All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
7-05-03
Damn! Kicked out of the club, and I think some saltwater's messed up my phone!
Forget that! How are we supposed to get rid of a 6 foot tall reefer?
!
!
Oh man! This year's Glastonbury is going to be the best ever!
LOL! Hey! Why are you looking at me like that?

 

by jes_lawson
7-08-03

 

by jes_lawson
7-10-03
Hey Tobor! Maura and I just had a bouncing baby 1GHz laptop!
RARRGH! TOBOR EXUDES MUCH LUBRICANT AT THE THOUGHT OF CLANGO'S FLESHLING FEMALE AND NEW APPLIANCE!
Do you think you'll ever give up cornholing and start a family?
....
*sniff* DOCTORS SAY TOBOR'S FatherChild() FUNCTION IS VIRTUAL! TOBOR CAN NEVER KNOW JOY OF CHILDREN, ONLY OF CORNHOLING CHILDREN!

 

by jes_lawson
7-12-03

 

by jes_lawson
7-17-03
Dude! Is that your phone ringing? Looks like the ringtone's screwed as well!
That's it! I'm going to Carphone Warehouse!
RAAARRRGH! SATAN SPAWNED THE CACODAEMON!
RAAARRRGH! SATAN SPAWNED THE CACODAEMON
RAAARRRGH! SATAN SPAWNED THE CACODAEMON
RAAARRRGH! SATAN SPAWNED THE CACODAEMON

 

by jes_lawson
7-17-03
Listen, mate, about that phone you sold me!
No refunds sir, but if you could demonstrate the fault I can...
Fine, here's the phone. I'll be outside in the phone box across the road.
RAAARRRGH! SATAN SPAWNED THE CACODAEMON!
Suddenly I wish I was working those 18 hour call centre shifts for Sprint again...

 

by jes_lawson
7-17-03
Well that was a waste of money...
Why should we try and impress birds with flashy phones? We only need to use one thing!
Totally! Let's pick up women the old fashioned way!
Doing any business darlin'?
Looks like I am now, big boy!

 

by jes_lawson
7-18-03
Your main responsibility on this here ranch will to ensure the correct functionality of the graviton generators.
Basically that comes down to heapin' a whole load of grease an' shit on the rotor turbines!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by jes_lawson
7-21-03
Uh-oh, I'm having an absinthe flashback...
Not to worry, Jes! I am Iain M. Banks, science-fiction author! You may ask me one question!
Cool! OK, so, see in your book "Consider Phlebas"?
Yes?
There's a spaceship called The Hand Of God 137. Is that the *hand* of God 137, or the "Hand of God" 137?
Not this again! Anyway that's two questions.

 

by jes_lawson
7-21-03
It says in the book that "The Hand of God 137" is the 137th ship to be called the Hand Of God...and...
Actually, the ship's named after God 137's hand.
Huh?
Sure it is! And He's here to meet you!
Hello? God 137?
Yes Jes! I am God 137! And I've come to make you my prophet!

 

by jes_lawson
7-21-03
Listen, um, God...
GOD 137! DON'T MAKE ME SMITE YOU WITH 137 KINDS OF SMOTE!
Sorry sir! So, um, what was it you wanted me to prophesise about?
You must form a punk band to spread my message!
Huh?
That bastard God 182 has already formed one to spread his message of irrerverant stupidity! And I shall unto you give an assistant!

 

by jes_lawson
7-21-03
So what's the plan, God 137?
Create and exist in this band as a mixture of intensity and brevity! That is all!
Sounds easy enough! So who's this assistant I get?
I am enteleporterizing- him to you now!
What the... mmyers?
Nearly... I'm the Dog On A Ball of God 137!

 

by jes_lawson
7-21-03
So what now?
You must complete a series of seemingly pointless tasks, which will eventually make you an awesome punk rock guitarist, in the style of Daniel in the Karate Kid.
So I have to "Paint your Fence" and "Wax your Car", is that it?
Try "Take Me for Walks" and "Scoop and Bag", Jes!
Can you stop moving around like that? It's very disorientating!
Grr! It took an eternity of practice for me to even get this green vest on! When God 137 says I can get off this ball I am so gonna hump your leg!

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-03
What the...
AAAAAAGH!
Ha ha! Looks like an eternity of practice isn't enough to stay upright ALL the time!
Actually I sent him back to Earth by removing his floating cloud. By the way Jes, can you fly?
No, I...uh...AAAAAAGH!
Heh-heh! Just like in a Road Runner cartoon.

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-03
Ok, so, what's the first of these pointless tasks to train me to be a rock star?
First, you must have sex.
Excellent! Are you going to get Dani to give up the goodies then?
Ha ha! You'd be lucky ya cunt-splash! You have to wait for 40 days and nights in this wilderness first.
Only 40 days without sex? Wow! What's the catch?
You haven't seen who it is you'll be sexing up! Hope you brought lubricant...

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-03
Day 37...
This is getting ridiculous. Lack of sex isn't a problem, but the dog never said anything about chronic constipation and...who's this...
Hi Jes! I'm Drew Barrymore! I've been waiting for you!
Awesome! I...AAAAGH! AAAAGH! Crying Game and Stripcreator in one!
Bend over Jes! I didn't steal this from Tobor for my own fun!

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-03
Oh man, this is so so hot...
Hungh! ... Hungh! ... Hungh!
I'm so gonna have the best orgasm of my life....Here it comes...!
Awww!...uh! Hunh!
Aw shit! I'm in the last panel! And I was just about to...
Hungh! ... Hungh! ... Hungh!...

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-03
What a great day today! I finished work early and I'm so looking forward to getting laid tonight!
Say! That looks like a twenty dollar bill on the ground! I'll just bend over and pick it up!
Wow! It's a fifty! Can this day get any better?

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-03
Hi folks! I'm really flattered with all the encouraging feedback I've been getting about this series.
So I hope to continue it at a later date right after I...uh...
Nice try Jes, but no-one gets away from Dog 137! Remember the first task I set you?
What a dream! Drew Barrymore was sexing my brains out with a 12" robotic phallus and...AAAGH!
Hey baby! Wake up! I need some more Jes lovin' Full Throttle style!

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-03
Hi Dog! I tell ya, one cornholing is worth just half of the 137 shags I just had! Woo-hah!
Ha ha ha! I knew the anal degradation would...WHAT? Only ONE cornholing?
Yeah! After one, we got bored and just did it any old style we could invent! Celestial Fork, Ye Olde Englishe Trappe Door, Flying V, the lot!
Dammit! You were supposed to be crying fear-filled bloody tears from your brown eye by now!
Well, never send a sexy woman to do a robot's job, eh? What's my next task?
The next on the list after sex of course! Drugs!

 

by jes_lawson
7-31-03
The name's Bubbles. So what are you in for, slim?
Radical Art crime! I wrapped the Reichstag in brown paper!
But...but that's not at all radical! That's been done before!
Ah, but then I filled it with dog poop and set it on fire! You...?
Back in '95 I sawed Bea Arthur in half and put her in a tank of formaldehyde! Then I shot her out of a cannon! What about you, mac?
Dudes! I got busted for trying to reform Partners in Kryme! Man, they are SO RAD!

 

by jes_lawson
7-31-03
No way am I doing drugs and becoming a strung-up junkie rock star! I don't use drugs, full stop!
Like hell you don't! What do you call absinthe?
Lots of fun and LEGAL!
And that huge J you smoked on New Year? And that weird African root you tried to eat when you were out of speed?
Umm...
Trust me Jes, winners DO use drugs! Ask Ben Jonson and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Why do I feel Scottish? What are you saying? Agh! Not again!
!Niaga ton !Hga gniyas uoy era tahW ? hsittocS leef I od yhW
Eya!
Aye!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Was it a bar or a bat I saw?
Bar, Rab.
Rob, Rab. Tabor Bar.
Pint a' Catnip?
Regal lager.
Lager, sir is regal.

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Lager? Never even regal!
Was raw tap ale not a reviver at one lap at Warsaw?
No sir! Away! A papaya war is on!
War, sir, is raw!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Draw, O Coward!
Draw, O Coward!
Draw, O Coward!
Draw, O Coward!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
War, sir, IS raw!
No, sir, a papaya war is on.
Was raw tap ale not a reviver at one lap at Warsaw?
Lager! Never even! Regal...

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Lager, sir, IS regal.
Rob, Rab, Tabor Bar.
Regal lager.
Pint a' catnip...
Was it a bar or a bat I saw?
BAR, Rab!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Aye!
Eya!
!Niaga ton !Hga gniyas uoy era tahW ? hsittocS leef I od yhW
Why do I feel Scottish? What are you saying? Agh! Not again!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
++ CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! ++
Looks like it's curtains! The Random Location Transmogrifier's my only hope!

 

by jes_lawson
8-04-03
Ha ha! Looks like I'm safe. But I could be on my way to virtually any point in the Universe!
Meh, whatever. Now, to rematerialize...
Aww...nuts!

 

by jes_lawson
8-06-03
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal--Panama!
A man, a plan, a butt tub: anal Panama!

 

by jes_lawson
8-07-03
Weather forecasts for this summer in the UK are predicted to break all temperature and sunshine records.
Wow! Cool!
...and the chances of the Third Cricket Test being interrupted by rain are said to be "virtually nil"
Something ain't right up there...
You're telling me!

 

by jes_lawson
8-08-03
Who are you? Did God 137 send you?
Yes, he did. I'm Jim Morrison. I'm here to explain how drugs are an essential part of music.
So what are we going to do? Smoke weed, get high and write stoner songs?
Almost - I'm here to push you to the very boundaries of creative perception. Take this blue pill.
...well, I don't know about high, but there's definitley something levitating in my pants...
Sorry, wrong blue pill.

 

by jes_lawson
8-13-03
Hey Harold! Why are you so fat?
Because every time I fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit.

 

by jes_lawson
8-15-03
Ah, another day in cryogenic freeze playing chess and debating the existence of God!
Pah! God is dead, life is just a series of meaningless boring interactions. The End.
That's preposterous! How can you say that?
Easy.
No, I meant how can you physically say that? You're a chess board.
Yeah right. You're debating philosophy with a talking chessboard... Now who's being preposterous?

 

by jes_lawson
8-18-03
Four years learning to swim using only my ears, and some arsehole puts a swimming cap on me!

 

by jes_lawson
8-18-03
Father, I...I need your advice! I read a book about the changes a boy goes through when he becomes a man and I'm worried!
And what exactly are you worried about then, my son?
I...I'm worried about my whole face being covered in acne!
Don't worry son, acne won't come over all of your face until you're about 14.
Unlike me!

 

by jes_lawson
8-18-03
Hey Maura! Did you hear? Snoop Dogg's lady just gave birth to a 20-pound bouncing baby B-Boy last week!
Oh God! That must have hurt! I'm going over to see if she's still alive or not!
Hey Snoop! I hear you have a 20 pound baby son now! How's your lady?
She be fine. But my seed be only 15 pounds now! Word!
Oh no! What happened?
Had him circumcised. Fo shizzle!

 

by jes_lawson
8-19-03
He's on table 4.
Roger that.

 

by jes_lawson
8-23-03
*gulp* OK, I've taken the correct blue pill. Now what.
We wait...
Is this going to be like taking Ecstacy, where it kicks in after about half an hour?
No.
The number 42 bus comes right past here. We'll need to stop at an all-night garage. Won't be long...

 

by jes_lawson
8-23-03
This is daft. Nothing is happening.
Patience, Jes_. Ah! Here comes our bus now!
*Vroom!*
I think the drugs are beginning to kick in!
Single or return, guv?

 

by jes_lawson
8-23-03
*Barp* Uh, Jim, whatch's happening? I feel like I've just had 8 cansh of Special Brew and shpent the night on a park bench!
You're experiencing the effects of 137 different drugs! This one, of course, is alcohol.
Ugh...one minute I was all warm and fuzzy, now I feel like there are ants under my skin! So c-c-cold...
This one is heroin.
And this one?
Umm...Hormone Replacement Therapy. I... don't know how that one got in there...

 

by jes_lawson
9-02-03
I say, I say, I say! My dog has no nose!
My heavens! Then how does he smell?
Terrible!
Why sir, you are the living end! I raise my hat to you for that marvellous jest! How is your mother?

 

by jes_lawson
9-07-03
*Puff* Think this is the best way to advertise Stripcreator in the UK, 28?
Sure 28, running non-stop across country is easy *puff*... or would you prefer we were the ones giving the population blow-jobs for $5?
Hmm...
That's 5 times I've read it now. I'm sorry but it's there in black and white...
Check again. Are you sure? Honestly I don't think eviscerating a talking emu is the best way to start cooking one! Hey, I should know!

 

by jes_lawson
9-07-03
Where the hell is my burger? I DEMAND MY BURGER!
I'll just go see if it's ready sir.
For feck's sake,Red, he's had 5 already! Does he think I'm made of semen or something?

 

by jes_lawson
9-07-03
Well Jim Morrison, have you destroyed jes_'s body and soul with chemicals yet?
Actually he says he feels great. He was writing a short play about Qbert when I left him.
Curses! Nothing we throw at him has any effect!
What about pies? Did you try throwing pies at him? Or maybe, uh, chopped liver - he hates that.
Grr...
I'm going to spend eternity listening to Celine Dion in Hell 137 aren't I?

 

by jes_lawson
9-07-03
Hmph...despite my utter hatred of you and some blatant good luck, you're somehow ready for the final stage.
We get to Rock and Roll now?
Yep, but first you have to look the part - Ala-ka-Pedigree Noah Chomsky!
Aaagh! I've turned into a comic caption!
Whoops - how's that?
Awesome dude! I feel like I could write a hundred killer epic metal anthems! Way RADICAL!

 

by jes_lawson
9-09-03
One of us is a Safety Donkey, the other one isn't! See if you can guess which one!
Feldspar is a type of rock!
Sung to the tune of the "Spider-Man®" theme
Obi-Jo! Obi-Jo! Exploding Dog man "I told you so!"
Does he suck? I don't know. But, it's fun to make fun of ObiJo
Hey Theeere! There goes the ObiJoooo!
I don't think I like this song any more...

 

by jes_lawson
9-12-03
Ahoy Jim, Bobo mentioned you've taken up recycling
This isn't some vain attempt to make up for all those puppies you threw at David Blaine's 'Idiot-box'?
If I had a penny for everytime i've been chastised over throwing pets at illusionists I could f*cking buy you

Showing page 6.

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