All comics by theburninator

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by theburninator
11-28-07
Who's a good kittie? Youse a good kitty! Yes you are! Does Mr. Fluffy want a scratchy-poo? Aawww, yes, you do! Yes you.. OW! You bit me, you fucker!
Meow.
Aw, it's ok. I know you're just trying to play.
Meow.
Does Mr. Fluffy want a treat? Yes he does! Good kitty! Good - OW! Goddammit!
Fuck! I'll get that jugular one day, you son of a bitch, mark my words.

 

by theburninator
11-28-07
I don't know about that new guy...
What do you mean?
Earlier.
Say, Fred, could I borrow your staple remover?
If you ever speak to me again, I will throw you down an elevator shaft and skullfuck your infant son.
Well, I don't think he's a "team player."

 

by theburninator
12-01-07
Hey, you're home!
So... I guess you forgot my treats again, huh?
Dogs... can't... talk.

 

by theburninator
12-01-07
Hey, look up there! Is that a bird?... Or a plane?...or is it?...
Superman?!
By golly, I think you're right!
AAAAAHHH!! I'M BLIND!
Ah, guess it was a solar eclipse after all.

 

by theburninator
12-01-07
I'm not racist or anything, but people like that scare me.

 

by theburninator
12-01-07
Rape me!
Rape me, my friend.
Rape me.
Rape me again!
I'm not the only one...
I'm not the only one...

 

by theburninator
12-03-07
Well, sir, you may think you said "small diet coke," but what you ACTUALLY said was "coke," you fat piece of scum-sucking shit!
Excuse ME?! I wanna see your manager right now!
You wanna see my manager? Alright, here's my manager. He's loaded with hollow points and he's gonna solve all of our problems.
What th-
...And he's gonna solve all of our problems.
Hello?! I said, you gave me the wrong drink, you moron!

 

by theburninator
12-03-07
Saturday
Dude, you gotta meet this chick, her name is Mary and she'll totally give it up!
But my Father said that I may not know a woman. It would only cause trouble.
Jesus Christ, man! You're thirty-three years old and you still listen to your dad?! Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
Well...
Sunday
Apology NOT accepted!

 

by theburninator
12-04-07
Tell me more about this structure, strange humanoid.
This wall? Oh, it was built back in 122 by the Roman Emperor Hadrian.
And what are these "walls" you speak of used for?
Well, this one in particular probably defended the Romans from some barbarian horde or something, but walls are also used to protect buildings from the elements and stuff.
So that's why it's always so windy in my living room! You will tell me how to construct a "wall" immediately.
I'm so wasted right now... I can't believe this tourist guy looks like an alien holding a hair dryer.

 

by theburninator
12-04-07
Dammit, Scotty, where are those transporters?!
Dude, I told you, this plane is about to crash. You're not going to make it to the Star Trek convention. And Scotty and the transporters are not real.
Dammit, Scotty, WHERE ARE THOSE TRANSPORTERS?!
*Sigh*... I can't believe I'm gonna die with this douchebag.

 

by theburninator
12-06-07
You know, sometimes, I like to stand here in this room, look out the window, and just think...
Where the fuck is the door?

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
Our heroes are in the midst of another exciting adventure!
I told you we were lost, you dumb sonofabitch!
Look, I'll say it one more time - I'm a fucking bat. I navigate by judging the distances of objects by the delay of the echo of my screech bouncing off them!
It's just that there apparently aren't too many objects to bounce echos off here.
No shit.
Hey, who's the one with eyes, asshole?! At least I didn't voluntarily lead us into a fucking DESERT!

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
Excuse me? Is this Newton Street?
...Yes... Yes, it is.
Oh good! I thought for sure I was lost. You see, I've been transformed into a bat, and I'm searching for the Wizard known as Biggus Dickus. Apparently, he lives somewhere around here.
Uh huh...
Have you heard of him?
This has got to be a result of the peyote-and-Monty-Python spree last week.

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
Well? Do you know where he lives?
I think maybe someone's fuckin' with you, man. "Biggus Dickus" is a joke name.
Aw, goddammit! I knew it! Well, do you know anybody that might know anything about transmogrification, dissasociative magic, that sort of thing?
Not really...
Do you at least know someplace I can get a beer and think this shit over?
Now that, I can help you with. Say... are you cool, man?

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
Yeah, just shotgun me, man, there's no way I can hit that bong - I lack the opposable thumbs.
No problem, dude. Hey, what's your name, anyways?
It's Norm. Pleasure to make your acquaintance...?
Vinny. Likewise.
Right on. So I guess you're curious as to how I came to be a bat, huh?
Actually, I was gonna ask if you wanted to play some Tekken, but then I remembered about the thumb thing, so... yeah.

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
"Well, it all started a few days ago. I was on vacation in Tahiti, and I saw a sign that said something about Voodoo Potions..."
Probably some lame tourist trap... ah, what the hey. I got nothin' else going on.
"The clerk spouted some mumbo-jumbo about the 'white devil's sin made flesh' or something. So I walked back out."
Whatever.
You will soon know the power of the gods!
"All of sudden, I felt, like, really thirsty. Thirstier than I'd ever felt. Only, instead of looking for a bar, like usual, I found myself looking for a human jugular vein for some reason."
Oh my god, that looks delicious... WHY DOES THAT LOOK DELICIOUS?!

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
"So, long story short, I made my way back here to the states, all the while contemplating the strange hand Fate had dealt me."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuckfuckfuck FUCK!
"On the way, I met a fellow traveller who seemed to be of some help..."
Turned into a bat, huh? Yeah, I've seen it before. Listen, there's this wizard, he lives on Newton Street...
He was a dick.
Well, yeah, but I still can't believe you fell for that.

 

by theburninator
12-08-07
So, that's basically it. Some crazy third-world cunt turned me into a vampire bat. Isn't that fucked up?
Totally, dude. Sucks ass. So what are you gonna do?
Well, I guess I'll try to get back to Tahiti and lay the smack-down on that bitch till she turns me back into a human.
Righteous.
Wanna come along?
I heard those Voodoo dudes smoke, like, mad green. I'm totally in.

 

by theburninator
12-12-07
So, what are you making, dude?
I am making a gyro... er, beef tenderloin salad.
MY WIFE GAVE BIRTH TWO WEEKS AGO!
Awkward...

 

by theburninator
12-13-07
Hey, man, I've got great news!
I have some bad news. You go first.
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!
I have lukemia.
...So, switched to Geico, huh?

 

by theburninator
12-13-07
No! Just give me a goddamn refill on my coffee! I don't want any goddamn fries, and goddammit, I don't want to super-size!
But sir, a small side of fries is only two dollars extra!
Oh my god, I am so angry right now.
I understand sir.
So... No super-sizing, then?

 

by theburninator
12-13-07
Mommy, why am I so "different" from the other little boys?
Hey, Linda, aren't you pregnant? And isn't that your eighth jack and coke?
Shut up and give me a cigarette!
God made you an extra-special little boy!

 

by theburninator
12-13-07
Hey! There's no line at the register of that grocery store!

 

I'm not even supposed to be here today!
by theburninator, 12-13-07

 

by theburninator
12-14-07
Boy, all this running is really paying off for my glutes. I am in great shape these days!

 

by theburninator
12-14-07
I'm not speaking to you, John.
Oh, come on, sis; now that you're out, you gotta admit it's pretty funny.
I spent two years in prison because the police mistook your DNA for mine.
I know! Isn't it a riot?! Oh, and the laws have changed, so what I did is now punishable by community service.

 

by theburninator
12-14-07
I'm sorry, I asked for my steak to be cooked medium... this is medium-rare.
My apologies, sir. I'm sure the chef would be happy to cook you a new steak.
BULL-FUCKING-DOGSHIT my ASS! That's fucking medium, or your mother's a cocksucking whore of Babylon! Take it back and get the fuck out my kitchen!
Here you are, sir, the chef sends this with his sincerest apoligies.
Ahh, this is more like it.

 

by theburninator
12-14-07
Pictionary?
No.
Monopoly?
No.
Hide-the-Sausage?
Now you're talking, baby.

 

by theburninator
12-15-07
This is gonna look great on my resume.

 

by theburninator
12-15-07
I'm Kevin Costner.

 

by theburninator
12-15-07
Jeez, can't they take a little physical humor?
I mean, look at my costume! What was I supposed to do, stand there and NOT behead the CEO and claim dominance over the realm?
I mean, come on.

 

by theburninator
12-20-07
Just stand right there, Lenny. And don't turn around.
Ok George.
I'm so sorry Lenny.
For wha-

 

by theburninator
12-20-07
Sure is nice to finally have some "me" time.

 

by theburninator
12-23-07
At least, that's what she thought. Hahaha!
Haha!

 

by theburninator
1-07-08
OMG WTF WERE AM I!!!1!!?!1one!

 

by theburninator
1-09-08
See, this is what joo do, mang; when joo see a pretty lady, joo walk up to her and joo flick your tongue in and out of jor mouth really fast, like this!
Uh huh...
And then joo get all the women joo want, mang!
Friggin' sweet!
Man, this is gonna be so awesome. I can't wait to try it out!

 

by theburninator
1-09-08
Man, that tongue thing Manny showed me is workin' out great!
I love it when chicks slap me!

 

by theburninator
1-10-08
Bone Crusher, how do you feel about your upcoming match with Jacknife?
How do you think I feel? That guy's fucking huge! I'm so scared, I'm about to shit my pants!
Fuck this, they don't pay me enough! I'm outta here!
Um.

 

by theburninator
1-10-08
Are you getting sleepy yet?
No, but my genitals are tingling.
Is that normal?
Well, since you just banged that crackwhore, I'd say yes.

 

by theburninator
1-10-08
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.
I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo! And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! Won't be long now, before they tear us to shreds.
...Then onto the Hollywood Freeway, and straight on into frantic oblivion. Just another freak in the freak kingdom.

 

by theburninator
1-14-08
Timmy, I just got back from the doctor, and I have some bad news... I have cancer.
Who cares?

 

by theburninator
1-15-08
My roommate's thoughts on an episode of CSI in which a female prisoner kills her cellmate
Dude... why wouldn't you just wait... until you're out of prison?
Well, I guess as long as you're in prison, you might as well kill a few bitches.

 

by theburninator
1-15-08
Whatever.

 

by theburninator
2-09-08
Boy, that was some explosion, huh, Frank?
Good thing we're way back here; volcano eruptions have been known to reduce even Redwoods to mere splinters!
Frank?!

 

by theburninator
2-09-08
*Gurgle*
Ok, you win.
WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!

 

by theburninator
2-09-08
That kid from the mail room has been following me around all day!
That's why you should never hire KFC to handle your executive staff-only luncheon catering.

 

by theburninator
2-09-08
Huh?
Oh snap! It's my future self come to warn me of the error of my ways!
Uh... yeah, totally. I'm you... from... 2045... I've come to tell you that... uh... aw, fuck this. The Knights of the Temple of Neitzche reign supreme! Taste my steel, filthy Shogun dog!
OH FU--
What a dumbass.

 

by theburninator
2-09-08
Andy reads a list of people who deserve to be euthanised.
People who stand on escalators. People who think their baby is special. People who make small talk in public bathrooms. People who think the eighties were cool.
Pseudo-intellectuals. Emo kids. Young conservatives. New-money snobs. Old-money pricks. Anyone named "Hubert."
No joke here, people. If you recognize yourself on this list, I'm coming for you, motherfucker.

 

by theburninator
2-11-08
Hey man, how's it going?
I hit a kid with my car today.
Seriously? Is it dead?
Probably. But I've learned to just drive away real fast; this has actually happened a few times this week already.
How many does that make?
42.

 

by theburninator
2-13-08
A-ha! Caught you red-handed!
What's that, some kind of fucking race joke? You got a problem with my color, you sick son of a bitch?!
What? No! It's just an expres... I mean, I was just trying to say...
Oh, never mind.
Just kidding! RAAAAAARR!!

Showing page 3.

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