All comics by christopher7murphy

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...after insertion, seperate the inner membrane gently and proceed to the inner chamber.
The subject may experience a jolt followed by a series of convulsions.
...And guys, with a little practice, I guarantee this will drive your lady to orgasm.
Oh, shit! Wrong channel!

 

I am the Book Store Fairy. And I will grant each of you one wish. What will it be?
I want to retire and move to Jamaica.
And you?
I wish she could see what I could do to this store if she's gone.
Damn you.

 

Darn you! We were granted our heart's desire...and you went and wished me out of retirement!
I wanted you to see what I was capable of.
Just where are we anyway?
I wanted to be the best Book Store in the universe.
Why are you a penguin?
I also wanted to be cute.

 

O Harvey my Harvey! Your giggle dog-gone;
Your twitter a muffle as the joke rips on.
Milk out my nose, knocked out of my shoes. This dum-dum thinks the Greatest Gazoo.
gesundheit
Your Saddles are Blazing like a great Brooks Star; Portraying the vile and disgusting..
That's HEDLEY, Lamarr!

 

Stuck on the planet Book Store with my faithful but sarcastic penguin.
They have every book ever written here!
His mis-spent wish stranding us millions of miles from home.
Look, it's Harry Potter and the Kama Sutra! Volume twelve!
Nerd or pervert. You decide.
It's even in Klingon!

 

I need a copy of Pierce Anthony, a copy of Grant Naylor, a copy of Peter David, a copy of Robert Asprin, a copy of Barbara Walters....
Wait!
I only have two hands!
You're an Earthling, aintcha?

 

Oh, dear lord!
Hey, someone pooped in the middle of Planet Book Store.
Can you believe the nerve of some people?
I'll take care of it.
Hey, I think it's a customer!
Sure are some funny lookin' store clerks in here.

 

Let's see...where could it be? (Why are they always moving things--sheesh!)
I'll have a clerk over to assist you right away.
My manager asked me to help you.
Oh my gawd! It talks!
Yea, she does that a lot.

 

Three days without Stripcreator! I'll try to behave...please let me back!
My children, you must STOP touching yourselves!
Sir, the warnings were spread across the Stripcreator flock...
Yet they still don't heed my word.They just won't stop touching themselves.
Should we blow up the computer servers again?
Quick, before the chair humping begins again.

 

I need a book with A THIRD GRADE LEVEL-THIRD GRADE LEVEL.
Sure. Let's go to the children's section.
You're not listenimg. A THIRD GRADE LEVEL-THIRD GRADE LEVEL.
um...uh. Do you mean for adults with a third grade reading capability?
Nooooo! A THIRD GRADE LEVEL-THIRD GRADE LEVEL.
Nuts. You ruined a great buzz, man!

 

Do you have any magic books?
I'll check.
Nope.

 

I had a dream that the Book Store was lost in space and you were a penguin.
Interesting. Because according to my "Dreamer's Dictionary," by Ima Jess Dozin...
Being lost in space means you have lost your direction in life and need to concentrate on regaining your future goals.
Then, what does dreaming you're a penguin mean?
It means you think I'm a piece of man candy!

 

For a low, low price, the Magic Bullet Blender can be the biggest help in your kitchen!
Look at this: Two hard boiled egs. A squirt of mayo, and one pearl onion...and PRESTO! Egg salad!
Next, toss in a few chunks of mellon, a couple berries and a bit of ice...and "bob's your uncle," Frozen cocktail, anyone?
Not only that...but flip it over and the Magic Bullet makes one helluva conspiracy theory in ten second or less!
-death rattle-

 

Do you have a book on angling technique characterized by the use of light tackle – line, rods, reels and artificial baits. Productive in uncluttered water, like many of our western impoundments?
No.
Ummm... Go fish?

 

Do you have a book on playful collective improvisation using a variety of musical styles (including rock, jazz, reggae, Latin, and funky blues). Possibly by a group of four?
No.
Ummm...go Phish?

 

Hello. I am Abe Vigoda. You might remember me from television's Barney Miller.
No.
...And then he corn-holed me and ran out of the store screaming, "RRRAWRR!"
Good for him.

 

Hey...it's my neighbor.
Excuse me. I ran out of gas and my car is stranded down town.
Never said much to him before.
I walked home to get a gas can, but I'm locked out of the house until my wife comes home.
But I see him walking all the time.
Do you have five bucks so I can rent a can and get some gas?
Well....I guess I can. You're not gonna try anything funny, are ya?

 

It sure is hot out. Can I borrow a ride , too?
You know me. I live right over there. As soon as I get home I will pay you back.
Well.....Okay.

 

You wait here while I go into the Quick-Shop and get a can for the gas.
Okay.
They don't sell gas cans here. We'll have to go to Wal-Mart. But I'll need to borrow five more dollars.
Well...okay.

 

Ohh..Crap! It's after Eight o'clock! Now the service station is closed.
But you can still get gas.
Yes. But there is something wrong with the alternator.
I don't suppose you could help me tow it to my friends house. Could you?
Well...Okay.

 

Hey, thanks man. You live right over there...right?
Yep.
I'll pay you back tomorrow.
Okay
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
ZzzzZZZZ. Wah...(yawn)...it's midnight?

 

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
It's Midnight. I'm not answering the door!
He can put it in the mail slot.
Actually, I am kinda surprised he came back at all. But I don't know him well enough to let him in this late.
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
HOLY CRAP! Now it's THREE o'clock in the morning.

 

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
It's four o'clock in the morning. I am not answering the door for this clown.
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
WHAT the ....Now it sounds like he's knocking on the windows.
CLUMP-CLUMP-CLUMP-CLUMP-CLUMP
It sounds like someones in the upstairs apartment? But...gulp...I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THIS BUILDING?

 

So after you gave him money, he broke into the empty apartment above you.
Yes.
And you called me because you want your money back.
No. I called you because he's been knocking on my windows and doors AND he broke into the upstairs apartment.
Sir...why did you give him money?
So this is my fault.

 

Sir, you shouldn't give money to strangers.
I thought I was helping out a neighbor in trouble.
It sounds like the M.O. of "Mr. Fear." This guy has been panhandeling in town all month.
This clown is named "FEAR?"
It's a gang thing.
Panhandeling clown gangs?

 

That house he lives in has no electricity and water. He lives there whith his gang buddies.
And that house and Quicky Shop you took him to are known meth labs.
It sounds like you were his drug runner for the evening.
Sounds more like I was his bitch.

 

He probably saw you as an easy mark, so he was back to "borrow" some more money.
...ya know. I don't care about losing the money. I just don't want him coming back.
How much did you give him.
Let's see...the first five, another five...money for a tow....um..forty dollars...or so.
Well....I want forty dollars, too!
Shut up, Mom.

 

The following Sunday morning.
Hey, look. They delivered the Sunday newspaper to me.
But I don't subscribe to the newspaper.
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
GIMME SOME WATER!
Mr. Fear!

 

Did you get the paper I left you?
You just wanted to see if I was home...by checking to see if the paper moved.
-gasp- Why would I do that?
Cuz the police said you were part of a gang and the money I gave you went for drugs.
The police in town are racist because I'm a clown...and I'm from Chicago.
Panhandeling clown gangs from Chicago?

 

I was here the other night...but you didn't answer.
I WAS SLEEPING!
Why didn't you just leave the money in the mail slot.
In this neighborhood? Are you kidding?

 

So, are you gonna let me in?
No.
But I was gonna pay you back.
Okay...Where's the money.
I'll have to go get it. Wait here.
Okay!

 

If you give me a ride to my brother-in-law, I can get the money from him.
No. Let's just forget the money. If your intentions are to REALLY pay me back, instead use the money to "pass it on." Help some one else...
You're just a clown racist, too!
HOW did I send out that vibe?
Do you want your newspaper back?

 

Hey...I saw you talkin' to that clown. Are you friends?
No. He's a panhandler that I gave some money to...and now he keeps coming over.
Be careful. He asked me if I had change for a fifty.
When I pulled out five tens, he grabbed them and said he would go get the fifty.
That was last Tuesday.
Brilliant! So you PAID him to STAY away.

 

The next day at work.
Thankyou for calling the Book Store. How can I help you?
Hey, Chris. This is your landlord. Some clown has been hanging around your place all day.
Oh, crap! What's he doing?
He's looking in your windows.
Hey...I really do work in a book store!
Oh, crap...He probably sees my comic book collection.
Careful, geek. He's after your Adam West autograph!

 

I'm so tired. I can't sleep at night because I keep imagining that clown knocking on my door.
This morning, the door knob on my back door was pulled off.
I have to sneak out of my own apartment.
And now he's waiting for me when I go home.
Can I sleep at your place?
Nice try Romeo!

 

I have a buddy on the police force.
This clown knows where I live ....and he knows what car I drive.
I could show up with you.
You don't even have to come over as a police officer. I just want him to see that more than one person is part of the building.
Sure. I think I know who this clown is anyway.
He thought I was stupid, too.
You can still bring your gun if you want.
Hey. Can I have forty bucks, too?

 

There he is. Running up the block.
He saw your car. Ha ha. He's chasing after you.
Hey Chris...WAIT! Whoozat?
Heya Fear. This is a buddy of mine. He came to hang out.
I think he recognizes me.
Look. He just automaticly assumed the position?

 

Mr. Fear. What are you doing here?
Barnum n' Bailey style. Grossin' some ticket stubs...you know how it is.
You been behaving yourself?
Word is you lookin' fo' Bozo. I know where Bozo be. His nose be honkin'!
What the frik was he doing. He wasn't talking normal....
He thinks I'm going to take him in, so his real voice kicked in. It's called 'street clown.'

 

He is speaking 'Street clown,' huh? He's like a totally different person.
Not only that, but he's just tossing his circus buddies to the wolves...I'm not even askin'.
Nice night?
Bozo also be writing bad checks, Emmet Kelly style. And Krusty got the boil maker on at the elephant tent!
You know, if you called Crime Stoppers with all this info, you could get some good cash.
I aint no snitch!

 

You are not to knock on this apartment again.
Man, but me and Chris have private business. I just wanna pay him his money.
Okay. Give him his money and then you wil never approach him again.
I just have to go get it. I'll be right back.
We'll wait for you right here!

 

Okay. He's not coming back.
Thanks, man. Do you think he's dangerous?
Well...It's a good thing you never let him in your place where he could get the upper hand.
Because he was sizing us up. Seeing if he could take us. That's why he was so jittery and dancing around.
Oh....I thought he had to go pee.

 

So...do you think he's gone for good?
I don't know...To think how this thing started...I just wanted to be nice.
Oh, you poor thing. Why don't you spend the night over here. Get a good nights sleep.
Really? Thanks Mom!
Sure. For forty bucks.

 

After a few days, I figured he had easier marks to bother.
I'm just gathering up all my empty pop cans.
And maybe he thought I was part of some neighborhood task force. But....
I save them up and take them back for deposit all at once.
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
GIMME SOME WATER!
Mr. FEAR!

 

Hey..man. I respect you and the police. But I tell you, the police lied to you.
Let's face it. You conned me out'a forty bucks....It's over. You're not getting anymore.
Not even twenty bucks?
NO. NO. NO. Go AWAY. STAY away! A thousand times, GO AWAY!
Can I have those empty pop cans?
Okay. But go!

 

A long time went by where I hadn't heard from him. His drug dependent mind probably forgotten all about me.
(absent mindedly humming the theme from Scrubs) ♫ I'm no Superman♫
.... Oh, CRAP!
But then one day I had to drive to a meeting out of town. It was four in the morning.....at the edge of town....
Pretend not to see him...pretend not to see him.
YO, CHRIS!
--------------------SCEEEEEECH--VRrroom!
Oh...man!
Today is the day where I became only half as stupid as I use to be.

 

As I was at the meeting. I worried Mr. Fear would break into my apartment. But he didn't.
"Yo, I just mowed your lawn. Give me some money!"
Last week, I read in the paper that he walked into an unlocked home where an elderly man lived.
"I'm not giving you any money. Who are you?"
The clown wrestled the old man and took his wallet. This time he was caught in the act.
Damn Clowns!

 

Man! Where that ol' man get off callin' me a thief.
I shoulda got Barnum n' Baily on his ass!
-ehem-
Yo yo...um..Hiya Bozo.
Yo my clown now!

 

There is no such thing as space bacon.
My good man, I stand before you in judgement.
America can only benifit with the discovery of space bacon.
I concur! How 'bout them Sabres?
And don't forget space-hotdogs, space-chops, and space manwiches.
And this has been a 'Meat' the Press Minute!

 

Who are you.
I trained years for my pilots licence just so I could fly Oceanic Flight 815.
But just as I was going to take my maiden flight, I quit to become a television actor.
I was offered a starring roll on a television series that never made it to air, so I decided to help you get off the island.
Essentually, I am your very own "Lost un-aired pilot."

 

One FINE day...
Hey look! It's Larry...nyuk-nyuk!
You see, the so called joke in the last comic panel relies on the reader knowing that "Larry Fine" was one third of the comedy team known collectively as "The Three Stooges."
This is why the lead caption reads, "One FINE day."
We hope this helps clearify any stooge deficiencies in your comedy understanding. I am Motina Howard.
And I am Moline Howard...and we are the Wise Guys!

Showing page 26.

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