All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
12-26-04
Straight guys are more open now than ever before.
Why you telling me.
Because I think you might be just open...
To sleeping with a transie.
I think you should go play in traffic. On a six-lane highway.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
So, did Rick ever tell you what happened in the Laundry Room?
No, but I'm sure I'll hear about it
Nope. This time you've been left out in the cold.
Maybe. Just one question: Did you spit or swallow?
...I hate you.
Cause I'm a prick! And you know that Libras know everything.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
So American Idol is coming back again.
With that never ending quest to prove...
That transsexuals from Houston can't sing.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Hey, I'm here for our second date.
We made a second date?
Yeah.
Hold on, I have someone I want you to meet.
This is how my dates usually end anyway...

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Dawny, it's time I made a new addition to your cabinet.
Now wait a minute, Satan!
First you stuck that asshole Newt as my Vice President.
And that troublemaker Daniela as my Sec State.
What could you possibly do that's worse than...OH, SHIT, NO!
$$$ Cash Money Billions $$$ NO MONEY FOR YOU, MWAHAHAAAHAHHA!!

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Mop, how much do we have in the treasury?
$545.25.
No the fuck we don't! We had 38 billion dollars in the Treasury! What happened?
Taxes...Salaries...oh, yeah
And a transfer to a Swiss bank...and my island...and every person on that island as servants...

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
YOU KNOW, JOSH, WE NEVER MEET ANY GIRLS HERE.
Yeah, I know
Excuse me...
HOLY...
Hi, I'm Donna Marie...

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
So what are your names?
I'm Josh..
And I'm...
Being castrated tomorrow.
Go take a flying leap into Lake Michigan.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
While Twan's inside getting our coats, why don't you come home with me?
I can't do that, I don't know you that well
So you prefer Twan over me?
I didn't say that.
So you like me and Twan's a loooooser! Aw, hell yeah!
No wonder this guy's single...

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
So what do you actually think of coming home with me.
Dear Goddess, not you too!
Relax. Josh lives with me.
So you're keeping him?
I REALLY hate these big-ass logic jumps people make when I tell them the situation...
So you two are playing some sort of weird sex game? Do you two like, pick up people from bars and have threesomes??

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
Look, we're going to have to settle this somehow.
It's simple, Donna prefers me.
And what makes you think that.
My cool and my Maturity.
Lots of Maturity for a guy who still watches Digimon.
You know what? You're just a jealous poopy-head.

 

by Screwball
12-26-04
After thinking a while, I decided that...
Hah, you hear that, Twan? She chose me!
You fuckhead, she chose me!
Me!
You fuckin...you always....fuck you...no fuck....
Sometimes I wonder why Men can't simply be neutered and used as handpuppets.

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Look, the two of you are going to stop this before I go home! Now I chose...
I have a bad feeling about this...
I wonder what Donna's favorite position is...

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Well, it's settled.
Yep.
She chose neither one of us.
Yep.
You do realize that all those people you hit probably will be filing charges.
Yep.

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Twan, you really have to get out and meet people.
Nah, I don't think so.
Because?
Because the last time I did..
My date was closer to barking than talking.

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
I'm back from the store.
What'd ya get?
Well, I bought a ring!
Uh...oh.
When women say the magic word "ring" strange things start happening
I wonder if I can join the Witness Protection Program..

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Explain something to me.
Sure.
Why does Josh live with you?
Because he needed a place to stay, and I took him in.
He told me it was because he pays half the rent.
You'd believe a guy who thinks Metallica is still cool?

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Josh, you got a phone call.
Who was it from?
I don't know, they left their number by the phone.
Hell yeah!
Of course, I didn't tell him the penalty for pissing me off.
HEY! THIS NUMBER'S IN CHINESE!

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
I took your advice and went to look for someone who could make me happy.
You know I was talking about me, right?
YOU?? Make me happy?? Know how you can make me happy?
Tell me and I'll do it.
Go on a nice trip around the world and get eaten by a walrus.
Quick and painlessly or slow and with lots of screaming?

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Jeff, are you sure all of this is right?
8-X!
Try English.
I'm naked and I've got my cam on just for you...>:)
I think I'll castrate myself with a dull butterknife.
Time to go play with...myself! 8-X!

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Josh went out to the bar tonight?
Yes, he said he was going to get laid tonight.
He went out by HIMSELF??
Yes, what's wrong with that?
This.
Don't say anything. They said they'd come back with my clothes if I went in the house and counted to 194...

 

by Screwball
12-29-04
Now you see why I look out for Josh.
Why?
Because he needs it, and I need the exercise
Sooooo...
It's not because you want to fuck him till he screams like a little girl?
Sometimes I wonder why I don't just become a hermit.

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
Josh, I've been thinking...
We need to do more creative things. Get more exercise.
I thought you got plenty of exercise with the VCR and the Gia Darling movie?
You wanna die?

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
You know, I want to be a porn star.
My chosen profession is met with scorn.
I want to do transsexual porn.
As the guy or the girl?

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
I want to do porn.
Yeah, what kind??
Transsexual.
Oh...aint that the kind with the girls with the...?
Yeah.
Which one are you?

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
Josh...Um...welll...
Something happened,didn't it.
Well, I've got a tryout with Dark Angel Videos
Are you nervous?
Yeah.
Well, just think of the drag queen from Deuce Bigelow...you'll handle it fine.

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
I got the job.
Really.
Yeah. It's a movie called "8 Guys and a Tranny"
Which one are you?
The guy who walks in at the end.
HAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAA HAHA

 

by Screwball
1-09-05
I got a job in a porn movie.
Is Macy in it?
NO, I'm the guy who walks in the door at the end.
Guess Macy wasn't in it.
I hate everyone on earth.
On the plus side, though, people didn't get to see you do the V-shape again.

 

by Screwball
1-13-05
You look happy.
Yeah, I did good.
What happened?
Gia Darling was in the movie...Let's just say I had a nice happy ending...in my pants.
Thanks for telling me. Now excuse me while I puke.

 

by Screwball
1-16-05
What'll it take to get you to go out with me again?
You must renounce all worldly goods...
Even my porn collection?
You suck. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200 dollars.

 

by Screwball
1-16-05
People think that just because you mention porn you're a lifeless asshole.
But porn is a billion-dollar industry.
Do you know what that means?
Yes, that you need to stop buying all those tapes.

 

by Screwball
1-16-05
Donna, I've got to go to Chicago...mind watching Josh?
Watching Josh?
Right. Make sure he doesn't come in late, that he doesn't get drunk...
And above all else,that he doesn't take anyone to my bedroom again.
Are you still mad because you found those cum stains on your pillow?

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
I'm back.
Do you care?
No.

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
Anything exciting happen when I was gone?
No, Nothing.
Please don't ask about your pillows.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY BED??!! DID YOU HAVE AN ORGY ON MY GODDAMNED BED AGAIN?
We had a little fun. You might want to burn it.

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
Sometimes I think about things...Why I'm not more successful.
You're gonna say something, aren't you??
It's Raining Men!!
Look, I was DRUNK!! Stop pissing on my points
As drunk as you were when you were fucking Rose? Besides, I thought you were into getting pissed on.

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
When you go to a club, what's the first thing you do??
Take my coat off.
Get a beer.
Look for candidates to take home with me.
Look for people I know.
Wonder how I got in using my fake ID.
Slap the living shit out of trolls just for living.

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
Josh, we've gotta do something. The bars are getting boring again.
I invited someone over to go to the bars with us.
Wait, I thought Donna was hanging out with someone else because we're too horny for her??
It's not Donna...
I'm going to get you for this, Josh...
Where's the ho's and bitches at?? 8-X!!

 

by Screwball
1-27-05
Okay, Jeff, the only reason we're hanging out with you is because we can help each other.
You say that like you want to fuck me...
NO, DICKSLAP, we're going out to a club, and you get to go because maybe you can help us out of our rut.
>:)
SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
8-X!! And if you can't understand that, I have an even better hand signal for you.

 

by Screwball
2-04-05
Here's something that's funny: Martha Stewart, who's in prison, will have a show when she gets out.
In the old days, prison used to be a detriment. Now, celebrities HAVE to go to prison to stay celebrities.
Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, probably won't be doing any TV shows for awhile, unless it's Dummies Who Had Everything And Pissed It Away.

 

by Screwball
2-11-05
This is Allen
Allen's into Rap, Comics, and he says pimpin aint easy.
Allen gets dumped a lot
Motherfucker!

 

by Screwball
2-11-05
Ever wonder why we never get laid?
I don't know, is it Josh?
Um...how come you were so quick to blame Josh?
Um...welll....because he acts like a kid?
This from the guy who tried to work "rubbish" into a battle rap...
Is it my fault the guy said I looked like a fake-ass eminem?

 

by Screwball
2-11-05
Ever wonder why we never get laid?
Yeah, and I think it's because of Josh
Um...are you sure it's not because you carry a list of pickup lines?
No, it's your cologne
Let me see that list.
Is "Say, Baby, let's make some puppies" a good pickup line??

 

by Screwball
2-11-05
Be reasonable.
BE REASONABLE? When the hell did Allen move in here?
He moved in last night.
Well, I'm not going to stand for it. I need someplace to bring Donna Marie when we want to fuck.
Christ. Not only are you high, but you're delusional.
Delusional? And I suppose I didn't see Tracy naked, huh?

 

by Screwball
2-14-05
I'm sick.
I'm Twan.
Anymore stupid puns?
Ow. Just like mywedding night...

 

by Screwball
2-14-05
What are you doing?
I'm actually making out a list of clubs the three of us can go to.
Let me see...Wait a second...I don't know any of those clubs!
I know, I figure everybody knows you and Josh around here.
I'm going to kill you.
I've got that set for 6-ish. At 7 you retreat to the bedroom with the Gia Darling movie.

 

by Screwball
2-14-05
Hey, Snake...
Nope. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it.
But it's about...
Forget it.
Look, would you shut the fuck up and let me talk?
The last time I did, we ended up in jail. And trust me, Big Bubba wants to see us again. Remember what he said he'd do if we came back??

 

by Screwball
2-19-05
Sex is overrated. Eventually no one will have sex...
When was the last time you got laid again?
Goddamnit.
Owned.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
It seems I've returned.
Brass bands and fireworks, right?
Well?
Who cares?

 

Well, Jesse, here we are again...thoughtlessly sharing our hopes and dreams.
by Screwball, 7-24-06

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Syd Barrett died a little while ago. Everyone thought it was because of acid and diabetes
Know what I always thought?
It was the last 5 Pink Floyd albums that did it. Man, did they suck.

Showing page 6.

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