4-18-07
King Elementary School - 1972
Ok, children today we're going to play a fun game about TEAMWORK. It'll help you when you grow up! Doesn't that sound exciting?
YAYY!
[company name withheld] Sales Meeting 2007
Ok everyone, we're going to play an interactive simulation to teach you about teamwork. It'll be fun. Any questions?
Yeah....fuck you and when is Milk Time? These Graham Crackers I brought with me aren't going to, like, eat themselves y'know.

 

by Ranger77
4-18-07
Congratulations Chuck! We're promoting you from Sales Account Manager to Sales Account Executive. There's no pay increase, but, this is a positive thing!
We're increasing the number of accounts you have and giving you a corresponding quota to challenge you. We don't want you to ever be bored.
Hopefully this promotion shows how much we value our people. We're a TEAM here. I want all of us to...
Dude if you, like, tell me to "work hard, play hard and have fun while doing it" I WILL kill you and I GUARANTEE they will never find your body.

 

by Ranger77
4-18-07
I heard there were layoffs last month. Did you, like, lose anyone in Marketing?
No, thank God. They left us alone. Management realized that Marketing and Public Relations are the life blood of an organization.
Try again.
Do you realize how 'fugly' the people in this office would look if you got rid of ANYONE in Marketing! Have you SEEN those women in Accounting??

 

by Ranger77
4-28-07
Chuck apparently is still gainfully employed.
I'm a bit surprised about that myself.
A career in Corporate Sales. Interesting....
Yeah. I hear he's even developing a work ethic. He called me yesterday to tell me how he's holding daily meetings with the Marketing department....
I've got this new initiative I think we should, like, discuss....
And I told you before Chuck, no anal. And are you done yet? I'm getting a cramp in my leg....

 

by Ranger77
4-28-07
Chuck, HR wants to see you. I had to report your numerous sexual activities with the women in Marketing. Your actions are in violation of our code of conduct.
This is a progressive, culturally diverse environment. As Special Assistant District Manager I will NOT have a hostile workplace.
'Specially when you pushin' up on all the bitches and ain't givin' a brother a chance, know what I'm sayin? You gotta spread that shit around.
At this point "Kyle", I probably should mention that you're, like, really beginning to creep me out. Homey.

 

by Ranger77
4-28-07
So how was your meeting with Human Resources?
I....don't....know....

 

by Ranger77
4-30-07
Klaatu Barada Nikto. You will be assimilated. EXTERMINATE!
All your bases belong to us. Bye.
I think our IT HelpDesk just, like, denied my request to get Adobe Photoshop installed on my laptop.
And this surprises you?

 

by Ranger77
5-01-07
I stopped by to tell you I'm in this for myself. I'll throw you to the wolves in a minute to save my own skin.
I really got this job because of who I know. As long as they're here i'll keep getting promotions even though I'm pretty useless.
How's that Universal Corporate Translator earpiece working for you?
Eh....it's just telling me stuff I already know.

 

by Ranger77
5-02-07
Welcome to Day Two of our seminar on Human Intelligence. This specimen is #2429. He has been made to be a functional idiot.
Notice the glazed look.
We actually didn't do this to him. He volunteered to watch daytime television for us and we later found him trying to remove his brain with a spoon....

 

by Ranger77
5-03-07
Previously on "Ranger's World...."
It's pretty simple actually. Someone (usually old salesmen) takes common sense, wraps some buzzwords around it and sells the result as 'power' training to companies for thousands of dollars...
I try not to think of all the "monsters" I've created in this strip.
So....
I'm thinking to do this right we'll have to be without real substance and focused on getting corporate cash from the stupid and gullible.
Business as usual, then. Cool....

 

by Ranger77
5-06-07
I think we have a plan. A Corporate self help franchise loosely based on common sense, sappy stories and an exaggerated stereotypical view of Eastern religion.
This is going to be big. I can feel it. My only fear is that we might encounter a company that will see this as what it is....utter bullshit.
I mean, corporations with Sales organizations....they should at least be able to see when someone is using their own less than honest tactics against them.
You're kidding, right?
Yeah. Fuck 'em. Let's light this candle....

 

by Ranger77
5-06-07
"This is a PAID advertisement."
To suceed in business you must have goals. You must also bend like the wind against adversity. I'm Brother Monk #1.
And I'm Brother Monk #2. "Drunken Monkey Crane Style Assertive Sales Training" can give you that competitive edge.
This 600 year old program features role-play, group presentations and exercises designed to make you look stupid in front of your peers, but successful.
Our proven method is intense and expensive. Even if your company isn't doing so well and cutting back expenses, you'll find the money to pay us.
Think of it like Jello. There's always room for Jello....
My God. He's right! We NEED this! Must....cut....a purchase order...

 

by Ranger77
5-06-07
Great News! I found some new dynamic training online. I'm proposing to Exceutive Management that EVERYONE go through it. Well everyone except Executive Management anyway....
This is so cool. When you screw up I can always say that at least I made training available to you even it it wasn't relevant. This will, of course, save my ass from crticism.
So what do you think??
I'm just, like, amazed especially considering I'm not wearing that Universal Corporate Translator earpiece....

 

by Ranger77
5-06-07
9:15am
Let it go, Chuck. If you make a fuss about this "new" training, you'll earn a trip to see Human Resources.
Like, I can't dude. This is bullshit. I'll, like, tone down my language. Maybe that will work. Use logic and shit....
10:22am
You have a problem with our adoption of the "Drunken Monkey Crane Style Assertive Sales" training?
I just think, like, our time could be better spent in internal strategy sessions or product training....
11:47am

 

by Ranger77
5-09-07
Sir, as the Senior Executive Area Vice President you can see the value of this exciting sales training.
I definitely do Special Assistant Area District Manager. Our people need this kind of thing. Get it scheduled asap.
Nice tie.
Thanks. Want to see the latest org chart?

 

by Ranger77
5-10-07
Your Sales staff will benefit greatly from our program.
I'm sure they will. "Out of the box" thinking is what we need more of around here.
To customize our course to your own business needs and objectives I will need to ask you a few questions.
Awesome! "Customized training"! I knew you guys were good! Shoot. Ask me anything.
How much cash will we be able to get out of you?
Something's wrong....Mind weakening....purchase power getting stronger.....

 

by Ranger77
5-10-07
We...need...more.....
Great. Our Management Consulting services would benefit your organization.
....will benefit our organization....
Of course that will double the price of our offering. But surely you can handle it.
....surely we can handle it..... BTW, I'm not under some kind of Jedi mind trick am, I?
Strangely enough, no and that's a bit disturbing....

Showing page 21.

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