All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-07
Look, Beth, there's a kangaroo in your bush!
What a dick. If you want me to shave my pussy, just ask.

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-07
Hi, Gary. Going to check your mailbox?
Yes, actually, I was about to.
Don't bother. It's empty.

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-07
Wooooooooohoooooo! Take it off, baby!
Take 25% off!

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-07
Beg pardon, Doc, y'all got any of that Kentucky Jelly?
Sorry, I don't believe our store carries that brand.
My wife always buys it here. She puts it on her biscuit.
Maybe try the supermarket down the street?
Consarn it! Without that Kentucky Jelly, her biscuit is bone dry.
Oh....... you mean KY Jelly!

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-07
Jesus, you look great!
Thanks.
How was your vacation? What did you do?
Well, I went to a wedding party and changed the water into wine. Healed some lepers, walked on water, and even brought one guy back from the dead!
Same old shit, huh?
Pretty much.

 

by umfumdisi
5-19-07
Hmmmm, I need something to hold this stack of papers together. Aha, a paper clip!
What's this? Someone has joined my paper clips together into one long chain?
JUDAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now here's Conway Twitty's "Itty Bitty Titty Ditty."
by umfumdisi, 5-21-07

 

by umfumdisi
5-21-07
Have no fear - HIC! - Super Cook is here!
Damn it, John, I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for your whole fucking family. I need some help, and all you can do is get drunk!?!
Honey, I stuffed the turkey.
See? That's what happens when you don't keep your "willy" in your pants.

 

Look, I made a copy!
Look, I made a copy!
by umfumdisi, 5-21-07

 

Apparently, that's NOT how you get goat cheese.
by umfumdisi, 5-21-07

 

Mugged in front of the White House? The American Dream lives on!
by umfumdisi, 5-21-07

 

by umfumdisi
5-30-07
Let's ditch school and go have sex in your car.
Awesome idea, babe.
Shit, there's my Home Ec Teacher. Hide!
!
In the girls' bathroom...
Did I see a young man come in here?
Falsetto Voce.... No, Ma'am.

 

by umfumdisi
5-30-07
Okay, so this one time a few days after our Senior year ended, my buddy and I climbed up on top of our high school and drank a fifth of Bacardi in celebration of leaving that damned place.
Hey, isn't that Mr. Dullard's classroom down there?
You mean the one with the windows cranked open?
Yeah, let's piss on them!

 

by umfumdisi
5-30-07
Alone in the basement ... perfect place to call Dad.
Are You There, God? It's me, Jesus.

 

by umfumdisi
5-30-07
Welcome back to our internet broadcast of your favorite rock tunes.
Today's Lunch Clock Rock Block features "Jesus Just Left Chicago" by ZZ Top, "Jesus Is Just Alright" by the Doobie Brothers, and...
"Jesus Built My Hotrod" by Ministry. Enjoy your Rock Block, Hay-soos!
Damn it, they never get my name right.

 

by umfumdisi
6-01-07
Okay, I'm here to "critique" your bathroom redesign.
Thanks for coming. Give me your immedaite impression and don't pull any punches.
It looks exactly like you took a shit on the floor.
I knew I should have hired someone.

 

Ever find those Weapons of Mass Destruction?
I haven't looked in Iran ... yet.
by umfumdisi, 6-01-07

 
by umfumdisi, 6-01-07

 

by umfumdisi
6-01-07
Excuse me, do you have any spare change?
No, but I do have some spare barbecue sauce.
Sorry, I don't have any spare ribs.

 

by umfumdisi
6-01-07
How odd ... my copy says there will be a fatal accident on a nearly-deserted highway involving two news anchors.
That is odd. My copy says the accident will involve only one news anchor...

 

I thought I was the evil twin...
by umfumdisi, 6-01-07

 
by umfumdisi, 6-01-07

 

by umfumdisi
6-01-07
Can I have a sip of your drink?
It's urine.
Your'n, mine, I don't care. GULP Ahhhh, that's refreshing!
Yer gonna love the poo-poo platter.

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-07
I'm here to see my son, Jesus.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't need an appointment. I'm his father.
In order to see Jesus, you need an appointment.
Are you copping an attitude with me ... God?
Oh, God, I'm sorry ... I thought you were that schmuck, Joseph.

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-07
Can I help you (find a tailor), sir?
No, thank you, I'm just waiting to see my son, Jesus.
So you're the bastard who knocked up Mary?
POOF!
Great, I finally meet God, and it's the vengeful, unforgiving one.

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-07
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Don't worry, it only seemed like an eternity.
Jeez, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cloud.
POOF!
Not THIS again!
Some kids get a spanking; some get a crucifixion.

 

by umfumdisi
6-16-07
She knows he used to be D.B. Cooper?
She knows about his previous life directing midget bestiality porn?
Seriously, what does Maya Rudolph have on Lorne Michaels?

 

Get the fuck outta here!
by umfumdisi, 6-16-07

 

by umfumdisi
6-16-07
Whoa, Rob Halford. I used to love Judas Priest, man. I still can't believe you're gay.
Can't believe it? Are you even familiar with some of our titles?
Uh...
Breaking The Law ... Livin' After Midnight ... Pain and Pleasure ... Ram It Down ... Turbo Lover ... Hard As Iron ... Eat Me Alive ...
Okay, I get it... really... please stop now.
Island Of Domination ... You've Got Another Thing Comin' ... Point of Entry ... One Shot At Glory ...

 

by umfumdisi
6-16-07
Look, I was all for the faith-based initiatives and the compassionate conservative approach.
However, I can no longer abide the unholy war into which you've sunk billions of dollars and upon which you've wasted thousands of lives.
You're on your own now. Good luck.
Who the hell was that?

 

by umfumdisi
6-16-07
Mommy! Mommy! There's a monster in my room!
Ungh, okay. I'll go check.
Holy Shit!
Do you do oral?

 

Wow, you're the mystical magical Bacon Fairy!
I'M GAY!!!???
by umfumdisi, 6-18-07

 

by umfumdisi
6-18-07
...plus, it's not really in my job description. I feel like you guys take advantage of me sometimes.
Sorry, JC, but it would really help us out. The copy repair man couldn't be here until Monday.
I command the foul demons within this machine to --
BOO!
Not even funny, Holy Ghost.

 

by umfumdisi
6-18-07
Well?
Yeah, that's fine.
Actually, you might look better on the other side of the room.
I'm still not feeling it.
I AM.

 

by umfumdisi
6-18-07
Nice package.
I know!

 

by umfumdisi
6-18-07
DING!
Am I still President? Yeah? Oh, goody!
DING!

 

by umfumdisi
6-18-07
You got it?
I've got it.
Shit, hurry!
I'm coming.
Got it!
Nice work.

 

by umfumdisi
6-23-07
This is our accounting department ...
... research and developent ...
Does this shit happen everywhere you go?

 

Take me to your litre.
by umfumdisi, 6-23-07

 

by umfumdisi
6-24-07
Frogger! I used to love Frogger!
And there's Galaga! I 0wned Galaga!
A quarter changer! I used those all the time!!

 

by umfumdisi
6-24-07
Cody was supposed to pick me up at 5:30.
You must die tonight, Cody, for you have stolen my girl, and IT WILL NOT STAND!
I hope he didn't wreck his Corvette.
Yes, offer me riches. Offer your precious Corvette. Nothing will satiate my hunger for revenge!
Because if he wrecked his Corvette, I'll have to break up with him.
"Slake my thirst for revenge?" You're right, that does sound better.

 

by umfumdisi
6-24-07
Daddy? Why are looking over here, Daddy?
I don't see anything over here, Daddy.
The horribly butchered remains are in the other room, Daddy. Daddy?

 

by umfumdisi
6-24-07
Can I help you?
Just want to let you know your bathrooms here are filthy.
Thanks!

 

by umfumdisi
6-27-07
I can't believe I'm in her bedroom. What now?
So, how do you usually decide who gets to be on top?
Potatoes!
Kinky.

 

by umfumdisi
7-07-07
Mr. Christ, your 2:30 is here.
I don't remember having a 2:30 appointment.
What the...?
Which one of you jackoffs sent me a crucifixi-o-gram?
Happy Easter!

 

by umfumdisi
7-07-07
I can't find the mayonnaise.
Did you look up your ass?
You know me too well.

 

by umfumdisi
7-07-07
What a reaction! Don't act like it's the end of the world.
But ... you asked me if I "had a tampon."

 

by umfumdisi
7-08-07
Thanks for picking me up.
Luckily for you, I used to be a bus driver.

 

by umfumdisi
7-08-07
So I says to her, "Myrtle, them highlights ain't gonna generate boyfriends by themselves!"
HA, HA!
Could you give me a perm?

 

by umfumdisi
7-08-07
AS SAID MORE

..... RECENTLY .....

SEWING CIRCLES,

TOGETHER IN ANY
Panel 1: Fold after the "S" in SAID. Panel Three: Fold before the "I" in IN.
Who the ho, ho, hell are you talking to?
OR EVEN LESS ...

BY THOSE IN DEER

"LETS JOIN .........

OL' WEATHER!"

Showing page 24.

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