All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
3-16-03
i don't care. you couldn't possibly pay me enough money to do anything sexual with a human.
when did you grow these scruples, rabbit?
you forget, my family has been in medical research for 27 generations.
so?
aids, monkey! humans got killer cooties.
hell, i know that. where do you think they got it from?

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
so its true? aids came from monkeys?
yep. mau mau monkey brotherhood. radical east african militants with bio-warfare tactics.
you're making this up.
you got connections at the world health organization. check it yourself.
but that's incredible. why would apes plan biowar against other apes?
well, it all began with the arbegnoch in 1941..

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
bad news. a couple earth creatures are discussing the arbegnoch of 1941.
how bad can it be? google only has three references. the truth is buried beneath religious and political bullshit.
yeah but the creatures are not humans.
you mean?
yes. they're impervious to politics and religion.
ok. think! think! uhmm. hey. do these creatures have anuses?

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
we could abduct them, and probe them and erase their memories.
c'mon you know that's only approved for humans, not the other creatures.
we're exiled here anyway. what's the worst that could happen?
you don't even want to think about the worst that could happen.
more exile?
you really don't care about your abduction privileges do you?

 

by Cobb
3-17-03
so what did you think about the speech?
bush is a genius. the speech was great!
so what did you think about the speech?
bush is a blithering idiot, but the speech was good.
so what did you think about the speech?
i generally like turkey giblets.

 

by Cobb
3-17-03
so what did you think about the speech?
lies, dude. just lies.
so what did you think about the speech?
i was hoping he would speak more about the fate of iraqi women.
what do..
you should know not to bother me before the opening bell.

 

by Cobb
3-19-03
it's really happening. i can't believe it.
bush the younger has spoken. there will be change in my country.
yes but all this killing is so horrible.
i know. i wish there was another way. but it was my family. some days i just don't care.
*was* your family. you never said..
i never wanted to cry.

 

by Cobb
3-19-03
i wanted to believe there would be no more tears here in america.
so you never told anyone saddam killed your family.
i have felt guilty about surviving all these years. i gave up my faith.
and you moved here to the suburbs and bought a house and an suv?
i am hiding from my past. you understand?
i want so badly to be your friend. anything you need, just ask.

 

by Cobb
3-23-03
you haven't moved for days watching the war.
you haven't spoken to anyone.
it's starting to get funky in here.

 

by Cobb
3-23-03
i've got npr simulcast, cnn, the wp, the voa, and the nyt. i've got the bbc, rueters, al jazeera, the independent, xinhua and le monde.
i'm checking several warblogs, stratfor.com and jane's defense. i've got itn, msnbc, ha'aretz, google news, deutsche welle, bangkok post, and iraq.net.
but..
but you still can't tell who's winning.

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
i talked to my dad today.
yeah? how is all that going?
the prosecutors dropped the charges on some technicality.
hey, that's great. but you don't seem too excited.
well, you know. maybe it was them.
"operation klammath?"

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
so. was it you? did you get the prosecutors to drop the charges?
just a minute... ow!.. huh? what are you talking about?
i'm talking about your guy named 'al'. did you guys cut a deal? i didn't ask for your help.
no. we didn't do anything. maybe you just lucked up.
then i don't owe you anything?
no, but we could use some apache spare parts.

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
so you're sure?
look. the politics don't matter now, we have more pressing operational matters.
you're telling me!
it's those damned turks. we were supposed to have a heavy armored column from the north.
ah. what is the sound of one pincer pinching?
very funny. where's your selective service card?

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
you look different somehow.
man, i am re-energized. these protests are like.. like..
the 60s all over again?
it's the whole spirit of change. i'm a part of something larger than myself.
it's a wild feeling!
yeah! even the biggest trucks. they stop right in front of my lawn chair. it's like tiananmen.

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
whew. we dodged that bullet.
are you still worried about that monkey spilling the beans about my virus?
arbegnoch was no laughing matter.
i was bored. and i'm getting bored again. how's about we..
don't even go there.
c'mon. najaf? who will remember najaf?

 

by Cobb
3-24-03
ok. not najaf. how's about irbil? it rhymes with gerbil.
no. no. no. you are so wrong to go interfering with humans like this. especially when the strong ones are at war.
you know, you are deep in denial. if you weren't a criminal you wouldn't be here orbiting this rock with me. so cut the crap.
hey, i'm trying to reform myself. so i am generating real sympathy for the creatures of earth.
oh please. explain oppenheimer.
i was helping him understand things. what's wrong with that?

 

by Cobb
3-25-03
ya know. i've been thinking about the rules of our exile.
here we go again..
well, really i've been thinking about death.
death!? you mean you really would take the mortality option by disobeying the second directive?
i really want to mess with human history in a big way. i think it's worth dying for.
i'm shocked! i'm awed!

 

by Cobb
3-26-03
..that's a great idea. how will you do it?
well, i suppose i could give cash to the red cross. they know what to do.
the people of basra would certainly appreciate it.
i just wish more people would stop protesting and start doing something concrete.
you make me proud to be an american.
well, we're all pretty good at canned food drives. it starts at a young age.

 

by Cobb
3-26-03
..so i'm going to give blood at the local red cross.
cool, i think i'll just send a wad of cash to unicef.
www.allaboutgiving.org
don't forget your local place of worship. organize something where you live!
careless their merits or their faults to scan, his pity gave ere charity began. thus to relieve the wretched was his pride, and even his failings lean'd to virtue's side.
i think i'm going to be sick.

 

by Cobb
3-26-03
you're back!
yeah i've kinda had a bad trip, but i'm over it.
i heard rumors about circus animals. did you..
look you don't need to go there. i'm not that over it.
how did you turn the corner?
i realized that even the worst date is better than the best war.

 

by Cobb
3-26-03
look, i'll explain it in simple terms.
it's still war, and war is horrible.
but who would you rather win, the good guys or the bad guys?
the good guys i guess. but why should they be fighting?
that's beside the point. the fighting has already started. now somebody has to win, somebody has to lose. who?
ok. ok. you've made your point. can i go now? survivor is on.

 

by Cobb
3-31-03
i need a favor..
yeah what is it?
well, i'm trying to get an idea exactly how many tanks the americans have lost and from which divisions...
are you nuts? you think i'm going to give you that?
actually, all i need from you is russian to english translating software.
oh good because i don't even have those numbers... hey wait a minute!

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
how do you like me now?
you're talking like it's over.
it's all over but the shouting, dude.
but there are thousands of iraqis in hospitals.
yeah, but now they're free.
some days you make me wish i was violent.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
back so soon?
i didn't expect you for several weeks.
i got lucky.
do i really want to know?

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
i really have to talk to someone. the things i've seen...
blood, guts.
you can't imagine.
oh.. i've got cousins, vultures, buzzards.. i hear plenty. it's all rather amusing.
i keep forgetting that you hate humanity.
you're no nobel candidate yourself, buster.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
like i was saying, it all seemed too easy.
you just cut through the medina division of the republican guard..
they didn't seem to be all there.
as in mentally?
as in numerically.
maybe somebody opened a back door.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
back door? are you suggesting that allied forces let iraqis slip out of baghdad?
well, where are all the prisoners?
no way! no way! tommy franks cut a deal with the enemy?
don't be so naive. how else could you win in 3 days?
but.. but.. there was sharp resistance..
you need to shutup and go take a shower, blood boy.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
ok i'm calm now. so explain this back door theory again?
why waste it on you? you might lose your will to fight.
no..
what a retard.
i still serve my country with honor.
good. now go get your syrian passport.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
..so overall i think it's good to be alive and free. i sure am glad i'm not iraqi.
oh listen to you. how can you be so insensitive?
what do you mean?
if you were a woman you'd really understand powerlessness.
huh?
augusta! augusta, you moron! women can't golf at the masters!

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
quick question. do you believe that there should be a jewish state?
of course. actually when i think about it there should be three jewish states.
huh?
that way, we could be friends with one, ignore the second, and drop bombs on the third. it'll prove we're not prejudiced.
aah. just like we do with arab states.
not that anybody notices.

 

by Cobb
4-10-03
man those turks are getting on my last nerve.
can you believe it?
first they say they'll let us march through to northern iraq. then they change their mind.
and now they expect us to police the kurds.
exactly, with what troops?
the first amnesia division.

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
i was most pleased that the shrine at najaf was preserved.
yes but the looting of the museum in downtown baghdad.
so?
but it's full of valuable historical artifacts.
they may be valuable but they are not sacred.
so you'll help me identify the good ones on ebay?

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
no, no, i shouldn't help you buy looted artifacts on ebay.
i was just kidding. hey, you said shouldn't. not wouldn't?
i don't have much cash. i would have to sell my escalade.
but you could repatriate misappropriated art objects.
and you could pad your humanitarian resume.
sounds like win-win to me.

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
what do you think is the greatest loss of the war?
easy. that would be our loss of credibility in the region.
yeah, from syria and hamas! i think we're a lot more credible to the kurds and the shi'a.
i see your point.
what about priceless artifacts looted from baghdad?
whatever it is you're talking about, i want 7%

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
i thought you were all about humanitarian aid.
i was, i am. but what credit did i get? i've been sending money for weeks. nobody cares.
well, we've only been watching fox news.
have you heard news about american gifts to basra?
no. only the british tv stations report on basra.
my point exactly. baghdad is where the coverage is.

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
i suppose you're happy with how the war turned out.
of course. but you shouldn't talk about it in the past tense.
c'mon, you don't really expect to be fighting much longer.
you never know. syria's a problem. we've still got all our equipment over there. can't leave things half done!
shouldn't we just quit while we're ahead?
hey, that's another q-word. we don't use those around here.

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
what's new blood boy?
you were right, ok? i'm going to syria. i want you to come with me.
huh?
i'll need your assistance in the hunt for chemical weapons.
no way, i'm extremely sensitive to..
exactly!

 

by Cobb
4-14-03
the way i see it, you're in a pickle because you hate humanity.
how's that?
if i find chemical weapons in syria, we'll unleash destruction there, but you will have to sacrifice to help.
if i spare my own life, you won't find a thing and nobody dies.
gotcha.
i'll get back to you.

 

by Cobb
4-15-03
if i die helping you find chemical weapons, i would make the world safer. i prefer the chaos.
you're just another weasel.
i'd rather be a weasel than help you.
but i thought we had an understanding.
i'm starting to believe you actually help humans. our understanding is over.
oh great. so now who can i talk to?

 

by Cobb
4-15-03
i should have gone to iraq to be a human sheild.
you did your share here in america.
1800 innocent iraqis are dead. iraq was the place to be.
but you'd probably be dead now.
it doesn't matter. i could have done more.
i don't know. i thought martyrdom was for the bad guys.

 

by Cobb
4-16-03
i really appreciate your help on this. so what have you found?
not much. some computers, some furniture. an egyptian mask.
that doesn't sound like a priceless iraqi antiquity to me.
maybe the looters haven't used the internet to fence stolen goods before.
i thought this regime was full of crooks and criminals.
patience my young one, patience.

 

by Cobb
4-16-03
..and so they'll take american dollars instead of dinars. that way we don't pay too much.
and then we return them when the new regime comes in, right.
yeah pretty much.
so you'll keep a few choice items.
heavens no, i'll donate them to the met.
cool. i've always wanted my name on one of those big donor plaques.

 

by Cobb
4-16-03
..then the met holds a charity auction and donates the proceeds to unicef.
and then the money gets back to iraqi children.
pure humanitarian aid. all we have to do is pose as rich american culture vultures.
and wait for the looters to show up on ebay with priceless artifacts.
it's brilliant.
do you think we'll be credible vultures?

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
it's time to have fun. forget the war!
it's on every channel, in every paper. it's all people talk about.
but there's love and sunshine and delicious food. can't anything distract people from death and politics?
taxes.
oh crap, i completely forgot!
so, how is the circus business?

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
say, did you do your taxes?
hell no. i won't fund this war with my money.
that's an impressive statement..
i'm not kidding either.
..but don't you think the impact is mitigated since you live with your parents?
i see you too need a lesson in freedom.

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
things are looking up. dad's working again.
wow. that's great news. what's he doing?
oh the same thing. investment banking. only this time he's doing emerging markets, third world stuff.
who'd want to invest in emerging markets?
who else..
don't tell me. france.

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
isn't third world investing risky?
it depends on what kind of third world country.
there are different kinds?
yeah, permanent and transitory.
let me guess again. iraq would be transitory.
pops figures with bush in office, transitory is a growth market.

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
we'd like to know if you have figured an inventive scheme to profit from the war.
well, the iraqi internet domain, '.iq' is in play.
ah yes, we arrested the original iraqi owners. terrorist connections.
no chance for a trial for the next 2 years i'm sure.
yeah that's a safe bet.
who says our government doesn't help the small businessman?

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
well you were wrong about najaf. people remembered.
well, that's why i didn't go.
well, i have to admit, i did some pretty good anal probes.
i saw your recording. i didn't know muslim clerics could scream like that.
so where were you anyway?
hong kong, toronto. haven't you checked any non-war news?

 

by Cobb
4-17-03
you can't keep playing with viruses like this.
you sound like my mothers.
that's not the point. i've got dibs on the asians.
fine, then you take the africans too.
wait a minute. they're almost gone.
don't worry, gw bush has a plan!

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