All comics by TheGovernor

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by TheGovernor
7-30-03
It was a dark and stormy night...
*Sigh, Its bad enough not having any ideas without resorting to stealing other peoples.
Hey why don’t you give it a rest for a while and come play American Football with me, so I can comically remove the ball at the last moment before you kick!
*Sigh!

 

by TheGovernor
8-14-03
Washington DC
New York
Chicago
Hey, whats with all the travelling?
I'm a mobile phone!

 

by TheGovernor
9-01-03
Hey Arnold! You want some smack dude, I got some cheap shit here, I'll give you the special mates rate..
Nah, thanks Gerald, but my parole officer says if I touch that shit again Ive got a one-way ticket back to Juvey..
Shit dude I dig it, Say, where's your bitch Helga? I thought you guys were tight 'n all after she sucked your dick off in 6th grade
She caught me fuckin Phoebe behind the bike shed last week, Bitch has no sense of loyalty, you know what am sayin?..
Fuck it dude, plenty more whores in the ocean, or something like that, now lets go steal your Grandpa's Painkillers and sell them to the 4th graders
I hear ya!

 

by TheGovernor
9-03-03
Welcome Sports fans from around the world to what is surely going to be the greatest match-up in sporting history..
That’s right Carl, tonight we have two legends of the field squaring off against each other for the first time in their competitive careers, its certainly has all the makings of a potential classic
Thanks Joe, that's right viewers tonights showdown between Helmut J McMiggins and Darwin "The Dil" Johnson will be the first time they've met each other in the ring, Why is this Joe?
Well Carl as reigning World RPS Champion; Helmut McMiggins has been tied to whomever the RPS governing body decide should have a crack at the title, and young Dil has certainly earned his shot..
Thats right, his record speaks for itself, 22 wins, 0 defeats since turning pro. He's certainly silenced a lot of his critics who didnt feel he would make it at top level in the sport
Yes its an amazing run, earning him the number one contenders spot. He's beaten some of the games seasoned veterans like Sparky Dougal and ex-WRPS champion Vic Spunge on his way up to this match..

 

by TheGovernor
9-03-03
..Yes The Dil versus Vic Spunge was an excellent match and a great advertisement for the sport, and is why this RPS match has been picked up on Pay-per-View by 2 billion people in over 100 countries.
..And it was shortly after the match that Vic announced his retirement from the sport. We sent our correspondent Jack Frood for an exclusive first interview since his retirement to find out why..
So Mr Spunge, after your match with The Dil, you told the world you were retiring, can I ask why you decided this was the time to leave?
Well this is a very competitive sport, and you not only need to be at peak physical condition, but your mental game has to be perfect. I felt my game had slipped since I lost the RPS crown to Helmut
Well thats true, after that epic battle with Helmut for the World Title, Vic didnt seem to be as motivated towards his fights. Rumour has it he cut his training schedule to just 4 weeks before matches
Yes Carl and at top flight that simply isn't enough to maintain form. As we all know Professional RPS players can take up to 6 months of intensive training to get fully prepared for matches

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
We'll shortly be bringing you live coverage of the bout, but first we have an important safety announcement.
That’s right Carl, we'd like to remind our viewers that these are trained professionals in RPS and that viewers should not attempt to mimic what they see at home.
Yes Joe, but what advice would you give to people who are interested in the sport and want to give it a go?
Well Carl there are many authorised RPS clubs across the country where you can go to learn the sport under the supervision of experienced instructors.
Yes, and I would like to say to those viewers who are keen to take the sport up that they ensure their club has been ratified by the RPS governing council.
Absolutely Carl, safety is a key factor here and the RPS governing council help to ensure this by only authorising those clubs that can meet their rigorous standards

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
Yes, we are just moments away from this epic bout between Helmut J McMiggans and Darwin "The Dil" Johnson, what are they fighting for tonight then Joe?
Well Carl, along with the prestigious World RPS title there is an estimated prize pool of $45 million, with $30 million going to the winner tonight and $15 million to the loser.
Some critics of the game argue that the sport has become too commercialised, with players getting excessive amounts of money in prizes and sponsorship deals what are your thoughts?
Well Carl with increasing TV revenues it is true players agents demanded a larger cut of the money brought in by these events, but a lot more is pumped back into the grass roots of the sport.
Yes Joe the RPS governing council have invested in improving the facilities at amateur clubs around the world indeed Darwin Johnson's rise through the sport can be attributed to this..
That’s right Carl, as an amateur player Darwin was one of the first to receive an RPS scholarship to assist him with his training, and the result is that he is now challenging for the World RPS crow

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
Ok, We're ready to go over to New York's Madison Square Garden where a capacity crowd are about to witness sporting history in the making
Yes, the competitors are in the Ring so we'll take you over there now...
..where the announcer is just beginning...
Ladies and Gentlemen This match is for the World RPS title, In the Blue Corner; weighing in at 160 pounds 3 ounces I give you the current World RPS Champion HELMUT JESUS MCMIGGANS!!
And in the Red Corner; the challenger, weighing in at just 70 pounds 4 ounces, currently unbeaten in 22 matches DARWIN "THE DIL" JOHNSON!!

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
..They're squaring off to face each other..
..The Bell has just rung and it begins.. Yes Carl; Helmut is giving Dil the legendary stare-off that has become such a big part of his game..
.. Dil doesn't look fazed by it, and is countering with the blank expression that threw many of his early opponents in his career..

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
.. Helmuts almost hypnotic glare is relentless, but Dil is holding his own... NO WAIT..
..Dil's flinched, his gaze has wandered, and Helmut looks firmly in control now, showing the sort of metal that made him champion..
.. Dil can still recover Joe, but Helmut can sense he has the upper hand now, although Dil is countering firmly, surely the end game can't be far off?..

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
..The tension is building now, and the crowd have gone quiet in anticipation..
..We've seen this look on Helmut before, and Dil is gesturing.. Yes Yes!, They are about to make their moves....
..YES THERE IT IS, it’s all over!..The crowd are going wild.. A great move by the champ!.. Paper beats Rock, and Helmut McMiggans is still World Rock Paper Scissors Champion!
*PAPER*
*ROCK*

 

by TheGovernor
9-08-03
..And that.. my young donkey friend.. is why bestiality is a sin.
Well Lucky Pete, the wedding's off
Why did the cream not work?
The rash has gone, but it still itches like crazy, and the red spots havent budged.
I warned you Cowboy Bob not to mix business with pleasure.

 

by TheGovernor
9-15-03
Astro Man! Sail To The Moon! Purple Haze, Up From The Skies!
No Surprises?
Ain't No Telling, Communication Breakdown.
You Got Me Floatin'
Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was

 

by TheGovernor
9-15-03
No Time This Time! Remember Astro Man, The Other Way Of Stopping. Ripcord, Airbag!
Walking on the Moon...De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da...
...Contact!

 

by TheGovernor
9-15-03
Hey Joe
Astro Man! My Friend.
Earthbound?
Planet Telex. So lonely! Earth Blues, Driven to Tears, Manic Depression!
Subterranean Homesick Alien!

 

by TheGovernor
9-15-03
Hey Hey What Can I Do?
Blow Out Astro Man, No Warning. Vrooom Vrooom, B'Boom!!
Come On, You Just In Limbo, In The Evening We're Gonna Groove!
Hey Joe, Everything In Its Right Place, Bring It On Home
Thank You Astro Man!

 

by TheGovernor
9-24-03
No more bloodshed in the Middle East!
Hi, I like your protest, sort of reminds me of this girl I used to know..
In what way?
Well she gave up a very profitable job working as a call-girl in New York in order to fulfill her dream of growing vegetables on a small farm in Arkansas
Why does our protest remind you of her?
She wanted to make Peas not Whore!

 

by TheGovernor
10-03-03
NEXT!

 

by TheGovernor
10-03-03
Remember Cat, If a fortified area is attacked, One's strength is compromised and vigor dampened. You can not attack the cage and win.
Yes but Crude yet quick Strategies have been known....
Dynamite for instance.

 

by TheGovernor
10-14-03
Well done Arnold, Im glad the Republican Party could help you to become Governor of California, and you didnt even need to rig the ballot, thats mighty grand
Thank you Mr President
But now I need you to do us a favour and use your Cyborg powers and go to Iraq to Terminate Saddam for me
Actually that was just a character I played in a movie, Im not really a cyborg killing machine..
WHAT! Why the heck did we back this guy then?,, Hey Powell, Get me Rambo, tell him we will give him a seat in the senate in exchange for killing Osama.

 

by TheGovernor
11-01-03
So did the SARS thing work out?
Not really, the dose wasn't strong enough, although we did manage to make a lot of money selling face masks to the chinese
So what other evil schemes have we got ready to help eliminate Humankind from the planet?
Well one of our agents has managed to claim the Governorship of California, and our PR department in England reports that it has had success with its propaganda campaign against the MMR vaccine
And our project to make all Americans dangerously Obese?
Our Mcdonalds profits are up, Sir, all signs are still good!

 

by TheGovernor
11-04-03
Well Steven it's been a whole year to the day since you first started on stripcreator, what are your thoughts?
Well Im a little older, a little wiser, and I have come to realise what an art this actually is. It takes skill and patience to come up with the perfect comic
So will we be seeing a more mature, intelligent and insightful comedy emerging from TheGovernor's strips from now on?
Yes, Im sure that will be the case...
... So which of these do you think sounds better anyway; "Hooters" or "Melons"?

 

by TheGovernor
11-07-03
(Table 5) The match is heating up, and by an amazing coincidence both players have exactly the same tiles in their racks, I wonder what they will do with them...
SUCKY: 14 Points
SUCKYSUCKY: plus double word score 56 points
MOH: 8 Points
And over on Table 2, Osama's fight against the Skeleton has just seen a breakthrough...
Ah stupid infidel you have left the door open for me again, by using your H along with my J, I, A and D, treble word score JIHAD: 48 points

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Hello Professor Blatherskite
Ive got terrible news Jimmy! My apprentice, Eric Von Cataract, turned out to be an evil genius, he's used my latest invention, a "Time Machine", to go back in history and change the past!
But professor, nothing seems to have changed..
Fortunately Jimmy I took the precaution of installing a "Time Effect Stopper Thingy" onto the lab. On the outside world things are changing, for example the new Star Wars Prequels no longer exist
So nothing of value has been lost then?

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Jimmy I'm going to need you to go back in time and stop Von Cataract and put right the timeline, hurry, my instruments tell me that Arnold Schwarzenegger is now Governor of California..
Erm Professor that actually happened
No, surely this must be a distortion in time caused by an evil mad-man
Nope, all down to the celebrity obsessed gullibility of the voters, and the Republican Party
Well I was right that evil was involved anyway

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Ok Jimmy, you suit up, and I'll calibrate the time circuits, I’ve tracked Von Cataract to the second half of the nineteenth century, in the middle of the American Civil War
Ok Professor
Right, now when I press this button you should be transported back in time, here goes *click*
Oops sorry Jimmy, wrong button
*sigh*

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Ah here's the right button *click* Good luck Jimmy..
Thanks Professor..
1862. Texas.
Wow it worked, either that or I'm on the set of Rawhide

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Hello, Mr Cowboy Sir, Im from the future, I need your help
Maan, I knew I shoulda never smoked that injun waccy tobaccy, how did you get here?
Well the professor started the rotor turbines on his time machine and I re-appeared right here.
Rotor Turbines? Time Machine? Look sonny I dont quite get the science of this here fiction, but I'll help ya anyways..
Thank you, I'm looking for a man called Eric Von Cataract..
Suure I heard of him, he's got a fort just over them there hills you can't miss it. Now im gonna go lie down, I must be havin one of those injun vision quests.

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Man, it's good to be out of that time suit. It's too hot, I'll pick it up later on my way back...
Shit the North are attacking!!
Shoot, its only a kid. Hey sonny dont you know its dangerous to wear blue around these parts, thats the uniform of the Union, What you doing round here anyway?
I'm here to see Von Cataract
Ahh, you must be Jimmy, he said you'd be coming, I've got orders to take you in

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Ahh, young Jimmy, I thought the crazy Professor would send you. You know Ive never understood why Mad Scientists with time machines always have young boys as friends, seems a bit strange really..
Von Cataract! What evil scheme are you up to this time?
Quite simple really, using my 21st century tactics, and laser guns I intend to win the Civil War for the South!
And why do you want to do that?
Because if the South win, in the future The Dukes of Hazzard is still on TV
Well I guess that makes sense

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
But Von Cataract don't you remember the Professor's warning about using time travel to fix the television scheduling...
Beware the use of time travel to fix the television scheduling, it's too risky. Think Cause and Effect. Make one small error and you could end up extending the Cosby Show by five seasons
You're right Jimmy, we can't risk it, not even for the Dukes of Hazzard. I'll return the past to how it should be and we'll go back to the future
Shame though Von Cataract, that was nice work on the deletion of the new Star Wars movies. If it weren't too risky Id opt for the Matrix sequels aswell.

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Present Day. Laboratory.
Good work Jimmy Everythings back to normal, you saved the future of television
So whats on the TV tonight?
Pop Idol, and a celebrity Survivor, followed by four hours of reality cop shows, and repeats of last series Who wants to be a Millionaire
Ack!
I'll continue the research

 

by TheGovernor
11-13-03
Ninety Eight... Ninety Nine... One Hundred! Coming ready or not!
Found you.
ok my turn.
One... Two... Three...

 

by TheGovernor
11-17-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Who was the better captain? Kirk or Picard?

 

by TheGovernor
11-22-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
And what would you like for Christmas?
We wantssss our precioussss!! Those nasty wicked hobbitsss stole it from usssss

 

by TheGovernor
12-08-03
Everything is going to plan comrade, our troops are in place. We will have taken the capital very soon
Excellent, now I must go and issue our demands to the populace
You there!, Reporter, I wish to announce that my soldiers have taken your capital, tell your forces to lay down their arms and I will spare their lives. You must all swear allegiance to me! woo ha ha!
What the Reporter heard...
*Meow!*, *Meow*, *Meiw*, *Meow* *Meow*, *Meow* *Meow*, *Meow* *Meow Mew Meow, Meow Mew Mew!

 

by TheGovernor
12-12-03
You know they say Fish only have a three second memory span.
This isn't one of those set-ups to the old fish joke is it?
No of course not. Besides, if you think about it logically how could I possibly remember that fish only have a three second memory span if we only had a three second memory span?
Ahh! I see, so rather than perpetuating the myth, you're simply trying to broach the subject in an intelligent and thoughtful manner and offer the subject up for intellectual debate.
You know they say Fish only have a three second memory span.
This isn't one of those set-ups to the old fish joke is it?

 

by TheGovernor
12-14-03
Woo Hoo, Yee ha, Get in!!
Yes! Go Me! Woo Hoo! Great work!
I take it Mr President, you're happy to hear that we have caught Saddam
Actually I was just celebrating the fact that I managed to tie my own shoelaces without assistance

 

by TheGovernor
12-21-03
Bonjour!
Ca Va!
Actuallee, I come from Belgium!

 

by TheGovernor
12-24-03
Yo, Bitch, get back in there, and start shaking your thing, I aint paying you to stand around
Yo My Brother!
Hey, its Five Dollar for the regular service, but you going to have to dip into the green if you want something a bit special, you dig?
Yo guys, Eleven Pimps working the same stretch aint good for business. I know the Republicans are throwing a party in town, but this is overkill!
Get your Fat asses here, yo Im talkin about the biggest mama's you'll ever meet, for all you fat friends out there.
Hey, where are those two asian girls I hired yesterday? Yo Clive you better not be pinching my girls again...

 

by TheGovernor
12-25-03
What do you want Mr President?
I need you to take down a letter for me. Mark it urgent, and requiring an immediate response.
Ok Mr President fire away.
"Dear Santa, Thank you for my presents, Ive been such a good boy this year like you asked...
"..but you seem to have missed a few. I asked for a Model Train set, Bin-Laden, Iraq, a Nintendo, Saddam and North Korea, but all I got was the Nintendo, Saddam and Iraq. Yours Sincerely, Georgie"

 

by TheGovernor
12-29-03
A staring contest against a little girl
*Blink*
Damn!

 

by TheGovernor
1-01-04
You know in the Chinese Calender, 2004 is the "Year of the Monkey"
Yes fate has destined that this will be our time of reckoning
I assume we have many evil schemes and plots ready to help ensure we wipe out humanity this year?
Actually we thought we'd simply let American foreign policy do the hard work for us
True, why go to the effort if they're willing to do the job themselves.
This will indeed be a good year for Monkeys everywhere!

 

by TheGovernor
1-03-04
Its not as easy as it looks
Tell me about it.

 

by TheGovernor
1-05-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Well you see there were these two gangs, the JETS and the SHARKS...

 

by TheGovernor
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.

 

by TheGovernor
1-16-04
Finally, after many years I am but one bolt away from my greatest creation, which will revolutionise humanities future.
There, finished, now all I need to do is press the activation button, and the worlds first artificial intelligence will be born. Arise my self-aware robotic creation!
RAAARR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Bugger

 

by TheGovernor
1-22-04
Ahh Jenkins, I think we need to discuss your performance as your department seems to have slipped a bit this quarter, so I thought Id give you some pointers.
Well sir, any tips you could give me would be great.
You need to start thinking more creatively, start taking the bull by the horns. Come in on the competition from unexpected angles, and when you've finally caught them off guard, ram the product home!
Funny, your wife said those exact same words to me in bed last night!!
So do you have any vacancies then?

 

by TheGovernor
1-30-04
Well?
Alright I admit it, it was me who taped over the last episode of Cheers with the monday night football. Now will you let me down please?

 

by TheGovernor
1-30-04
Quack!
Actually the "Ducks Only Club" is the second door on the left. This is the "Penguin S&M Bondage Club"

Showing page 4.

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