All comics by agnt_M

Profile

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
I'm not sure what I can say here.
But.
I'll be there for you. I need you scooter. The labels just confuse the hell out of me.

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
Ok. Now that everyone reading this is sufficently nauseated, I'm gonna close by saying: *forehead kiss* and NO MORE DRAMA. I mean it. I'm happier with the warmsnugglies. ...Ya'll want some Antacid?

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
I'd make a joke about the background, but the FCC told me I couldn't make any racist jokes.
That's ok though. I'm an equal opportunity annoyer.

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
Shelly.
SHELLY
HEY, BLONDIE?
Huh?

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
I used to help older women across the street.
But then they started hitting on me.
See, I like older women, I just like the ones that don't walk funny. . . . Wait. That didn't sound right.
Young man, you ain't got the gumption or the stamina!

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
Zip Ties.

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
I hate being misquoted.
I can't get people to get my point, and I keep getting misquoted!
You and me both, kiddo.

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
Is that O.J. Simpson?
You thought I was gonna make a joke, didn't you?

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
It's pretty interesting to live in Irvine.
See what I mean?

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
Holy shit! An Emu.
?
WHY YOU CALLIN 'EMO'?!

 

by agnt_M
11-16-02
James, man. It's 100 degrees out. Aren't you hot?
Naw, I like dressin' in black, man. Makes me feeel cool.
And besides, it makes me different.
Just like everyone else!

 

by agnt_M
11-18-02
Heh heh
Heh... Heh heh
Heh heh, Heh heh
FRRRRRRAPPUCINNO!
Yeah.
Heh.

 

by agnt_M
11-18-02
I love nature.
There's only one problem though.
There isn't a Deitrich's out here for MILES...

 

by agnt_M
11-22-02
Oh no...
What is it?
We're out of Coffee!
GOD NO!

 

by agnt_M
11-22-02
Ok... Ok... STAY CALM--Are we out of that Irish Cream stuff too?
Yes.
LAWD JESUS!
UNPLUG ME! JUST DO IT NOW!

 

by agnt_M
11-24-02
To those of you who know me, I'm taking a sabbatical.
There's just too many things that aren't funny right now.
Oh. And it would literally tear my heart out to receive a 'dear john' or 'reasons why I hate you' e-mail right now.

 

by agnt_M
11-25-02
Hedgehog, Hedgehog, Hedgehog.
Why can't I find the story about the Hedgehog?
So much for a goddamned Sabbatical.

 

by agnt_M
11-25-02
I see Accuras...
All the time...
They don't know they're slow...

 

by agnt_M
11-25-02
You did WHAT?
I put NOS in my Honda.
Couldn't you just pour deisel fuel into a two-liter bottle of coke and get the same effect?

 

by agnt_M
11-25-02
Huh?
Dude. Would you pour Kerosine into your Bowl before taking a bong hit?
Heh heh. Does that work?
Ok, please don't do that.
Will it give me a rush?

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
...You know what I've been thinking?
It's pretty hard to give someone space.
Especially when you don't want to leave their bed...

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
Hi mom.

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
Standup Comedy's kinda a rough gig.
You're supposed to get onstage, overcome your stagefright, and make people think you're funny.
I make people think I'm funny every day...

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
So, I deleted my account from Makeoutclub.com.
You know why that's funny?
I WAS POSTING ON A SITE CALLED MAKEOUTCLUB.COM.

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
What are you doing?
Huh?
You're staring at me kinda funny.
Oh. Waiting for an email.
*PHEW*! I thought you were having some kind of weird transfer-of-affections thing...

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
A 'transfer of affection'?
Well, I figured with they way you react to some of the pictures online, you--
STOP RIGHT THERE.

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
You're waiting for an email?
Yep.
From who?
I'd prefer not to discuss it.

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
Ah. I see. You're waiting for an email from--
STOP IT!
From--
SHHH! She'll HEAR you!

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
The way I see it, your fizzle needs to just get out and do your bizzle. You dizzle?
From now on, I'm moving you out of the room when I listen to Power 106.
FWIPPA-FWIPPA! BIG BOY! GETTA' STOMPIN' IN MA' AER-FORCE ONE!
STOP.
Can you work it? Lemme search it... Find out how hard I gotta--you'd prefer I sing Show Tunes?

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
SHIZZZAAT! WE NEEDS SO' MO' MALT LIQUAA UP IN DIS HEA' JOUINT!
Ok, now you're just getting offensive.
DON'T MAKE ME BUS' A CAP!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THEY SAY PAYBACK'S A M--

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
--EDITED VERSION, PLEASE
DO *NOT* INTERRUP' ME WHEN I'S SINGIN ICE CUBE!
Am I going to have to unplug you again?
WHEN YOU SEE ME ON YOUR BLOCK, CALL THE POLICE. LET THE M--
SHUT YO' MOUTH!
Just singin' 'bout Cube.

 

by agnt_M
11-26-02
I think that was arguably the worst punch line we've ever done.
I'm pretty sure it was.
It was that or get sued for your lyrics.
Oh, like the anti-defamation leauge and the ACLU are gonna come after ME.
They've done stranger things...
HA! NOW WHO'S GETTING SUED?

 

by agnt_M
11-27-02
You are NEVER here anymore!
Uh... Hey Allison.
What are you doing at the Spectrum?
I dunno. Walking around.
You should come for drinks at my place! My roommates are out of town!
Uuuh...

 

by agnt_M
11-27-02
Buy Car Parts!
I don't need Car Parts.
You still want those lowering springs?
Yeah. But I'm broke, and I get pulled over enough as it is.
How about another Melon-Scented Air Freshener thingey refill?
Well I guess I have seven bucks...

 

by agnt_M
11-27-02
You need a spoiler.
I'm aware.
149.99!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE A USED CAR SALESMAN.
Haha that's funny dude...
I was being serious.

 

by agnt_M
11-27-02
Attention drivers of lowered Lexus Altezzas!
If you try to pass my car while I am turning, using an imaginary lane, you may get honked at, or even flipped the bird!
ESPECIALLY when you throw a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at my car!

 

by agnt_M
11-27-02
Little known fact: hanging out in Compton on Crenshaw blvd. is one of the safest places a skinny white kid who dresses decently can be.
You know you're curious.
Wanna know why?
Everyone assumes you're a drug dealer, and must be strapped with at least fourteen different types of automatic weapons.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
I always have to be the nice guy in relationships.
Everybody's bound to do something that irks the other person once in a while. I could just say, "Hey, this kinda bugs me." or "What are your thoughts on this?"
Instead, I just hold it all inside till I blow up, and they hear everything at once.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER! As your gift on this monumental occasion, I'd like to offer you a 'get out of guys trying to grope you free' card.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
Irritable and mildly irrational?
I got like two hours of sleep last night.
The sad thing is, he does this often.
This means, getting up at 6 am, I've been up for almost 24 hours straight.
We're not even going to comment on this one.
Maybe I need some sort of medication.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
I'm seriously starting to think I need some sort of medication.
I didn't get any sleep last night after staying up till 4 am.
And I emphatically thanked a customer at Home Depot who cut in front of me in line today.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
When I don't sleep, I forget to eat.
When I don't eat or sleep, I forget that I forgot to do either, and run around not thinking straight but pissed off at the slightest little things.
Makes you wonder if that's why Ice Cube is so testy.

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
My dad and I are astonishing to watch when we're really tired and not eating.
We loose our vocabularies, and replace every other word with "Thing" or "You know" or "Dammit".
Why can't I find the Thing with the You-Know, Dammit! It was here just a minute ago! Brian, have you seen the Thing with the Thing?

 

by agnt_M
11-29-02
I think I'm a little bit better at it than my dad though.
When I don't sleep or eat I replace my loss of vocabulary with baseless accusations.
Which always makes for good, healthy conversations.

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
He flaked on me this weekend again. I'm so pissed off--I'm not speaking with him.
You flaked on me last weekend.
I did?
Yeah. Then I got pissed off, said some things I didn't mean because I was mad you flaked, and I got a "This Isn't Going To Work"â„¢

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
That's not fair. You were pissed at me for five nights in a row.
That's because I was neroutically afraid of loosing you again.
I need to go...
agnt_M always had a way with the ladies...

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
Look, I understand we're just friends.
Friends is all I can handle right now.
So, can I touch your breast again?
DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
Neck Smooch.
Stop.
Sorry.
You're going to make me be do something bad.
THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
Ok. So I ran into you at Starbucks. We talked.
Yes.
You started crying on the way to your truck, so we talked some more. We hugged.
Yes.
So I came over there with flowers, because I hate to see you cry. I thought it would make you feel better.
Do you have a point?

 

by agnt_M
12-07-02
Hug at Starbucks, you left crying.
I'm still not seeing a point to this.
I came over with flowers to cheer you up, and got a 'Go Away'
YOU WERE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW FOR 45 MINUTES.
Oh. Right.

Showing page 5.

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