All comics by kane2742

Profile

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
You missed what happened earlier. I was opening a soda and it was all fizzy.
I almost made a sticky mess all over the keyboard, but I got away in time.
You two are disgusting.

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
Can I see your booty?
No!
Come on, show me your chest.
Pervert!
Come back! I'll show you me jewels and introduce you to me seamen!

 

by kane2742
12-10-07
I'm not homophobic; my only problem with gays is having it pushed in my face.
A lot of times, people who say that kind of stuff are closet gays themselves.
That doesn't make sense.
Sure it does; you say you don't want it pushed in your face...
..when secretly you want it pushed in your butt.

 

by kane2742
12-10-07
Oooh! Let's get this; it's half price!
We don't need it.
But it's 50% off!
If we don't buy it, it's 100% off.

 

by kane2742
12-11-07
Hey, look. Some kids selling candy bars for their school.
Hey kids! Come over here!
They seem scared of you.
Come on, kids! I'm not going to molest you or anything; there's another guy right here.
Er, not that I would molest you if he wasn't here. Well, maybe a little.

 

by kane2742
12-12-07
You want to come with me to babysit my niece?
Not really. I follow the advice I saw on a plastic bag once...
"Keep away from small children. May cause suffocation or death."
I'm pretty sure it means to keep the bag away from small children.
That's not a chance I'm willing to take.

 

by kane2742
12-13-07
I'm kind of nervous. I've been invited to go clubbing and I've never done it before. Have you?
Oh yeah. Clubbing's lots of fun.
Really?
Yeah. But where are you going to find baby seals around here?

 

by kane2742
12-13-07
I splurged on a new 24 in. LCD monitor.
I splurged on a new HDTV.
Gross. The only thing I've ever splurged on is my sheets, and maybe my keyboard once.
What?

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
Did you see Dan? He looks kind of blue.
Maybe he's just one of those people who gets depressed aroung the holidays.
No, I mean blue like a Smurf.
Oh, yeah, that. I think he's been holding his breath for the last five minutes.
And you didn't think to do anything about that?
He'll stop eventually, one way or another.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
Are you okay? It looks like you're turning kind of blue.
"Read glue label: 'do not inhale.' " You do know that means not to inhale the glue, right?
*Phew* I don't think I could have kept that going much longer without losing brain cells.
Yeah, I'm glad that didn't happen.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
Was that your stomach growling?
I saw a packet of silica gel that said "Do not eat." Seemed like good advice at the time.
Do not eat the gel. Geez, you guys are so suggestible.
Are not.
Are too.
Are too. I mean -- Hmm. Maybe you're right.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
You guys should learn that those labels that say not to eat, inhale, etc., refer only to what they're labeling.
So "do not drink"...?
Don't drink paint thinner; water, soda, etc. is okay.
And "do not swallow"...?
I'm still gonna follow that one.
Damn.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
Hey, have you seen Dick lately?
Now that you mention it, I haven't seen him in about a month.
Yeah. Last time I saw him was when he had me get him Chinese food with poison sauce.
You mean "hoisin sauce"?
Uh-oh.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
I'm glad Dick's not dead. He's just been in the hospital.
Thanks to you accidentally poisoning him.
I'm just glad he's going to be okay.
I don't think you will be.

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
I can't believe it took you guys a month to realize I wasn't around.
People come and go all the time; it's like we exist solely for someone else's amusement.
That's ridiculous.
You're right; who would be amused by our lives?

 

by kane2742
12-14-07
Ow! Ohhh!
What's wrong with you?
I read about coffee colonics so I tried it. It went horribly wrong.
Too much?
Too hot.

 

by kane2742
12-15-07
Have you ever used drugs?
Just marijuana.
That's illegal, you know.
That's why I have my pot in brownie form.
Huh?
It's like McGruff the crime dog says: "Take a bite out of crime."

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
What're you doing?
Making a strip about disturbing internet memes.
Like what?
Goatse.cx and 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Y'know, someone unfamiliar with those is going to look them up and be horrified.
And some sicko will look them up and enjoy it.

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
Are you excited for Christmas?
No. I don't like the brainwashing it makes parents do to their kids.
What do you mean?
Getting them to believe in a magical bearded guy who's always watching to make sure they're good.
Yeah, but Santa Claus is just a harmless fantasy for little kids.
Who said anything about Santa Claus?

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays!
Damn godless liberals and their war on Christmas!
Geez, man. Don't freak out. You really have that big of a problem with "Happy Holidays"?
Well, yeah.
Okay, then. Happy Hanukkah!

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
Why do people like you refuse to acknowledge the true reason for the season?
The Earth's tilt on its axis?
No, I mean the reason for the trees, presents, Yule logs, feasts...
Pagan winter festivals that Christians "borrowed" traditions from?
Hey, Christians have come up with things on their own!
Like pretending that the biggest religious group in the country is the most persecuted?

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
For dinner, your options are bratwurst or Mexican food.
So, which do you prefer: the sausage or the taco?
Umm... taco, I guess.
That's okay, dear. You're my daughter and I love you no matter what.
Huh?

 

by kane2742
12-16-07
Oh, man! Was that you?
Well, I am a ninja...
It's my job to be silent but deadly.

 

by kane2742
12-17-07
How's your sister?
She's pregnant again.
Oh, really?
Yeah, and she's using it as an excuse to eat junk food for three.
She's having twins?
Nope.

 

by kane2742
12-17-07
Hi, Grandma. How's your cat?
He's good. I think he's warming himself by the fireplace right now.
Umm... do you smell burning and hear a screeching noise?
What?
Never mind; it stopped now.

 

by kane2742
12-18-07
Is your family okay with your sister coming out?
Yeah. It's great, actually; I can borrow her porn.
Except the homemade stuff.
Well, sometimes the homemade stuff.

 

by kane2742
12-19-07
Well, I'm off to the snowboarding competition.
Have fun!
Good luck!
Break a leg!

 

by kane2742
12-19-07
Are you ready for your first Christmas in the U.S.?
Yes. I got the pranks ready like Dick told me.
He's messing with you. We don't do pranks on Christmas; that's April Fool's Day.
Oh. Should I get the Icy Hot out of Dick's - how you say? - jockstrap then?
I think we can start a new tradition.

 

by kane2742
12-19-07
How's it going?
I've been feeling pretty stressed lately: work, school, family...
...Everything just seems to stress me out.
Maybe you have an anxiety disorder.
Great, something else to worry about.

 

by kane2742
12-20-07
What do you want for breakfast?
I'll have the Raisin Testicles.
"Raisin Test..." -- You mean "Grape Nuts"?

 

by kane2742
12-20-07
Did you know that Jimmy Dean is sponsoring and renaming the state fair next summer?
I don't care; I'm a vegetarian.
Oh. So I guess you wouldn't want to come with me to the Sausagefest?

 

by kane2742
12-20-07
Son, I know you probably know some of this already, but I think it's time we had a talk.
Oh God. This is gonna be awkward.
You have to be safe out there; you need to use protection. So I bought you these.
Gaaah?
An antivirus program and a firewall.
Phew.

 

by kane2742
12-21-07
I'm going to go lift some weights. Can you spot me?
Sure.
There you are!

 

by kane2742
12-22-07
Mom made some mushroom soup. You want some?
Not if it has sausage in it.
She made it without the sausage.
But the sausage was the best part!

 

by kane2742
12-22-07
My sister bought some "Covergirl" makeup so she can be "easy, breezy, beautiful."
Well, she already has one of the three down.
Beautiful?
Nope.

 

by kane2742
12-22-07
(inspired by william_wraithe/416621)
Prison isn't as bad as I thought it would be. My cellmate seems pretty nice.
Hey, new guy! I'm pretty easygoing, so I'll let you choose: top or bottom?
I'll take the top bunk.
I wasn't talking about bunks.

 

by kane2742
12-23-07
Can you blow up this picture for me?
Sure.

 

by kane2742
12-24-07
Ahhh! Get away, pervert!
Ho, ho -- huh?
You watch us when we sleep, come into our houses at night, have us sit on your lap...
...and, worst of all, you make a list of which kids are "nice" and which are "naughty."
I know which list you're going on.

 

by kane2742
12-25-07
Merry Christmas! ______________ Merry Christmas! ______________
______________ Happy Holidays! ______________ Happy Hanukkah!
Christmas! ______________ Christmas! ______________
______________ Kwanzaa! ______________ Decemberween!
You're just screwing with me now, aren't you?
Maybe a little.

 

by kane2742
12-25-07
What's your sister up to these days?
She works for a stray animal hotline.
Hmm. I understand having a hotline for trained animals, but I don't think strays can dial a phone.

 

by kane2742
12-25-07
Merry Christmas! I got you a present.
Did you ever think that maybe there's more to Christmas than just presents?
You didn't get me anything, did you?
It's the thought that counts.
Did you think about getting me something?
Umm... I am now.

 

by kane2742
12-25-07
Did you get Abby anything for Christmas?
I got her a sexy babydoll.
How can a baby doll be sexy? That's just weird, man.

 

by kane2742
12-26-07
Hey. Did you have a good Christmas?
Yeah.
.......*THUD*....... What the hell, man? Why'd you punch me?
Well, today is Boxing Day.

 

by kane2742
12-26-07
I was reading one of George Carlin's books and he said something I think you'd like.
What's that?
"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
He obviously doesn't listen to much Christian pop.

 

by kane2742
12-26-07
Look at that baby's gigantic head.
Yeah. It'll be hard for him to learn to walk.
But easy to learn to stand on his head.

 

by kane2742
12-27-07
Are you doing anything this weekend?
I'm going to see my cousin Jimmy and his son, Jimmy Jr.
Jimmy and Jimmy? That must get confusing.
Well, we call Jimmy Sr. "Big Jimmy."
That would be a cool nickname.
Yeah, but I feel kind of sorry for Little Jimmy.

 

by kane2742
12-27-07
My aunt likes to date much older men.
She's like the opposite of a pedophile.
A necrophiliac?
Not quite that far.

 

by kane2742
12-27-07
That's it! You're grounded.
For how long?
Until you're out of the house.
So... I can't go anywhere until I go somewhere?

 

by kane2742
12-27-07
Don't you think you've had enough wine?
I'm just finishing up what's left from Christmas.
Besides, I haven't even finished this glass.
Yeah, but you had no trouble finishing the eight before it.

 

by kane2742
12-28-07
It's almost New Year's. Are you excited?
Woo hoo, Earth has reached an arbitrary point in its orbit once again.
Is that a hint of sarcasm I detect?
Noooo.
You should make a New Year's resolution to be less sarcastic.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Showing page 5.

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