All comics by Screwball

Profile

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Okay, Satan stuck you with me for a reason...what is it...
Well...
Stop fuckin procrastinating! WHY??
Him...
Ah thoaht Ah tol' Shaten Ah dhidn wan' nah fhuchikin Mexhichan ehn mah ohfifce.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Newt...
Whahat tha hail da Ah havh' ta shay ahbhout th' fucchkin Mexhichan?? Ah don' whan ah mechican neah may!
Shut up, Newt, or...
Shhe's farred!
Newt, you stupid venereal pusbag, you can't fire anyone here. Especially not MY DAMN SECRETARY OF STATE.
Thhat's naht wha' th' ghhoahst a Thy Chobb tol meh..

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Twan, there are perks to being straight!
Like?
Oral sex...when you perform oral sex on a woman, it's wonderful...And Transies don't count!!
Well, Snake, That's fine for you...
But Bi is who I am
No, stupid is what you are...

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Snake, Being bi is a new world
You mean a new horror movie
Would you stop with that?
Or what?
Or...Or...or else you'll watch Queer as Folk with me and I'll tell you for 45 minutes what a piece of ass Peter Paige is!
Twan, that's the lamest thing you've ever come up with.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Stop before you say a word.
But...
Let's trade. You try being bi for a week and I'll try being straight for a week
No way, man, that stuff isn't for me.
See what I' m getting at?
You're a dickhead.

 

by Screwball
11-26-04
We all know Friday the 13th is a bad day.
Now imagine a Friday the thirteenth...
Trying to pull 2 fighting drag queens apart while your best friend laughs his ass off.
It was funny!

 

by Screwball
11-26-04
I wish people would understand.
Just because I live in Oklahoma, doesn't mean I'm a hick!
Mike, where've ya been? It's time to slop the hogs and clear the barn floor for the square dance!
Sigh...

 

by Screwball
11-26-04
Daniela...I understand that you have no formal training...I understand you're from Texas
I even understand that you like the phone
But for christ's sake, you can't call people up and ask them if they eat perro caca!!
Why not? Do you?

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
So my friend Matt from Houston and I went to Charlie's on Pride Night, and we ran into the first boy I had a crush on.
Matt got his number, and I got dust.
My friends all get laid more than I do.
Yes, because we're all better looking.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
Twan, I thought I said I won't go a date with you.
What can it hurt?
It can hurt me...
Let's make a deal...
What the fuck are you, Monty Hall?
Ha ha. Just one date. If you don't like it, I'll jump into a shark tank, or go on Halsted in a G-string.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
So, Twan, you finally got a date with Sarah.
Yeah...
Are you planning to do the Macy thing with her.
Mike...
Cause if you are, use more KY
I don't think I'll ever sleep on the futon again.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
Hey, I'm here for our date.
I said we had a date?
Uh...don't you rememember?
No, I was too busy...
Wondering if the cocaine high I must have been on had worn off.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
So where did you want to go?
Up to you.
Really? I was thinking of going to the Mall of America.
You know, that's funny.
Really?
Yeah, I was also thinking of going to a public execution.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
Tell me something, Sarah...is this date going well?
Want me to answer that honestly?
No.
It's the best date I ever had.

 

by Screwball
11-27-04
Twan, don't take it the wrong way...you're a great guy and all...I just keep expecting you to fuck up.
Hey, I keep waiting for it to happen myself
You don't have much faith in yourself
When all your friends are more successful than you are, what else are you supposed to do?
Including your friends, the Three Stooges?
I see what you mean.

 

by Screwball
11-28-04
So the date with Sarah went well...
Yeah...
Who the hell's this??
Beelzebub.
Hello, good citizen...oh, it's you again, motherfucker...

 

by Screwball
11-28-04
Republican Man, this is a shock...I thought you just went into hibernation.
I did, but things are bringing me out of it.
Like?
Colin Farrell and his whole Anti-Bush campaign. Look, we're not vengeful people in the Republican party. We won, so we're not too sore...
Right. So what's his punishment?
Well, we just "discovered" he owes 6 million dollars in back taxes...

 

by Screwball
11-28-04
The war in Iraq is one of the better things to happen to the Republican Party.
Are you living back in 1988?
No, seriously, it makes us look like the stronger party.
Is that right?
Yep...Eventually, Iraq was going to take over the world.
...just after Tom Green got nominated for an Oscar.

 

by Screwball
11-28-04
So Iraq was a good idea, huh?
Of course.
So you admit it was all a war for oil, and Iraq is conveniently next door to Kuwait and all its oilfields??
No, it was a war to liberate the Iraqi people from terror
So you admit you're full of more crap than a rest stop in Wisconsin?
I'm Republican Man, I have to stick by our rhetoric. Curse you, Real Americans don't think for themselves!

 

by Screwball
11-28-04
Look, Republican Man, this is ridiculous. I'll never be a Republican, you're all evil overeducated bastards.
And you'd rather be an undereducated Democrat? What good would you be then?
Uh...hell, I got nothin.
You see?

 

by Screwball
12-01-04
Josh, I have an idea...let's go to Berlin.
Berlin? Fuck no!
Remember the last time we were there?
Yeah. By the way, Josh, you still owe me for all the drinks you ordered for the entire club.
I figured you had more than I did when you brought that drag queen home, so we're even.

 

by Screwball
12-01-04
Luke, I wonder sometimes about things
Like what?
Well...would things be different if we hadn't went out there?
I'm wearing no underwear.
That really didn't help.
Ask a stupid question...

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
Last year, I went to Billings, Montana for the national rodeo. Or I was supposed to.
However, I ended up on the wrong flight, and went to the National Gay Rodeo
I should have known something was wrong when the guy in the seat next to mine was wearing rainbow ruffles and a shirt saying "Kiss me, I'm riding him."

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
Twan, today you'll learn some confidence
I don't wanna.
But you'll have to to meet people.
What's in it for me?
If you don't, I'll knock the shit out of you.
Incentive!

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
Ah...we've got a problem.
What?
Remember that Spanish drag queen who said she was in a hurry to get home after we both had her?
Yeah. What about it?
She's just moved in.
This is why I shouldn't have cut Spanish class...

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
I've got an idea...why don't we go to Charlie's?
Yeh, why not.
This should be fun...
Just remember the last time we were there.
What happened last time?
Before or after you threw the drink in the sumo wrestler's face?

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
At the newest bar that will open and close in a week:
Are you feeling it yet?
Trendy doesn't translate to two-year lease
Feeling what? Nauseous?
This place sucks. Let's go to Neo.

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
Josh, have you ever thought we spend too much time going to bars?
No, but it's a good thought
What else can we do...
I don't know...
I know! Let's go to...er...uh...Clark's on Clark?
No, Charlie's!

 

by Screwball
12-02-04
So what do you enjoy most about going to bars?
The atmosphere.
The bar fights!
The people and the eye candy.
When the drinks are good.
The dancing.
When the place burns down and I'm there to see it.

 

by Screwball
12-03-04
Jesse, how long have we been friends?
About 4 years now
So everytime we're out hanging, and I'm interested in them
STOP TELLING THEM I SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHEN WE HAD THE CAR ACCIDENT!!
Even if you did? You want me to be truthful, don't you?

 

by Screwball
12-03-04
On Pride Night, Matt and I took two guys to a hotel and got laid.
It was my first time getting laid on Pride Night, and it didn't go well afterward, especially because my shoes were too damn new, so I couldn't walk.
If you're laughing and thinking something else right now, I suggest you stop.
That you got fucked?

 

by Screwball
12-03-04
Nichol, I have a problem.
Might I ask what it is?
It's Neal again.
Did you do the log thing?
That's what I wanted to talk to you about...
Here's some Viagra.

 

by Screwball
12-09-04
You're going to say it, aren't you?
Say what?
You know...That.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Usually Josh is not annoying. This is different
FOR CHRISTSAKE, SAY IT!
I love doing this

 

by Screwball
12-11-04
Everything has a purpose.
So what's yours?
To be a porn star?
You? Hah!
If by pornstar you whore at Steamworks, then that's more like it.

 

by Screwball
12-12-04
You know, Twan, I could get you a blind date...
Forget it.
Now what's wrong with my blind dates?
Remember the last time you set me up?
yeah...hahahah...how loud did you scream after she punched you in the stomach??
Someday, you'll pay for this.

 

by Screwball
12-12-04
They always say things would be better in this country if the government listened to them.
"They" always sound like Rush Limbaugh.

 

by Screwball
12-13-04
Tell me, am I really that unattractive?
You want me to be honest?
Of course.
Happy Birthday to you! You live in a zoo! You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

 

by Screwball
12-13-04
Okay, so I went to Little Jim's on my birthday and it was the grossest thing I've ever seen.
Only the bartenders were hot. And they weren't my type.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Sometimes I wonder why you never shut the fuck up.

 

by Screwball
12-17-04
Josh, you've got to make sure you don't piss anyone off this time.
Now what are you talking about
Josh, the last time we were there, you called a lesbian Ma'mn.
What's the problem with that?
Were you mad because her beard was thicker than yours?
Now YOU'RE pissing ME off.

 

by Screwball
12-17-04
There was a headline the day after the election "How can 58,000,000 people be so stupid?"
At first I was mad, but then I figured something out.
All the people who voted for Bush also watch American Idol. Stupid is as stupid does.

 

by Screwball
12-19-04
The guy that shot Dimebag from Pantera was supposedly upset about Pantera's break-up
So he shot him.
He just effectively ended Pantera's chances of ever getting back together. Nice going, dumbass.

 

by Screwball
12-21-04
I'm one of those quiet people you never hear about.
One second I'm reading a book...
And the next second you're chopping up people in your basement.
Get fucked.

 

by Screwball
12-21-04
Sometimes we should do something else.
Like...??
Go join a baseball league.
Baseball??
Isn't that the sport with the guys in the shorts and the really cute...
You're hopeless.

 

by Screwball
12-21-04
So, will you go on another date with me?
No.
NO?? Why not?
Because you touch yourself at night.

 

by Screwball
12-21-04
Sure, I rag on Oklahoma City all the time. I make it like the place sucks.
But deep down inside...
It blows like Linda Lovelace on fast forward.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Heh, a funny thing happened the other night after you left.
What?
Somebody hit on me!
What's funny about that?
He had a hook and an eyepatch.
You do seem to attract a lot of pirates...

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Ready to go out?
Yeah, but where are we going tonight?
I was thinking a new place?
Yeah? Where?
There's this new place out on the strip called Babylon...
I think we watch too much Queer As Folk.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Jeff, what's our purpose in life?
To fuck as many ewes as possible?
Jeff, have you been overdosing on the Viagra again?
Heyyyy, at least my dick's longer than yours now! 8-X

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Tasha, what's my purpose?
What do you mean?
Well, I just wanted to know what my purpose in life is.
I wouldn't know, but the next time I have to clean off the futon after you've been on it, I'm going to send you a computer virus.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Barry Bonds recently admitted he was taking steroids.
His defense was he didn't know they were 'roids.
This just in: I didn't know that was Marijuana, but some guy walked up to me and told me to smoke it.

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »