All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

Hey Gary. Would you like some breakfast?
No thanks. I had a banana milkshake.
Milkshake? You're a cannibal. What gives?
The CDC said I had to give up handshakes.

 

You've got your green pants on!
I always have my green pants on. Why are you making a big deal about it?
It's Saint Patrick's Day! If someone sees you not wearing green, they get to pinch you.
Who's gonna see me? The schools are closed, restaurants are doing drive through only, and no one can be together in groups larger than ten.
You suck the fun out of everything. I'm going to go drink alone.
Now that's the way to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day!

 

Can I help you?
Just taking the 2020 census, sir.
Uh...
Shouldn't you wait until after the pandemic to take that?

 

Hey, Grams.
How are things with the corona virus?
My son's girlfriend was over when they ordered the city wide shutdown and now we're stuck with her for thirty days.
A city wide shutdown does not mean you can't leave to take her back home.
I'm not telling them that. I'd lose those moments to yell "SOCIAL DISTANCING!" when they get too close to each other and spray his eyes with Lysol as a reminder!

 

I can sense that you're staring at my ass. Do you think this makes me creeped out or turned on?
Given that your sphincter just tightened up...
I'm gonna say both.

 

This new coffee maker Gary gave me must be busted.
It seem to be filled with only creamer.
I'm Gary's sexbot you idiot.

 

He's right in here. Can you disinfect him?
You want me to disinfect your husband?
Just his penis.
His penis?
I think his penis has caught corona virus.
Watching Asian porn and having your dick throw up, does not mean what you think it means.

 

Hey man. We're doing a remodel of the bathroom and the water's off. Can I use your john?
Sure.
Hey! Where is all the toilet paper gone?

 

Hey, Linda Tripp, the whistle blower of the Clinton scandals, died.
Linda Tripp?
Yep.
I though Monica Lewinskiy was the whistle blower.
No, she was the penis blower.

 

For the last time, I'm not Anne Hathaway and you're married.
I know. But Anne Hathaway is my hall pass and you look so much like her that my wife will never know, so it really would not be cheating if she's okay with it.
For the last time, I'm not Gwyneth Paltrow!

 

Why won't this computer work? What is the issue?!
Ugh! You stupid pile of garbage!
Huh. You used to greet me with "Hey, sweetie", but I see things are different now.

 

Come on Richie, There's really no need to be that upset.
Erectile dysfunction happens to a lot of men your age.
Yeah, but it's personal. There was no need to put that story in the news.
That's not what the papers meant when they reported that Little Richard had died.

 

Ah, Jerry. You will be missed.
You filled your roles on Seinfeld and King of Queens with so much life. In fact, looking at you now,
I don't think you've ever been stiller.

 

Hey! You're a ninja!
No. I'm not a ninja.
You're wearing a face mask indoors. You must be a store employee!
Nope. I don't work here.
You're wearing a face mask indoors. You're not a ninja or a store employee, so that means you must be...
A Biden supporter.

 

Hey Rags, we are having spaghetti tonight and ironically enough we have no Ragu for you.
It can't be my turn to go to the store. Besides, we have no face masks and Deb won't make any.
Trump said you could use anything to cover your mouth.
I'll see what I can find.
You think these bed sheets will work?
Oh the guys at Kroger are gonna have a heyday with this!

 

Why are you buying all the toilet paper?
Jake's gonna force me to stay in my house.
Why are you wearing a face mask in the office?
I heard Jake was contagious.
Why are all the old people dying?
Jake killed them.

 

Honey! We gotta go!
I know you're going through some self esteem issues, but we're gonna be late!
Does this outfit make me look middle-aged?

 

_____________________________________
I saw this woman with her tits out! I then lost control and crashed over there!
________________________________________
He was driving with his lights off so I flashed him my high beams!

 

So then she was like, "I don't even care!" Did you hear what I said?
Sorry. I stopped listening.
What is the last thing you heard before you stopped listening?
"I do."

 

You did what?
I saw this chalkboard in the hallway and I wrote on it.
And?
And now they want to make me the university President.
Only a smart ass like you would be able to solve that equation.

 

Don't go in there! Van Helsing is in there!
What? That son of a bitch! Drac lives matter!
by four_legged_tripod, 6-22-20

 

East Lawn Palms Mortuary. Yes. We do custom caskets.
You want nipples on the casket? Is this for a stripper? A sex addict?
Oh! Joel Schumacher! Say no more.

 

________________________________________________________________________________
It's great to see people social distancing like this!
I'm not. I just really hate you.
by four_legged_tripod, 6-24-20

 

Hello, Amazon.
What are we gonna buy today?
To continue, click here if you are not a robot.
Well, fuck.

 

...Oh. The $47.50 is for a new wrench! I lost the old one somewhere in your engine!!
Here's my bill for $47.50. It's for a new shoe.
I'm about to lose my old one in your ass!!

 

Is she gone?
She is.
Really gone?
Yes, John. Kelly is really really gone.
Mr. Travolta! Another massage?
Yep! And no need to be discrete this time!

 

Where have you been?
On vacation.
So you haven't heard the news?
No. What news?
Guess who died?
I don't know. Can I phone a friend?

 

Hey, bud. I know you were excited to start school to see your friends, but the school board just decided that all high schoolers would be doing remote learning this year.
That's okay. I'm going to go to my room to prepare.
Well, that went much better than I thought it would.
I'm not sure it went as well as you think.
Hey! Staring at the TV with a remote in your hand is not what remote learning means!

 

So, what did you have in mind for our little sneaky link?
I wanna pinch your nipples.
Okay.
You're gonna need to take off your bra.
If I take off my bra, you're gonna need to lower your hands.

 

Dude, I'm so sorry.
'Bout what?
Chadwick Boseman died.
What? Which white cop shot him?
Wasn't that. It was cancer.
Well, Wakanda shit is that?

 

D.E.A.! Open up! This is a raid!
Shit! I gotta get outta here!
The D.E.A.? What's we gonna do?
Quick! To the sewers!
What the hell we doin' down here?
Waitin' for that dumbass to flush his stash so we can party like rock stars!

 

Where the hell have you been?
Fixin' 2020.
The world does seem better. How the hell'd you do it?
Flex tape.
What?
Applied to everyone's pie hole!

 

What are you listening to?
Alanis Morissette's "Ironic".
Oh, you mean like how the actor playing Batman got COVID which started from a bat?
I think someone may have already made that joke. Have you read the comics on Stripcreator to make sure you're not stealing that joke?
Who the fuck reads any of the comics on Stripcreator?

 

I'm here with former vice president Al Gore. Mr. Gore, I hear you are making another documentary.
Yep. It's called "Yet Another Inconvenient Truth".
A third movie about global warming? Isn't that too many?
It's not that at all.
This one's about how Ruth Bader Ginsberg died while Trump is still in office.

 

I got the kids Fitbits to track their steps.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. And they're doing great.
You know, you don't have to actually take steps. If you just move your arm up and down, it counts it as a step.
I wondered how Conner was getting 16,000 steps every time he locked himself in the bathroom.

 

Hunter walked in and saw her there with her box exposed.
"My God, you know how to turn me on!" she said. "I know. Now, blow me."
What are you writing?
Fan fiction.

 

Hey, Eddie. Wanna go for a run?
by four_legged_tripod, 10-06-20

 

You going to Abby's later?
Nah. She's pissed at me.
I brought up one of her dead relatives and she didn't like it.
Dammit uncle Frank. Why won't you fucking die again already?!

 

Yes sir, officer.
Yes sir, officer.
Yes sir, officer.
Yes sir, officer.
Yes sir, officer.
Yes sir, officer.

 

Who's on the slab?
Sean Connery.
Has rigor mortis set in?
Yep.
So he's...
"Rock" hard?

 

I'm looking for a sporty car.
We just got in a brand new Trans Am this morning.
AAAAAHHHGH!!
Huh.
What's wrong with her?
Must be transphobic.

 

I'll take "Dead People" for 500.
That's a video daily double.
I'll wager $1000.
Let's see the video. Hey! Is that supposed to be me?
Yes, it is Alex. And thank you for answering in the form of a question .

 

How did your performance review go at work?
Not great.
How come?
The boss gave me a "Get Better Soon" card.

 

Harvey! I hear you're running a fever.
Yep. They won't say if it's corona or not though.
If it is, COVID 19, how do you think you got it?
Come on Monkey, you know I flirt with anything 19.

 

You're eating again? You're just a fat lazy slob. My mother was right. You're never gonna take care and look after me.
Au contraire. I'm protecting you from COVID.
How's that?
Testing can take a week to get results back. 98% of people with COVID lose their sense of taste. So I keep eating, and if I lose my sense of taste we will know!
You brilliant bastard!
Now shut up and make me another sandwich!

 

Hmmm... You're right!! There IS dried egg on this fork!!... I'm gonna have to charge you extra for that!!
That's okay. But first I'm gonna need a refund...
For the dump I left in your bathroom!!

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in an 80 year old body.
How do you get yourself out of that?
I find that, with a little more lube,
I can slide myself out of grandma.

 

We need to talk. Every one of your students are passing your class.
Is that a problem?
With COVID, and everyone online, most students are struggling and a lot are failing.
Well, after all the events of 2020,
I no longer give an F.

 

Got another letter for ya.
Ya know, you only seem to get mail once a year.
Yeah.
Fuckin' dyslexic kids.

 

...and the horse you rode in on!
You heard the lady!

Showing page 25.

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