All comics by Pandeist

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by Pandeist
12-30-16
Um.... Dad.... need some help here.
Jesus Christ!! What the hell?
I have no idea -- I was just trying to nail these boards together to make a hobby horse, and the next thing you know....

 

by Pandeist
5-21-17
Go tell the Israelites, I command them to slay the Amalakites!! Kill them all!! Slay both man and woman, infant and suckling!! Ox and camel!! And do the same to the Samarians!! And the Midianites!!
I command them to rip open the pregnant women!! Dash the little ones against the ground!! Oh!! Oh!! I'M COMING!!!! I'M COMING SO HARD!!!!
Wait -- you were jerking off this entire time?
Yes, but if you think about it, that's the least offensive thing I've done in this comic.

 

by Pandeist
8-31-17
In today's history class we are going to cover the history of the South.
We can fit the entire history of the South into one day of history class?
Sure, since it only lasted four years. Nothing happened in the South before 1861, or after 1865.
Wow, so we'd better protect those monuments, since there's nothing else to memorialize!!

 

by Pandeist
2-21-18

 

by Pandeist
2-21-18
I'm with the administration. We got your letters threatening horrific public violence.
So you're here to arrest me?
Hell no!! We're here to give you a bunch more guns. We'd be grateful for the distraction.
Oh. I'll make you real proud, then.

 

SEE SOMETHING, ................................ SAY SOMETHING!! ...............................
Look, cows!!
by Pandeist, 3-30-18

 

Jesus!! What are you doing up there nailed to that cross?
*chortle chortle* I'm pulling the best Apil Fool's prank ever!! They'll be talking about this one for thousands of years!! LOLOL!!
by Pandeist, 3-31-18

 

by Pandeist
4-12-18
Your majesty, it is time to give names to all the fruits and vegetables of the world.
Easily done.
First, what shall we call that round orange tropical fruit which makes an excellent juice?
Ha!! As that fruit is orange in color, so we shall call it.... an orange!! Duh!!
Great. Ok, next. What do we call this one?
Oh shit.

 

by Pandeist
8-12-18
Pandeism is the theological proposition that the Creator of our Universe wholly became our Universe, exhausting the whole of its being in that process.
Elements of this conception were described even by some ancient civilizations. But the modern form was not delineated until late in the 19th Century.
An entity existing alone prior to the existence of our Universe can not have known what it was like to experience interactions with any other entities. Such knowledge was missing from it.
The most efficient means by which it could surmount this lack would be to wholly become a Universe designed to eventually give rise to some kind of life able to appreciate such experiences.

 

by Pandeist
8-12-18
A sufficiently powerful Creator would be able to set forth a Universe with laws of physics which, without further intervention after the moment of Creation, would become exactly as ours own appears.
A Universe populated by countless hundreds of billions of stars, each with its own potential worlds of life which we could interact with....
....and the capacity for intelligent life to discover ways to accellerate its own evolution through biology and technology, including creating its own artificial intelligence.
And so, nothing in our Universe is inconsistent with a pandeistic explanation.

 

by Pandeist
10-11-18
So, Bill, what would you describe as your biggest weakness?
Well, Bob, I'm exceedingly honest and forthright.
Bill, I don't think that's really a "weakness."
Well, Bob, I don't give a shit what you think.

 

"A poor person never gave anyone a job. A poor person never gave anybody charity, not of any real volume." ________ -- Jerry Falwell Jr., January 2019
"A person will be judged unholy if he does not have money, and hypocrisy will be accepted as virtue." _________ -- Prophecy about modernity from Hinduism's Srimad Bhagavatam 12.2.5
by Pandeist, 1-04-19

 

by Pandeist
1-06-19
Sorry, but you just haven't made anything close to a convincing logical argument why I ought to believe in your god.
Well if you don't accept MY religion as the truth then your life is just sad and empty. .... I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
Later....
Please, God, make me rich, and make my penis bigger, and give me an X-Box, and a pony. Oh, and all those sad people I can't convert -- make them SUFFER!!

 

by Pandeist
12-11-19
Behold, for I, God, have given you the Sun!! With energy enough to provide for all your needs while you shepherd the Earth!!
Hahahaha NO!! Fuck God!! Refuse his gift of the Sun, and seek power instead by digging down into my Pit, for fuel from fossilized death!!

 

Meet my friends, Smith and Wesson
Meet MY friends, Jack and Daniels
by Pandeist, 12-12-19

 

by Pandeist
12-13-19
Meet my friends, Smith and Wesson
Meet MY friends, Jack and Daniels
Meet MY friends, Ben and Jerry's!!
Later....
Actually that was some damned good ice cream.
That WAS damned good (uurp!!) ice cream.

 

by Pandeist
3-28-20
I don't believe in evolution. I've never seen monkeys evolve into humans.
I've seen it.

 

by Pandeist
3-30-20
President Trump gave up a LOT of political capital to make sure his name shows up in big letters on every Coronavirus relief check that gets sent.
Yes sir, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin. So, how would you like us to send out these payments?
Direct deposit.

 

by Pandeist
3-31-20
COVID-19 is God's punishment for society's acceptance of sexual immorality.
What do you mean "sexual immorality"?
Oh, you know. Adultery.... fornication.... but most of all the debaucherous gay lifestyle.
I can't help noticing you never include pedophilia.
You shut your mouth.

 
by Pandeist, 4-08-20

 

by Pandeist
10-06-20
Behold, evildoers!! For I am COVID-Man!! .......... (cough, cough) spreading COVID to evildoers across the land!!
Jesus Christ, President Trump!! Those aren't evildoers you're giving COVID to, they're your own campaign manager, press secretary, and closest advisors!!
(cough, cough, gasp)
No, wait, my bad. Yeah, those are all evildoers.

 

by Pandeist
1-21-21
I am feeling super today!!
In fact, I am feeling super-duper today!!
In fact, I am feeling super-duper- .... what else rhymes with super?
Pooper.

 

by Pandeist
3-09-21
> r u going out 2nite? ;)
> atm no
So is she going out tonite?
Nah bro, I think she's staying in instead and doing ass-to-mouth.

 

Why do you hate ATM machines so much?
I can never figure out which opening is supposed to be the mouth.
by Pandeist, 6-26-21

 

by Pandeist
6-26-21
Why is *this* the default, again?

 

Essays From the Universe Experiencing Itself -- on sale now in print and for Kindle at Amazon.com -- https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08KQ1NTL6/
by Pandeist, 6-26-21

 

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I hate living in the city.
WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW WWWW
by Pandeist, 6-26-21

 

by Pandeist
7-17-21
Okay ladies, start stripping off those clothes!!
Huh? Why are we stripping?
Because this is strippercreator!!
I'm not taking it off til I see those dollars!!
Wait, we get PAID for this?

 

by Pandeist
2-28-22
President Putin, this is Russian soldier. We have captured John Wick's dog in Ukraine.
Good. Kill it.
But President Putin, it's John Wick's--
I don't give a fuck whose it is, just kill the fucking thing.

 

by Pandeist
4-17-22
This flower smells so nice, but the pollen is making my nose itch!!
AH-TCHOOOO!!
OMG I am jizzing so fucking hard right now!!

 

by Pandeist
8-02-23
Hey buddy, aren't you hot, dressed like that in this crazy heat wave? It's 96 degrees!!
I'm not hot at all. -- I don't believe in "climate change" and therefore I deny that it is hot. In fact I'm a little bit chilly.
Dude, you're sweating like a pig. You're gonna make yourself sick.
I deny that these droplets of water coming out of my body are sweat. In fact, I think I'll go put on a coat.

 

If politicians acted in office like they do in political debates....
Mr. President, the Russians are bombing the fuck out of the capitol, what do we do?
Well, I'm glad you asked that question about grain subsidies.
by Pandeist, 8-23-23

 

by Pandeist
12-07-24
My right to pornography is protected by the Second Amendment.
Um, I think you mean the FIRST Amendment.
Nope. Second.
I see what you mean, there.

 

by Pandeist
6-08-25
Dude, are you telling the truth?
Bro, I promise. Cross my heart. ---- I swear at God.
You swear --at-- God? Dude, you're supposed to swear --to-- God.
Well then I might be in some trouble.

Showing page 4.

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