All comics by lukket

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by lukket
4-07-04
I'm sorry mam, but your son was killed instantly. Nothing we can do about that.
You mean... he's dead?
That appears to be the case, but maybe Doctor Bizarro can help you.
Doctor Bizarro?
I sense money and grave trouble ahead. Mmm... money...
Mmm... grave trouble...

 

by lukket
4-07-04
I came to you because my son is dead.
I'm saddened to hear of your loss.
I hoped you could help me instead of dispensing condolences!
Nobody can undo God's decisions!
But I'm willing to pay.
Meet me at midnight by his grave. Bring a blank cheque!

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Here's the cheque
Thank you.
What now? Aren't you going to do something?
Oh yes. I nearly forgot. I'll leave you with your son. Whatever you say, don't use the word "see", or something bad may happen!
Hi Mark! I never thought I'd see you again.
Noooo...

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Nothing bad happened?
Apparently not
God bless Doctor Bizarro. I paid for him to save your life.
What did you pay with?
Uh... a blank cheque?
Noooo...

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Seven years later...
Aw man. That movie was great!
Yeah. I think Mark Hamill has a great future ahead of him!
Mark who?
You know. The guy that played Han Solo.
That was Harrison Ford!
Harrison who?

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Let's face it. We don't go well together.
I guess you're right.
I mean, we don't notice the same things in a movie.
Yeah. It's not like we ever agree.
Yeah. Exactly. We would just fight if we dated regularly.
Yeah. I hate fighting.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
To get in the right break-up mood, let's say what's wrong with eachother.
Good idea. I hate it ... um ... when you're not around!
You know, I hate it even more when YOU are not around! Take that!
I ... I hate your ... um ... farts!
Oh where should I start... There are so many things ... like ... you know ... I hate disco!
Oh yeah. Me too.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Well, let's not fight. Let's agree to break up as friends.
Yeah. That's cool and mature.
My parents are away tonight. Do you want to come home to my place and celebrate our break-up?
Yeah.
And tomorrow we can begin seeing other people!
Yeah. That's going to be a relief!

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Great dinner. You're a marvelous cook!
My pleasure.
I wish I could find a boy-friend who would cook for me!
Yeah. I wish I could find a girl-friend who would appreciate my food.
Well. I'm sure you'll find her.
I hope that too, but I don't think I'll ever be that lucky.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
So, this is my bedroom.
Hey, it's nice! It's getting hot in here.
So take off all your clothes.
After you.
There. I still feel hot, though...
Yeah. You are.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Do you want to try my bed?
Why not. That seems like a thing a friend would do.
Hold my hand in a friendly manner.
Alright. Hey... that's not my hand!!?
Should I stop?
Yes ... please ... but ... not ... yet ...

 

by lukket
4-07-04
You're welcome to stay for the night.
I don't know. We're just friends, right?
Yeah. Friends stay over all the time without any worries.
And I'm still a virgin. I plan to stay that way until I marry.
So do I. Hmm... look at the size of that thing...
I'll ... oh my ... stay ... then.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
The next morning...
That was my best break-up ever!
Yeah. Mine too.
But what we did was wrong.
Yeah. We'll never do it again.
You mean the pre-marital sex??!
No, lose our virginity.

 

by lukket
4-07-04
Oh my! What time is it?
It's 7 A.M.
My parents are coming home in fifteen minutes! I don't want them to see you here.
I understand. I'll turn the lights on and get dressed.
Hey!? Where did you go, Mark?
I'm right here, Lucy! Where are you?

 

by lukket
4-07-04
You must be joking. Where do you hide? Ouch!
Where do YOU hide?
Oh shit! I can't even see my own arm!
I can't see mine either. We've turned invisible??
We can still see other people, right?
Maybe, but can they see us?

 

by lukket
4-10-04
I'm on a ball.
I'm on a ball, this time.
I feel my lock could change.
Come on you damn locksmith...

 

by lukket
4-10-04
Depeche Mode...
My own, personal jesus!
Uh oh...
David Bowie: And when I get excited, my little China girl says
I'm so excited, I just can hide it, I am gonna lose control and I think I like it.
Oh baby just you shut your mouth!
Radiohead: Spinning plates
While you make pretty speeches
I'm being cut to shreds

 

by lukket
4-10-04
Karma police, arrest this man. He talks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge, he's like a detuned radio!
Those are serious offences
Karma Police, arrest this girl. Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill, and we have crashed her party.
I'll see what I can do about it.
Can you believe it, I was booked for having a Hitler hairdo!? Those youngsters should be shot for trespassing!
2+2=5, bzzzzzz.... ffffffsfsfffffsfsfff...

 

by lukket
4-10-04
In India
I'll want a big juicy beef steak!
In Saudi Arabia
Please flip me some sausage, eggs, bacon and spam!
In the UK
I'd like a good traditional English meal!

 

by lukket
4-10-04
The head of state has called for me - by name.
Jesus Christ! You are an intolerable rebel.
But I don't have time for him.
Take him to the cross!
It's gonna be a glorious day. I feel my luck could change.
Oooh, my own personal Jesus!

 

by lukket
4-11-04
How come I hate visiting my grandmother? I liked her a lot as a kid...
Go away you silly Jehova's witnesses youngsters!
Grandma. It's me, Michael!
I'll tell your mother to make sure you get a job instead of running around intimidating people with that false religion!
Now I remember...

 

by lukket
4-11-04
Grandma, I do have a job. I work as an IT supporter.
What's this "eye tea", and why do you absolutely have to support it. Isn't ordinary tea good enough for you!?
"IT" stands for information technology, grandma, and I help people when it doesn't work.
So you fix people's T.V.'s? That's a good job, boy. I often told your granddad to buy us a T.V., but he never thought it would catch on.
No, Grandma, listen, I help people with their computers.
Oh, that sounds dangerous with all those viruses that are around. I do hope you remember to take your vitamins.

 

by lukket
4-11-04
Those computer viruses are not real viruses. They only infect computers. Besides I only help people with their Office applications.
Non-existing viruses and office appliances? I'm getting very confused by all this.
It's not office appliances, it's Office Applications!
Who in their right mind would apply their office? It doesn't make sense.
Oh well. It's hard to explain. Let's just say that I give support to the non-computer minded.
You begin to sound like that Scientology guy I threw out yesterday.

 

by lukket
4-11-04
When do we get to see your girl-friend?
I don't have a girl-friend at the time.
It's ok. We are not condemning. You can tell me what his name is.
What? I don't have a boy-friend. I prefer girls.
That's nice to hear. Your granddad and I look forward to having great grand children. And we don't get any younger, you know. Please think of your old grand parents.
As if my performance anxiety wasn't great enough already.

 

by lukket
4-11-04
You should get a sound hobby, sweetie, that's the way I met your granddad.
He was in the YMCA, and I was in the YWCA, and during a jamboree, I lost my way in the night, and he let me stay in his tent.
And we did more than just roasting marshmellows, if you know what I mean.
I wish I could delete that internal picture I just got.

 

by lukket
4-11-04
Now, I hope you have a good and educational hobby.
Yeah. I have my own homepage and blog, and I make online comics and Photoshops.
It's nice to hear that you are not one of those crazy youngsters who are addicted to internet. But what do all those fancy words mean?
Um... you could say that I provide content to the new wave of entertainment...
I've told your granddad that there's a great future in T.V., but he won't listen.

 

by lukket
4-11-04
If you don't mind, I have to go to the bridge club in half an hour.
It's ok. I'll leave now.
It's nice to hear about your life. Be careful with those computer viruses.
*sigh* Yes. I'll take care.
Thank God! I survived another visit at grandma's. From now on, it can only be better.
Achoo!

 

by lukket
4-18-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? We're in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Kill the most wicked witch?
What about finishing the one you're standing on off first? It's not like we have much gravity here.

 

by lukket
4-18-04
*sigh* - another birthday nobody remembers. Ah there's a good spot to pee.
Ah... that's good.... Hey! Do you mind!?
Surprise!
Surprise!
Surprise!

 

by lukket
4-18-04
#1
Congratulations ma'am, you gave birth to a perfectly normal and healthy boy!
#2
I'm sorry Mrs. Kent, but Mz... Myxa... Myp... Mxyzptlk had a serious speech impediment and was not able to pronounce his name backwards...
#3 At the Wayne Family grave
Bruce Wayne is a wimp!

 

by lukket
4-24-04
Why do you play that stupid videogame?
It's not stupid. It helps me train important skills.
Why don't you train those outdoors
Don't be so negative. Come try it.
Hey! I'm pretty good at this. And I haven't trained.
Um, that's probably because we're still watching the intro!

 

by lukket
4-25-04
Welcome to the bukkake filming session. Please follow me to the set.
Much later
Could someone please clean that lens!?

 

by lukket
5-02-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
WAAAAH! ALL PEOPLE FORGET TOBOR. NOBODY FEAR TOBOR.
RAAAAAR! BROTO BLAME SCO GROUP! THEY CORNHOLE ALL LINUX USERS BEFORE WE GET TO THEM!

 

by lukket
5-07-04
Welcome to "Suzie's Swingers Club". Step in and remove your clothes, please.
I love this place. Nobody jokes about my weight in the black room.
Yummy... you are well-equipped!
Oh... Hng... you suck it so well
Bryan? Is that you?
Sorry mother...

 

by lukket
5-08-04
I have an expert with me. Would it improve the president's chances of re-election, if he let Donald Rumsfeld go?
I... I don't know... I don't really have an opion
You must have some sort of opion?
I think I've got an idea...
So?...
Don't you think Dubya should let Rummie go. Those disgusting pictures from Iraq surely made my stomach turn inside out. Don't you just hate that?

 

by lukket
5-08-04
man, that was a lot of fun. we should do this again sometime!
sorry, i don't date the customers.
wait, what?
sorry, thought i was at work!

 

by lukket
5-23-04
So this concludes today's lecture on division. Any questions?
We have a question professor!
Could your method of division be applied to other numbers than the ones in the examples?
If so, our father at Holy Cross Operation might have a job open for you in the research labs.
Well, it's not my ... sorry... it's not a problem.
You will be contacted shortly.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Hello, this is Professor Estoppel speaking.
Hello. I'm Darth of the HCO, owner of Eunuchs. My sons tells me that you possess a method of dividing numbers. Is that correct?
Yes that is correct.
Consider yourself hired! We need you at our offices tomorrow.
By the way, aren't you the company that sues the entire tech industry for dubious causes?
I find your lack of faith very disturbing.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Hello. How may I help you?
Eh. Is this not the address of the Holy Cross Operation head office?
Yes, sir. But we have to maintain this cover-up to protect us from the hordes of hackers from the online communities!
How is that going to work?
They come here, think they have reached the wrong place, buys our tex-mex food and then never return.
Oh, that explains the long queues at the public restrooms in this town.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Welcome to the Holy Cross Operation, professor. I will introduce you to your assignments
Thanks. What is going to be my field of research?
You will document your method of division and report back to me. Furthermore you will investigate books and scientific reports on division and report any use of your method there back to me.
Will you publish the results?
No! Nobody will read them.
Ah. I'm used to that with my students.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Haven't seen you before. You must be new? What are you researching?
Well. I was hired to do some research on division. I'm not quite sure what we're going to need it for, though.
Ah. You see, the HCO is a litigious organisation. We purchase patents and copyrights and then sue people that infringe on them.
But, my method of division is school book text. How on earth will we be able to claim to own that? It's public domain, for all I know.
Well. That's why it takes some legal tactics to both sue for infringement and for getting the rights in the first place.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
What's your role here, anyway?
I am the grim reaper.
What do you do here at the Holy Cross Operation?
Well. We are suing humanity, because we're losing billions of dollars every day!
How on earth can you claim that? How can we earn money on death!?
Exactly! How can we earn money on death when our competitors do it for free, or claim that my assistance is not needed!?

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Hello ma'am, I've come to deliver a subpoena for your son!
Lenny! I think it's the RIAA again!
Hello Lenny. I'm representing The Holy Cross Operation. Here's a subpoena to go to court.
What have I done wrong?
We have indications that you may have infringed upon a patent regarding division.
Mother, I think it's candid camera!?

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Professor, I've read your report, but there's one thing that bothers me. You write that the method was invented many centuries ago and that it is unpatentable and public domain!?
Yes? That's correct.
We've stricken that part. I would prefer if you didn't write things like that.
But it's the truth!
The truth? The truth is that we pay you very well to write these reports.
Point taken.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Better write my concerns on the Yippee! business boards in the HCO section.
Hey you newbie! I put my money in HCO stock because I believe they will prevail in their law suits. Your claim that division is free is just as un-american as communism!
Hey commie, it's against the U.S. constitution to just give away ideas and concepts. Therefore division must be paid for. That's why I invest in HCO!
It's people like you that chokes the IT sector in America with your ideas that earning money is a crime!
What a dweep you are! I would date you if you hadn't those strange concepts of property!
OK. Maybe the stories on http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/ are not fictional after all...

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Here's the business news. Holy Cross Operation is suing for infringement on their division patents.
Math professors world wide and the so-called open source movement are extremely critical of this.
This reporter thinks that this is because they expect to get everything for free. Business will die if such crucial information was free.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
We want payment for the continuing infringement on our division patents that we have suffered through centuries.
They have gone to far. I quit tomorrow. This is against my professional integrity.
Thank you Darth. Since announcement of the litigations to enforce the division patents, the HCO stocks have gained drastically.
Yeah. We don't have a product, and we use the news to artificially inflate our stock prices. Sheesh. I'm so quitting.
All employees of the HCO can thereby look forward to a raise since they all have stock options.
Maybe it's not that bad after all.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Can I talk to your Chief Executive Officer, please?
I AM the Chief Executive Officer of Alabama Instruments. How may I help you?
I come from HCO, and we have an offer for you. If you pay us $10,000,000,000 in royalties for the division feature of your calculators we will not sue.
How can you do that? Are you a successor in interest to Ahmes? He was the first mathematician you know.
What matters is that WE have the copyright and patent registration.
Whatever you do. Don't ask if they have patented breathing.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Welcome to the preliminary proceedings in "HCO versus Alabama Instruments". I believe the defendant has two motions?
That's correct. We have filed a motion to dismiss, and if that does not succeed, we would like to remand this case to a federal court as it is clearly a copyright case.
What does HCO counsel have to say on this?
We deny both motions. This is clearly a contract case: We wanted to offer them a contract and they refused!
OK. I'm not going to get late for lunch, so I deny both motions and accept jury trial for this case.
Good decision. I believe the table is ready for you, your honor.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Hi new guy. Do you like to be here?
I don't know. I feel it to be quite hard on my conscience.
Your what?
My conscience. You know. Like when you do something bad on purpose that makes people hurt, and you feel all sorry for it.
Like when you spend all of the rent money for buying a flame thrower and meet your landlord on the doorstep after a killing spree?
OK. I'm quitting.

Showing page 5.

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