All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
10-17-05
Hello, baby Jesus. We're the three wise men who've come from a fahr.

 

I'm sorry. I know you wanted me to hold off putting the new vampire characters up on the site until the night before Halloween, but I ... just couldn't ...
I know, I know. No need to apologise, mate. It's not uncommon. The truth of the matter is that premature e-draculation is nothing to be ashamed about.
by kaufman, 10-17-05

 

I vant to suck ...
Believe me, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
by kaufman, 10-17-05

 

by kaufman
10-17-05
Here split-level! Com here, split-level. Oh, don't you have pretty shingles! Come on, come to me. You can do it! Come on, split-level.
How many times do I have to tell you: We don't make house calls!

 

by kaufman
10-18-05
Excuse me, I've been searching all over for someone who does laser surgery.

 

by kaufman
10-18-05
Cat got your tongue?

 

by kaufman
10-18-05
Quick, Brad, we need someone to draw a character whose knees are actually TOGETHER.

 

by kaufman
10-18-05
We're gonna need a bigger goat!

 

Don't blame me. I told you some side effects were possible.
by kaufman, 10-18-05

 

by kaufman
10-19-05
Doctor, I've got pimples on my face, lumps on my legs, limited feeling in my hands, and I haven't been able to hold down any food for a week.
o/` DON'T HAVE A CONNIPTION, HERE'S A PRESCRIPTION, THESE SUGAR PILLS, I'M SURE, WILL BE A QUICK CURE! o/`
You're looking better. How do you feel?
All cured in just two days. That doctor I saw was great. Not only that, but he sings everything he says in the most magnificent voice.
Really, I may have to start going to him too. What was his name?
Placebo Domingo

 

by kaufman
10-19-05
Back to you, lukket
Doctor, my upper right molar hurts when I chew. It hurts when I talk. OWWWW! Do something. Please!
o/` THIS HIGH-PRESSURE STREAM, I CAN EXPLAIN, WILL REMOVE ALL PLAQUE, DECAY, ROT AND PAIN. HERE WE GO, FEAR NOT, OOPS, THAT'S THE WRONG SPOT! o/`
That singing dentist was terrible. His water drill missed my tooth and wound up removing my gall bladder.
Ugh, that's terrible. What was his name?
Jose Aker Errors

 

by kaufman
10-20-05
Yippee-ki-yay, monkey-lover!

 

by kaufman
10-20-05
Thank you for coming today. I'm sure you'll find this quite informative. Ok, start up the Powerpoint.
Oops, wrong slide show. Could you hit the other file?
Ah, there we go. Now, we left some rotor turbines to generate gravitons, and, well, you can see what happened. Next slide...

 

by kaufman
10-20-05
Is this a bust?

 

by kaufman
10-20-05
What country has an all salmon-colored flag?
Hmmm, I don't know. Probably some small Pacific island nation.
Like maybe Tonga. Why?
Because it looks like someone left behind a Tongan Army Knife.

 

by kaufman
10-20-05
What would you get if you crossed a fireman with a mirror?

 

Thank you, BALCO!
by kaufman, 10-21-05

 

You shot your eye out, didn't you?
by kaufman, 10-21-05

 

There are always two: A master and an apprentice.
by kaufman, 10-21-05

 

by kaufman
10-21-05
Class, today we have a special treat. I am going to read to you from one of the great works of literature, The Iliad, by Homer.
Chapter 1.
D'oh!

 

0/` What a glorious feeling, I'm singin' in the brain! o/`
by kaufman, 10-21-05

 

by kaufman
10-21-05
Stupid writer's block.
Huh? Was that ...
Later on, the lyrics changed slightly.
o/` Abe Vigoda Da Vida, baby, Don't you know that I love you! Abe Vigoda Da Vida, honey, Dontcha know that I'll always be true!

 

by kaufman
10-22-05
Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope?
WTF?
The force is strong in me. You can't survive.
If you kill me, I will grow stronger.
Bombs away!
Beep, boop, gleeble, glorp!

 

by kaufman
10-22-05
Let's talk about the case a bit first.
Why? He's definitely guilty.
I have to say he's not guilty.
No way. He's as guilty as sin.
Not guilty.
You're right.

 

by kaufman
10-22-05
I'm so excited I'm going on this new ship.
And then we'll get married if the termites don't eat me first.
Are you having fun yet?
I'm king of the world!
Stupid iceberg.
Glub.

 
by kaufman, 10-22-05

 

by kaufman
10-23-05
RAAARRR!!!
Blurp

 

by kaufman
10-23-05
I think I will order me some blood wine.
Oooh, good idea. And I can have some blood pudding.
Excuse... Me. .. Did ... your friend say... Blood... Wine?
There ... could... be Klingons ... here.

 

by kaufman
10-23-05
And finally, I'll need a specimen from you.
That's not a problem. Just step on me. It won't hurt.
Ok. I'm ready.
Splooosh.

 

Is that what it looks like?
by kaufman, 10-23-05

 

I've really got to hand it to you. You stole the show.
by kaufman, 10-24-05

 

by kaufman
10-24-05
A long time ago, the earth was covered with water. And the water was filled with fine and nutritious particles.
But as the earth cooled and the water began to evaporate, those particles within began to congeal together.
Until sufficient drying had been achieved, and a new hero was born.
Hello, I'm Tapioca Man.

 

by kaufman
10-24-05
So, what do you do for a living, Tapioca Man?
Well, I used to be a judge, but they didn't like me leaving stains on the court documents. I got fired for pudding on the writs.
Oh, yecccheroonie. I just hate puns!
You do? Eat me!
So she did.
Braaaaapp!

 

by kaufman
10-24-05
Bongiorno, I'da likea some cheese.
Of course, sir. What kind would you like?
I think I'll havea gouda.
Just a moment. I'll bring it out.
Here ya go!

 

Finally, one day, Shatner just snapped.
Phasers on "Frag the Trekkie."
by kaufman, 10-24-05

 

by kaufman
10-25-05
*** White
*** Colored

 

by kaufman
10-25-05
Honey, let's go to OINKEA. I want to buy a shelf to put Grandma's ashes on.

 

by kaufman
10-26-05
Escargoing
Escargoing
Escargone

 

Daddy?
by kaufman, 10-26-05

 

by kaufman
10-27-05
That a new thermometer?
Yup. Old one finally died.
That's too bad. Any idea what happened to it?
Mercury poisoning.

 

Just as I thought: You're a quart low.
by kaufman, 10-27-05

 

by kaufman
10-27-05
Mr. Shatner, were there any heads on the Enterprise? How did you go to the bathroom?
No, we'd just go in our pants, and Scotty would promptly beam all the offending molecules away. Far more sanitary than using a toilet.
For instance, I remember when ...
Scotty, between today's burritos and the Rigelian clap, I'm dripping pee, and about to crap a log the size of Vulcan. I need your magic fast!
I'm right on it Cap'n!
Thanks, Scotty, you're a true life saver. But just out of curiosity. what happened to all that waste I generated?
Och, I beamed the whole shit and your piddle to the Klingons' engine room, where there'll be no dribble at all!

 

by kaufman
10-28-05
Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 4. ... Mr Sulu? ... Computer, locate Lieutenat Sulu.
Lieutenant Sulu is outside the ship.
Scotty, what's Mr. Sulu doing with the warp nacelle? Why isn't one of your engineers working on it?
I dunno, Cap'n. I dinna authorize any extravehicular repairs.
Mr. Spock, your Vulcan eyes are better than us humans'. Can you see what that is that Mr. Sulu is doing?
He seems to be hanging a large colored handkerchief off the port nacelle.

 

Why so down, Tobor?
I bet my life savings on the Ass-tros.
by kaufman, 10-30-05

 

by kaufman
10-30-05
Anything come in the mail today?
Not much. Just three more credit cards for me.
Don't you think that's irresponsible? Are you able to afford what you charge?
Oh, it's no problem.
Really? Dare I ask what your interest is?
You know. IT'S SHOPPING!

 

 
by kaufman, 10-31-05

 

by kaufman
10-31-05
This really sucks. You did search through your whole bag, didn't you?
Yup. Twice.
That settles it. A full night of trick-or-treating for both of us, two overflowing bags of candy, ...
And not a single razor blade to be found.
There's always next year.

 

by kaufman
11-02-05
Trick or teat!
Er ... May I please have some cunty?
I mean ... Give me a mother chance ...
Is that you, Sigmund? You ought to be careful. I can see your slip.

 

by kaufman
11-03-05
Okay, Scotty. Beam me down.
Where am I? Damn you, Scotty!
No, Cap'n. Damn YOU!

 

by kaufman
11-03-05
Step 1: Make him drink, drink, and drink ...
To your new bride!
... till he's passed out.
Now put him in a hotel room in another city. Do him up with the suit, the mask, everything. The look when he sees himself in the mirror will be priceless. Kidney removal optional.

Showing page 48.

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