All comics by count_libido

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by count_libido
7-04-06
We interrupt this thread for an SFX newsflash!
Disaster struck today as the realm of Offtopica was struck by a schism. We now go live to the scene.
I'm here in Offtopica where the once mighty realm appears to be split in two. Pardon me sir, can you tell me what happenned?
Are you trying to start a discussion? Move it along buddy, this is Offtopica fun and games! No discussions here!

 

by count_libido
7-04-06
So what's the difference between Offtopica Fun and Games and Offtopica Discussion?
Well, the former is for funny links and silly stuff and the latter is for groups of people to argue together.
You mean mass debates?
Nah, that's just one guy over the Avril Lavigne pics.

 

by count_libido
7-04-06
Doctor, what is it?
I think the Tardis must be hungry.
It's just gone back four seconds!

 

by count_libido
7-06-06
Say, whatcha got there?
It's my new invention. When someone gets in your face and starts braggin' about themselves, I activate this giant fan to blow their words right outta their stupid fat mouths.
Sounds Kinda stupid.
You won't be saying that after I set myself up in business and use it to make me a ton of cash!
What are you gonna call your business?
"Boast Gusters."

 

by count_libido
7-07-06
Hi. Today's special is the Conan meatball sub. Can I take your order?
Yeah, gimme a footlong Dutch Schaeffer with extra edam.
Say, that looks pretty good! Where did you get it?
Sarnie Schwarzenegger's!

 

by count_libido
7-07-06
Welcome to Sarnie Schwarzenegger's. How may I abuse you?
Yes, I came in yesterday and ordered the Doug Quaid special. It should have come with extra red onions and Mars Milk, but it didn't.
Are you sure you came in and ordered it? Maybe you imagined the whole thing?
I'm not making this up, I totally recall buying that sandwich! Gimme my Mars Milk!

 

by count_libido
7-07-06
Welcome to Sarnie Schwarzenegger's. What can I do for you?
Yes, what's on the vegetarian lunch menu?
Pasta la Vista, baby!

 

by count_libido
7-07-06
Hey, I'm going to Sarnie Schwarzenegger's. You want anything?
Ugh no. Just don't get the Twins two-for-one offer.
What's the Twins special?
You get two sandwiches. One is a delicious footlong sub with the freshest salad, succulent meat and the purest ingredients.
Sounds good. What's in the other one?
All the crap that's left over.

 

by count_libido
7-10-06
I'm sorry sir, but your grandmother has cancer and she'll need radiation therapy.
Eh? Eh? What did he say?
He said you need Chemo Nan!
Yech! I hate Indian bread!

 

by count_libido
7-10-06
Misplaced...
So, how long have you been on this island?
50 days. The worst thing is, we ran out of chicken feed after the first week.
Really? What did you do?
We drew straws and whoever pulled the shortest straw got eaten.
You ate a fellow chicken? What did it taste like?
Human.

 

by count_libido
7-11-06
Things you never see in comics...
Ah-ha Mr. Evil! I've tracked you down to your secret underground lair and I'm bringing you to justice!
Er, not right now Mighty man. I'm having a poo.

 

by count_libido
7-11-06
Whatcha got there?
It's the Amazing Cabinet of Doctor Caligari! Watch it do some magic.... Hocus Pocus, Cillit Bang!
That's totally lame. I'm outta here.
What a bust. Lemme see that invoice again...
Damn E-Bay! This is the cabinet of Doctor Calamari! I hope there's nothing icky in there...

 

by count_libido
7-11-06
Misplaced...
Yarr! I be here to recover the Black Pearl and her captain, Jack Sparrow.
Misplaced...
I think you have the wrong island. There's no Jack Sparrow here. It's just me, Doctor jack.
Misplaced...
Yarr! I think I be 'lost' in the wrong franchise.
And I wish this was the Carribean. Then someone might find us!

 

by count_libido
7-11-06
Misplaced. Crossing franchises...
Yarr! I be here to recover a missing chest!
Who does it belong to? Davy Jones?
Avast, no. It belongs to this skinny girl we have on board.
Oh yeah! She's missing a chest alright!

 

by count_libido
7-13-06
Yarrr! Welcome to the Black Zircon! The first thing I want you to do is walk the plank!
Why do you want me to walk the plank?
Yarrr! Because I don't have a dog!

 

by count_libido
7-13-06
Do you have any cake?
No cake. Just pie.
How much is the pie?
Here? 30 ye olde shillings.
30 ye olde shillings? That's daylight robbery!
Well, that's the Pie Rates of the Carribean for you!

 

by count_libido
7-13-06
The 351st Annual Vampire Convention
Greee-tings!
Greee-tings!
Vhat are you doing here?
I'm a vampire!
Really? I am Count Dracula. Who are you?
Vlad the Impala!

 

by count_libido
7-14-06
So, tell me again... how can I help you?
Yarrr! I be runnin' short of dubloons an' I can't afford to pay my motley crew. Health & Safety won't let me make 'em walk the plank, so I need you to help me get rid of 'em!
What am I supposed to do? I'm only a barber!
Yarr! I thought you said you could help downsize staff!
No. I said I was good at crew cuts!

 

by count_libido
7-17-06
I'm here with Cap'n Fishy at the premiere of the latest Pirates of the Carrot Being movie. Hello Cap'n.
Yarr!
Cap'n Fishy, is it true that the studio spent all its money on this film and there's nothing left to spend on special effects for the last film in the trilogy?
Yarr, not at all. The last film will be a triumph of state of the art SFX. Just you wait and see next summer! Yarr!
Next summer...
Shiver me timbers! A pox on that blasted studio!
Maybe we shouldn't have made that producer walk the plank?

 

by count_libido
7-17-06
Yarr! What be the meaning o' this?
Um, is it an Adam and the Ants fan club meet?
Ye scurvy sea dog, it's a lashing fer you! Report to the mizzenmast for a taste of the cat!
Ew, you taste like wet fur.
I've been rolling in the bilge water.

 

by count_libido
7-17-06
Set a course for our most dangerous mission yet!
Certainly captain. May I ask where we are heading?
A section of space so full of diabolical and strange beings that even I wouldn't snog one!
Where is that exactly? Outer space? Inner space? Oh, I know - hyper space!
Even worse - My Space!
I'll activate the l33t shields!

 

by count_libido
7-18-06
Pirates Vs Ninjas
Yaarrr! So what makes thee think ye be better than me?
I am Ninja. I am silent and I am deadly.
That don't make you a ninja, that makes you a fart! Yaaarrr!

 

by count_libido
7-18-06
Yaarrr! If ye be wantin' to join me crew, ye gotta remember one thing!
What's that?
Always carry a bar o' soap with ye at all times.
What the hell for?
In case we ever get shipwrecked, you can wash yourself ashore. Yarr!

 

by count_libido
7-18-06
Pirate and Ninja...
So how do you earn money when you're not pirating?
Yarr! I have a little desert island where I grow sweetcorn.
You grow corn? How much do you charge?
A buck an ear! Yarr!

 

by count_libido
7-18-06

 

by count_libido
7-18-06
Tell me, have you ever had any problems whilst pirating?
Aye! One time we were smugglin' a hold full 'o red paint and we ran into a ship carrying a cargo of blue paint!
What happenned?
Yarrr! We were all marooned!

 

by count_libido
7-18-06
Look, we need to stop making stupid pirate jokes or the forum will keep pelting us with rotten tomatoes!
Yarr! That be fine with me. As long as we can call them tomaarrrrrtoes!
Warning! I am TOMATOBOR! You will now be assimilated!

 

by count_libido
7-19-06
Robots and Pirates
Yaarrr! Now Tobor, if ye be a part o' me crew, ye gots to learn to foller me orders, see?
TOBOR...UNDERSTAND
Now, go splice the mizzenmast!
TOBOR...SPLICE!
Later....
Now what have we learned? If ye splice the mizzenmast with your laser vision, the ship sinks. Got it?
TOBOR....SORRY...

 

by count_libido
7-20-06
I have something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm not just mild-mannered paperboy Clark Trent...
I'm really Armed Kangeroo Man!
Wow, that 'glasses-as-a-disguise-thing' really works!

 

by count_libido
7-20-06
Count Libido's crap joke corner...
*ahem* What do you call a vampire who can time travel within his own lifetime?
Count Bakula!
I'll get me coat....

 

by count_libido
7-20-06
Coming from a mile off....
Today we have travelled back in time millions of years to explore the Jurassic age. Let's see what we can find...
Roar! growl / snarl / howl / bellow / yell / cry wail!
What kind of dinosaur are you?
I'm a thesaurus.

 

by count_libido
7-20-06
Dan Dare meets the Space Giraffe...
Hello Dan Dere!
Hello up dere!

 

by count_libido
7-21-06
Hello, welcome to the SFX clothes shop. What can I do for you?
Uh yeah, I'd like some trousers please.
Certainly sir. What kind of trousers are you after?
I want corduroy if you have them.
Khoardiroy? Khoardiroy! Do not mention that name in here! Leave at once!

 

by count_libido
7-24-06
I see the SFX team have employed some reader moderators.
Oh noes!
Haven't they heard the phrase 'the lunatics have taken over the asylum'?

 

by count_libido
7-24-06
The 551 HQ...
Sir! The SFX Forum guys are trying to lure us out from hiding!
They've started a 'non-posters' thread for the people who never post anything! Shall we respond?
No... that's just what they'll be expecting us to do...

 

by count_libido
7-24-06
The perils of meeting someone on a forum...
Yeah, it was great talking with you and everything but I'm gonna have to break it off. Did I tell you I've been MSN-ing someone else?
No problem. I guess I'll see you round the forum sometime. BTW - Did I tell you I'm now a reader mod? I can ban people and everything! What was your login again?
I am SO owned...

 

by count_libido
7-25-06
The next SFX forum meet is Fancy Dress!
I thought you said you were dressing like a Star Trek character!
No, I said I was coming as Bones!
I thought this meet was fancy dress. Why aren't you in costume?
I am.
What are you supposed to be?
I'm a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

 

by count_libido
7-25-06
Snakes on a Plane!
We go now to Samuel L Jackson who's going to tell us more about his latest film...
Yes it is a real mo'fuggin' film! Do you think I just made this shit up?

 

by count_libido
7-26-06
Superheroes that didn't make it #1
Gimme all your money or I'll kick your ass! In fact gimme it and I'll kick your ass anyway!
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like it when I'm angry. Gimme one second...
One second later...
Waaaiit a minute! You just took off your shirt, ripped your pants and painted yourself green!
Er.... raaaargh?
You're not much of a superhero. Who the hell are you?
The Non-credible Hulk...

 

by count_libido
7-26-06
Superheroes who didn't make it # 2
Hey! Someone drank all my beer!
Mine too!
Was it a bird?
Was it a plane?
No, it's Slurperman!

 

by count_libido
7-27-06
Superheroes who didn't make it # 3
Help! Help! I've just been mugged! The guy just ran away, you can still catch him!
Sorry bud, no can do. I have to stay here and look after this.
Why?
Because I'm.... Doordevil!

 

by count_libido
7-27-06
Superheroes who didn't make it #4
Greetings Deaf Man!
Hey! Who just took a huge smelly dump on this Stars N Stripes?
Ah, that would be me! For I ...am Crapt on America!
Crapt on? Isn't that where Superman comes from?

 

by count_libido
7-28-06
Ugh, I'm never drinking that Romulan Ale ever again!
Why not?
It must have been a helluva night. I woke up this morning and found a space chicken sitting on my head!
Did anyone see you?
Yeoman Rand. Boy, was there egg on my face...

 

So... why do you want to join the circus?
I'm an acrobot!
by count_libido, 7-28-06

 

by count_libido
7-28-06
We bring you an important news flash.
We are unable to complete this cartoon as Count Libido broke his pencil over panels 1 & 2.

 

by count_libido
7-31-06
Excuse me sir, do you mind telling me why you are putting all those planks of wood in that deep freeze?
Oh noes! It's a message from the art department. I overspent on the CGI budget for that last panel!
I'll have to finish this gag using just this pencil!
Yaarr! To shiver me timbers!

 

by count_libido
7-31-06
24,000 posts! How the heck has Pope Gordy almost reached 24,000 posts? How does he find so much to post about?
Uh... divine inspiration?
Over at Gordy's....
Here are those Battlestar Galactica Season Three spoilers you wanted...
Wow! Thanks Jeebus!

 

by count_libido
8-01-06
Count Libido's House...
Ha! Another great pun! I can't wait to post this! Oh wait, was that the door?
It was.
Yeah, hi. Count Libido? I got a delivery for you. It's a long roll of fabric.
But I didn't order that!
Nope, it comes courtesy of the SFX Forum. Apparently they thought you needed some new material.
Are they trying to tell me something?

 

by count_libido
8-01-06
Count Libido's house...
'New material' - Ha! I'll show them. Hey, was that the door again?
Huh? I didn't order a horse. Are you a horse?
Almost! I'm a one-trick pony!
Don't tell me - the SFX Forum sent you?
That's right! They said I'd feel right at home here!

 

by count_libido
8-01-06
And now on SFX TV, the new series of Dragon's Den.
So, what product you have and why should I give you a large bushell of money?
It's a new range of snack foods based on the sitcom Happy Days. Here - have a Potsie Noodle!
Thank's completely rubbish. I'm going to eat your head now.
Wouldn't you rather have some Ralph Malphabettie spaghetti?

Showing page 6.

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