All comics by DJWeeman

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by DJWeeman
10-16-03
This is a sad day love.
Are we going to marry Margaret Thatcher?
No. Pablo got so hungry he ate himself.
Ouchies!!
We'll have to bury him the normal way, covering his remaining worthless limb with our feces.
Just like my daddy taught me to do when we were out of Wonder Bread.

 

by DJWeeman
10-18-03
This is horrid honey. Our food is all gone, the corpse is starting to smell, and there's no way out.
You said it Long Shanks, I'm thinking of digging up the golds.
Mildew has started to grow on my testicles, and you're making less sense then usual. This couldn't get much worse.
This reminds me of that time I saw Rent, and I cried.
Well, maybe if carrot top or some other idiot came it would be worse.
What are you guys doing in my prison? I asked for black midgets that looked like gary coleman, but i guess a cow and cigarette are close enough.

 

by DJWeeman
10-18-03
Captain Pickle, you have a dungeon?
It's just a good thing to have around.
No, really, what kind of person has a prison in their house?
Are you trying to say capturing and binding people to have your way with them isn't normal?
Yeah, it's not too normal from the other houses I've been in.
Then some people just don't know a good thing when they see it. Nothing says I love you like a paddle and a wiffle ball.

 

by DJWeeman
10-18-03
Well, at least we're safe my cow pattie. He can release us and we can make our way into the bliss of Mexico.. or Canada..
Oh, I'll let you out. All the way.
Why thank you.
But umm, it'll cost you, if you know what I mean.
No, I don't know what you mean. What do you mean it'll cost me?
Someone needs to come to my house more often. I'll give you a demonstration my flaming friend.

 

by DJWeeman
10-18-03
'Bout time you got back Molly Folly, I was thinking you had left me on the barbie-que grill.
I just got back from a visit to Captain Pickles bedroom...
Well, don't leave me in suspense Alamo, how was the flow?
I've never felt so wrong in all my life.
But, enough about me Mr. Drummond, how about you?
I'm going to go sit in the corner and cry myself to sleep. Excuse me.

 

by DJWeeman
10-18-03
I hope you all brought your eager caps, cause I'm ready for a rumble in the jungle.
I love field trips. Just don't forget to floss.
Let's see, it looks like beef is on the menu tonight baby.
Sorry, I'm on a die tea. I only settle for soups and salads, hold the salmon.
You're going to be crying ground beef before I'm done with you.
Tears are like a bucket of worms. Once you wash them, you can't go back.

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
He took away my love. Nothing good can happen.
You behave yourself my plump little moo cow. I'll be back for seconds later baby.
Manners are like swords, they clip the wheel of time.
My poor baby, are you allright?
I'm not sure Sewer Kraut, but my lower side feels like hemeroids.

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
We really need to break out of this dungeon.
Bubble gum and fly paper will give us wings to soar.
Good lord, I'll get us out of here.
Thank the heavens, its Sampson. He'll crash through the walls with his spleen of steel.
... What the hell is with this thing?
Isn't it great?

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
Apparently you guys won't think of something, so I'll just have to get us out of here.
Sounds good to me.
I've never overheard more idiotic conversations.
Why thank you. Wait, how long have you been here?
The whole time. I was just waiting for my legs to regain feeling again.
Yet another person who's seen us have sesex. What can you do? Lead the way Lightnening Lizard!

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
A few hours later:
Okay, okay, I got it. I'll leap through the bars and then come back with the key to let out you guys.
Yes, well, that sounds like a real prize. Except the fact I told you its a free fall outside this window two hundred feet to the ground. Jackass.
So mean. I was just trying to tell a plan. Are you running out of cigarettes?
Bingo. A prize for you. Anyhow, my head still hurts, and that's the best idea we've come up with.
You want me to leap through the window to my possible death then?
Please.

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
Good bye love. I'll be back before you know it. Gerronimo!!!
I was on the cans, what did I miss Hoover Stank?
That's the worst name I've ever heard. You missed your cigarette thing jumping out the window. And what can? We have no bathroom.
Oh, I guess that was no seal of approval then. Last time I light the butter fly.
You make no sense you piece of crap. *looks* Oh good lord, you crapped on my matress.

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
Wow, for being tobacco filled I never knew I could feel so much pain. The dog thing was right.
Now all I have to do is go back inside and climb up to them with the key.
This is great, I feel like James Bond, without the attractive women... with a cow instead.

 

by DJWeeman
10-23-03
Meanwhile:
Come on Pop Me fresh, everyone loves Corn Dog jokes.
I am seriously going to kick your ass before he gets back. You're the weirdest piece of crap I know. Do you even have a job?
I once danced on stage, and people put monopoly money in my under drawers. Then, I gave them the whole taco, and they flipped my shindig.
You know, this also sucks because I don't know a word you say.
I know how to speak England Nippleon, no need to get so testes.
Here's the plan you fat crap. I'm going to sit in the corner and ignore you, and if you touch me in any way, I'll break your legs.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
Hmm, sometimes I think it would be easier to find the key if I knew where the key was.
I know where the key is.
Thank god. It's a helpful pup.
I'm one hundred years old you jackass. Anyhow, Captain Pickle has the key.
Oh well, thank you very much. What are you doing here in Captain Pickles house anyways?
I was curious.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
Do you think you could show me the way fair puppy?
Good god. A guy wheres green underwear and people asume he's a kid.
Well, the gay shirt doesn't help either.
Hey, hey. My grandma made this for me.
The rainbow ball is pretty fruity too.
Hey, F you. Find the key on your own.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
Maybe I shouldn't have insulted the dogs clothes. Now I'll never find the key.
Hey what are you doing here?
Running from Captain Pickle. I think he's drunk again.
Excellent. I found him.
Come here my little dumpling nugget. I want to put frosting in your cake.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
Umm, Captain Pickle, you can give me icing if you'll give me the key to the prison.
I don't know... aren't there people inside there?
No, no one at all. I just wanted to umm.. feel powerful.
I'll feel powerful by the time I'm done with you. It's a deal.
Wow, I didn't think I would get the key that easy. Just eating a piece of cake.
No, you'll be feasting on hot dog tonight my little flamer.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
Guys, I got the key.
Praise Genus, I thought I was a logger for sure.
Chris. I got the key. We're free.
If it means getting out of here with that piece of crap I'd rather have my nuts gnawed off by beavers.
Don't be sad Captain Sard, I'll alleviate all that sales do.
Get away from me. I hate you.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
A short while later:
Look there Sadamomitry, I found the corn hole.
Good lord, what is that?
It reminds me of a Kermit, when he ate the stew I made for summer christmas.
You must be Sugar Dank, cause I never saw such a Wonder Unit.
Good lord, there's two of you?
Don't be tattered Pigeon Pop, there's plunty of shun for every womb.

 

by DJWeeman
10-25-03
How can there be two cows?
They probably had sex with themselves too much or something.
You only say that when you're grown up.
When the dishes have shanked the sink, that's when the noodles hit the oven.
Aren't they beautiful together?
I've never seen so much idiocy spouted at one time.

 

by DJWeeman
10-28-03
Meat wild:
Our band is the best thing since sliced chicken.
You have a knack for analogies DJ.
All we need to do is find some place to play.
You could use the priests backyard.
Wow, you're smart for an 8 year old. I think I'll call it, Mayhem Madness: Judas Priest style.
Allright, I guess I'll think up the name for the concert too.

 

by DJWeeman
10-28-03
Allright Demon, we got it. We're going to have the concert in the priests backyard. We use his fridge, his pool, and his electricity.
That's a good one.
And best of all, if the cops come, we didn't do anything wrong, we have a priest watching us.
Sounds great. And... we steal some of his money for the drugs and alcohol?
Now you're thinking.
It's what I do baby.

 

by DJWeeman
10-28-03
Ah, yes, the house is finally cleaned of all those dirty magazines and bottles. I think I'll read my bible now.
Hey, this is where the concert is tonight right?
Not that I'm aware of. What can I do for you kind dinosaur?
You can get me some more cigarettes. And some hot girls would be nice too.
I'm sorry, those are two things that the christian faith seems to have problems with.
That really sucks.

 

by DJWeeman
10-28-03
Our other heroes:
Wait a minute, we're back home!! That wasn't the road to canada after all.
Wow Porky, and all this time I thought the sourkraut was going to win the gold prize. Sure beats selling shorts.
And what do you know it, we're just in time to go to that concert I saw a flier about a few miles back.
I don't know about those conchertoes. Sounds like they feed your feet to the smallest seals.
Don't worry Lola, you're going to be a star.
I always wanted to be Top Carrot when I grow up, nows my change to grow mold.

 

by DJWeeman
10-28-03
Man everyone showed up the for the show.
We got hoes, hobos, skanks, homeless, and the elderly.
I love this band. And I love cats. Petting cats. Yeah thats' nice.
Allright... I hope at least some of these people are normal.
What the hell, I thought you died or something.
Are we in time for the flower parade? I only brought one flag, but I'm sure its candy enough for the both of us partner.

 

by DJWeeman
10-30-03
Well, I suppose we might as well get started.
Yeah, some of the women were getting restless and groping my stomach.
That's understandable. Just like those mysterious trees that appeared behind me.
One moment, someones pulling my tail.
Can I help you? Oh god it's you.
Save me Sunny Side, I think I wet my mittons before the parade began.

 

by DJWeeman
10-30-03
These are prime seats, I can see my feet from here.
What a revolting creature. And why do you smell like urine?
Sorry Hazel, that's cause I'm letting the river flow.
Good lord, that's disgusting.
Grab me a towel short stuff cause I'm sinking fast.
If this is what the audience is like I'm afraid to see the band.

 

by DJWeeman
10-30-03
Umm, guitar guy you ready?
Hell yeah man. I found my drugs, and I'm feeling hiiiggh.
Your eyes look funny, and your hands are twitching.
That's true, but I can see all of you. And my hands.. are like waves.
Wow... I'll get you to a rehab center later.
Enough of that talk man, you're killing the vibe.

 

by DJWeeman
10-30-03
My yard seems to full of, rowdy hoodlums.
Hey pops, want to tumble in my jungle?
No thank you.. sir.
I'm no sir, I'm a woman baby.
Hey, you want to knock socks pumpkin?
Good lord no.

 

by DJWeeman
11-01-03
Good night ladies, gentlemen.... animals, dinosaurs... things. We're here to kick ass and have good time.
Oh oh, and say have sex. Here to have sex too.
Yeah, and have sex. So, enjoy the show. And please break things so we know you like the music.
Allright, on three lets hit it.
Whoa, whoa, where did those trees come from? And where are my drums. And am I on stage?

 

by DJWeeman
11-01-03
Yes, umm, sorry about that. Drugs have somewhat ruined our cordination. And thinking.
Sorry dude, but hold on. I think I lost my hands.
.... Look at the ends of your arms.
Oh, good lord, there they are. Sorry go ahead.
Guitar guy, ready to hit it?
I think I swallowed my pick.

 

by DJWeeman
11-01-03
and thats.. why.. cheese.. raped.. meeee!!!!
Nice, its like he's speaking right to me.
In the pit:
Out of my way you hooligans.
I think someone tried to pull off my nipple ring.
I was trying to bounce the moon, but I think that hippo ate my shoe.
Get away from me.

 

by DJWeeman
11-06-03
Demon, i have the spontaneous need to help these children. And pee in their eyes.
A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.
To those who got urine in their eyes, sorry. But more importantly, i have some wise words to say.
I hope he talks about Kathy Griffen and Roger Ebert.
Don't forget your childhood, you only die once. Take care of your children, they're the fashion of the future, thank you..
I think we should smoke less.

 

by DJWeeman
11-06-03
That was a great concert.
Yeah... so many fans.. and umm... musical instruments.
It got me thinking, can this be the end? Because if the world ends only once, that is the single event of it all. It is.. the final rift in the space.. of life.
Wow.. you're right.. it all makes sense now.
Who did I buy that pot off of man?
Hey there short stacks, I was just mowing more lawns, clippings are free for three babies.

 

by DJWeeman
11-10-03
Tell me my son, is your drug habit and sexual permiscuity an effect of a troubled childhood?
My dad beat me with a sack of chitlins, but that only made my appendix ulcers worse.
Will you forgive, and move on, and become a better.. thing?
I'll do my best Thunder Clap, but it'll take all the Innies within me.
That's the spirit. Now go, and sin no more.
Wow, i feel like i've lived through the insurrection, and been given another chance to shine my blues away.

 

by DJWeeman
11-10-03
I'll try another. You, young demon, what are you doing here?
I'm smoking a joint, what does it look like?
I cast you out, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ!
If you didn't want me at you party you could have let me know.
That's right. Flee from our savior who has given me life, and you death.
Man, talk about killing someones buzz. That sucks.

 

by DJWeeman
11-10-03
Hey, what happened to all our adoring fans?
The priest starting converting them all during your Dr.Pepper break.
Man, that sucks. Think we can get them back?
Next time maybe. Now they're busy crying, praying, and stealing jesus crackers.
Oh... Are you wearing green tighty whities?
Damn it, I'm leaving now.

 

by DJWeeman
11-10-03
Thanks for helping me clean up this mess cow thing, I mean Winifred.
No problem Dumples. My friends call me Shimmy though. This placing is looking right in rain.
There are a lot of things broken, but at least we're safe.
You sure mouthed a sayful there.
Amazing how many empty bottles and baloons I found in the closet.
Sorry, those were mine Jetson Jackson. I was grooving it ten ways down Sunday.

 

by DJWeeman
3-06-04
Wow, I can feel my eyes.
My feet are dancing, and they're rubber.
Does it meen its, the end times, or time is ending?
You're, you're stoned man. *laughs*
That man coming this way, is he, is he Jesus?
Sure doesn't look like Mother Mary.

 

by DJWeeman
3-06-04
Sir, have you been doing illegal drugs?
I, I never called your drugs illegal, neeerd!
Mhmm, and what about you short stuff?
Who you calling Martha Stewart? You rump roast. I aughta kick your ass, or something.
*into walkie talkie* Requesting back up, I have two stoners that need be taken in.
Yeah, I'll take you in, all the way! *laughs*

 

by DJWeeman
3-06-04
Where are taking us again, Officer.. man?
It's called prison, a place you should have known a long time ago.
Oh, my dad lived there. And uncle, and mom, grandma. Little sister. And half my cousins.
Somehow I'm not surprised.
Have I ever told you, that you have a gorgeous stomach?
*sniffes* No ones ever told me that.

 

by DJWeeman
3-06-04
*whispers* Butter him up demon, its the only way.
Ah, yeah, right, butter.
Have I ever told you that, you would go great with butter?
*sniffes* No ones ever told me that either..
And.. umm... you have.. a beautiful heart inside. All you have to do, is love it. People will love you, for who you are.
*sniffs* Well, you guys head on home. I have a lot of me work to do.

 

by DJWeeman
3-06-04
We made it demon. I thought we were, doners for sure.
He really killed my buzz man, that helped a bit.
Now, ummm, if the sky will stop dancing, we can do more drugs!
Sometimes it looks pretty, but then it gets dark, and scary!
Oh yeah, that's a scary one.
Don't tell anyone, but I think I peed myself.

 

by DJWeeman
4-06-04
Allright, I think we might have settled things down.
Yeah, now I just am hungry, have a rapid pulse, have wet myself, and a dead kidney.
Aren't drugs great?
Absolutely. And most importantly, there are no consequences.
Wait, did someone see us?
I saw my momma bringing down the house, while her home made apple pie.

Showing page 6.

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