All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Would you rather fuck Betty or Veronica?
Betty.
Would you rather fuck Mary Ann or Ginger?
Ginger.
Good. Cause Mary Ann just died.
She did? Can I change my answer?

 

I asked for a "couple" of napkins. You brought me a "gangbang" of napkins.
I did what now?
A "couple" refers to two as in it takes two people to make a couple. You brought me 10 napkins as in there are 10 people in a gangbang.
Is that a thing? Where did you get that 10 people made a gangbang?
Well, the college baseball team had nine players, plus me made 10.

 

Happy anniversary, honey! I got you a small token to express how I feel about you.
Really? How sweet! What is it?
A bath bomb.
I only see a toaster.
Exactly.

 

Okay. You're drawing a butt. A BIG butt. J Lo! No. There are lines around it. Jiggling! Twerking!
TIME!
The word was "clap". See how she's clapping her ass cheeks together?
Why wouldn't you just draw two hands coming together for "clap"?
That's not what I first thought about when I read the card.

 

You busy?
Just fishing.
I don't see a pole.
It's more of a bobber situation. When a man's sac gets so saggy it hits the water when he sits on the toilet, then you reel 'em in!
Welcome to heaven, Larry. Can I get you anything?
Yeah. You can get this hook outta my scrotum!

 

You busy?
Just fishing.
I don't see a pole.
It's more of a bobber situation. When a man's sac gets so saggy it hits the water when he sits on the toilet, then you reel 'em in!
Welcome to heaven, Larry. May I take your suspenders?
No thank you. They are the only thing holding my balls up.

 

Ms. Fletcher, Jordyn just threw me to the ground, started choking me and punched me in the crotch.
That's it! Jordyn! Go to the principal's office!
Jordyn, this seems to be a serious issue. This is the third time this week you've sent here for the same reasons. What is going on?
I'm just doing what you told me to. I'm treating others the way I want them to treat me.

 

Was everything okay this evening?
Not really.
My wife Sharon's steak was still under cooked and her silverware was dirty. She's in the back telling the chef and the busboy exactly what she thinks about them!
Well, you know what they say, Sharon is Karen.

 

We're getting close now, I can feel it!
When I trap it, I'll use the pelt to make a coat and maybe even a hat!
What the hell is this? Larry Flint's grave? I thought I was on a beaver hunt!

 

Ms. Lynn? Do you remember that alien movie with the kid who rode his bike with the alien in the basket? What was the girl's name in that movie?
You mean E.T.? I think it was Drew Barrymore, sir.
Not the actress. What was the character's name?
I believe it was Gertie. Why do you ask? What exactly are you doing in there?
Jerking off.

 

Doctor, they just brought Rush Limbaugh in.
Cause of death is lung cancer.
How do you know? You haven't even examined him. It could have been a heart attack!
I can say with 100% certainty that it was not a heart attack.
How can you say that?
The bastard didn't have a heart.

 

The Vatican has made it clear that God cannot bless same sex marriages because it is a sin.
But God defines sex as being between a man and a woman. Therefore, if two guys bang each other, it's not sex and so it's not a sin.
Huh. You don't say.
Come along, Billy. It's time for us to "not sin" with each other again.

 

Did you hear about the shootings at the Asian massage parlors?
Yeah. The guy said he was having a bad day.
Yeah, but he finished with a happy ending.
Too soon.
It's too soon for a joke?
No. The guy who ran the massage parlor's name is Too Soon.

 

In 5, 4, 3, 2, ...
April Fools, bitches!
*gasp*
Well that escalated quickly.

 

Gee, Harry, these invisibility cloaks are grand!
I told you Hermione.
We can spy on Death Eaters and go undetected.
It will also make searching for horcruxes easier.
True, but for the last time, there is not a horcrux hidden in my arse.

 

Harvey! I heard about the new trial.
What new trial?
The rape appeals.
Oh. My lawyer said something about that.
What did he say?
He said something about rape appeals and I said "Rape appeals to me too."

 

Mortuary. How can I help you?
Hello? Is you're refrigerator running?
Yes it is.
Well you better go and catch it! Hahahaha! Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
No, but I'm about to stick Prince Phillip in one.

 

Father, the church is empty again. How will we ever keep the doors open?
We could have Bernie Madoff's funeral here.
How will that help?
Find two friends and sell them tickets to the funeral. Tell them to find two friends each to sell tickets to and you keep a percent. Then those friends...

 

You know, when you asked me back to your place and told me you collected comic books, I thought that was kinda nerdy.
I get that a lot.
But looking at your collection, you have Captain Marvel, Wonder Woman, She Hulk, Spider-Girl. All female heroes. That's very feminist of you.
I think so.
But why do you only have one issue of each?
I only collect issue number 69 of each one.

 

Give it to me straight doc.
Well Mr. Cliffjumper, as a robot you'll be just fine.
Is there bad news?
As a Transformer, you'll never be able to change into a car ever again.
Why not?
You have an auto immune disorder.

 

What's wrong?
My friend Don is now living in a van on purpose.
You mean...?
He moved out of his apartment to live in a van to save some money. I'm really kinda upset about this.
Awwww. You really care about him.
Not really. It just means I have to be on my best behavior here because if you kick me out, I can't crash at his place anymore.

 

So I went to that Mediterranean place for lunch.
How was it?
Weird. I order a side of hummus but the guy behind the counter thought I said "Hamas."
Huh. I never really thought about how those two words sounded almost the same. Anyway, we still on for bowling?
Can't. I guess when you order a side of Hamas it comes with a two week Palestinian camp.

 

Oh. I see you've installed a camera in the bedroom!
Yep.
Kinky!
It's not for sex.
What then?
For the next time you say "Remember last night when I said 'blah blah blah'" I can then rewind the tape and prove you didn't!

 

Is everything okay, honey?
Not really. I had a vision of Jesus telling me to go forth and I would receive eternal life.
And did you?
No.
I went fifth and all I received was a toaster.

 

Hi. I'm Don.
Terry.
So, uh, this bar is kinda lame. Wanna get outta here and head back to my place?
Okay. Do you have any protection?
Sure. Seatbelts AND air bags!

 

I'm taking my real estate exam on Monday.
That's great!
When I pass, will you be needing a realtor?
Nah. I already got one.
Who?
The sales guy at Jimmy's Toyota.

 

How's van life?
Not great. I've been parking down by the lake and there are a couple of other people that park there too and they've started calling me the Wicked Witch.
How come?
It's starting to get really hot in the van at night and I sweat a lot. I guess one night they heard me scream,
"I'm melting! I'm melting!"

 

Thanks for having me over. What 'cha doin'?
Paying bills. Rent's due, electric, and for some reason the gas bill is really high.
Tell me about it.
My gas bill is over three dollars a gallon right now!

 

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to move your van. You've been sitting in our parking lot for the last seven hours.
I bought a large Coke this morning so I'm entitled to your free wifi.
Besides, my boss told me to.
Your boss told you to sit in our parking lot all day?
He told me to work from home.

 

You actually live in your van? That's so interesting! You must have some free time on your hands.
I'm actually kinda busy. I have a D&D group on Sundays and I'm a part of a local improv troupe.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.
Sir, I don't think she's com---
I know! As soon as the words left my mouth...

 

So where do you park your van at night?
Last night I parked in Florida.
Florida? That's like over a thousand miles away.
Well I guess it felt like Florida.
This morning I woke up with a serious case of swamp ass.

 

Welcome back to Jimmy's Toyota. How's the van working out?
Pretty good.
Hey! We just got in a sweet 15 passenger van you might be interested in.
No thank you.
I'm not looking for a two bedroom right now.

 

How's van life?
Okay. I thought I'd save money but with the new payments, insurance, tags, and P.O. box, it's tough. I need to find some extra cash.
I used to do some cam girling on the side to make some extra money.
You don't say...
Oh sweet Jesus! I'm gonna hurl!

 

I'm thinking of moving across country.
I could take some time off and we could drive there in my van.
There seems to be enough room. Oh! And you got snacks!
2 liters of Mountain Dew and a large popcorn tin.
Uh, that's the bathroom.

 

Hey, boss. I left that report you wanted at home. I need to go and get it.
Okay. See you "soon". Hahaha.
Hold up! You've never let me go home to grab something.
Don lives in his van. The joke is "home" is in the parking lot. He'll be back in two minutes.
2 hours later
What the hell Don? Where have you been?
The van wouldn't start this morning so I had to take an Uber from the lake.

 

So how was the 4th?
Not great.
My neighbors were playing a great mix of 70s and 80s songs outside. Someone asked for a song suggestion and I yelled out "Born in the USA"!
What's wrong with that? It's a great son---. Oh, shit! You live next door to the Hernandez family.

 

This is going really well.
I think so.
What if we get the check and go back to your place for "dessert"?
Not tonight.
My place is getting an oil change.

 

Hey, Harvey. I just got a bill from the prison for $2000 worth of pudding.
Yeah. Thanks for taking care of that.
There was a letter attached stating you have been smearing chocolate pudding all over yourself.
It's my plan to get out of here.
How is eating and smearing chocolate pudding on yourself going to get you out of prison.
Just trying to be more like Cosby.

 

My email account says I need a new password.
How 'bout "yourbuttcheeks"?
Is "yourbuttcheeks" all one word?
Would you rather I spread them apart?

 

Come on guys! I thought you said we were going to play LE crosse!
by four_legged_tripod, 7-26-21

 

Thank you doctor.
Of course. Since we don't have to schedule a follow up we can avoid the lobby and I can see you out the back way.
Great. And I guess since we won't be walking past a lot of people, we won't have to wear our face masks.
That's right. You don't need to wear protection if you're using the backdoor.
Uh... are we still talking about COVID?

 

Hey! Quit staring at my chest!
I'm sorry. I was just reading your shirt.
Oh. Sorry. I just thought...
No problem. Sorry to bother you.
Hey. Wait a minute! There's nothing written on my shirt!

 
Hello? Where did everyone go? Is there no one left?
I'm here. I could talk about what I had for dinner if you'd like or the price of gas.
arbitrary! There you are!

 

Ron Jeremy! Why did you ask to see me?
I heard you actually talk to sex offending creeps like me.
Well, I do see Harvey Weinstein once in a while. Hey! Maybe you guys could bunk together.
Guard! Let me out! You can't keep me locked up with an animal!
Hey! I take offense to that!
No offense, Monkey. I was referring to Harvey.

 

Steve is back! He sent a message to everyone!
Who's Steve?
Steve! From Blues Clues! He disappeared about a year after the World Trade Center attacks.
What's Blues Clues? And what's a trade center?
I've got some recordings of both. Let me grab the VCR.
The what?

 

Hey, Dad, I can't log into the computer. It keeps shutting me out.
Dang! I forgot to update my payment information after my credit card expired.
So Microsoft is holding all of our information until we pay them their annual fee.
Yep.
So Microsoft is basically ransomware?
That sounds about right.

 

Knock knock
Who's there?
I fucked your mother.
You can't just say "I fucked your mother". That's not how knock knock jokes work. Try again.
Okay. Knock knock.
Who's there?
A motherfucker.

 

Wha cha gonna do today, pa?
Gonna fill out some FMLA paperwork.
FMLA? I know FML stands fer Fuck My Life, but does the A stand fer?
Always.

 

You ready for Halloween?
Not really.
How come?
I live in my van, but I want to hand out candy.
Just crash one of those "Trunk-or-Treat" things. You'll blend right in.
I guess that is better than driving around in my van yelling, "Free candy!"

 

I'm sorry sir but we are closing early. We are short staffed.
How many workers are here?
Just two.
But this is Subway. There are always just two workers. Let me talk to the other one.
Can I help you?
Damn! You guys are short staffed!

Showing page 26.

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