All comics by Zimri

 

by Zimri
10-23-05
You know, they're called "Asians" now.
Never! I shall continue to call them "Orientals" to seem different, old fashioned, and superior!
...your lucky I'm so hungover.

 

by Zimri
10-23-05
Wow. We were all pretty hammered last night.
Yes, we were.
You look like you could use some dick--I mean, water.

 

by Zimri
10-24-05
So, this is some Buddgist temple, eh?
Yeah, fascinating, isn't it?
I puked in a fountain.
And I lit a monk on fire.

 

by Zimri
10-24-05
I went up to a random man landscaping my neighbor's home today and spoke to him in Spanish.
Turns out he was Italian, and he proclaimed me racist for assuming he was Hispanic.
I replied, "Sorry, the smell was the same."

 

by Zimri
10-24-05
To raise a barn, to plow the field...these are the truths the world has forgotten, Ezekial.
Aye, aye.
You, uh, still got that butt plug I lent you?
I'll let you take it out. Oh, and no hands.

 

by Zimri
10-24-05
So, you know, I'm bi, and you're gay.
I knew these things.
Guys are constantly horny, you know.
Well, duh.
...we're both guys and therefore constantly horny.
Look, I refuse to sleep with you. Your ass isn't furry enough.

 

by Zimri
10-24-05
So the good news is that you're alive and well.
And the bad news?
I had to lop off your testicles and ass.
Did you have to string them around the Christmas tree?
I thought you could use some cheering up.

 

by Zimri
10-25-05
Wow. I can't believe you're mad at someone, Mandingo. You're really such an easygoing guy.
Yeah, I'm like Mother Theresa, except without the history of arson.
And, unlike Mother Theresa, I don't want to fuck you.
She's skinny. I thought you liked fat chicks.
Her corpse is plumping up nicely.
Touche.

 

by Zimri
10-25-05
You're starting to get more recognition on the site.
Yeah...it makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually. I've got to be funnier now.
Yeah, no more half-ass comics just for filler.
And also no more tricking my grandmother into thinking my penis contains the cure for her mental retardation.

 

by Zimri
10-25-05
You know, I saw a documentary on Somalia the other night on TV. Like, wow, man, wow.
I know, they have so little there.
Man, I also got a flu shot today and it hurt my arm like the dickens.
I have to replace a lightbulb in my heated, two-story home.

 

by Zimri
10-25-05
I am a demon god of conquest! I will call down a mighty reckoning upon you!
TAKE THAT! I am lord and master of all I survey!
Hon, can we have sex?
One second. Let me finish telling this cam whore what to do.

 

by Zimri
10-26-05
Para El Mandingo.
I am Abe Vigoda, bitch!
I can see that.
Come with me! You belong with me!
Yeah, right.
Drink this spiked punch and dance naked around the bonfire!
Where do I sign up?!

 

by Zimri
10-26-05
Did you finish crapping on the altar?
Yeah, how did masturbating all over the communion wafers go?

 

The Directions for my Contact Lenses
"Insert gently, then after ensuring penetration, rub vigorously and pat dry."
by Zimri, 10-26-05

 

by Zimri
10-27-05
Based on an actual conversation.
You ever think we're wasting our lives playing video games instead of going out and meeting people?
You know, yeah, now that you mention it...all we ever do is sit in your bedroom and do Jagermeister shots and play D&D.
I haven't had sex in ten months.
And my family no longer knows I'm alive...ah, fuck it.
You're right. FIRE MAGIC MISSILE!
COUNTER SPELL OF ABSORPTION!

 

by Zimri
10-27-05
People laugh at us, but to live any other way would be unthinkable.
Aye, aye.
Want to go somewhere tonight? My buddy gave me this mix tape of everything they play at Club Le Boy.
I'll fire up the horse and buggy.

 

Signing onto AIM...
Mandingo: STOP MASTURBATING!
Zimri: All right...you just helped me finish off, anyway.
by Zimri, 10-27-05

 

by Zimri
10-27-05
You'd hate your parents, too.
So, Zimri, your real first name is Luke?
Yes.
Like, haha, Luke SKYWALKER?! HAHA!
...and in the lighter side of the news, a female "goth" was found raped and stabbed to death.
Preliminary reports indicate that the instruments used in both the raping and stabbing were a bottle of Yuengling beer and a Philly cheesesteak.

 

by Zimri
10-27-05
I had some Mexican for lunch.
What kind of Mexican?
He was tall, dark skinned, and had short black hair, and had fingers like a sailor...
Just stop, dude.

 

If I ever get another dog, I'm going to name it "My Inner Child" and attempt to beat it to death daily.
by Zimri, 10-27-05

 

I think that Linda Hamilton is kind of hot.
Of course you do, she's got a penis.
by Zimri, 10-28-05

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
So are you ready for Halloween?
Yep, I've got my costume right here.
But...you always dress that way.
To the untrained eye. I've actually got my vaginal piercing out.
Brilliant! And where is it now?
Where my nose ring usually is.

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
You know what sucks about having sex with a condom?
Everything.

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
A tribute to my favorite beer...
Dude, we're all out of Corona.
Aw, shit, man are you serious?!
...one of my favorite Strippers, Choadwarrior...
...and most of all, to my best friend Alcoac.
Of course not! We've got a whole other case!
Flippin' sweet!

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
You know, I don't think I took my birth control a few months back.
You might be pregnant.
Aw, what the hell, I'll just get an abortion.
And I'll sell the fetus on eBay!

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
So I kicked her in the neck until she shut the hell up.

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
I really love that color on you.
...why are you being so quiet?
You claimed you wanted to talk more before we made love!

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
I swear, I'm an innocent bunny!
Those seals raped themselves!

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
I think these webcams are getting a little out of hand. I mean, there's a Botswana cam, which overlooks a watering hole in the African wilderness.
On the other hand, I will get to see huge female elephants frollicking and splashing around for free.
Usually, I have to go to BBW.com for that kind of action and have to pay double.

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
HCRoyall, I love your Bush comics. Fuck Bush, that's what I say.
I don't want to be anywhere near that retard, let alone fuck him.
But I heard somewhere that he's the most physically fit president ever.
Who said that, Conservative Idiots Weekly?
Actually, Alcoac told me that...so yes, you're right.

 

by Zimri
10-31-05
Contrary to what everyone seems to believe, I do not hit women.
But you come from a long line of wife beaters.
I'll admit that I am occasionally tempted by Rosie O'Donnell.
See what I mean? You WOULD hit a woman.
Hit her? No, I meant she tempts me into masturbation.
...

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
Ooo, baby, smack my ass harder!
Hey...this is pretty hot.
Yeah, you LIKE smacking my ass, don't you?!
I know I would.
Donkeys enhance love making so much!
I couldn't agree more!

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
You're starting to get more recognition on the site.
Yeah...it makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually. I've got to be funnier now.
Yeah, no more half-ass comics just for filler.
And also no more duct taping my penis to my dog's hind leg and scratching his belly furiously.

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
So, Liz, is my IMing you twice in one day too much, dearest?
no
Oh my God, you answered back! Who are you and what have you done with the real Liz!?
And, what did you do to her and what was she wearing?!

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
so did u look at my new pix
Yes, I really liked them.
thnx
I especially enjoyed the one where you were dressed as Alice in Wonderland.
that was of me in my first holy communion dress when i wuz 10
Well, I was jacking off at the time and I had to improvise.

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
i think its disgustin that you masturbate to my myspace pictures
I can't help it, you're really pretty.
well u could just tell me that like a normal person
It's my way of expressing affection.
whut about the tube of semen u sent me in the mail
AFFECTION.

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
did u have fun at my party the other night
Yeah, man, I was fuckin' faced.
me 2, i thru up
Haha, yes, I vomited, as well.
i know we were having sex when u did
Damnit, dude! I told you to reach around, and you didn't so you got what you deserved!

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
ok im goin 2 bed
Mind if I join you? Heh heh heh.
haha ur so silly
No, seriously, I'm coming over.
do u even know where i live....hello

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
so r we goin out 2 eat at that mexican place
Of course, dear. It's bring your own booze, so I'll pick up a bottle of tequila.
mmm tequila
How do you like yours? Plain or with a quaalude--I MEAN A WORM?!
Damnit.

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
So you got free tickets to that Jewish Singles Mixer off the radio, eh?
Yeah. I met a girl and we went out on a date later.
Yeah? Have a good time?
I don't think she liked where I took her.
Where'd you take her?
One of those pizza shops with the huge brick ovens.

 

by Zimri
11-01-05
Dude, I woke up this morning after getting drunk, and I had these wicked deep cuts on my knees!
Really?
Yeah, man, you KNOW it was a good party when you wake up with wounds and you don't remember why!
Ha! I know what you mean! I woke up and my anus was all ruptured and bloody!

 

by Zimri
11-02-05
No, no, no! This is completely wrong!
I ordered a MALE penguin stripper for my bachelorette party!

 

by Zimri
11-02-05
Man, George Bush sure is an idiot.
Right on! Let's impeach his stuttering ass!
That sounds like a lot of work.
Yeah, let's go watch "Fear Factor" instead.

 

by Zimri
11-04-05
There ought to be limits to freedom.

 

by Zimri
11-04-05
A simple lifestyle is the guide to a long and productive life, Ezekial.
Aye, aye.
I'm growing my chest hair. I'll be like a bear!
Rrrrow!

 

by Zimri
11-04-05
I miss you.
thatz sweet...
but u were peekin in my window three hours ago wearing a hockey mask

 

by Zimri
11-06-05
So, you know the plan, right?
Sure.
And remember, don't let anyone see you!
Can I have two copies of European Male and an extra large jar of strawberry KY, please?

 

by Zimri
11-06-05
I'm tired of all the Bush bashing.
Whoa, you didn't mention "warmongering" as one of your turn-ons.
INVADE THAT SHIT LIKE IRAQ! YEAH!
BOMBS AWAY, BITCH!

 

by Zimri
11-07-05
Ah....
...oh man...
...who'd have thought that peeing in the women's rest room at 7-11 would be so satisfying!?

 

by Zimri
11-08-05
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Halloween was a few days ago.
...Halloween? I'm here to murder your ass.

Showing page 5.

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