All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
4-26-03
this is getting boring. i guess it's really over.
we captured tarik aziz, that's something.
big whoop. another old fart with glasses like george burns.
everybody at kerbala seems free.
hey, here's something. majnoon.
majnoon? oh i see. the french iraqi oilfield?

 

by Cobb
4-26-03
yeah. majnoon is the biggest iraqi oilfield. the french have dibs.
so that's why they want to drop the un administration of oil for food.
what do you think? will people care?
it is kinda complicated.
it needs a soundbite. how about oil weasel?
no wait. greasel!

 

by Cobb
4-26-03
'axis of greasel'. i like it. who else is trying to get oil but didn't support the war?
why do you care? you were against the war.
look. the war's over, i need something else to blog about. i'm invested in this meme.
ok. ok. calm down. let's see here. russia lost a deal for the west qurna. i guess that rules them out.
hmm. but it explains why they still want to talk about wmd.
hell. we need two more for a real axis.

 

by Cobb
5-01-03
i've been looking for you. where have you been?
er.. uhm, sorta busy i guess.
so do you have a list i can check out? i'm really excited.
well, about those iraqi antiquities?
yes! yes! what did you find?
liberation is harder than it sounds.

 

by Cobb
5-01-03
what do you mean bidding war?
we're in a bidding war for 'king antenna'. it's very complicated.
you mean the statue of king entemena?
of course, but we're dealing with black market art theives here. you can't be too careful.
so did you sell my c.b. radio on ebay yet?
you're not going to believe this..

 

by Cobb
5-01-03
this is unbelievable. have you any idea how much that statue is worth?
the bidding is at 1500 right now.
how can we be sure it's the real thing?
well, you're iraqi, i figured you'd know these things.
and i suppose you can tell the real constitution from a fake?
of course! the fakes all have little copyright symbols.

 

by Cobb
5-01-03
so how is our bid doing?
the current price is 1600. we're in a running battle between two other bidders. how much can i spend?
we only have 1750. maybe this isn't such a good idea.
are you kidding? i don't want to get outbid by some guys named 'big ben' and 'rubber duck'.
i've got a bad feeling about this.
who are you, han solo?

 

by Cobb
5-01-03
we've been through this before. 'cobra 184' is the code for iraq, 1894. 'king sized antenna' we know.
..but..
notice how he spells 'gold lEaDS', EDS is for ernest de sarzac, the french vice-council of bassorah.
..but..
the arabs stole antiquities from him in 1894!
..but doesn't that say 'cobra 148'?

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
so you're saying all my internet sluething has got me bidding 1700 dollars for a c.b. radio?
not iraqi antiquities.
uhm. we're the leading bid now. the auction closes in 45 minutes.
we've got to convince somebody else to get involved, or we're going to have to foot the bill for this entire iraqi fiasco.
do you know any bulgarians?
no, but i do have a cousin whose last name is blair.

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
..and so now we own a 1700 dollar c.b. radio.
that you thought was a mesopotamian statue.
we misinterpreted.
can i laugh now?

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
i got what?
1700. the winning bidder is named 'iraqi freedom'.
that's a strange name for an antique electronics collector. oh well, when can we collect?
we wait for this pay pal account money thing then we ship.
i just love america.
your last name is barnum, right?

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
i have heard that you won in the bidding. this is excellent news.
perhaps not. we're not sure that we will be getting the actual statue.
i know you were worried. it's ok. i have found an expert.
you did? oh.
you look unusually pale.
i'm. i'm just so overwhelmed by the speed at which this has taken place.

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
i'd like to ask you more questions.
i didn't think i'd see you again.
well you helped make me the head man for gay polling.
there's actually a department of gay polling?
i've even got a male secretary.
progress is progress.

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
on a scale of 1 to 5, how deviant would you consider the sex acts you regularly engage in?
well, that depends on what you mean by regularly.
well, considering the average couple has sex twice a week..
average gay couple?
duh. i said average couple.
you haven't changed much, i see.

 

by Cobb
5-03-03
ok. skip the degree question. let's just assume you are average. for.. you know.
the average homo.
uh, right. question two: has your opinion of the republican party changed in light of senator santorum's statements?
no, i'd say things are about the same for me. i still think you are cute.
question three: how many families would you estimate your deviant sex acts have destroyed?
but i haven't really finished answering question two..

 

by Cobb
5-04-03
please answer the third question. how many families has your deviant behavior destroyed?
look. i don't know what you're talking about. i didn't even pay attention to santorum. i'm just gay, not political.
but surely you want your opinion to be represented in washington.
do i need a lobby just to keep you from minding my business?
the people of america need to know that they are safe.
they can always lock themselves into their closets.

 

by Cobb
8-13-03
you look kinda depressed.
well. i learned how to fly a predator, but..
and now that you're back home, nobody appreciates the work you've done in iraq.
hey, it wasn't my job to find them.
yeah, you were just following orders.

 

by Cobb
8-13-03
it's been about 3 months. what's new in the blogosphere?
oh a lot of warbloggers have shut down. maureen dowd thinks we're passe.
but doesn't howard dean have a blog?
yeah but it isn't brilliant.
he hasn't blogrolled you has he?
or one measly trackback. is that so hard?

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
hey guess what?
uh oh, you've got that happy face...
yeah. i'm in love again.
you've recovered nicely.
uh, yeah you could say that.
oh no, not the same guy again.

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
i can't believe that you've gone back to that clown. after what he did to you.
that's all in the past. he's a whole new man now.
let me guess, he made a pile in the pornos and now he wears a suit.
even better than that. he's entirely respectable. he's in politics.
yeah right. is he running for governor of california or something?
oh i forgot, you actually read the newspaper.

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
so can you do it?
you gotta be kidding me.
$5000 says i'm not kidding. so are you going to build it or what?
well, my html is a little rusty but i think i can do it.
that's the spirit. the people have to have a choice, you know.
yeah, but we really should change the domain name from circus-porno.com

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
no. i don't want you to change circus-porno.com or any of my porno sites. just modify the popups.
oh i get it. they go to circus-porno.com and get redirected..
yes. but give them a little porno first.
..and they end up at your political site.
brilliant, huh?
uh huh. hey do you actually know any of these chicks?

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
your name recognition is off the charts in the male demographic.
straight and gay?
they are about even. but you really can't mention the gay vote.
what have i got to lose?
i see your point.
what about with the catholics and episcopalians?

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
wow. look how this guy is polling. unbelievable.
it's disgusting. he's not talking about the issues. he has no agenda.
yeah but he's got tons of money and he knows how to work the media. i mean he's in the business.
he probably can't even pronounce 'budget deficit' with that accent.
accent? you're talking about the porno guy right?
no, you idiot! arnold schwartzenegger.

 

by Cobb
8-14-03
the lights are out.
ya think?
you know this could be a really big opportunity.
what are you talking about?
we just have to insinuate that it's gray davis' fault.
you truly are brilliant, mr. rove!

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
what do you believe taxes are for?
what kind of idiot question is that?
we are re-evaluating our position. let me phrase it this way. what would you say is the best use of tax dollars are?
obviously, military spending.
so that kind of tax increase is ok?
sorta, but only if you use it to bomb the crap out of somebody who deserves it.

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
so let's say we had a theoretical tax increase to pay for military spending.
ok. to fight more terrorists.
yes. through the office of homeland security.
well, would you be cutting entitlements too?
uhm, well. they're actually already gone.
now wait a minute...

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
so you're saying that all of the entitlements and social programs are gone? we'd actually have to raise more money?
not exactly, but we'd have to squeeze so many programs that no congressman could get any pork at all.
so what? don't they have term limits anyway? get new ones in.
we've tried. but unless they can deliver pork, they'll get no big corporate sponsors.
let them use their own money.
we're actually running out of rich people.

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
ok. try deficit spending. uhm lower the interest rates, play with the trade deficit, kill medicare do something. just don't raise taxes.
we've done all of that, but it looks like math isn't on our side.
aha! it's the liberal math teachers.
i hadn't thought of that.
jeez. you mean you haven't purged them from the congressional budget office? what kind of majority party are you?
hey, it's not easy trying to please some of the people all of the time.

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
hey babe, how's it going?
honey we need to talk.
uh oh. what did i do this time?
you're 2 points behind larry flynt in the latest california polls.
yeah but i'm 2 feet ahead of gary coleman.
is everything a joke to you?

 

by Cobb
8-17-03
you know i've been thinking about us.
here it comes.
and i think we need space. you know, to see other people.
what did i do wrong? i love you!
no. no it's not you. it's me.
it's gallagher isn't it?

 

by Cobb
8-18-03
so you're going to dump him?
i should. but i really believed him this time.
c'mon. he's no worse than the other guys.
i guess you're right. i could at least wait until after the election.
is he really polling ahead of gallagher?
only in 4 counties but that's not so bad.

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
i didn't think i'd see you around here.
i decided not to go back to iraq after all.
don't you want to play a part in the liberation?
sure. everybody wants to. but so many things have gone wrong.
yeah like those 'antiquities' you bought.
that's still a sore subject with me, ok?

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
more car bombs.
i'm so sorry for those poor people.
serves 'em right. whose side are you on anyway?
nobody should suffer like that.
since when did you get domesticated?
endangered species act of 1973.

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
the endangered species act doesn't apply to a simple duck like you.
someday it might. i'm just taking the long view.
which is that humans will hunt you down to a handful.
at least i don't live in a cage meanwhile.
let me out then.
like i could trust you.

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
i've got you figured out, duck. you're a sellout.
humans are my friends.
a turncoat, an uncle tom. duck on the outside, human on the inside.
i consider that a compliment.
you realize this makes you complicit in my oppression.
you've been reading too much maya angelou.

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
the simple fact is that humans rule. the sooner you realize it the better off you'll be.
argh! you're hopelessly brainwashed. you disgust me.
what good has all of your hatred done?
it has clarified my thinking. i understand the true nature of things. you live in a fantasy world.
with all the breadcrumbs i can eat.
you probably can't even swim.

 

by Cobb
8-21-03
i wonder if you mind answering a few questions. you know from a black perspective.
i cannot believe this guy doesn't remember me.
how have the charges against kobe bryant affected your sense of right and wrong?
actually, i'm a soccer fan. i don't follow much basketball.
so if he's found guilty you won't participate in rioting?
didn't i just say i was a soccer fan?

 

by Cobb
8-27-03
i don't get it.
it's a joke. i'm a soccer fan. soccer fans riot for no reason at all. it has nothing to do with kobe.
so chances are that if kobe is found guilty, then you'll riot.
as a soccer fan. not as a black man.
my surveys only have racial checkboxes.
i never thought i'd agree with ward connerly.

 

by Cobb
8-27-03
have you left that clown yet?
no way. haven't you heard? bill simon dropped out of the race.
so your man will do better than 100th place. so impressive.
he's switching tactics and denouncing his former life. it will make him the #3 conservative.
a born again clown pornographer.
i'm reading up on tammy faye.

 

by Cobb
8-29-03
have you been keeping out of trouble? no interventions? the planet seems fairly calm.
well, not exactly an intervention. more like a correspondance.
ok so what did you do this time?
well, i decided to answer some muslim prayers.
let me guess. iraqis who wanted americans to live without electricity.
pretty cool huh? you should hear what the north koreans are praying for.

 

by Cobb
8-29-03
do me a favor. stay away from north korean prayers ok?
i'm sorry but anal probing just doesn't do it for me any longer.
how about crop circles? you really used to like crop circles.
that's so 2002. i've got to try something new and exciting.
but we can't do things that humans can't take credit for.
exactly. that's why i'm thinking "democracy".

 

by Cobb
8-29-03
democracy is the perfect place for us to play. we can make all kinds of bizzare things happen.
and the humans will think it's all their own doing. i like that.
it satisfies our desire to play with humans.
without actually breaking the conditions of our exile to this god forsaken rock.
hey wait. you sound like you already thought of this.
well, i have been to california recently.

 

by Cobb
8-31-03
so what should we make of this al qaeda connection to the saudis?
that depends. do i get to blame bush?
no.
wealth and greed?
no.
well then the ball's in your court.

 

by Cobb
8-31-03
so how's the race going? what's new?
couldn't be better. we're playing up the bustamante racism angle.
but he's latino, they can't be racist can they?
that's just it. anything he does to get latino votes can be spun as racist.
cool. i never thought you could be so resourceful.
hey, the porn industry makes you develop an edge.

 

by Cobb
9-01-03
were you ever a member of a radical political organization in college?
no way. i want the record to show that i was in no political organizations in college. none whatsoever.
so you have nothing to apologize for, other than your porno career?
nothing. and you have already forgiven me on that score.
how does he do it?
nobody knows he's hispanic.

 

by Cobb
9-01-03
..so if you out him as hispanic you think it would kill his campaign.
but she'll hate me because she thinks i'm jealous.
but is it right to use a personal smear against a political candidate because you don't like him peronally?
i think personal smears are unethical in politics.
but for you it actually is personal.
dilemma.

 

by Cobb
9-01-03
i don't know. this election is so crazy maybe it won't matter. after all, he was into circus porno.
but that turned out not to be a big liability.
say. how do you know he's hispanic anyway?
well...i really don't want to say.
is it something sexual?
i think i should just go home now.

 

by Cobb
9-01-03
schwartzenegger bashes gays. he said 'fag'.
bustamante is a racist. he said 'nigger'.
FAG!
NIGGER!
this is kinda fun!
yeah i know. we need to find somebody who said 'cunt'!

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
so mr. spy guy. what's new? kill any humans lately?
my handler wants me to chill out for now.
but you could be doing wetwork in north korea. or zimbabwe. or saudi arabia.
too unilateral. no interest. too soon.
aha. gotcha. saudi arabia soon.
you're lucky people don't find you credible.

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