All comics by lildeucecoup

Profile

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
Mom, I brought you on this cruise so I could tell you I have diabetes.
What are you trying to say?
I have diabetes.
MY SON GONNA DIE!!!
I'm not going to die, I jsut have to pay attention to my blood sugar levels more regularly.
You don't know the first thing about diabetes do you?

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
Hey little bro. I don't particularly care for that new trenchcoat look you're going with.
Fuck you bro.
I don't like that dye job you did on your hair either.
Fuck you bro.
Are you using some sort of fake tanner? Not cool bro.
FUCK YOU BRO! I'LL FUCKING PUT A BULLET IN YOUR FUCKING HEAD!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
Dhey derr koo kid, mah name Chicken. I got some ideas...
You're dumb and I don't wanna hear you open your mouth again.
I'm just not gonna help dees jerr fools out none
Hey what did you say your name was?
Mah name chicken.
YOU SHUT UP!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
You know where my dads officie is? I'm his son.
My name is Jonathan. Pleasure to meet you. If you jsut tell me who your father is I might be able to locate him.
This office is squaresville. Why would my dad work here.
Is your father Super Dave Osbourne?
Why would you ask me that? I'm obviously hung over, I'm wearing a turkey for pants. Now you tell me why you would ask if Super Dave Osbourne was my father.
I'm just a big fan and was looking forward to meeting him.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
FRIEND! I spent all day searching facebook for pics of your girlfriend Helen Mirgo. I found none!
That isn't my girlfriend. Just go to facebook and see who it says I'm in a relationship with.
COME TO THINK OF IT I DON'T HAVE A COCK TO JERK OFF WITH!
Oooooooook.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
I'm really enjoying our date so far.
Me too! I'm so glad they let me gring my cat into the restaurant.
So, why don't you tell me about your politcial affiliations? Republican or Democrat?
I'm a bleeding heart republican.
Oh, well--
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS I HAVE A SMALL HOLE IN MY HEART!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Excuse me, I'm sorta new around the office and I seem to have lost my wife.
Great, they hired another robot to waste all of our time with riddles.
Excuse me, have you seen my wife?
She's probably at home.
**DOES NOT COMPUTE**

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
You know, it's your people who are polluting this country with their fundamentalist views.
Are you talking about the Jews?
No! Not just the Jews! I'm not some sort of nazi! I hate all religion. It's all so dumb and how could anyone believe in higher beings like gods and what not? It's all so dumb. There is no god.
Why do you feel the need to be so angry.
It's cause my dad was never around. All I want is some love.
No. All you want to do is bitch, my child.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
I hardly even know you anymore man. You never call anymore. I only see you once a week if I'm lucky. The only time I do get a call is when you need more weed. Whats the deal man?
Well, I just figuered that since this is the way our friendship has been for the last 3 years, why ruin it now?
You know how lonely I get taking care of these kids all day. You can come over and at least smoke with me and we can hang out for a bit.
I work during the day.
Is that some sort of insult towards me saying I don't work? You know I deliver pizzas on the weekend.
I'm sure delivering pizzas on the weekend is a hard job. All I was saying is I don't have as much time to hang out cause I've been busy working and doing other things like not hanging out with you.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Hiyoooo!
Hiyoooo!
Hey, great catching up with you.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Hey there Stan. How was your weekend?
It fucking sucked. I think I had a dream about Kathy Bates. I'm pretty sure it was her, but I don't really remember.
Sounds horrible. Were you making love to her in the dream?
I don't fucking remember, you asshole. I just told you I think it was a dream about Kathy Bates, but I don't really remember.
I wish I could dream of Kathy Bates.
Would you be making love to her in the dream?

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Hey, how about Notre Dame beating Stanford today huh? Didn't that make you feel good to see them win their last two regular season games?
They finished 3-9. They beat Duke at home and Stanford on the road. That doesn't seem impressive at all to me.
Hey, all I'm saying is those kids showed alot of heart. It's gonna help next season starting it with a winning attitude.
They were 3-9. That's no sort of winning attitude.
Hey! They won their last two games buddy. That's great moment!
Save your "hay" you might marry a horse.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Hey niggafish. You eat my yogurt?
I don't eat yogurt.
NIGGAFISH! You best not have eaten my yogurt, motherfucker.
I didn't eat your yogurt.
Niggafish, you so black you blue. Good black don't crack. Stay fly til ya die, pimpin'.
I hate that colored mans yogurt.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-24-07
Step dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?
Excuse me? Is someone talking to me? I think they might be, but they aren;t referring to me by the name that I requested they refer to me as.
Uhhhh... Step father, can I borrow twenty dollars?
Anything for my favorite non birth son.
I really needed that twenty bucks.
I really needed that twenty bucks.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
I can't let my son see me in this bar. It's 5pm, I should be at work.
Wait, it's 5pm. What is my 14 year old son doing in a bar?
Ummm... Hey there scout! What you doing at a bar at this hour?
HAVING A FUCKING BEER!

 

Doctor, I want you to inject Fresca into my veins.
No problem.
by lildeucecoup, 11-25-07

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
That house seems pretty haunted.
I don't wanna go in there.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm................... I'm not looking forward to meeting this teacher.
Hello.
Jah Hay Derr. I'm Tutu's teacher, Bob.
My son's teacher has brain damage.
Excuse me, but I don't have brain damage. How about you bow down before me and show a little bit of respect.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
How da fuck dey got this Christmas tree in a motherfucking art mueseum.
EXCUSE ME! WHO PUT THIS MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE HERE?
FUCKING BITCHES!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
My brain was cut in half. I only understand what I think, but can't comprehend what I hear.
HEY MAN! I'VE BEEN FUCKING YELLING AT YOU FOR 9 MINUTES!
I wish I knew what this freaky beatnik wanted from me.
I CAN WAIT ALL DAY MOTHERFUCKER!
Is he still talking?

 

by lildeucecoup
11-25-07
Don't worry. It's going to be ok.
You're welcome.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-26-07
Wah! You're a snowman! I hate you!
I hate you snowman!
Yawn. You suck snowman!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-26-07
Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer got arrested cause the cops thought he was a pimp?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just watched that one.
Yeah, Seinfeld wasn't funny.
Whatever happened to that Kramer? He was hilarious.
He had that really bad detective show on NBC and then he called a guy a nigger. I also heard he's going on the campaign trail to supports Mitt Romney.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-26-07
Whats the difference between you controlling the hunger and the hunger controlling you?
Who the fuck are you and why did you redecorate my kitchen.
I didn't redecorate the kitchen.
What time did you break into this apartment?
About an hour ago. I've just been standing here waiting for someone to show up.
This isn't even my apartment.

 

Did you hear Hulk Hogan's wife is divorcing him?
Who gets custody of the 24 inche pythons?
by lildeucecoup, 11-26-07

 
by lildeucecoup, 11-26-07

 

by lildeucecoup
11-26-07
I'm getting pretty hungry. How bout I heat up some pot pie?
The sailor?
What?
Popeye, the sailor?
No, I said pot pie.
Delicious!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
Are you ready to apologize yet?
Apologize for what? Giving the most exciting anniversary gift ever?
You gagged me with an ether soaked rag and dragged me up to this cliff and beat me with a sack of nickles.
I did do that. I was being spontaneous.
Look baby... I'm sorry I gagged you with an ether soaked rag and dragged you up to this cliff and beat you with a sack of nickles.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
The ad said that the apartment had hardwood floors.
I'm actually not selling this apartment. There is no ad. How did you even get in here.
You don;;t seem birhgt.
Hi, I'm Bill. This is my new bachelor pad!
Bill, I was told this apartment had hardwood floors.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
Dad said he'd call today. It's been a week since he locked me in this warehouse. He said he'd call me in exactly one week.
This fucking asshole isn't going to call? What a prick.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
Excuse me do you have your ticket stub?
Whata re you movie theater security? You're in a fucking wheel chair? You're taking jobs from hardworking people with hardworking legs.
Forget it, just do whatever you want.
No, you're going to do your god damned job and through me out of this mother fucking theater like a man with working legs would.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Hows about I sit in your lap and you wheel the two of us outta here and we go get a bite to eat at the Lonestar Stek house on the other side of the mini mall?

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
What would you like for Christmas Jonathan?
What the fuck do you care? Your old ass doesn't even really buy me the presents anyway. Mom and Dad get them and just write your name on the tag.
That is not true! I write my own name on the tag.
Fuck you grandma, you know what? You're really good for nothing.
You're not a nice boy Jonathan.
And you're almost dead so whats your point?

 

by lildeucecoup
11-28-07
December...
Are you excited for Christmas Timbo?
I'M REALLLLLY FUCKING PUMPED SANTA!
June...
can't wait for 4th of July.
October...
I can't wait for Halloween.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-29-07

 

by lildeucecoup
11-29-07
Did you watch Survivor?
Yeah, yeah I did.
Can you believe they blindsided James like that?
YEAH I CAN! THEYHAD TO, HE HAD BOTH IDOLS!
Yeah, they didn't really have a choice.
I hope the lunch lady wins.

 

by lildeucecoup
12-13-07
Babycakes, I had a life changing thought while beating off tonight.
What would that thought be?
Well, I was sitting in the middle of the room and it just came to me. Right as I shot my load into a folded up paper towel.
Ok. So, what was this special life changing thought of yours?
Damn it feels good to be a gansta.
Go wash the dishes.

 

by lildeucecoup
12-13-07
What I did on my summer vacation, by Aleca-Jabatta Moore. While staying with my grandparents I enjoyed a nice bottle of 1998 Glen Ellen California Chardonnay Reserve.
For some time now wine industry seers have been talking about the river of wine that has been flowing out of California so strongly in recent years that it's turning into a lake.That makes wine cheap!
For a modest investment I enjoyed a nice medium-bodied wine that is very nicely balanced between bright acid and fruit. It also makes a nice dinne choice for novice wine drinkers. Thank You.

 

by lildeucecoup
12-13-07
Hello grandson. Have you heard that new Avril Lavigne song "Girlfriend" it sure sounds alot like Toni Basil's smash hit "Mickey."
Grandma, that was quite the run on sentence. You must be winded.
Grandma?
She's dead! I'm gonna wait ten minutes and then rummage through her purse.

 

by lildeucecoup
12-13-07
MY UNCLE ONCE INTERVIEW STEVIE WONDER. STEVIE TELL MY UNCLE THAT HE DON'T LIKE SING AND ONLY DO BECAUSE THEY FORCE HIM!
HMMM... ME THINK YOUR UNCLE BIG LIAR!
YOU MAKE CRAZY ACCUSATION! YOU KNOW ME UNCLE WENT TO BALL ST. SHOW RESPECT BOY!
MY UNCLE GO TO NORTHERN ILLINOIS!
WHO GIVE FUCK WHERE YOUR UNCLE GO COLLEGE! MY UNCLE PERTINENT BECAUSE HE TELL STEVIE WONDER STORY!
It's always about him...

 

by lildeucecoup
2-01-11
Lazarus, why do you refuse all your fartherly duties. Why do you refuse to be a father?
I always told you, I'm a clown first and everything else second. You said you didn;t care. You said you loved me for me!
Your makeup.... You've been using the cheap make up and using the extra couple of bucks to buy smack... Haven't you?
Don't you talk to me about smack. You know the worst drug I do is caffeine. It's the murders I have trouble with.
Lazarus, you're my least favorite owner I've ever had.
I love you too, Rodney Dangerbot.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-02-11
Rick, I'm going to need those designs I asked you for this morning before 4:30 today. Look... I don't ask for alot of favors, just get this thing DINE!
You come to me for help all the time! Remember when you were in high school and you missed out on your ACT's because you thought you had bugs in your shit?
Rick, I'm going to need those drawings by 3:30.
It's 4:15.
Where are the drawings... Rick.
I emailed them to you at 3:29.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-02-11
Hi, I'm Bob from the warehouse. My friends call me Robert.
I've worked with you for 12 years Bob.
It's good to meet you, Robert.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-02-11
Looooook... I know it isn't take your pet to work day, but I just hate leaving this little cutie pie home alone!
You better believe I've farted in the shower, Ken. You also better believe that I think it's the worst!
Excuse me?
I'm sorry I thought we were both going to just say completely ridiculous things.
Take your cat home and come back tomorrow. You won't be getting paid for the day.

 

YAR! I hate it when I start reading a hot piece of erotica and then they use the word mum. TAKES ME RIGHT OUT OF THE MOOD!
by lildeucecoup, 3-10-11

 

by lildeucecoup
3-10-11
Son, I need you to promise me thast you won't go on that date you told me about with your cousin.
Step-dad, I told you! She is NOT my cousin!
She's your mothers sisters daughter.
That "sister" is mom's childhood friend. They aren't related at all. They just call each other sisters.
Is there anything else I should know about your mother?
She... Really loves you. Alot.

 

YAR! The only thing worse than reading mum in erotica is knickers!
by lildeucecoup, 3-10-11

 

Hey Hitler! Feel like going to kill some jews?
Nah... Too mainstream.
by lildeucecoup, 1-28-12

 

by lildeucecoup
1-30-12
The worst part about being Hitler in the eyar 2012 is the lonliness.
Oh how I yearn for a dune companion to share my laughs and my corned beef recipes with.
YOU THERE! DUNESMAN! Do you swear to love me?

 

by lildeucecoup
1-31-12
Hitler! Zis is your mothaz! What are you doing in there?
Quiet mother... I'm barnstorming.

 

by lildeucecoup
2-01-12
Hitler! Zis is your mothaz! It isn't March, I know you aren't Barnstorming in zerr! Open zis door!
Quiet mother... It takes months to build an army towards a barnstorming. This is the total invasion of all the forums. RMDC, CC, FGH, test forum and the other CC!

Showing page 4.

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