All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi, 11-20-16

 

by umfumdisi
11-26-16
Hw gzzz it, Ephrm?
Fine with me. What the flock is up with you?
Duing muh prt to fight glbull wrming.
By freezing yourself?
If Grnlund cn't b cuvurd in izz, then I will b.

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-16
um, you're not --
yes, i am
no, you're not asiangirl2
yes, i am
stop saying that!
hey, if caitlyn jenner can do it, so can i

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-16
I'm here to collect.
Blood, urine, semen, stool?
Yes.

 

Hey, everybody, time for a snowball fight!
Fuck that shit! I'm going back to the greenhouse...
by umfumdisi, 11-27-16

 

Hey, sexy, yer shirt matches mah hair.
Cool, your tattoo matches my underlying racism.
by umfumdisi, 11-27-16

 

by umfumdisi
12-11-16
Look at youse -- takin ya first steps already!
That dumbass doc said it would take a few yeers. Pshaw.
Bada-bing...back to dah hospital!

 

by umfumdisi
12-11-16
Whatcha got there?
Horse doovers.
I can't take you anywhere.
I thought horse doovers were bigger than that.

 

Rock N Roll lyrics make so much sense now.
See how high I can kick Mr. Otis?
by umfumdisi, 12-11-16

 

by umfumdisi
12-12-16
Allo! You must be my new partner.
Yes, I'm Murican Dave, the American police cop.
Just look at all the paperwork it took to get you across the pond, Dave.
Amazing.
~\ Paperwork, there's nothing better! Paperwork, down to the letter. Filling forms in triplicate, makes me want to masturbate! /~
I'm going to have to write you up for that one -- write you a thumbs up in my blog, that is!

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-16
Good evening everyone
Bear with me as I'm a bit nervous; this is my first time doing stand-up
...on Uranus!

 

by umfumdisi
12-18-16
I'm sorry you lost the office beauty contest.
*sniff* It's okay.
I got you these flowers...
Oh?
Even though your face looks like a rhino's ballsack.

 

by umfumdisi
12-18-16
Stardate 1642.0: I've entered an apparent head shop in Denver, Colorado, USA.
I'm here to procure some illicit drugs so Spock's ass will "lighten up".

 

You bring the stuff?
Really?
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

If only I had an inflatable pink donkey...
Really?
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

I'd join you guys if I could find a sheet.
Really?
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

Glabal warming is a media-driven fallacy.
Really?
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

Everything's a dollar!
Really? Everything?
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm a level 54 stealth archer!
Really!
by umfumdisi, 12-20-16

 

Sh-should I put it in the tailpipe?
by umfumdisi, 12-23-16

 

I HATE THAT THX SOUND EFFECT!!
WHAT?
by umfumdisi, 12-23-16

 

93 hours left, folks. I ain't done yet.
by umfumdisi, 12-28-16

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-16
Chess-gram.
Oh goody! Who is it from?
Your ex-wife.
That doesn't sound promising.
She says you're too dumb to mate.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-16

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-16
Pssst. Rena. I've come to break you out.
Due to my poor depth perception, I cannot tell if I'm inside this cell or outside of it.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-16
Remember when Jimmy got humped by that goat?
Yup.

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-17
Am I on the fence? Technically, I guess I am two-dimensional.
So, to answer your question, yes, I am on the fence.
But I asked you to marry me.

 
by umfumdisi, 1-16-17

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-17
Why are you nailing yourself to my door?
Martyrdom?
Yes, Marty, that is dumb.
*sigh*
I a-door you.

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-17
Nice, yes. Right there. Harder! Slower. Faster!
Almost there? Me, too!
Unh, unh, unh, unh. Oooooooooooh yeah!
Eeeeeee-gah! You really know how to handle a stick.
Why is the congregation staring at us?
I don't know, the apostles came together in one Accord.

 

WHEN SHE WANT NINE BUT YOU ONLY GOT SIX
by umfumdisi, 1-16-17

 

WHEN SHE SAY SHE LIKE IT ROUGH
by umfumdisi, 1-16-17

 

WHEN BIRNAM WOOD COMES TO DUNSINANE
by umfumdisi, 1-16-17

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-17
Does this count?
Guess we'll never snow for sure...
Pretty, the city...
covered in snow?
This must be the place!
There's snow telling.

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-17
America, I promise to build that wall! Just be aware that it will not happen overnight.
In the meantime, we will block the flow of illegals with something even more obtrusive and confusing...
my hair!

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-17
OMG! Frozen caveman hipster wannabe is now chic?
I must have been asleep at the fashion wheel!
Well, latte-dah.

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-17
Have you tried super fresh moisture happy Bum Gun???
What is Bum Gun? It sounds safe and sanitary!
It is, dirty taint sister! Bum Gun blows fecal matters out of your life for ever. Wave 'soo long' to messy toilet papers!
But Soo Long is my best sibling?
Then say 'bye bye' to other hangers-on about your anus. Blow them away -- with spray!
Bum Gun is top harvest life product for sanitary livestyle. Please take my income!

 

by umfumdisi
1-28-17
This is where they found Mommy's body, Walter.
Remember when you told me that for you to come to life I had to kill someone?
Why aren't you alive yet, Walter?

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
Are you sure you don't remember anything about the night your mother was stabbed to death...
98 times in the abdomen and legs with cut marks at angles consistent with someone of your exact height, Lucy?
Nope. Walter and I were asleep.
And Walter is your?
Bear.

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
Later that night...
Oh, Walter, things would be ever so much better if you came to life like you said you would. Oh well, goodnight.
I'm alive! Sorry, Lucy, no one must know my secret.

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
And those are all the details, Detective Kaufman. Two females are dead, but one bear is missing and presumed alive and dangerous!
Guess we'll have to put out an APB.
Of cou --
All Points Bear-etin
Impersonating a forum user, punning without a license and criminal audience negligence -- that's two years in the slammer for you.
It was worth it, see? I'll do it again as soon as I get out, copper. You can't stop me!

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
I need blood to live!
Technically, all mammals do.
Wait? How did you become a talking horse?
"Lucy" is just short for Lucifer.
So, Lucy is this guy who can't die, man?
Yes. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

 

Dear Suicidal Loner, We just changed the sheets and vacuumed, so we would appreciate it if you didn't hang yourself over the bed or from the light fixture.
The shower curtain rod is pretty sturdy. Plus, if you shit yourself, it will be easier to clean up. Thank you for recycling! Sincerely, Housekeeping
by umfumdisi, 1-29-17

 

One-by-one, Captain Turkey Shorts led the homeless out of the city...
by umfumdisi, 1-29-17

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Hepatitis C
Hepatitis C Who?
Hepatitis C U at the hospital!
Oh boy, more drugs!

 

by umfumdisi
1-29-17
What's in the box?!? What's in the box?!?
A head
OH GOD NO!
...of cabbage.

 

I found Trump's tax return!
by umfumdisi, 1-29-17

 

by umfumdisi
2-01-17
JC!! HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN MY CLOSET!
Never fear, little one, JC is here!
Never fear, little one, JC is here!
Jesus Christ, one of us has to change names!
I thought you already did, John Cougar.

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-17
I did change my name to John Cougar Mellencamp, but then I changed it back -- for...legal reasons.
Whatevs. I can't change my name; it's in books and everything!
Could one of you shut up and help me already?
Shhhhhhhhhh! Grownups are speaking.
Patience child, as long as R. Kelly isn't in there, you're fine.

 

by umfumdisi
2-21-17
I'm leaving for work. Don't get too sidetracked. You're picking up my parents at 3:00.
A happy wife is a happy life!
Just be yourself -- but not too much yourself.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Sigh - I'll take off work and pick them up myself. Where will you be all weekend?
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!

Showing page 34.

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