All comics by attitudechicka

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by attitudechicka
10-05-05
Ring ring!
Hello?
Hey, how's it going
Not bad, why are you whispering?
I'm using my "at work" voice. If they hear me talking to a non-client, they'll take away my phone and make me use morse code.

 

by attitudechicka
10-10-05
We can't move to Texas. There aren't any automotive jobs in Texas. They still ride on horseback.
Okay, but what did I go to school for?
It wasn't horse breeding.
I went for diesel mechanics. There's plenty of need for that in Texas.
You're going to put diesel fuel in a horse? I think on the side it says "Unleaded carrots only"

 

by attitudechicka
10-13-05
I wish someone would call and fake a relative's death to get me out of work.
I know just what to do!
Good morning Investigative Services!
Tomato! Tomato! Tomato!
Gia, I don't know what's going on, but you better get home quick. There's a Scottish man on the phone shouting "Tomato!"

 

So, how do you get a cat out of a tree, anyway?
We shoot it.
by attitudechicka, 10-17-05

 

by attitudechicka
10-17-05
Okay, this one's way funnier... How do you get a fireman out of a tree?
I have no idea.
Oh I know! You shoot him, right?

 

by attitudechicka
10-17-05
Thanks, John. And in other news, a giant robot is attacking the city.
Attacking the city? Oh no...
You did say "when monsters attack the city".

 

by attitudechicka
10-17-05
So, Giant Monster, why exactly is it that you are attacking the city?
Who said anything about attacking?
Well you are holding a ladies' handbag.
Oh, no, not another one of those "real men don't carry bags" type people. Grow up, man.

 

by attitudechicka
10-18-05
We think you'd be perfect for our SALES department!
Yeah right. Deleted!
We think you might be a wonderful candidate for a job in marketing.
Hmm, maybe. Small investment required? Deleted!
Hi, I'm looking for a partner in crime so to speak. I need someone who's organized because I'm NOT.
This one sounds pretty interesting... WORK FROM HOME? SOLD!

 

by attitudechicka
10-18-05
Captain, who is that man on that island that is waving his hands frantically at us?
I have no idea, but every year we pass by here, he goes crazy.
Don't you think we should stop and try to help him?
Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pull up on shore, you girls tend to get your boobies out on the beach.
So how long have you been stuck here?
Long enough to think you are one fine piece of ass.

 

I expect the Spanish inquisition.
by attitudechicka, 10-19-05

 

by attitudechicka
10-20-05
The mother has the right to lecture.
Listen son, I know you think I'm hard on you.
That's for sure.
And that I tell you not to do a lot of things you want to do. But I'm only trying to do what's best for you.
Oh yeah, and what's best for me then?
Not still living here when your 40.

 

by attitudechicka
10-26-05
Ahh! PEEETE!
What's wrong?
It's a spider, KILL IT! Whack it with your shoe or something!
Uh sure, okay.
And burn it too, just to be sure it's dead.

 

by attitudechicka
10-26-05
Ahhhh! Meinlksewok!
Yes, Dear?
It's a human, KILL IT! Whack it with your foot platform or something!
And zap it with a ray gun too, just to be sure it's dead.

 

by attitudechicka
10-27-05
Okay, got all these reports done... finally. *Fake work laugh*
Oh, well hopefully this next one will be a quickie.
Thank you! That's what TOBOR will be saying later.
Huh?
DOES CHICKA REQUIRE TOBOR'S SERVICES?
Wait until she goes to lunch and wait in her office. I bet she loves hide and seek!

 

by attitudechicka
11-01-05
You appear to be shipwrecked. How can I help?
Um, by repairing the hole in my ship so I can sail back home.
That is not within my capabilities.
Well then could you help me with writing my resume? It's going to come in real handy out here.

 

by attitudechicka
11-10-05
When I first met Ling-Ling, I knew she was the one for me.
Not only was she pretty, but she was also 14.
Thank you Generic Mail Order Bride Service for making my dreams seem less pedophilic.

 

by attitudechicka
11-28-05
Here we are, alone at last!
Uh, where exactly are we?
Only the most romantic place on Earth: Kemper Arena.
Isn't this where Owen Hart fell to his death in 1999?
Depends, would that turn you on?
Ugh. You have a sick sense of romance.

 

by attitudechicka
12-02-05
I'm joined live with Andrew Stimpson, who has apparently cured himself of AIDS.
I'm the luckiest man alive! I'll do anything I can to help find a cure.
HIV specialists have asked that you return to the clinic for more testing, however you refused.
Okay, let me level with you Bob.
I will do anything that will gain me money, fame, and women that I can to help find a cure.

 

by attitudechicka
12-05-05
Being pregnant is such a joke; it's just an excuse for fat girls to get fatter.
It was a little different than that for me.
How so?
Well, for one, I was told I had to quit my job immediately. At the same time I can no longer fit into my clothes, so I have to spend money I don't have from a job I'm not working to buy more.
On top of everything else, you feel like complete crap. Imagine having the flu all day every day for 9 months. That's what it's like.

 

by attitudechicka
12-06-05
You know, I really hate this job. I think I'm going to find a different one.
Yeah, sure okay. But don't come back to me crying that no one will hire you.
Hi, can I have a job with paid insurance and a higher wage of pay than what I currently have?
Sure and I'll throw a 401K in free!
So how'd it go? No luck I bet.
Bagged it, beyotch!

 

by attitudechicka
12-07-05
I feel ridiculous. Are you sure this is what he wanted?
Of course I'm sure.
Did he tell you that he wanted a man dressed up in a bunny suit?
No, not specifically... in fact, he really didn't say he wanted anything.
Then why the fuck did you ask me to put on this stupid suit?
Just to see if you'd do it. Happy birthday, Jes!

 

by attitudechicka
12-12-05
Hello, I'm Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, son. You must be confused.
No, really I am. Come into this bar with me and I'll prove it.
Jesus Christ! You're back again?

 

by attitudechicka
12-13-05
I really am Jesus Christ, come into this bar with me and I'll prove it.
Jesus Fucking Christ, you're back again?
I forgot to mention that my middle name is "Fucking".

 

by attitudechicka
12-15-05
What are the accomidations of your unit like?
How many members are there in your unit?

 

by attitudechicka
12-15-05
So I'm a lube tech. I make sure everything is well lubricated.
I see what your problem is. The shaft isn't positioned correctly. Let me try something and let me know if it's any better.
I'm getting new headders tomorrow and I've got to show my friend Bob.

 

by attitudechicka
12-17-05
I can't wait for you to open the gift I bought you!
Oh great, I'll open it right now.
What the fuck DID I buy her?
It's a candle set. Um, great...
I knew you'd love it. Hey, why are you turning all blotchy?
Remember when I said I was allergic to candles? I wasn't just trying to avoid going into Wicks N Sticks.

 

by attitudechicka
12-22-05
Hey, Fred.
Hi John. I have the best story. You know the dog on 4th that keeps biting us? I chopped him up and mailed him back to his owner. He should arrive in time for Christmas.
Haha. Mine's way better. You know the weird girl and her boyfriend that live in the apartment down the street?
The rock girl, right?
That's the one. I've been putting their packages in the snow. Yellow snow, if it's available.
You're a sick man, John.

 

by attitudechicka
12-30-05
There seem to be a lot of emails going around about proper phone ettiquite lately.
Yeah, I noticed that too.
You think she's trying to tell us something?
Perhaps to stop ending our phone calls with "Have a great fucking day"?
No, that can't be it. She must want us to stop greeting people with "What the fuck do you want now?"

 

by attitudechicka
1-13-06
Hey Marcie?
I got on myspace like you said, and now it says my account has been locked. What's up?
It appears someone has tried to access your account.
Why would someone want on my myspace account?
Maybe they're trying to delete the picture of the goatse guy in the background.

 

by attitudechicka
1-17-06
Say one for English *some kind of mixture of Spanish words that means 2 for Spanish*
One.
I'm sorry, I couldn't understand that. *Some mixture of Spanish words that means I'm sorry I couldn't understand that*
Won?
I'm sorry I couldn't understand that. *Some mixture of Spanish words that means I'm sorry I couldn't understand that.*
OMG English RoXXoRZ teh big one!!!one!!1!!

 

by attitudechicka
1-18-06
I'm as good as I think I am.
I mind having what is too good for me.
I can hurt myself without my permission.

 

by attitudechicka
1-19-06
I'm as powerful as you make me out to be.
I said it was going to be easy.
I am forgotten when it is convenient to remember me.

 

by attitudechicka
1-20-06
I want to thank you all for being here tonight; it'd be mighty strange here tonight if nobody showed up
Liberia will see the hesperias govern, holding the monarchy of heaven and earth: I will see the forces of Asia perished, only seven hold the hierarchy in order.

 

by attitudechicka
1-20-06
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew I had said it before.
I, I will love you the way I loved you.
Cause I, I am that strong.

 

by attitudechicka
1-26-06
Hee combs the bawl.
Say what?
Twin, fine, fate, seffen...
Um, it's still on ten.
...sex....sex, fie, foo, tree, too, woo! Habby nee yeer!
I see why he was rushing the ball now. Holy crap! Nate, did you rent Dick Clark's Stroke Party Porno?

 

by attitudechicka
1-30-06
You do it. It was your idea.
No you do it. I'll give you a dollar.
Hey Dad, try this lemonade that Daniel made.
Yuck, this lemonade tastes like piss!
That's because it IS!

 

by attitudechicka
2-03-06
So what's the next size up from size 6 diapers?
Pull ups.
And when does potty training begin, on average?
2 years.
Okay, I gotta know: How the hell did you accomodate this baby?

 

by attitudechicka
2-03-06
What's that you got there?
Elmo toilet seat adapter.
For...?
Well, if they insist that he's too large to have diaper changes, I'm going to get serious about potty training.
And you're going to get serious by putting Elmo's face in the hole in our toilet seat?

 

You have three or more kids all from different fathers.
Hey JJ, mommy's got a date tonight. Your sister will be watching you, your brother will be watching her, and you can just watch Barney.
by attitudechicka, 2-09-06

 

by attitudechicka
2-09-06
Honey, I'm home. Oh, great. Who spilled this red wine on the carpet?
Jesus.
Oh right, and just where is Jesus right now?
Over here.
Sorry, Mrs. H, it was an accident.

 

by attitudechicka
2-11-06
Well, cpausti, I don't know how you got it, but you guessed the babies.
Sa-weet.
So I'm granting you one wish.
Awesome! And my mom always said wishes don't come true. I wish she were here to see this!
What the? I was could have sworn I was just putting the laundry in the dryer.
Damnit.

 

by attitudechicka
2-17-06
There's an "engage" button on my antivirus program! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! My doctor's name is Dr. Bones.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha. I fell in love with my sister.
That's Star WARS, you moron. Get out.

 

Marry me.
Oh no, I am not falling for that one again!
by attitudechicka, 3-09-06

 

by attitudechicka
3-15-06
Rhode Island is so small, when they have a tornado alert the warning reads:
"Tornado Warning: affected Rhode Island counties are as follows: all 5 of them".

 

Rhode Island is so small, their main campaign slogan is "Marvel at the amount of houses we accomodate!"
by attitudechicka, 3-15-06

 

by attitudechicka
3-15-06
I once stopped at a burger joint with a sign outside that said "Welcome to Rhode Island".
When I went inside, the cashier said "Welcome to Massachusettes."
You should take this on the tour.
In Rhode Island!
Which would take all of one hour.

 

by attitudechicka
3-16-06
The Actual Call
Thank you for calling Company, how can I help you?
Yes, how much do you charge for a haircut?
The Actual Answer
I'm sorry ma'am, this is an insurance company, not a hairdresser.
Ooops! I'm so sorry.
What I Wish I'd Said
It's $10, but I can only do a bowl cut. Can I schedule your appointment now?

 

by attitudechicka
3-16-06
________More What__________
Wouldn't you rather have your hair done by someone licensed?
__________I Wish____________
Depends, do you want it blow dried or our new low fat bake system?
__________I'd Said___________
Considering this is an insurance company, I'd say those services would be an additional fee.

 

by attitudechicka
3-16-06
Hairdressers have to be licensed in order to cut hair in the state of Missouri.
So basically, you have to have a license to carry a pair of scissors.
The question is: Does that license enable you to RUN with scissors?

 

by attitudechicka
3-27-06
Welcome to Imaginary Trades Row.
What can we hope to find today, Asian Girl1?
This street houses such institutes as Sit Back & Watch School of Camping and the Spectator School of Sports.
Who is that guy in the corner over there?
Just some guy named Jack.

Showing page 6.

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