All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
9-02-03
hey. weren't you in liberia?
nah. we really didn't need to be there.
but you could have done a lot of work there.
yeah right! did you know their irregulars wear wigs and skirts to put fear into their enemies? what losers.
i was going to say your own wardrobe could use a little help.
you just don't understand hockey.

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
hey man. long time no see. how's the pharma industry treating you.
hey i can't complain. how's nasa?
we may be going back to the capsule days.
sounds like a lot of test work.
safety first!
oh c'mon you don't really believe that.

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
if i really cared about safety i wouldn't be working for nasa, would i?
point taken. but i'm really lowering my risk profile these days.
oh?
yeah, i got into the levitra program.
levitra? the new virility drug? how is it?
look at my ears man! this stuff rocks!

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
so i don't understand one thing about putting you in levitra trials.
what's that?
i mean. you're a rabbit. you never stop humping anyway.
hey, all rabbits aren't promiscuous.
oh don't get pc on me now.
they made us all watch al gore speeches first. it was real work.

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
you know i've been meaning to thank you.
i don't believe we've ever met before. why would you thank me?
well, not you personally but the episcopal church in general. you know for the gay ordination.
oh that. well you know god cares about all souls. it isn't our sex lives that get us into heaven.
yeah well you don't know about the kind of heaven i know.
excuse me, but i'll do the evangelism here.

 

by Cobb
9-02-03
you know i've been meaning to have a word with you.
it has been a while. we did pray for the soldiers as you requested.
yeah thanks, but this is about that gay bishop.
yes we are quite proud of all of our church leaders. there will be no schism.
how gay is he, really? i mean he couldn't be very gay and still be a bishop, right?
i'm sorry to report that our gaymometer is out of commission. perhaps you could make a donation.

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
i am needing some explaining from you my brother.
sure, anything.
your family. they are republicans yes?
yes, they are.
how is it that someone black can do this?
oh no, not you too.

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
of all the people, you have the most nerve questioning my family's politics. didn't republicans get rid of saddam for your people?
yes, but..
and you've been in this country all of what, 12 years? and you vote republican too?
yes, but..
i was born and raised free in this country, and you question my political rights?
actually i was going to congratulate you on your courage.

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
i just wanted to ask you how you got the courage to vote republican, that's all.
oh. i didn't expect that. i mean i'm flattered and all but..
well?
well, actually i'm just registered republican. i don't actually vote.
ah. still waiting for colin powell to run for president, right?
isn't everyone?

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
well what if colin powell doesn't run for president? what if bush the younger is all we get?
i'll still stay republican, i do have other reasons than colin powell.
such as..
such as not embarrassing my parents.
what?
i do have a trust fund you know.

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
we need to talk. i've decided that i need to tell you something about your man.
look he already told me that you tried to get into his movies, and that you offered to sleep with him.
i what!?
now that we are polling in the top ten candidates in california he told me to expect that you would try to smear him.
i cannot believe she's so deluded.
i don't care what you say, you're not going to be his monica lewinsky. so talk to the hand.

 

by Cobb
9-07-03
so what did she say?
nothing. it was weird. like she couldn't believe i wasn't shocked.
you are so strong. you're the best, babe.
so.. you really didn't..
she didn't have the tits for it. c'mon babe, drop it.
wait. are we talking about the film here, or something else?

 

by Cobb
9-09-03
you know i'm republican right?
yes, of course. you're dad's a wall street broker who got off an insider trading scam on a technicality, right?
the two aren't really related but, right. my point is that you don't think it's weird for me to be black and republican do you?
you're asking me to back you up? sure, i back you up. just like i back up my boyfriend.
the hispanic circus porno clown?
the republican... hey, did you say hispanic?

 

by Cobb
9-09-03
hispanic you say?
sorry, that slipped.
it's not that i mind or anything. he just never told me.
i'm sure it's not a big deal.
explain!
no entiendo lo que usted está diciendo

 

by Cobb
9-09-03
you are keeping too many secrets from me.
there can be no going back to false comforts in a dangerous world.
i don't feel that i can trust you any longer.
the dangers have not passed.
you're all sexed up with no wmd.
is this about my polling numbers? i can change!

 

by Cobb
9-09-03
hey. how's it going? any stress disorders?
i dunno. it all seems like so long ago. now i just play regular video games again.
is that xbox live?
yeah. tom clancy's 'ghost recon - island thunder'.
it just never ends for you does it?
ok i admit it. i miss the rush. now shutup, i've got an injured shooter at 'liberty storm'

 

by Cobb
9-11-03
you hate me because i'm ambitious.
no, i hate you because you're a liar and a loser.
how can you say that? i beat bill simon and i'm not even from california.
precisely. those people need to run their own affairs. you've spent all my money on this campaign. nobody wants you there. it's over between us.
i don't understand. what changed everyone's mind about me?
i believe you've been fisked.

 

by Cobb
9-11-03
people will never forget the tragedy or the heroism.
of course they will. people suck.
you just hate humans. i feel sorry for you.
i don't hate humans half as much as they hate each other.
you simply don't understand the capacity of the human spirit.
say that from inside this cage. i dare ya.

 

by Cobb
9-11-03
you of all creatures ought to be a champion of freedom.
blah blah blah
i would. really! but i just don't have opposable thumbs.
go away. you're interrupting my moment of silence.

 

by Cobb
9-11-03
i just wanted to thank you for all your support through all this.
wow. i just wanted to thank you for helping me take life more seriously.
i forgive you about the antiquities scheme.
yeah. i'm sorry, we were really foolish.
so what are you doing this weekend?
that depends. do you still drive that sweet escalade?

 

by Cobb
9-12-03
it's your fault. you're a racist and you use racist slurs.
all i did was mention that you are hispanic.
that's my business. you played the race card on me and you're obsessed with race, just like the rest of your race pimping party.
i happen to be a republican just like you.
oh. uhm.. how about those taxes eh?
i gather that you're pulling out of the race.

 

by Cobb
9-16-03
the ninth circuit of appeals held in favor of the aclu and enjoined the state of california from hold the election next month.
that really screws up our plans.
now they're going to have time to think about the candidates.
and the porno clown's girlfriend broke up with him. not good.
what should we do?
operation klammath.

 

by Cobb
9-16-03
operation klammath? what's that?
it's the answer to the north korea's prayers.
i asked you not to..
yes but you also said we could screw with democracy so long as everything can be blamed on human thought and action.
are you sure that k. will approve?
what do you think k. stands for?

 

by Cobb
9-16-03
i didn't know our jailer has the same name as a river in california.
actually it's after the county in oregon where he crashed his spaceship in 6096904.3
that's klamath with one 'm' numbnuts.
hey look. i had asia, you had europe.
sorry, you don't have to reload your english. i'm just playing.
awright shutup, let me explain the plan.

 

by Cobb
9-16-03
..and you're saying we can wreck their whole economy?
all we have to do is nudge.
sure beats crop circles.
do you have any anal chips left?
sure. who do you have in mind first?
we'll start from the top. grover norquist.

 

by Cobb
9-16-03
Operation Klamath: Target #1 - Grover Norquist
ok, i did it. the bug's up his ass.
oh goody. what does he think now?
he thinks that hillary clinton is going to be the attorney general if democrats win the presidency.
i said nudge, not tickle. what difference does hillary clinton make?
he also believes that she'll keep liberal democrats in power forever by spending the money of all the rich people in america.
i think you may have gone too far.

 

by Cobb
9-17-03
avast thar ye scurvy dog!
shiver me timbers ye bonnie wench!
haft the mizzen! keel haul the landlubber!
swab the poopdeck! batten down the hatches!
lift that barge tote that bale!
ok i think we've gone a little overboard here.

 

by Cobb
9-21-03
ok, just remind me. how many anal chips do we have left?
more than 200.
you've been holding out on me. i had no idea.
well, given your fascination with the human rectum, you would have wasted them on nobodies.
you thought al sharpton was a nobody.
that's not the point, humans have to believe these people are doing it on their own.

 

by Cobb
9-21-03
so how many anal chips do we have left exactly?
more than 200.
what? you've been holding out on me!
given your fascination with the human rectum i had no choice. you would have wasted them on just anybody.
al sharpton isn't just anybody.
well, not now.

 

by Cobb
9-21-03
you gave me the impression that there were only about 12 left. i can't believe all the ass i passed up.
we're only here for 399 more years. we can only chip so many humans.
but they're recyclable right? who cares if we use attila's again?
#129? you already put that one in rumsfeld, remember?
that wasn't new? damn, i forgot to recharge the battery.
that does explain a lot.

 

by Cobb
9-23-03
where have you been hiding?
is that an economic question? coming from you of all people?
yes. you see i believe that americans will come to see things my way.
you mean smoking dope, trying to play guitar and living in your parent's basement?
yes. a life of total freedom from work. you know where i was, so where were you?
well, if you must know, i was at dick grasso's retirement party.

 

by Cobb
9-23-03
you and i really aren't so different. we are the ultimate expressions of what people desire.
you're dreaming. do you know how many rich and powerful people worship me?
ha. more people desire freedom than desire money.
freedom isn't free.
you must not be able to live with your parents.
uhm well, they got outsourced to india.

 

by Cobb
9-23-03
you know my campaign ran out of money so the california governor thing is history.
you seem to be in good spirits about it.
well, you know everything at bottom is a joke.
i see. so what brings you to church?
well, i'm looking for new ideas to..
father! lock the coffers!

 

by Cobb
9-24-03
you've been really grumpy lately.
it's that damned bear.
but we're not in a bear market.
exactly, but nobody has jobs so he's getting all the credit.
well at least you haven't been outsourced to india.
don't go there. really, just don't.

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
my dad has been out of work for 9 weeks. he's going to hav to take a job 3 states away to pay the bills.
our savings account is empty. my mom has to go back to work and there are 16 applicants ahead of her for a job that pays $50 a day.
my ex-boyfriend is a con artist and the only person that respects me is a dope smoking hippie.
do we still have cat food?

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
Operation Klamath Continues
i cannot explain what happened tonight. are you sure that you chipped huffington properly?
that was years ago how am i supposed to remember?
well it seemed to be working fine before. i mean it did change her from a republican lover to a republican hater.
it got her into bed with al franken, just like you said it would.
i just don't understand why she was talking about bush in the california debates.
it could be interference with the chip in schwartzenegger.

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
so what is it about me that you don't find attractive?
well, i.. it's not that it's just that i..
now that i don't have the escalade you won't go out with me.
well, i didn't really say no. i really am busy saturday. i.. sure i'll go out with you. next week.
you're feeling guilty about the 'priceless antiquities' aren't you?
the thought never crossed my mind.

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
do you worry about what people will say? me being iraqi..
it doesn't matter to me what color you are.
really?
yeah, really. but..
but what? come on, say it.
well, it does matter what color your pants are. don't you own anything blue?

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
now that the candidates have debated, do you have a different opinion of whom you should vote for?
which candidates?
the candidates for the governor of california in the recall election october 7th.
i thought that was cancelled.
no, the 9th circuit of federal judges reversed themselves, sorta. it's back on.
so i really have to vote? damn!

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
so the october 7th vote is back, eh? i dunno who to vote for. who are you voting for?
i'm sorry sir but i'm trying to figure out what you're thinking.
aren't you one of those ivy league, high paid political consultant types out of washington? i mean you guys have ideas right?
well, yes but my job is to find out your ideas, and use them to modify our tactics.
isn't that cheating?
no, no, no, you don't understand. that's how the system works.

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
lemme get this straight. you copy down my ideas, then sell them in washington as your ideas.
not exactly, we call them the people's ideas.
but you decide what to do based on what i say, and you get paid big money?
it's more sophisticated than that, of course.
oh you mean with suits and computers.
why did i get assigned this demographic?

 

by Cobb
9-25-03
so explain this to me. how can this not be a bear market but people lose jobs?
simple. computer productivity made it so fewer people can do the same work.
but doesn't computer productivity also mean that the same people could do more work?
yes but we don't need more work, we need more money.
that makes sense, but somehow it doesn't seem fair if you don't have a job.
let's not bring class warfare into this.

 

by Cobb
9-27-03
you look down.
well, i don't have a job.
already? i mean how did you get out of iraq so soon?
i was never really there. you know, as a predator pilot i did the whole thing remotely.
so you're not getting any benefits?
nobody has invented a media savvy term for my ailment yet.

 

by Cobb
9-27-03
you know if you look on google, you'll probably find some name for your ailment.
google doesn't get inside insurance company databases. i need to hack.
why insurance companies?
no disease or ailment is curable unless insurance companies recognize it and pay doctors.
but you really are sick aren't you?
that really depends on the results of this port scan.

 

by Cobb
9-27-03
i hear you're hacking for a cure.
if i can find out what insurance companies are calling the post gulf war 2 disease, i'll be first in line for benefits.
but you didn't actually go to iraq. you were just a predator pilot.
i was a combattant.
you sat behind a videogame console. the worst thing that could happen was your predator got shot and your screen goes blank.
don't you realize how stressful that was?

 

by Cobb
9-27-03
so have you found it yet?
insurance companies are behind the curve on network security. they have no idea.
so you've got the holy grail, eh?
..memo regarding preliminary assessment vis a vis actuarial factors attending gulf war psychological claimant standing pursuant to..
clearly a tempting target to script kiddies.
you've just got to know the right keywords.

 

by Cobb
9-28-03
i had a question for you.
are you still here?
you said your parents got outsourced to india. how does that work?
simple. american companies lay off high paid high skilled workers here and then hire low paid high skilled workers there.
so in order to get a job in an american company, your folks went to india.
there *are* other reasons.

 

by Cobb
9-30-03
alright, i'm really nervous.
why? don't you back the president?
have i talked to anyone but you about what i do?
leaks are illegal. what are you worried about?
don't joke with me. i'm cia. i know what's possible.
so. are you going to let me out?

 

by Cobb
10-01-03
do you remember when we talked several months ago?
yeah, you're that weapons inspector guy, right?
yeah. i was with unovic.
you meant unmovic right?
yes, i mean no. they were totally different. we were just volunteers working for ross perot.
i haven't told anyone. really.

 

by Cobb
10-01-03
..so just kill him.
but if i kill him, it will prove that i'm cia. if i leave him alone..
..he may believe it anyway and say something.
i'll have to destroy his credibility just in case. if that fails, then i'll kill him.
sounds logical. by the way, who are we talking about?
hey, i'm just thinking out loud.

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