All comics by akirajim

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by akirajim
9-06-03
How many nails does it take to get into Heaven?
One for every sin!
I am incrementally funnier than you will ever be.
HAWHAHAH! He's eatin' a carrot! You rock, Bugs!
I still got it.

 

by akirajim
9-06-03
So what did you win?
Herpes!
I'll take Door #1, Jim.
Door #1, is it?
Ooooh, you have to spend the night with LongDongSilver!

 

by akirajim
9-06-03
What's black and blue and brown all over?
My ass.

 

by akirajim
9-08-03
Happy Jesus Day, little pal.
Huh? It's June 10th.
That's right.
I think I'll celebrate by killing some more Mooslims.

 

by akirajim
9-14-03
Dudes, we've got to remove the shrink wrap from our penises and start using them to, uh, what's that thing you do with a woman again?
BAKE A CAKE?
Hey, baby, howsabout I get naked vidcaps of you with my webcam?
Ooh, you naughty boy, you make me wet as though I'm pissing in a dream!
And then they all screwed a pie.
Hey, baby, I'm sensitive to your needs and stuff.
Ooh, tell me you love me again then fuck me raw!

 

by akirajim
9-14-03
Babe I'm Gonna Leave You.
Blow Out, Creep.
Hey Hey What Can I Do? I Can't Quit You Baby.
Nobody's Fault But Mine.
How Can You Be Sure?
You Come On Contact.

 

by akirajim
9-19-03
I'd like to welcome you to our thriving San Francisco franchise, Miss Waters.
It's lovely-
-but where are all the minorities you claim to employ?
"Oh, they work at our Detroit locale."
Y'all got any fried chicken?
I'll axe th' manager.

 

by akirajim
9-23-03
Clango teaches Rube how to jack off the invisible man.
Pinch it ...
Like a loaf?
Wrong hand...
oh.
You got it.
I am so happy...

 

by akirajim
9-28-03
Ou sont les toilettes, M.?
Oh, that's right- they don't speak English in Australia anymore, do they? I guess the war changed everything...
Several years earlier...
The War on Iraq I could handle, but the War on China?
Relax, soldier. We can take 'em without losin' a man.
Watch out for the land mines, dipshit.

 

by akirajim
10-03-03
I'm looking for an old friend. Perhaps you'll help me?
Interesting. Now turn around.
I knew it- Tobor's been here!

 

by akirajim
10-04-03
You better run, nigger!

 

by akirajim
10-12-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall grant you one wish!
Show me your tits, then.
Woo!

 

by akirajim
10-12-03
Hey
Wanna go see a movie this weekend?
Sorry, Mom- I don't enjoy being date-raped.

 

by akirajim
10-12-03
Baghdad
Hey, I was thinking- what if the Cubs went to the World Series and played the Red Sox? And what if the Blackout was still on?
It'd be a bunch of Red Sox versus a bunch of dark cocks.
Kobe's is the only dark cock I'm interested in. Did he do it? Who knows?
Who cares in the midst of a great political tragedy like the California recall? Hey, watch out!
That's one family's worth of English-ignorant camel jocks down, a couple hundred thousand more to go. High five, Mr. Bush!

 

by akirajim
10-16-03
I want us to hurt each other as the bridegroom and the bride hurt each other.
Nigga please!

 

by akirajim
10-21-03
Excuse me, Death here.
YOU'RE Death?
Yeah. So are you ready to go?
Wait- why are you in a wheel chair?
I'm a cripple.
No shit?

 

by akirajim
10-27-03
Help me! Please!
What happened to you?
Well, my baboon was doing rhythmic gymnastics when...
Waitaminute- are you pulling my leg?
No, I'm just stoned off my ass.
Fair enough. Tell me, are you the kind of crack whore who's willing to trade sex for drugs?

 

by akirajim
1-01-04
Suck a cripple's dick for charity today, fine sir.
Hey, it's Akirajim! What have you been up to?
Licking alien ass, smiling wily through a beard of prosthetic arms covering me up to my hanging garden of two balls trapped in a brown sack.
Oh, Holy Jesus Almighty!
Shit me a piece of George Hamilton's pubic beard and I won't tell anyone about our secret gay rendevous plural.
He's ascended into Literary Heaven!

 

by akirajim
1-01-04
And then God gave me a blow job.
And it was the best blow job I ever got.

 

by akirajim
1-31-04
One: World's Worst Gay Innuendo Reply
William, pass the tube steak.
I could never path on a tube thteak.
Two: World's Worst Punning Reply
What can I do to get you to stop with the goddamn steak/penis jokes?
I guess we'll just have to meat in the middle.
Three: World's Worst Bad News Reply
You mean you'll clean up your act?
Aw, Mom- nothing's ever clean now that I've got herpes of the skin.

 

by akirajim
3-23-04
Dear Jesus...
I'm writing this letter to tell you about myself. My name is Greg Spackman. I'm eight years old, and I live with my mommy and my doggy in Florida.
You see, I have no daddy. I'm a very troubled kid, and-
A TOTAL QU33R! YOU GO, GIRLFRIEND!

 

by akirajim
6-30-04
I'm the Next American Action Hero, bitch!
Hi.
I'm a rogue cop. I lost my badge 'cause I play by my own rules.
I'm curious as to who's going to put you in a movie, considering you have less acting skill than your average softcore Olivier.
I don't think you realize how bad they want me dead.
Get out of my preschool, fuckshit.

 

by akirajim
6-30-04
Uhm, Missus Teacher?
I'm listening.
I had an accident.
No shit, Brian? What would Nietschze say if he did something like that?
"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
Wrong, Brian; Nietschze is dead, and the dead cease to exist. Because there is no Heaven. And no God.

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