All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
5-10-07
I feel it necessary to warn you that we're taking these idiots for as much as we can.
I know. Considering how much you can make selling bullshit training to companies I'm, like, surprised you weren't here sooner.
It gets worse. They are also signing up for our 'Management Consulting Services,' whatever that means. Get out while you can.
Monk dude, you and your brother can do your thing. Me....I have some goals and objectives I want to achieve before I leave. Corporate life isn't THAT bad actually.
That's commendable. What's her name?
Julia. In PR. As soon as I tap that ass I'm outta here like Windemere....

 

by Ranger77
5-10-07
"Windemere?"
This place does weird things to you, man....weird things.

 

by Ranger77
5-12-07
I got Executive approval for your training course, but I heard that you and your brother won't actually be teaching it.
No, over the past couple of weeks our "Drunken Monkey Crane Style" program has gotten very popular. We cannot possibly be everywhere at once.
I'm a little concerned by that....
Don't be, Kyle. We hired facilitators who have the same background and experience as my brother and myself. They are certified in the program and quite capable....
Hello, I'm Brendon and this is Day One of "Drunken Monkey Crane Style" training. Let's breakup into groups and get started shall we?

 

by Ranger77
5-14-07
Let me get this straight....in two weeks you created a corporate training empire based on caricatures of Eastern philosophy and bullshit feel good catchphrases....
Yes.
And then you "certified' a bunch of ex-corporate "true believer" types to teach this stuff so you and your brother wouldn't have to do the actual work.
Correct.
Add a secret mountain hideout, bad accents and a bunch of uniformed minions and I would consider the whole thing a success.
Now you're just being silly. "Minions" would be kinda cool though....

 

by Ranger77
5-17-07
So as your Fairy Godmother I'm telling you that life without belief isn't really life at all. You must fight to be heard. Do not be silent. Your opinions matter.
I understand. Tomorrow I will start going door to door to gather signatures for a Paris Hilton pardon!
My dear, dear child....are you familiar with the term 'STFU?"
Right now....I think so....

 

by Ranger77
5-27-07
I guess we're screwed Scoob. We can't find Fred and Velma and Daphne took the Mystery Machine.
Daphne's a Runt.
I guess she is a bit short.
*sigh*
These updated cartoons tend to grow on you if you watch them long enough.
We're fucked, 'Raggy....

 

by Ranger77
6-04-07
*snort*
*snort* *snort*
*snort* *snort* *snort*
Rosie, it's just like I told you last time. We don't have any open positions....

 

by Ranger77
6-04-07
It looks like Rosie O'Donnell dropped by again. She is such a boorish woman.
Don't get me started....and he ain't a woman.
Come on, Hopkins. Just because she's a lesbian?
Nothin to do with that. Look at him. He ain't a woman. He looks like a guy I know named Stan. Works at Home Depot mixin' paint.
I beg to differ. SHE is definitely a human female. If she removed her clothes and spread her legs for you, I'm certain you'd find she would have a va....
Don't say it. Not now, not ever. Mental images like that scar the soul.

 

by Ranger77
6-04-07
I'm told that "Time Janitor" chap was Rosie's biggest fan.
Figures he would be. Why do you say "was."
Evidently he popped in to see her and accidently caught her nude in the bathroom shaving her crotch.
Damn. Poor fucker. Where is he now?
I like cake. Cake likes me.

 

by Ranger77
6-10-07
So what you're saying is Rosie....
Wait a minute....
Um....about Rosie you....
Will you hold on a minute?!
Do you mind telling me what you're doing?
Tryin' to figure out where them freakin' Google ads went to.

 

by Ranger77
6-22-07
Quiet around here, lately.
Yes, it is. Summer is the time of vacations and fun. Almost everyone is out and having fun.
Fun?
I have to admit, I look forward to the time when all the fun characters in this fun strip return. We have SO much fun when we're all together.
You're a robot stand-in, aren't you?
Your call is very important to us. Please hold on and I'll engage in fun conversation with you when I return from my vacation away from all you fun idiotic ratbastards.

 

by Ranger77
6-22-07
You know it just MIGHT be possible that you take things too seriously. Maybe do need to go out and see the world.
A former judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaner for 54 million dollars because they lost his pants.
And the Spice Girls are making a comeback.
Wow. I gotta say you make a compelling argument for staying indoors and not venturing into the world.
Thanks for talking with my robot stand-in. Your call is very important to us. Please hold on and I'll engage in REAL actual fun conversation with you when the insanity subsides a bit....

 

by Ranger77
6-22-07
Dude, I can't believe that you have a robot stand-in.
B was right....I needed to take a break and do something different.
So you've barricaded yourself in your house.
Yep and for my vacation I'm going to totally immerse myself into TV, the Internet and all forms of popular media.
After all that I'm thinking the robot will be in better shape mentally to hold a conversation with than you.
Don't get to used to him. He's a rental.

 

by Ranger77
6-24-07
Kid....are you in here? I wanted to check on you. This plan of yours to watch TV and post on Internet fan forums for your vacation is a bit worrying.
I'm fine. I have....evolved.
*Click!*
*Click*
I got a Class 3 Kafka Emergency here! Get me a couple of Orwell books and a Dr. Strangelove DVD....STAT!
Are you an assassin?

 

by Ranger77
6-24-07
This is some serious shit. I'll help you out dude, I promise.
I'm fine. Really. Immersing myself in popular media has expanded my awareness.
Dude. You're a cockroach.
By taking in all the cultural marketing directed at molding the minds of a nation with a short attention span, I have evolved into a new lifeform despite losing half my brain cells.
Damn YOU, Paris Hilton!!
You know the American version of "The Office" is pretty damn funny. It certainly beats out that British stuff....

 

by Ranger77
6-24-07
You alternative guys are just resisting to be different. You should embrace what the media wants you to believe.
For example I was watching VH1 and that reality show about that ghetto girl named "New York." She's really smart and misunderstood. Anyways she said....she said....
So. Do you want me to try to cure you or just put you out of your misery?
I don't....know. Give me a minute to think it over.

 

by Ranger77
6-25-07
VH1?? Dude what were you thinking?
In the pursuit of spiritual awareness, you sometimes forget to be careful.
You were watching TV. Basic cable....otherwise known as crap.
I prefer to say I was "experiencing" it.
Experiencing crap. That would make you more of a dung beetle than a cockroach don't you think?
Have you ever wondered where Flavor Flav gets those amazing clocks?? It boggles the mind....

 

by Ranger77
6-25-07
What your friend experienced is what we call "Channel Lock." It's pretty much an overdose of mindless media.
Is he going to be okay?
I think so. Usually in cases like this we wean them off with the Discovery Channel, BBC America and selected shows from the Food Network.
I hope it works. He pretty much spent the weekend watching VH1, MTV and BET.
Ah....so he was trying to kill himself.
No, he just flew too close to the flame, Doc. Too close to the flame....

 

by Ranger77
6-26-07
So how do you feel?
Good. I think I'm ready to go home now.
Well you know, they released Paris Hilton this morning....
...and I think you better plan on being here a few more days.
The darkness still dwells within me....

 

by Ranger77
6-27-07
Hello. As your robot stand-in I wanted to tell you that I was deeply saddened by your current condition. I felt I must do something.
It's ok. Until I get fully recovered I need you to carry on as ME out there.
Yeah. Well, that might be difficult. Since I am a representation of you I did something I probably shouldn't have.
Please don't tell me that....
I was okay until that "I Love the 80's" show came on.
*sigh* I know. If you want to ride, don't ride the white horse....

 

by Ranger77
6-27-07
I think I've figured out why watching TV turns us into roaches.
I though it might be related to a nuclear wasteland. That's pretty much what the fantasy bizzarro media throws at you every day. Thermonuclear warheads of directed thinking designed to make you numb.
Your mind becomes a desolate void under the onslaught of how you SHOULD be, how you SHOULD think and what you SHOULD like. In that wasteland only cockroaches survive.
I was going to say "invisible silly rays."
Well, that too....

 

by Ranger77
6-29-07
Meanwhile in in the Corporate World....
Chuck, even though you've somehow exceeded your sales quota by 300% we, Executive Management, have decided not to give you any commission.
There are many reasons for this that mainly have to do with with toodly doolity and fiddlely dee. I hope you understand and continue to show blind loyalty to us.
In other words, you are fucking me. Like, up the ass.
Actually we see it more as having relations with you in an uncomfortable way.

 

by Ranger77
6-29-07
I know you're upset about us changing the contract that you signed but these things happen. Difficult decisions have to be made.
Besides, you might want to just accept it and move on. Don't cause any problems. Just do as we say.
Dude, you sound like a bad chain letter.
That's ridiculous. Ask Joe K. He didn't listen to Executive Mangement and he got sick off of bad goat cheese. Then he got Herpes!

 

by Ranger77
6-29-07
So let me ask this....are YOU getting paid off my work?
That's a very complicated question, Chuck.
How, like, so?
Well my bonuses, as an Executive, come from a different bucket which of course enables me to keep up my lifestyle of high end drugs, hookers and wealth.
And the name of THAT bucket would be.....?
That bucket would be called "Stay the FUCK out of my 'bidness' peon." I think. I might have to consult my Executive Handbook to be sure....

 

by Ranger77
6-30-07
Look, let's just drop this. You're going to say more corporate bullshit, I'll just say something rude, and you'll, like, send me to Human Resources.
Chuck, we don't have to get HR involved. I have an open door policy and we can discuss this issue like men....as long as you agree with me in the end.
Fuck!

 

by Ranger77
7-03-07
Back at the Hospital....
That was the last injection. You should be okay now.
Thanks, Doc. This time I feel much better.
Let's do a test though....did you know Paris Hilton is thinking of becoming like Princess Diana even though she's a drug addicted, racist, airhead?
And did YOU know that more people were upset about her getting out of jail time than Scooter Libby?
Ow.
I know. You get used to the whole crawling thing after awhile. Try not to laugh, though. It only makes things worse.

 

by Ranger77
7-04-07
So, my robot twin, it apppears we're both back to normal.
Yep. And it's time for me to leave.
Leave?
I've got a new purpose in life. I want to see the world and experience new things and strange cultures with enhanced awareness and understanding.
And you're moving to....
Dublin, Ohio. I hear half of it is civilized and a few places there actually have indoor toilets....

 

by Ranger77
7-08-07
Welcome back!
It's good to be back. Anything new.
Not much. I'm just starting a new sitcom-like series about two young people in love.
Wow. Sounds pretty traditional....and safe. What's the catch?
"Trust me. There's no catch. We're playing this one straight."
It's too bright in here.
I was thinking the same thing.

 

by Ranger77
7-09-07
So I'm thinking that marriage is just another way of binding two people who love each other to the establishment. We should just live together.
We could love each other, have sex and when it gets boring we can see other people to appreciate our own relationship.
You're not buying any of this are you?
The Sisterhood is sending me telepathic orders to kill you. So far I'm resisting....

 

by Ranger77
7-09-07
Ok...we can get engaged. *sigh* Can we at least have a Pagan wedding.
Won't work. Mom's Wiccan.
Same thing.
No it isn't. Some Wiccans, like Mom don't consider themselves Pagans. If we have a traditional Pagan ceremony you'll alienate her and my sister who is a Neo-Druid.
Geez. And how about your Dad?
He's just Catholic and drinks alot. Not a problem.

 

by Ranger77
7-09-07
You think we should both change our last name?
Symbolically it shows how we are bonded in love and in life. I was thinking: Deathraven.
Deathraven.
Yep.
Todd and Bethany Deathraven.
Good it's settled then. Let's talk invitations....

 

by Ranger77
7-10-07
....represents humiliation and encourages the stereotypical power fantasy that all males are exposed to through negative images and socialization.
Well now that we got that all straightened out, I'm going to get a green tea. I'll be back.
Note to self: get used to NOT getting a blowjob. Ever.
Question for you....if we got a minivan, does it have to be black?

 

by Ranger77
7-10-07
This marriage thing is pretty scary. Beth is changing.
HAHA....told you dude. Marriage is for suckers. Take my advice, get out now.
I don't know. I love her....but....I don't know. Marriage. Wow. The joke she made about "The Sisterhood" was kinda funny though.
The Sisterhood?! Like telepathic messages and shit??
Yeah, but it was a joke.
Dude, I was never here....

 

by Ranger77
7-12-07
Dude i'm sorry for the way I behaved the other day. I was being paranoid. And stupid.
It's okay. You WERE just a bit strange....
Yeah...I know. I mean it's utter fantasy to think that there is some organized bunch of "sisters" out there that are a dominant shadow force in our culture. Right?
Um...that's a bit more elaborate that I was thinking but yeah....'utter fantasy' as you put it, I guess.
The "boy" has been neutralized.
Good. Keep an eye on him. If he talks again I'm thinking 'someone' should tell his friends of his masturbatory obsession with all things Oprah.

 

by Ranger77
8-13-07
I'm staring to feel that we're not really as goth and alternative as we think we are.
Don't be silly. You're just worried that once we get married we'll change drastically. We won't.
We WILL get older you know.
Yes but there's nothing wrong with holding on to a style, a feeling, an atittude.....we'll always embrace darkness.
I'm not embracing too much darkness with this wallpaper you had me put up.
Darkness is a state of mind. Good interior design is a necessity.....

 

by Ranger77
8-13-07
Dad I'm glad you sensed I needed to talk about this marriage thing. I really feel like I'm losing my sense of self. Maybe it's because I'm geting older.
I mean I know that in the past you thought I was strange and hated my clothes, my music and my friends. It's just I feel I'm losing all that and....and...
You're enjoying this aren't you?
Fuckin' A.

 

by Ranger77
8-13-07
Look, I've been thinking about getting married. Alot. And it's come down to actually talking through my fears or you just using sex to get me to do your bidding.
I think we both know what we should do.
I hear and I obey....Mistress.
Good. The wet naps are over there on the nightstand. Start wiping....

 

by Ranger77
8-13-07
Bethany. I've gotta ask you something and I hope you won't think I'm strange.
I think you're strange already but then again so I am I. That's the whole point.
Ok...but this is different. Do you....ever talk to your friends about us. You know....how we are when we're....
HA! That's funny. Guys always think that their wives and girlfriends are rating reviewing their sexual performance with their friends. It's a myth....
Bethany just filed her report. She was relatively satisfied with her last sexual episode and didn't have to fake an orgasm.
Interesting....I'm glad the"Three Minute Wonder," is beginning to learn something....

 

by Ranger77
8-16-07
Bitch.
Oh how long did it take you to think of that insult, asshole.
Hey fuck you. I don't need this.
You don't NEED this?! I'll tell you what you need....you NEED to shut the hell up!
This sucks. That damn Vick fella has just messed it up for everyone. Come on Duke....we're goin' home.
Kiss my ass.

 

by Ranger77
8-19-07
Somewhere in Virginia....
Wow. We're free.
Yep. Mike's probably going to jail and we don't have to fight each other anymore. Freedom is....nice.
After being bred for it, not having to actually FIGHT is quite liberating. I guess we're....friends now.
Yeah. I guess.
So....can I sniff your butt? I hate to be direct but.....
No, no....I compeletly understand. Go for it.

 

by Ranger77
8-20-07
Virginia (again....)
No. Sorry. We're not interested. The farm is closed. No more dogfighting....and we're not looking for new games to play with the dogs.
Shit.
Or cats.
Shit.

 

by Ranger77
8-20-07
August 18, 2007
So....when do you think I can get back to playing football?
Mike, that's the least of your worries. This crime carries can turn into a felony with jail time. Real jail time with "tossed salads" and steel toilets.
Ok....
PETA is using you as a poster boy, your dogfighting buds have turned on you and your image is trashed. No one can say anything to defend your actions. You'll have to plead guilty.
So....when do you think I can get back to playing football?
FOCUS, Mike!

 

by Ranger77
8-21-07
I can't help but think this whole Micheal Vick thing is overblown and racially motivated. So he gambled and sponsored an illegal activity. So what?
And just because you breed dogs to be killers and hang them by the neck when they lose doesn't necessarily mean you're a cold heartless bastard. This thing is about race. I'm tellin' you....
So....is the world still full of idiots?
Yep.

 

by Ranger77
8-21-07
We here at PETA would like to thank everyone, particularly NFL fans for standing up against Dogfighting.
Dogfighting is a cruel inhumane activity and anyone that participates in it should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
It's high profile issues like this that lets people know that PETA is not just a bunch of vegan activist whack jobs. We're popular again!
I think our organization has gotten more contributions and members over the past few weeks than any other time in our history. We're on all the talk shows and newscasts. Even ESPN!
And we owe it all to Michael Vick.
If I didn't hate him so much, I'd fuck him.

 

by Ranger77
8-21-07
So you want to join PETA?
For sure! We love animals. Can you hold on for a second....we're going through a McDonald's drive thru.
Honey....I hope you're not ordering anything made with animals. We expect our members not to eat meat. We're pretty firm about that.
Oh. wow. That's too bad. You see, me and my girlfriends come from wealthy families and we really would like to donate alot of money to your cause. We love animals and hate that football guy!
In that case you can have our "lite" membership as long as you only eat tuna and ugly animals that can't be made into cute Disney characters.
Nifty! Count us in!

 

by Ranger77
8-21-07
It's come to our attention that the recent strips here could be seen as subtle attacks on PETA. Just for the record we are a political organization for change.
Our membership base represents mainstream America. Take Linda here....tell the folks about yourself, hun.
Well I'm a Vegan Scientologist. I live in a co-op commune/trailer park. I only listen to and trust Russian newscasts. I believe owning a watch ultimately destroys the environment.
Um....
I braid my armpit hair when I'm bored and my most prized possession is a napkin that Barbara Striesand wiped her mouth with after eating a piece of fried tofu last year....

 

by Ranger77
8-23-07
Well I expected you to show up. Go ahead. Let me have it. Call us "whackjobs.' Make fun of PETA and activists like me.
Actually you guys are right on this one. People failed to realize that Vick was a rich guy who thought he above the law because of who he was: a celebrity.
It's been proven that someone who abuses animals is more likely to lack empathy and have sociopathic tendancies.
Wow! That's GREAT! You like us! You really like us!
Actually, you guys are still just a bunch of whackjobs. No offense.

 

by Ranger77
8-26-07
It'll work. I'm serious, dude. It'll be funny.
*sigh*
Ok....remember when I swing across, you jump up and try to hit me.
This is SO lame.
Live action Space Invaders rocks! Think of the comments we'll get! We'll be famous!! Ok....you ready??
YouTube is slowly destroying our planet one idiot at a time....

 

by Ranger77
8-27-07
This dogfighting thing has hurt me deeply. To protest I plan on going on a 500 mile hike. I'm leaving tomorrow.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. I feel the call! One voice CAN make a difference!
Ok, you guys are driving me up a fucking wall. I need to get out.
You realize, of course, if you come back with any strange kitty diseases I'm putting you down.

 

by Ranger77
8-28-07
I need you to sponsor my protest hike and make a strip out of it. I think the general public will love the drama of what I want to do.
The "general public" really couldn't give a care about a cat protesting dogfighting.
Ok. How about the war or lax laws for celebrities?
Look, the average person has a very short attention span. Your little 500 mile hike isn't going to make anyone take notice and read a strip based on it.
It's 1000 miles now and I plan to call it "Tales of the Wandering Pussy."
I'm in.

Showing page 22.

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