All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
4-13-08
We'll now take questions.
Can you comment on the fact that the Mayor himself not only ate the sandwich in question, but actually remarked it was "good as hell?"
The sandwich was digested professionally during a certain period of time. It was a business decision and not based on emotion or spite. Next question.
Are translations of your answers going to made available to us later?

 

by Ranger77
4-14-08
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is under fire again, this time for lying about a ham sandwich he ate that was sent to him by an outspoken critic.
Evidence that he actually ate the sandwich was discovered in recent text messages sent to an unidentified woman via yet another SkyTel pager.
If true this would seem to contradict the Mayor's previous comments that he would never eat sandwiches made from so-called 'racist bread' like ciabatta.
An excerpt of the message reads: "That sammich was as good as the time I did you in the butt in Atlanta." The Georgia Chamber of Commerce had no comment....
He's got....issues.
No shit.

 

by Ranger77
4-19-08
I sometimes think that if those who use race to hide their criminal activities lived in Africa, they wouldn't be use that 'card' as a crutch.
Maybe they would see how they are so out of touch with their ancestors due to slavery and socialization that they would feel reverence. Maybe a bit guilty.
Of course, at that point I just say "Fuck it," and play video games.
As you should. Now check it out....Dragon's Lair II, Galaga, HyperArms and GunBird!! Retro-game on, meat!

 

by Ranger77
4-20-08
Yeah, this is cool....but think about it. In these days of Playstation and Xbox, are there really arcades anymore outside of Japan or a Chuckie Cheese?
This fact could prove that we are truly a part of some alternate reality. Or a nostalgic daydream of a dubious creative mind.
Too much thinking. Kill something.
Right. Dude, have you noticed how HOT these Tekken chicks are???

 

by Ranger77
5-11-08
So....what do you think?
A total immersion artificial reality environment set in a present day African villiage. Sort of Trek meets Bono. Curious....
Yeah. I created it to appease some of my critics that say I'm not "black" enough.
I admire your objectivity. I have to say you made a good attempt to bypass your cynicism.
Attempt? Ok....I admit putting a McDonalds over there is a bit snarky.
Well yeah....that and the warlords and rebels eating Happy Meals next to their Chinese AK-47 knockoffs. It's a bit much....

 

by Ranger77
5-11-08
There is a problem with this whole virtual environment thing. B said the comic can't support it long term.
So what does that mean?
Well....I have to turn all this into a revenue generating activity.
Well I guess there's nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't become yet another Korean MMORPG or something....
Heh.
Dude. Seriously....

 

by Ranger77
5-14-08
You'll have to explain this to me.
Well, the Kid created a virtual environment of an African village for diversity education and is now selling it to the Koreans for online gaming.
His cynicism has reached new heights.
Yep. He's meeting with one of the Korean online gaming business dev team members now....
Um...hi.
STARCRAFT be praised! May your Zerg always multiply. Now where's this shit you have to show me?

 

by Ranger77
5-16-08
So I was thinking this would be a resource gathering thing like that Civ game and...
Yeay, yeah Chief. Resource gathering. Like harvesters with big cannons and Marines and shit. We got that.
Actually there is no violence in this. Just survival and lessons on history, culture and the human condition..
No fighting? You're smoking something, Chief. Next you'll tell me that each game lasts longer than a couple minutes.
Actually...
So this game is only to be sold in Latvia or some shit like that, huh?

 

by Ranger77
5-21-08
So you're telling me that the only thing that sells are games based on twitchy speed and killing off other players.
That's right, Chief. Social interaction. People skills. All positive things.
You learn people skills from Starcraft?
Only if the fanboy sitting next to you at a Lan Party who smells like armpit, Fritos and feet is sitting next to a cooler full of Red Bull and Mountain Dew.

 

by Ranger77
7-09-08
Okay so tell me why the Koreans are so enamoured by Starcraft?? I mean it was ok....
Ok? OK??!! Let me tell you something you pigdog!! STARCRAFT is the ULTIMATE.....
***REBUFFERING***
Hiatus?
What do YOU think?

 

by Ranger77
8-03-08
Can someone get the lights, please?? Geez where do you think we are, the Hamptons?

 

by Ranger77
8-09-08
(Actually, many people don't realize that even though the comic is on hiatus, it's still actually running. Watch....)
....shaven. And here I was with six tubes of KY jelly, a box of graham crackers and a video camera. Come on....what was I suppose to do, like, given the situation.
Well that IS pretty tough. Good thing they were all tied up...
(Oops! Maybe that wasn't a good idea.)

 

by Ranger77
10-24-08
Funny....I feel a sense of regret. Standing here in the Ranger's World offices while everyone is on hiatus...
....I feel strangely reverent. Like I am on holy ground. The voices, the laughter....now gone. This place should be treated with honor.
*CLICK*
What are you doing standing here in the dark? Are you going to fuck me or what?
*sigh* Yes....over there on the lunch table....

 

by Ranger77
11-05-08
Meanwhile...
This is a historic day....one that will be remembered for a long time. I'm very proud of the residents of my state. I voted. I made a difference.
And now people will be free to use marijuana for medicinal purposes. It was a long time coming.
I also heard some black guy got elected President. I guess that's kinda cool too....

 

by Ranger77
12-26-08
Hi. I'm Mark. I represent the Republican National Committee. Now that Ranger's World is on hiatus, we thought you might be interested in working for us!
Your unique worldview would be an asset to our organization. Think about it....being actually involved in the greatest comeback story ever told! With Sarah Palin as our anchor we....
Um....do you realize you haven't blinked since I began speaking.
Sorry. It's a side effect of holding back hysterical laughter. Please continue....

 

by Ranger77
12-28-08
We are rebuilding our "brand." We want to show that we are an all inclusive party.
Ok....but I still don't know why you're coming to me. Surely I'm not the first African American you've contacted.
No....actually you're #1,446.
Although you are after Nick Cannon, being before Chris Tucker CAN be considered quite an achievement....
Tell me where I rank against Al Roker and maybe we can talk.

 

by Ranger77
12-28-08
You have to concede that we've come a long way. Take Sarah Palin for example. She will be the anchor of the party. We will rally around her and take back the White House.
Wheeee! Abba dabba. FOO!
Sorry, you must forgive me. You see, I've been smoking crack.
Kinda figured that out a few minutes ago....

 

by Ranger77
12-31-08
Look....I know this would be a major change with you. Tell you what....check out our message boards.
After reading the responses of intelligent GOP supporters you might change your mind about Sarah Palin....
So let me guess the conservative forums are crap, right?
Unless you count "I'd hit that" and "schwing" as articulate political discourse....yeah.

 

by Ranger77
1-05-09
Sorry dude I just can't do it. Do you REALLY want to base the future of your party around Sarah Palin? Other than MILF fantasies there's not much there.
*sigh* Yeah. I know. This sucks. I can't believe we've hit this new low.
Careful now. I hear the GOP has been taking out party traitors with satellite mounted death rays.
Yeah. Really funny. I deserve that joke. Maybe we all do. Damn we suck. If only we would....
***BZZZATTT!!***
It always amazes me that people think I'm capable of "joking."
Ow.

 

by Ranger77
1-09-09
Governor Palin, I do appreciate the call, but I can't be a Republican, just like I can't be a Democrat. I find both parties flawed. I'm an Independent. A free thinker.
I'm sorry, hun. I have NO idea what you are talking about.
I have a problem with the dedication to an ideology. I have some views that you would call conservative and some progressive or liberal. Most people are like that. You folks hate that.
Now listen here 'Mister Man', if you want to talk to me about politics you need to actually make sense. I have no idea what you are saying.
*sigh* I'd bang you. Show me your titties.
Now we're talking! You sure you aren't a Republican, hun?

 

by Ranger77
1-09-09
Excuse me I just heard what you said to Sarah Palin and I just wanted to thank you, my brother, for not being a pawn.
Um....thanks. I guess.
It's bullshit, man. Coming after you like that to be their "House Negro". It's the classic setup of getting the black man to get the white folks out of a jam. Disgraceful.
Yeah. Whatever, dude.
So anyway that's why we would like you to support the Senate seating of Roland Burris! You see with your endorsement we....
And this is EXACTLY why I SHOULD have the power to call in an airstrike....anytime, anywhere.

 

by Ranger77
1-09-09
So this guy totally didn't see the irony between the whole Burris/Blagojevich thing and you not being a tool for the GOP?
No. He got pissed when I turned down attending a fundraiser for Burris with Kayne West and that strange sleepy looking chick from "I Love New York."
Did you call in an airstrike?
Don't tease me.

 

by Ranger77
5-11-09
The comic is still set to "Private." But we can just take a peek...
It's a versiltile martial arts form that combines many styles. I think it will be a hit!
Joachim, getting anyone to pay for classes in "Swine Fu," right now, is not the best move we could....
Um...Yeah. We'll check back in a month or so.

 

by Ranger77
7-02-09
Meanwhile....
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you were dancing to 'Thriller".....
Yes. I'm in mourning. A great human being has died.
So you have always been a Michael Jackson fan?
Well no...I thought he was a strange pale pedophile actually last month. But when he died....I realized his greatness.
So, um, you don't think the media had anything to do with that? I'm mean with all the coverage....
Hell no! Our nation's heroes are dying! I must mourn....and buy a couple of cases of OxyClean.

 

by Ranger77
7-02-09
I'm sorry I'm not convinced that touching Micheal Jackson's glove will cure your chronic masturbation problem.
It must be easy to have a heart so cold.

 

by Ranger77
7-03-09
Look....you can believe what you want to believe. This is America, right?
I'm SO glad you said that. I know my feelings about MJ can be considered radical but as a citizen it's my right to....*ACK*
Nice shot.
It was that "citizen" sized head. Piece of cake.....

 

by Ranger77
7-05-09
So during the hiatus you've been helping track down escaped mental patients.
Yeah. It pays well. It's kind of hard to tell the difference between them and 'normal' people sometimes.
The BBC is reporting over a million people signed up to get tickets to MJ's funeral.
I don't think we have enough tranquilizer darts.
Yeah. I know. Sucks.

 

by Ranger77
7-11-09
I've been thinking about it and I think you going after weirdos and having them shot with tranquilizer darts is wrong.
Maybe, but I'd like to think that I'm doing the general public a service.
Look, I know since Ranger's World went on hiatus everyone is doing their own thing but right is right and.....
It pays $55 an hour and you get a gun and a license to kill if necessary.
Would you respect me if I just stopped on this morality bullshit and signed up with you because I want a Kindle.
Not right away. But in time....yes, in time.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-09
Meanwhile across town....
Heh.
Obama supports the euthanasia of Andy Griffith.
WHAAAT?! OHMYSWEETLORD!
The power of one. The gullability of sheep.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-09
Please tell me it's not true.
Afraid so. Somehow someone spread an internet rumor that Obama's Health Care Plan has a specific intent to kill Andy Griffith.
*sigh* Where's the proof?
That's the strange thing. There is none. They claim that if Obama's Health Care plan passes it's a slippery slope: Andy will die and Seniors will have to eat dog food. And die.
Should I start screaming now?
Not until you read Bill O'Reilly's SAVE ANDY Community Action Plan....

 

by Ranger77
9-07-09
Micheal Vick killed dogs. Barack Obama wants you to become a socialist, take your money, eat dog food and die. And he wants to kill Andy Griffith and unborn babies.
Speak out and no babies will die, you can eat steak and you won't die. Nor will Andy.
This message was paid for by the Foundation of Unified Dissent (F.U.D)!
At least that Micheal Vick had a 'MERICAN birth certificate when he was fightin' them dawgs.

 

by Ranger77
9-07-09
I, Eurasmus B. Draggin, a member of the silent majority, decided that I was not going to be silent anymore. So...
Why are you socialist bastards trying to kill Andy Griffith with your health care scheme?!
Sir, I'm not sure I know what you're talking....
You want to kill babies, control corporations, indoctrinate our children and DESTROY Mayberry! Have you no shame?!
Um....sir I don't think Mayberry exists!
Is there no limit to your godless ways?? I want my country back. I WANT MY MATLOCK!!

 

by Ranger77
9-08-09
....So we here at the Democratic Party would like your help to identify who started these lies about Andy Griffith death squads. You will be of course paid.
Ok. Shouldn't be that hard.
I mean after all we don't want to control lives. We can guarantee that a government run health care program will not be ineffcient and laden in bureaucracy. WE want to....
You've tuned me out haven't you?
Yes, as a safety measure. When the hell did they start calling this channel "Syfy?"

 

by Ranger77
9-10-09
Steve, I understand you are troubled.
I've been a Republican all my life, but I'm not comfortable with the direction the party has taken. We have no real leadership. No ideas. Where is our voice??
I see. Please explain.
Well all the insults, the drama; we're rallying around Rush Limbaugh for God's sake! We need to debate the issues. I guess I just don't see....
....and then two guys jumped me. I woke up three days later, naked in a hotel in Gary, Indiana.
They let you off easy....

 

by Ranger77
9-11-09
I think I figured it out.
Ok....
Think about it. Who would get the biggest gain by going after the President's Health Care Plan and saying it included death squads to kill actor Andy Griffith?
I don't know....the GOP?
No bigger. Think about it. Established sitcom actor with an older demographic. Fear of losing health coverage....
Oh. My God. TV LAND! Viacom! Dude this IS big.....

 

by Ranger77
9-13-09
Thanks for meeting with me ma'am.
It's okay son. I ain't no racist. I got alot of colored friends. I just don't like socialists who want to kill a fine man like Andy Griffith.
That's what I want to ask you about. Who told you that Obama's Health Plan has a provision to kill Mr. Griffith.
I don't know who he was. He was an older white gentleman: stocky, balding with grey hair.
And you just chose to believe this guy without knowing who he was?
Stocky, white, balding men have been running this country for years unlike our socialist muslim President who wants to kill Andy and little babies....

 

by Ranger77
9-13-09
The investigation continues....
Representative Wilson, thanks for talking with me.
My pleasure. I welcome this chance to explain my position through rational and focused dialogue. Before we start, are you African American?
Well yes, but I don't see how....
YOU LIE!!!!
Are you done?
Yep. Just had to get that out of the way....

 

by Ranger77
9-14-09
Congressman Wilson, some folks think that this fear campaign that the Republicans are staging is an act of desperation to hide the fact that their party is in disarray.
Look, everyone should fear socialsm and that's what we have with this President. Government is growing and spendng is out of control.
I actually agree with some of that. But our last President engaged in reckless spending for a war based on false pretenses. He ran and governed on fear and look where it got us.
That was then. This is now. These aren't right wing wackos who are scared and speaking out at town halls and tea parties despite what the media says. This fear is based on FACT.
I don't know. Some of the tone and rhetoric....
Besides if this health care thing passes, it won't be long before you start seeing black helicopters patrolling the skies full of illegal immigrant ninjas trained personally by Rahm Emanuel.

 

by Ranger77
9-14-09
The Obama Administration is on the defensive after reports that certain parts of the proposed healthcare plan included provisions to kill actor Andy Griffith.
The GOP wasted no time in taking advantage of the firestorm that has energized their party. Channel 3's Peter Weecha sought to get a comment from Griffith himself earlier today.
Mr. Griffith, how do you feel about ...
Y'ALL GET OFF MY LAWN!! I've got a pellet gun and I'm not afraid to use it!!

 

by Ranger77
9-16-09
I tracked you down. Wasn't easy. You started it. Financed by Heath Care lobbyists, TV LAND and the GOP. I won't ask you why. It's kinda obvious.
This is a game kid. Fear is the great equalizer. Don't be naive. If you've got a weapon you use it. Facts don't matter.
Of course you realize, Andy Griffith actually campaigned for Obama. He made a video with Ron Howard. I'm thinking he's a Democrat and a liberal. Ironic, I guess.
I'm feeling like tacos for dinner I think. Yeah, tacos sound good....
Shit!Shit!Shit!

 

by Ranger77
9-16-09
So let me get this straight. You orchestrated our whole comback campaign around the protection of a liberal.
Well...um, we could spin it. We could say it just shows how the Republican party stands for all Americans.
After all we crticize Obama for not being bipartisan, right? Ah....W-we can say we're working for the country and not are own interests. Um....Heh.
Don't tell me, let me guess. Someone jumped you and you woke up tied up and naked in a hotel in Gary, Indiana.
Well, actually it was Algonac, Michigan and they kind of dumped me behind a Dairy Queen.

 

by Ranger77
1-06-10
Somewhere in Pakistan...
Hello.
I know this looks strange, but I can assure you I'm supposed to be here.
So, how's it goin'?
Guys....the Great Satan is at it again....

 

by Ranger77
1-07-10
I come in the spirit of strategic peace.
You are trying to cloud my mind with evil and heresy.
That's not true. Come on....talk to me.
You are an agent of the Great Satan that is America. I refuse to acknowledge you.
Actually my name is Sparky.
Dammit Abdallah, I told you that cow shit we were smoking last night wasn't right.

 

by Ranger77
1-07-10
My name is Sparky and I come in strategic peace.
You said that. What do you want? To convert us with your evil secular ways??
Can't you see that your corporate ways and your "democracy" goes against the will of Allah!
I like bacon.
If I wasn't on suicide watch, I would so kick your ass.

 

by Ranger77
1-07-10
You're on....suicide watch?
I want to give my life for Jihad but whenever I think of my virgins in the afterlife I have a high risk of premature detonation. I like....virgins.
In large quantities.
My name is Sparky!
I am so alone here....

 

by Ranger77
1-08-10
Come on, be my friend. I come in strategic peace.
*sigh* Why?? Why should I befriend you?! And what does that mean anyway? "Strategic Peace."
Well, you know how UAVs are essentially just big expensive remote control toys that kill? Cute simple toys like, say, a beach ball, are much more economical.
Now, robot dogs and the massive explosives that are actually in the beach balls are kinda pricey but sometimes you have to spend a buck, y'know? My name is Sparky, by the way....

 

by Ranger77
1-08-10
That whole "strategic peace" thing was wordplay. It's kinda clever actually: I'm here are part of a 'strategy' to blow you to 'pieces'. Get it?
The 'virgins' thing is bullshit too. I mean really....

 

by Ranger77
1-08-10
Just in case you forgot....my name is Sparky.

 

by Ranger77
1-15-10
Um...hey.
*sigh* Here we go. Why do you guys bug me so much?? I'm not a Republican.
But you're not a Democrat or any of those Tea Party insurgents either. We need a small favor. We'll pay!
Ok, ok...what's the job?
We just need you to go inside Pat Robertson's brain and find out what the fuck is going on there.
Ah....

 

by Ranger77
1-16-10
....so they think Pat Roberston is destroying an already scattered GOP and it's due to a nanomachine that's making him say fucked up things.
The theory is that the implant was done covertly by the liberal media sometime in 1995 and designed to lowered credibility in the Religious Right.
And they want you to go into his brain and destroy this alleged "implant".
Yep.
Why didn't they just ask you to go into Rush Limbaugh's brain too?
No implant. Rush is just an asshole. Everyone knows that.

Showing page 25.

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