All comics by Externalization

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by Externalization
7-21-05
I'll have the boned chicken.
Excellent choice, madam. I'll inform the specialist who's in charge of preparing that dish.
Oh, my sweet Billina... how I've longed for this day.
Just think of England. Think of England.

 

by Externalization
7-21-05
Did you see Batman Begins Again yet?
Yeah, I finally forced myself to watch it.
What did you think of it?
Not bad, I guess. Definately better than that last Batman movie I saw. What was that one called?
Daredevil?
That's the one.

 

by Externalization
7-22-05
Why isn't Scott Weiland here yet? I thought he would have died by now.
That no-talent shit better not let me catch him here!
Wow, you really hate Stone Temple Pilots that much?
I don't care about STP. It's Velvet Revolver. No junkie asshole gets away with making my Guns n' Roses suck!
Um... what about Axl?
Well he's obviously the one exception.

 

by Externalization
7-25-05
Social mores, customs, and traditions are artificially constructed, not divinely or biologically established.
Human culture ends up supplanting our natural instincts to such an extent that we mistake it for our physical nature.
The masses are led to believe that the social world is an absolute given when, in reality, it was manufactured.
When society and culture become objectified and deified, we become biproducts of our own creation.
Humans experience alienation when they forget that they created society and feel powerless to change it.
Look, I said I want the toilet seat down and it's staying down!

 

by Externalization
8-03-05
♫ At Gitmo, in Cuba, oh, I'm gonna harm ya. With rape and with torture, come on now, Osama. ♫
♫ I have no faith in this penal institution. I'd rather submit to lawful prosecution. ♫
♫ We'll put out to sea and we'll perfect our brutality. ♫
♫ By and by you'll defy a little bit of legality. ♫
♫ Ooooh, I wanna take you down to Guantanamo. We'll beat you hard and then we'll kill you slow. ♫
♫ That's why I don't wanna go down to Guantanamo. ♫

 

by Externalization
8-05-05
So 50 Cent's biography is coming out soon.
Yeah, I've read it nine times already.
What? That's impossible. It's not even in stores yet. Why would you even say something like that when it's so obviously not true?
Oh, I get it.
Had you going for a second there, huh?

 

by Externalization
8-13-05
You still don't have a cell phone?
No, I'm not a big fan of that brain cancer.
Oh, that information's out of date. Scientists already disproved the theory about the alleged link between cell phone radiation and cancer.
You know, you take me way too literally sometimes.

 

by Externalization
8-25-05
God, if this bitch shakes her ass any more, it'll fall off!
That's all right, I'd be happy to pick it up for her.
Hey! I read these comics, you know!
Shit!

 

by Externalization
8-31-05
What do you think about this Kate Nauta chick who's supposed to be playing Stacy X in X-Men 3?
You`re telling me that of the myriad of characters populating the rich 42 year X-Men history, they chose Stacy fucking X for the movie?
Oh, well, you know... it's probably just a small cameo or something.
This is a travesty! How about including Psylock, Bishop, Dazzler, Moonstar and Quicksilver before jumping to their worst character?
Yeah, I was also reading today that New Orleans was completely destroyed in a hurricane...
Longshot! Maddrox! Cannonball! Havok! Polaris! Sunfire! Thunderbird! Warpath! Banshee! Marrow! Northstar! This is bullshit!

 

by Externalization
9-02-05
The historical birthplaces of jazz, zydeco, Mardi Gras, the whole Cajun and Creole cultures, all taken from the world in one fell swoop.
Not to mention that Star Trek continuity is ruined now. Captain Sisko was supposed to be from New Orleans.
You must have been really devastated when the Communist rule collapsed in the Soviet Union.
No kidding! Chekov was from Leningrad, not "St. Petersburg!"

 

Hi. It`s us.
We`ve come home to roost.
by Externalization, 9-11-05

 

by Externalization
9-18-05
Have you ever had a gay erotic dream?
Well, two nights ago I dreamt that my cock was being sucked by Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Of course, it`s important to differentiate between dream confusion and an erotic inverted dream. Sexual imagery often symbolizes non-erotic desires and shouldn`t be taken literally.
Hello?

 

by Externalization
9-20-05
How can you claim to be all anti-socialist but still say that Dead Prez is your favorite band?
I decided not to let one issue ruin it for me when they`re so right about everything else.
But you always say that I destroy all my credibility by calling myself a socialist. Why`s that different?
You really live by the dogma. Hip hop is only riding this "socialist" trend because it`s highly marketable to rich kids.
Wow, is there any aspect of pop culture or media that you believe in?
Hey, can I borrow your Che Guevara shirt this weekend? I need something to wear to Hempfest.

 

by Externalization
9-23-05
New Orleans, recently wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, was finally pronounced "basically dry" by the Army Corps of Engineers.
No sooner had that been announced when Hurricane Rita unexpectedly changed direction, threatening the city once again.
Tell you one thing, that Voodoo shit ain't nothin' to fuck with!

 

by Externalization
10-10-05
What is it with you and mosh pits, anyway?
Your approach to moshing mirrors your approach to life. You either jump in where the action is or stand on the side while it passes you by.
You`re telling me you apply your whole life philosophy of embracing all energy and destroying all fear to how you behave at concerts?
Life is like a Pantera concert: You either move, or you get moved.
Or you get shot.
Now you`re just trying to miss the point!

 

by Externalization
10-12-05
What`s with these rumors that Abraham Lincoln was gay? Do you buy that?
I don`t know. I`ve read some compelling evidence, but nothing firm enough to entirely convince me yet.
He was a pretty tall guy, wasn`t he? I`m guessing he was packing quite a log.
Look, if you don`t want to have a serious historical discussion with me, just say so, all right?

 

by Externalization
10-17-05

 

by Externalization
10-17-05
Ah, isn`t this the life, kicking back and enjoying our recent influxes of "unexpected" disposable income?
I`ll say! Where did yours come from, anyway?
My Carlyle and Haliburton stock has been ejaculating like Krakatoa ever since 9-11.
I see. Well I just got a huge insurance settlement after my oceanfront house was leveled by Katrina.
Wow, you`ve got to let me in on the secret, Senator. How did you manage to stage a hurricane?

 

by Externalization
10-18-05
I didn`t act on insider information. I wanted to divest myself of shares to avoid a conflict of interest while preparing for a presidential campaign.
One... two...
I didn't know if I had HCA stock in the blind trust. I acted properly at every point.
Three... four...
I am cooperating fully with the inquiries under way. I am absolutely confident of the outcome itself.
Five... six... That`s SIX! Six lies! AH HA HA HA HA!

 

by Externalization
10-18-05

 

by Externalization
10-20-05
Oh my!
HO HO HO HO HO! There`s never a time when that doesn`t make me laugh!

 
by Externalization, 10-20-05

 

by Externalization
10-20-05
I offer you this one last chance to join the dark side, youngling.
No! There is still good in you! I can feel it!

 

by Externalization
10-20-05
That`s warm.

 

by Externalization
10-20-05
And you`re sure you have no idea what happened to him?

 
by Externalization, 10-20-05

 

by Externalization
10-26-05
My last patient was so eager to get pregnant that she sabotaged a condom.
One change of heart and a back-alley abortion later, life was back to normal.
The needle giveth, the needle taketh away.

 

by Externalization
10-26-05
With my time machine I`ve seen Moses part the sea, Joan d`Arc ride into battle, Newton hit by an apple, Oswald shooting Kennedy...
...Lady Godiva`s naked horseride, the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, Crapper inventing the flush toilet...
Really? Has it ever let you witness anything that wasn`t a made-up fairy tale?
Um... how about the time I had a temporal lobe epileptic seizure in a phone booth? Was that real?

 

by Externalization
11-04-05
One of my men has been admitted here. I`ve come to visit him.
You must mean McCoy. Split personality. Thinks he`s Spock. Third door on the left.
Poor fellow. I hear he`s fruity as a nutcake.
Oh, wait...
You must want Mr. Sulu. Second door on the right.

 

by Externalization
11-04-05
Speedy delivery.
Meow meow hi, Mr. McFeely. Meow are you today?
Hi, Fred. Look, PBS`s threatening to give us the axe if we don`t get more pledges coming in...
Meow meow sorry, but Mr. Rogers not at home right meow. He`s having Make Believe.
Cut the shit, Fred. This is important.
Can`t you read between the lines, McFeely? Leave the man alone when he`s getting ass!

 

by Externalization
11-10-05
I enjoy most holidays, but I rarely agree with the patriotic or religious motives behind them.
Snow days are always better, like an unexpected gift that fell from the sky.
It`s the same reason why natural disasters are more fun then terrorist bombings.

 

by Externalization
12-03-05
Have you heard the Good News?
Yes, I have.
Really? That God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall have everlasting life?
No, that the strict authoritarian nature of inherently intolerant belief systems is ultimately self-defeating, thus rendering them obsolete.
Oh, and that Emperor`s going back on tour soon.

 

by Externalization
12-28-05
I'm here with John Walsh, who's managed to parley personal tragedy into a multi-million dollar vehicle to stardom.
Watch out, dirtbags! America's crime fighter is here to show you that the scum can't hide from vigilante mob justice!
Do you really perform a " public service" by pandering to the public's lowest voyeuristic urges and indulging in manic self-aggrandizement?
Yes! When my son was kidnapped and beheaded, it inspired me to become a hero, fighting for paranoia, sensationalism, and the Fox way.
Would it be fair to say, then, that the murder of your son was...
The best $500 I ever spent? You bet!

 

by Externalization
12-30-05
You`ve got to love some of the link descriptions in these pornographic banner ads.
"Pregnant cheerleader caught inserting vegetables on hidden taxi camera."
Somewhere in the world, someone is pulling one off to that picture right now.
"Twin Asian ladyboys with braces giving foot jobs."
Vivé le Internet!
"Chubby schoolgirl defecating in a coffee pot."

 

by Externalization
1-13-06
Despite having been dead for two years now, Marlon Brando will be reprising his role as Jor-El in the upcoming Superman movie.
If those Hollywood special effects people were really ambitious, they could bring back Christopher Reeves, too.
You know, as Bizarro.

 

by Externalization
1-13-06
The trend of digitally editing dead or otherwise incapacitated actors into films is all the rage these days.
In his new movie, Superman battles Sgt. Luger, The Human Torch, The Flying Horseman, and The Shrieking Banshee.
Played by George Reeves, Richard Pryor, Christopher Reeves, and Margot Kidder, respectively.

 

by Externalization
1-13-06
It has been called to the author`s attention that those last two Superman comics may have been in "poor taste."
I can see your point. Christopher Reeves is probably spinning in his grave right now.
At super speed. Causing earthquakes. Making people fall from their horses.

 

by Externalization
1-14-06
Bela Lugosi was buried in his Dracula costume.
I vant to zuck your blood!
As Johnny Weismüller was being lowered into the ground, a recording of his Tarzan yell was played.
Ahh-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHH!
So when Leonard Nimoy dies, wouldn`t it only be fair to have him stuffed inside a photon torpedo and fired at planet Genesis?
Climb the steps, Jim. Climb the steps of Mt. Seleyah.
What the devil are you talking about?

 

by Externalization
1-15-06
According to Marlon Brando`s IMDb profile, he`s "widely considered the greatest movie actor of all time."
I think they meant to say that he`s "greatly considered the widest movie actor of all time."

 

by Externalization
1-16-06
Here it is, January 16th.
Time for my annual Martin Luther King Day tradition.
Jerking off to a picture of Halle Berry.

 

by Externalization
1-24-06
So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been dating for about a year now.
Now Jolie has announced that she`s pregnant.
If anyone cares to loan me a hacksaw and a large pair of pliers, I can show you the world`s sexiest fetus.

 

by Externalization
1-25-06
Did you know that David Lee Roth was chosen to replace Howard Stern?
Yeah. You know I wanted the large order of fries, right?
He`s bombing, though. All anyone can talk about is how he doesn`t have what it takes to fill the original guy`s shoes.
Don`t forget to hold the pickles, okay?
It`s about time that arrogant blow-hard learned what it`s like to live in the shadow of a giant!
Look, I`d really appreciate it if you could get me my food now, Mr. Hagar.

 

by Externalization
2-09-06
Great White`s manager may have to do 10 years over the 100 people killed in that nightclub fire a few years back.
After reading about the victims in the papers, I feel that what happened to them warrants far more than a mere plea bargain.
Really? You? You sympathize with people who were burned to death?
Of course not. I live in Hell. 100 mortals being torched doesn`t faze me.
What is it that bothered you about the news, then?
Now the whole world will always know that they were Great White fans.

 

What do you call it when a lawyer gets shot in the face by the Vice President?
A good start.
by Externalization, 2-13-06

 

by Externalization
2-13-06
I`m here at the scene of today`s gristly hunting accident, where Vice President Dick Cheney shot a lawyer...
Hold on, we`ve just obtained evidence that the Vice President was not at fault in this incident.
What sort of evidence?
This note was handed to Mr. Cheney just prior to the shooting, apparently by a third party hoping to coerce him.
What on Earth could it possibly say?
"It`s lawyer season, Doc."

 

by Externalization
2-13-06
Dick Cheney won`t get in any real trouble for shooting that guy.
He`ll use all his money and power to assemble the greatest team of lawyers the world has ever seen. They`ll get him off.
And in exchange, he`ll hunt them all for sport.

 

by Externalization
2-13-06
Mr. Cheney, why did you shoot that lawyer?
I thought he was a quail.
Do you mean to tell me that you can`t tell the difference between a lawyer and a quail?
Well, I have a test that usually helps me, but I guess it didn`t work this time.
Say, would you mind taking your bill and sticking it up your ass?
Sure, I`d love to!

 

by Externalization
4-01-06
"I am quite certain there are going to be dissertations written about the mistakes of the Bush administration. I know we've made tactical errors, thousands of them, I'm sure."
You can`t go saying things like that out in public where someone might hear you! You have to do something about this or the media will have my tit in a vice!
But it`s too late. The British press are all over it. What kind of spin could I possibly put on this now?
Um... April Fool`s!

 

by Externalization
4-09-06
Ever look in a toilet and see those brown streaks at the bottom that`ll never go away no matter how hard you try to wash the damn thing?
I never expected to see them in a urinal!
That`ll be the last time I ever use the church restroom, I`ll tell you that much.

 

by Externalization
4-09-06
NASA has just obtained a dozen new high resolution photos of the Martian surface thanks to the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.
The orbiter has spent a month circling the red planet on a $720 million mission.
Here at NASA, we take Where`s Waldo seriously!

Showing page 4.

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