All comics by pwoods11

 

I hear we have a special guest in our vistation center today!
Yes, A Miss Farrah Fawcett will be doing a VIP signing of her famous poster for all of the chronic masturbators comdemn down here.
by pwoods11, 6-29-09

 

That was a nice $20,000 sale..... but you didnt use the required verbage... so I going to write you up.
I am just guessing but you probaly werent popular in high school
by pwoods11, 7-26-09

 

by pwoods11
7-26-09
You did not try the required three closes with that last customer.
I closed the sale on the first one
But thats not 3 is it?...Im afraid that is going to result in a write up
what a dick

 

Good news... Management decided you can use one of your vacation days to pay you for the upcoming holiday that we used to pay you for.
He really does think I am stupid.. What a choad
by pwoods11, 7-26-09

 

by pwoods11
8-05-09
You were overheard saying Sarah in shipping had a nice ass. Thats sexual harassment my friend.
Thats my wife
never the less... a company rule is a rule. I am going to write you up
Later that day
Did you hear the one about the lady from nantucket?..ha ha

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
Smile!!!
Later that Day
What are you smiling about?

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
You can go home since you celebrate Christmas.
You can stay until 5:00 because your muslim or something, Right? You dont celebrate real holidays anyway,right?

 

I cant get the fax to work.
Thats because its a copier
by pwoods11, 8-10-09

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
I blame you for this
wait.. I was sick that day
Perhaps. This will teach you not to be sick, won't it?

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
Huge meeting with the big bosses today
Are you ready?
you cannot plan for the worst case scenario; you can only be as prepared as possible.
Really.. thats your plan? Really?

 

Im going to head out for the day. I have my new blueberry on if you need to get ahold of me.
wow.. unbelivable
by pwoods11, 8-10-09

 

The big bosses are on their way. Quick...Tell me something of consequence that has happened.
wow..lol..Good luck buddy...
by pwoods11, 8-10-09

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
A woman honked at me today.
Really?
Do you think she is a lesbian?
Definately

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
I understand you want to leave early?
I need to take my dad to his cancer treatment
Your making to much of this. We are all going to die. Make sure your career dosent die first.
I fucking hate you

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
So whats new today?
I had a dream about running this company one day.
Thats a manager's dream. Why did you have it?

 

by pwoods11
8-10-09
I heard you had a request
I need two days off. Ill work extra hours to offset the time.
Absolutely not. You are salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between the two?
Are you kidding me?

 

Look.. I put you on my team to share your ideas... not for you to get recognition
by pwoods11, 8-10-09

 

by pwoods11
8-11-09
I am really excited about getting started on this computer thing. Can i count on your help?
What can I do?
Well.. when you pick my programs ,make sure you get software. I dont think I'm ready for hardware.
suuure.. we will take it slow.

 

by pwoods11
8-11-09
I was wondering if we could discuss my career
You dont have a career. You have a job, just do it

 

by pwoods11
8-11-09
I have been trying to tansfer a call to you all morning. I saw you in your office.
Important people are busy and I'm important
It was your mother.

 

Okay..we have a big meeting today.. I want you to keep your comments to both orally and verbaly
you have to be shitting me..lol
by pwoods11, 8-11-09

 

Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit. Its been that way ever since my grandfather bought the company.
awww.. everything is clear now
by pwoods11, 8-11-09

 

by pwoods11
8-13-09
Step it up!
Why is it when bosses talk about improving productivity,they are never talking about himself?
Low production AND a bad attitude. That can only result in..
i know .. a write up

 

by pwoods11
8-13-09
Managing a department is not hard. Give the impossible projects to employees you hate. If it dosen't work you can fire them..which is always a joy.
If it does work, you're a motivational genius and you get a hefty bonus. Could life get any better?
What a douche

 

I don't want to ram-rod this decision down your throat, but open wide.
by pwoods11, 8-13-09

 

Why is a win-win strategy important? Dosen't that mean I get less?
I bet your IQ was negative
by pwoods11, 8-13-09

 

by pwoods11
8-13-09
I set a new record on Guitar Hero
Thats kinda cool. What song did you use?
I have the Michael Bolton add on addition... it gets really intense.
Holy Shit

 

by pwoods11
8-13-09
When we hired you,there were alot more quailfied salespeople.
But we didnt hire them because they were women.

 

You're entitled to your opinion, BUT you are not free to express it here
by pwoods11, 8-13-09

 

We must pay great attention to every detail. Lets take a break and meet again at 9 o'clock in the afternoon.
What??
by pwoods11, 8-19-09

 

Once in my career I didnt get along with my boss. But when he told me how it was affecting my performance, I immediately did a 360 degree turaround. I expect the same from you.
360 degrees? wow
by pwoods11, 8-19-09

 

I encourage you to take some chances in your research and devlopment work, BUT dont risk my Bonus on some pipe dream... understand?
I understand .. whatever is best for you .... dickhead
by pwoods11, 8-19-09

 

We have four, 15 inch computer monitors in storage. i want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office.
Unbelievable
by pwoods11, 8-20-09

 

by pwoods11
8-21-09
Before the executives come back to decide on our benefits wouldnt you like to know what your employees think?
This benefits decision is alot like a political election, if you cant vote you dont count......... You can't vote.
Asshole

 

by pwoods11
8-21-09
It was suggested to me that I could advance quicker if i picked someone to be a mentor.. interested?
It could hurt MY chances for advancement if people thought I was your mentor.

 

Look, we have a monopoly in that territory. Customer service isn't that important........ Let them complain.
Wasnt that GMs attitude at one time?
by pwoods11, 8-21-09

 

The design team is frustrated with the lack of direction from upper management.
It's not important if you know what you're doing as long as you know you did something.
by pwoods11, 8-21-09

 

I just paid an invoice for $25 for a new first aid kit. I sure hope the union appreciates what lenghts we go to for our employees.
That first aid kit will come in handy when I cut my wrist.
by pwoods11, 8-21-09

 

I hope you can learn from this evaluation. Let me start by saying. You have done so many things to annoy me this year. But I'm not going to tell you about the things i cant remember.
I feel so motivated now.
by pwoods11, 8-21-09

 

So to conclude your evaluation.... You are not getting the top rating because you have problems dealing with people who are known to be hard to work with.
What??
by pwoods11, 8-21-09

 

by pwoods11
8-22-09
We have a very serious problem in developement
You dont have a problem.. you have an opportunity
What I do have.... is an opportunity to slap the shit out of you.

 

by pwoods11
8-22-09
Your over two hours late
I called in. It was approved. My dog Max.. who Ive had for 15 years died last night. I took him to the vet to be cremated.
Couldnt you have buried that thing in the back yard?
I am going to fucking punch you RIGHT in your face.

 

The cake in the lounge is better than sex!
Oh God....Would that be sex with you?
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Rome wasnt built in a day, but I wasnt project manager on that job.
What a douche bag
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Do you know what the reward is for a job well done?
No punishment?
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Any possible way I could leave about an half hour early? My brother is leaving the states and we are having a party for him.
Why not, you havent been very important lately anyway.
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Here is a free lesson.. Lying is a fundamental business tool like marketing. Learn to lie and it will serve you well.
You mean like your a great boss?
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Im trying to decide what to do with a co-worker who is rude, lazy and incompetent?
I would treat them with respect because they will probaly be the boss
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

Read that new sign i just put in every stall.
I just did.. "While you are doing something for yourself on my time, think of something you can do for me on your time." Really? How poetic
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

 

The quarterly drug test is coming up.... Your lucky.. all the secretarial positions are also required to have aids and VD tests also.
Are you shitting me?
by pwoods11, 8-22-09

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