All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-05-02
I was transported into a large, sterile, seemingly empty room.
I "see" we have someone new here. Welcome to Invisibilics Anonymous. Care to tell us your name and why you're here?
My name's Steve, and I've damaged the space-time continuum.
Had I lost that pesky policeman?
Hello, Steve. My name is Claude. I'm a once-famous actor. But I faded away.
And my name is Hubert. I make comics. But British spies thought they were hitting too close to home.
Not exactly.
Well, my name is Bruno, and you're all under arrest for having an illegal secret society pursuant to Ordinance 65-B-114.... hey, what's happening to me?

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
I can't believe they fired me from my job as a stripper just because I was invisible.
Same thing happened to me, a traffic cop.
Hey, you're a policeman too?
Enough of this. It's time to fight for our rights. To take on the visible people!
I couldn't believe it. The invisible people were revolting!
Take it easy, bud. It's hard to maintain proper personal hygene when you can't even see yourself.

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
But back to my problem. If my messing with the fabiric of time had caused my invisibility, and things were getting more and more changed, I was getting into deeper trouble.
And just thinking of that was giving me a splitting headache.
Only one thing for it. I chugged down what was left of that half-spilled glass of bloody mary.
Glug.
Oh no, not again!

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
Shattered into a million pieces, reality plunges earthward.
Haven't you been here before?
I am unable to cope. everything goes black.
And haven't you been HERE before?
Until I wake up in familiar surroundings.
Hey you, out of the bed.
Yeah, it's our turn!

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
My surroundings were as invisible as I was.
Except for the narration box, of course.
Correction. My surroundings were more invisible. I seemed to be starting to fade slowly into existence!

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
After all we put him through, you'd think he'd appreciate getting some sort of corporeal form back.
Instead he is taking out all of his pent-up anger on us.
I wasn't expecting such a frosty reception, but it now appears we're about to be torn limb from limb.
That does appear to be the only logical outcome of this series.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

by kaufman
9-06-02
Hello, my name is Steve. If you have some time, I'd like to tell you about the second worst day of my life/
Don't
even
think
about
it!

 

by kaufman
9-07-02
We're gonna surround you in bigger amounts, then one distracts you while the others pounce.
We tear the flesh from woman and man, even the lawyer sittin' on the can.
Honey, don't tell me...
Yup. Velocirappers.
We communicate with a gutteral beat, bang the drums while we move our feet.
To escape from us there's one way only, you need a fat contract like Neill or Leoni.

 

by kaufman
9-09-02
]img] http://www.goatse.cx [/img[
We've got you surrounded, 'Gnip. Keep those outer brackets inverted, and nobody gets hurt!

 

by kaufman
9-11-02
March 14, 1996, 3:02 AM
zzzzzzzzz
March 14, 1996, 3:03 AM
zzzzzzzzz
March 14, 1996, 3:04 AM
zzzzzzzzz

 

by kaufman
9-11-02
Rock, rock, rock...
Rockin' round a 4-sided Pen-Ta-Gon!
PEN-TA-GON!
They must have ordered it from the same guy who built their Stonehenge.

 

by kaufman
9-12-02
I haven't told you yet about the summer I spent as a lesbian, have I?

 

by kaufman
9-13-02
It doesn't look good, Warren. At the full moon, your respiratory system will transform into a large, menacing, relentless killer.
Your very cells will malignantly consume everything in sight.
Aaooooooooooo!
Werewolves of lungdom.

 

by kaufman
9-15-02
So I didn't even make Obi's semifinal cut. I could have added many details, but either forgot to, or chose not to.
What does that mean? Am I shallow and empty, or is ObiJo for not realizing the depth of my omissions?
Should I care? Should anyone care? Shit.

 

by kaufman
9-15-02
But you of all people know with what level of seriousness such things on this site should be taken.
Yeah, but that assumes they don't reflect on real life.
Well, do they?
How in the world should I know? Why don't we just make some comics using the new characters?
Death uses his boy scout training to make a granny not.

 

by kaufman
9-15-02
Come on, already ...
Ring, Ring!
YES!!!

 

by kaufman
9-16-02
Hey Arnold, glad you could make it. It's going to be great. All of Austria will be coming. We'll have... HEY, where are you going?
I'll be back!
President Waldheim, It's an honor to have you here. My stripcreator buddies will be so jealous when they hear you came.
Let's get one thing straight. From now on, THIS is the party I'll deny having been a part of.
Hey, I knew a forumuser would show up. Come on in, DexX.
No, this is all a mistake. I shouldn't be here. I'm AustrALian!

 

by kaufman
9-16-02
At sub_m7's picturesque Alpine home ...
Nice to meet you, If you don't mind my asking, what happened to your eye and hand?
Living here is dangerous ... One day Klammer comes flying down, and slices off my hand and skewers the eye.
That's awful. Did you ever... LOOK OUT! HERE COMES HERMANN MAIER!
Uh, your hat's over there, and your patch is there, and your torso's behind you.
Thanks. I appreciate that.

 

by kaufman
9-17-02
Hey wirthling, have you seen Gabe?
Yeah, I think I saw him about an hour ago in the kitchen talking to one of the Lipizzaner stallions.
*sob*
Uh oh.

 

by kaufman
9-17-02
Hey, Ms. Dworkin! Glad you could make it.
You invited Andrea Dworkin here? Don't you know what a castrating bitch she is?
Aw, come on, she's not that bad.
Downstairs, five minutes later...
Vienna Boys' Choir, how can I help you?
Hello, can you tell me again what your finder's fee is?

 

by kaufman
9-17-02
A wiener is another term for hot dog.
In German, it means a resident of Vienna.
Vienna is the capital of Austria.
Anyone here know any losers from Austria?
And "eating" is slang for performing oral sex.
Eeeeewww! Manky_Ben is too gross for me. Even *I* draw the line at gooey biscuits.

 

by kaufman
9-17-02
How ya doing, Kajun?
What a party! Have you seen sub_m7's fruit spread? The pears are great, and the limes - I must have had a dozen - are to die for!
Anyway, I've got to go. There's an awards presentation in tribute to the year's best marijuana crops, and I have tickets!
Ok, see you around.
Any idea where Kajun went, Ken?
Yeah, I saw him earlier. He's gone from sub's limes to the weed accolades.

 

by kaufman
9-18-02
Hello Mistah Dinosaur!
Hello Mistah Soldier Man!
Oooh, is that tea you're drinking?
Yep! I'm having a tea party for my birthday! Do you want to join in? I have biscuits!
* Klaus??
My friend Barbie* will be coming too!
Son, don't you think you should stop playing with your "chat bots" and go out and mingle with your guests?

 

by kaufman
9-20-02
A reader asks, how come do stripcreator characters all have such old telephone equipment?
Ring, Ring!
Well, these phones may look retro, but they have modern conveniences, like speakerphone technology ... Hello?
Hello, could I please speak to Mr. or Mrs. Christ?
Not to mention cutting edge telemarketer deterrent features.
AIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!

 

by kaufman
9-21-02
Merry Christmas, Butch. You've been so good this year, Santa sent me to bring you these flowers.
Thank you! Thank you very much.
But I need somewhere to put them. Otherwise they'll die. I'd better trudge through the snow to the village shop ...
Excuse me, Miss, I very urgently need a vase.
Hmmm, I can see that. Take off your mask, and we'll see if we have one that fits you.

 

by kaufman
9-22-02
The Aftermath
So he didn't invite me. I'll still get my snacks, drinks, drugs and condoms ... Laat guest left an hour ago ... It's time to hide..
Don't notice me. Don't notice me ...
These people really made a mess. See if I invite them again.
SCROE!
*SLAM*

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
......... Les Miz would have been much
You're under arrest, Jean Val...
shorter if only the lead character had
Jean Valjean... Valjean Valjean, uh, Valjean ...
a less recursive name.
Valjean ValjeanValjeanVal... HEY!

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
I just got this disturbing mailing list message regarding SUVs.
... rented a Ford Explorer in New York a couple weeks ago. What a piece of CRAP! ...
Yesterday I rode down to play golf in my friend's Chevy Suburban Yukon, and it was like night and day...
Reply to list.
Christ, they now make one of those monsters so big you can play golf in it? MAKE IT STOP!

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
TO-bor wants to fill your ass!
GABE: The biggest geek for years!
KA-jun wants to smoke that grass
FUCK: The rappist with big ears.

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
RO-tor turbines will not work!
BOB: What he sings we don't know!
TI and biscuits while we jerk...
And that brings us back to TO....

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
Hey Leon, got any roofies I can buy?
Sho' thing, my man!
Sam, buy that lady a drink. And will you drop two of these in? Here's a fifty.
For fifty, you've got it, JC.
o/` Now here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know...
Did I really sleep with my clothes on? And why does my cervix feel like a carpenter's been pounding on it?

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
Sung to the Tune of John Cage's 4:33

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
In comic 2525, Donkey's barely alive. In space he must survive with cowboys.
Kill me now..
In comic 3535, Little girl is set afire By a robot red and mean, Horny and nasty is that machine.
Yes. I am Bonk. Master of the World. All young children shall give me head.
In comic 4545, Maura cheats on husbands, Clango on wives. He has found a better lover in the nozzle of an old Hoover...
I cheated on you with the vacuum cleaner.
Well I've got news for you...

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
In comic 5555, The army's forced into a backward drive. Private Ryan has taken a hit and the enemy's attention span is shit!
Ok troops, the enemy is currently distracted by Ryan.
In comic 6565, a fellow deals with rejection slip jive, With his employment hopes so dead, hammers a nail into his head.
Your submitted resume has been disgarded, set on fire, cut into pieces, and used to wipe the ass of our CEO.
In comic 7510, characters seem to have gone on strike again. One panel with anything, only three words. Many of these comics are simply turds ...
WHAZAAAAAAP?
AYE CARUMBA!

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
In comic 8510, a coherent word shows up every now and then. If you read on beyond panel two, You'll find out who all your base are belong to.
A/S/L?
AHHHHASDkljdhdskjdsffs!!!
In comic 9595, The Jesuses don't have very long to stay alive. Nailed to the crosses, they can't walk or dance. But those fellows can still wet their pants whoa-oa.
Ha ha, you pissed yerself!
Shit.
Now it's 90,000 strips. Drexle stands with hands on hips. Dinosaurs walk this earth. And caffeine, there is no dearth. But every single night, Newbies discover this site, It will be very soon...
...When donkeys again walk the moon ...

 

by kaufman
9-23-02
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in downtown Augusta. My Pinto was in the shop so I was in a rented Porsche, and it was overheating. So I pulled into an Exxon station
They said I'd blown a gasket. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the buffalo bar -- a real pit.
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Giants. I said, "Hi, Gus!" You have to yell, he's a bit deaf. Think I had a wet dream cruisin' throught the Gulf Stream, Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Wet dream!

 

by kaufman
9-24-02
Biscuit game. How'd my organ suddenly go lame? Now I am the object of such shame. Oh I detest the biscuit game.
Apparently I'm not half the man I thought I'd be. There's a soggy prize awaiting me. I'm impotent apparently.
Sigh, my thoughts wandered to baseball; that is to blame. I just went real soft. Now I've lost the biscuit game.
Biscuit game. Hopes of winning have gone down in flame. Every other person but me came. Oh I detest the biscuit game.

 

by kaufman
9-24-02
I'm a colossal geek, I am. Colossal geek I am, I am. My thread's now gone to page sixty and four, I've posted there 200 times or more!
And every post is a lengthening. I will not post a "Barbie" or a "Fight" (no Fight!) I'm a stripper geek, I'm colossal. Colossal geek, that's right!
Second verse, same as the first ... I'm a colossal geek I am...

 

by kaufman
9-24-02
When your mail is full of ugly spams, But one of them looks real nice.
I've got four million bucks for you. So help me out, don't think twice!
This is the conning of the man from Nigeria, man from Nigeria, Nigeria! NIGERIA!
Incredible wealth awaits you. Just let me in your bank account. I have megabucks forthcoming but I just need some help getting it out of Nigeria. NIGERIA!
Jesus now wants in. Jesus now wants in. He wants right in! Jesus now wants in. Jesus now wants in. He wants right in!
Jesus now wants in. Jesus now wants in. He wants right in!

 

by kaufman
9-24-02
No turbines.......... No turbines.......... No turbines........... No turbines.......... No turbines.......... No turbines.......... No turbines.......... No turbines..........
Ha, ha.
You know, if you play this backwards, it says, "Graviton, dead man."

 

by kaufman
9-25-02
This strip is just three frames long, This strip is just three frames long. This strip is just three frames long, This strip is just three frames long.
Couldn't think of good characters. So I just used the default characters. Nope, I'll just use any characters. Like this Asian child.
I wanna suck you. Whole lot of sucky-sucky. You give me five dollah, Joe, mm,... I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it right.
This strip is just three frames long, This strip is just three frames long. This strip is just three frames long, This strip is just three frames long.
I know that you're probably sore 'cause I didn't write any more, I just didn't get to complete it. So I Clone Panel and repeat it.
This strip is just three frames long (three frames long). This strip is just three frames long (three frames long).
Oh I win a lot of contests, I get a ton of high ratings, I'm put on plenty of faves lists, So I must write, child.
I've got to fill the comic, Three panels worth of comic, Oh how will I fill such space? I know, I'll set her on fire, on fire, on fire, on fire, on fire here!
AIIIIIIEEEE! Three frames long, This strip is just three frames long ...

 

by kaufman
9-26-02
After 10 months of intense voice training, the comeback tour begins.
Once upon a time my voice did shine. Every sung line you heard just fine...
Needn't noo?

 

by kaufman
9-26-02
Start spreading the dirt, I'm digging today. I'm gonna exhume my old friend. I knew Yorick, knew Yorick!
The poisoned ex-king is seeking revenge. Right through his melancholy son who knew Yorick, knew Yorick!
I'm gonna kill Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern, and off my bastard uncle, and his one lad, Hand me that sword, I smell a rat!
These heartthrobs of mine are floating away. I fear I've lost a lass alas. And Yorick, poor Yorick. And if the body count's 8, Not to be is my fate.
You'll return to Yorick, Yorick.

 

by kaufman
9-26-02
Looks like you found the right formula at last!
Almost. But I still need to refuel too often. Speaking of which, have you been feeding your cat chili again? Your shirt is a bit too ... visible.

 

by kaufman
9-27-02
I hoard oil, I fix prices. Manufacture fake crises. I ain't asking for much. Send your armies to Baghdad, I'm just looking for some Bush.
I cook books, Take a fat raise. Suck dry 4...01(k)s. I ain't asking for much. Take this small contribution, I'm just looking for some Bush.
Take me back into jail, Though making charges you do fail! I ain't asking for much. I don't need no due process, I'm just looking for some Bush.

 

by kaufman
9-27-02
Come on in.
Hold on. There's a gray void inside your door and a tornado in your window.
Yes, we're entering on the 27,219th floor here. The door leads to an express elevator down. Enter!
Ok.
Whoa, you weren't kidding about the express part.

 

by kaufman
9-27-02
It's stopping. Are we there?
Not nearly. 19,785th floor. Ladies' underwear and home appliances. Move aside. Doors opening.
Whoosh.
Oh drat. I wanted to be in an upbound.
Could one of you push 17,300 for me?

 

by kaufman
9-27-02
Dare I ask what's on the 17,300th floor?
Whitehouse. I've got to make an appearance in the Puppetmaster series.
Whoa.
Excuse me. Can you also use this elevator to get to Carnegie Ha...
Who let you on? GUARDS!

 

by kaufman
9-27-02
This is truly an amazing elevator. I can't believe all the fantastic places it goes. Where else does it stop?
Almost everywhere imaginable. It even stops at ...
Oh no, it's stopping at 12,345.
Why? What's the problem? What's on this floor?
The author's bedroom. He's going to sleep. To be continued.

 

by kaufman
9-28-02
You're just going to let him suck the dick of old Ferdinand at this gathering? That's abominable!
First of all, I don...
Did I do it? Did I drink a gallon?
Just lie down. You'll be ok ... Wait a minute. How did Russ know the bull was wired?

Showing page 22.

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