All comics by kane2742

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by kane2742
12-28-07
Who's that handsome guy on your show?
David Tennant. He plays the Doctor.
Doctor who?
Yep.
What?
No, "Who."

 

by kane2742
12-28-07
Ma'am, the Navy regrets to inform you that your husband fell overboard and drowned.
We further regret that his body will not be retrieved for any sort of memorial service.
Why not?
He was lost in a no wake zone.

 

by kane2742
12-29-07
Your sister gave me the finger.
So?
So, that's not very nice.
Look at it this way...
She was just introducing you to her boyfriend.

 

by kane2742
12-29-07
I've decided to break up with my girlfriend.
"Girlfriend"? You mean the woman who comes in here like five times a day?
Yeah.
Why?
I've had enough of her shit.

 

by kane2742
12-29-07
I keep hearing things on the news about "The War Against Terror."
Yeah, so?
It gets kind of annoying hearing the same phrase repeatedly in each new report.
Why don't they have another way of saying it? Like maybe an acronym.
I'm gonna let you think about that for a second.

 

by kane2742
12-30-07
I was home by myself last night watching a zombie movie with all the lights off...
...when I heard a noise in the kitchen. I took my baseball bat with me to investigate.
Before I could get to the light switch, something jumped out at me.
I don't think poor Fluffy will ever be the same again.

 

by kane2742
12-31-07
Coming up: more info about annoying pop stars, news to make you afraid, a missing rich white girl, ...
... and updates on the three stories we've covered every day for months...
... all after this word from our sponsor: "Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!..."

 

by kane2742
12-31-07
Have any plans tonight?
I'll probably drink 'til I puke, sing an incoherent Scots song, and kiss a random stranger around midnight.
Mind if I join you? I don't have any New Year's plans.
It's New Year's Eve?

 

by kane2742
12-31-07
This party's pretty good, but what's up with those nuts?
What're you talking about?
The bowl of nuts over there without a nutcracker. They're really hard to crack.
That's my Zen rock garden.
Oh. And I suppose that what I thought was salt for margarita rims...?
Sand garden. One that my cat often mistakes for a litter box.

 

by kane2742
12-31-07
Did you hear about Tiger Woods's New Year's Eve party for his fellow part-Asian African Americans?
No.
It's a black Thai event.

 

by kane2742
1-01-08
What's your new year's resolution?
1080p, you?
1680 x 1050.

 

by kane2742
1-01-08
Do you think I have a chance with your sister?
She's in a relationship.
A lesbian relationship.
With your sister.
So that's a "maybe"?

 

by kane2742
1-01-08
You wanna hang out Friday night?
Sorry, I can't.
Why not?
I'm going to be at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
But you're a virgin.
I figure it's a good place to meet women.

 

by kane2742
1-02-08
See that guy over there? I hate that guy.
He seems okay to me. He has a good heart.
I bet that's what people said about guys like Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer.
Dahmer did have a good heart...
...in his freezer.

 

by kane2742
1-02-08
That statewide smoking in public ban just went into effect yesterday.
I've never understood why people start smoking.
Me either. Or why some people think it's sexy.
Yeah. If you get off on choking and dying, autoerotic asphyxiation is cheaper.

 

by kane2742
1-03-08
How's work going?
Pretty well. I just got promoted to Assistant Manager.
Really?
Yep. Even says so on my name tag. Well, actually it's abbreviated so they could fit my name.
Abbreviated how?
First three letters of each word. You figure it out.

 

by kane2742
1-03-08
I've decided to become a vegetarian.
You know who else was a vegetarian? Hitler!
Hey, leave me alone. I just got rejected by an art school and I'm feeling kind of down.
You know who else got rejected by art school? Hitler!
Whatever. I gotta go meet my girlfriend for dinner.
You know who else had a girlfriend? Hitler!

 

by kane2742
1-04-08
Your man Kucinich didn't do so well in the Iowa caucus.
Yeah, I heard.
I bet they think he's crazy because he says he saw a UFO.
But they'll vote for a guy who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

 

by kane2742
1-04-08
How's your sister?
Good. She and her girlfriend are thinking of moving in together.
Where are they going to live?
They'll just be a short drive away, in Oglesby.
So they'll be Oglesbians?

 

by kane2742
1-04-08
I'm kind of worried about all these genetically-modified foods
We have all these "frankenfoods": frankencorn, frankenwheat, franken... berries.

 

by kane2742
1-04-08
Apple is building a new Pirates of the Caribbean-themed cruise ship.
What's it called?
The iLiner.

 

by kane2742
1-05-08
The mayor of Peoria has called for 40 days of prayer in hopes of a more peaceful 2008.
That peace was broken when a Peoria man was shot three times Friday morning.
The prayer group cites this as evidence that their prayers are working.

 

by kane2742
1-05-08
I made a computer program to track my romantic experiences for future reference.
I call it my "Date-abase." Ha! Get it? Date--
It's empty, isn't it?
How'd you know?

 

by kane2742
1-05-08
Dennis Kucinch and Jimmy Carter both say they've seen UFOs.
And some Republicans, like Mike Huckabee, are young-Earth creationists who think humans lived with dinosaurs.
It seems like American politicians base their beliefs on cartoons.
Political cartoons?
No, The Jetsons and The Flintstones.

 

by kane2742
1-06-08
Today's Parade magazine says that if Benzair Bhutto regained power in Pakistan, she'd be our best hope against al-Qaeda.
Didn't she die like two weeks ago?
Yeah, and Parade's a weekly magazine. You'd think that their cover story would be more up to date.
Coming next week: breaking news on the Virginia Tech shooting.

 

by kane2742
1-06-08
I just started playing the drums, and already a comedian has asked me to do rimjobs for him.
You mean "rimshots"?
What's the difference?
How much you can expect to be paid, for one.

 

by kane2742
1-07-08
Did you hear that the Jackson 5 are having a reunion tour this year?
Really?! You know I'm a big fan; why didn't you tell me this sooner?
It never seemed Jermaine to the conversation.

 

by kane2742
1-07-08
Did you ask out that girl you like yet?
No.
Why not?
I found out she has pet shellfish.
So?
I just can't date a girl who has crabs.

 

by kane2742
1-07-08
I never want to have kids.
Why not?
To me, kids are kind of like prostitutes.
Sure, they might be fun for a few minutes, maybe even an hour or more if you have the stamina...
...but they'll just leave you with an empty wallet and a sticky mess to clean up.

 

by kane2742
1-08-08
There's a question that's been bothering me.
What is it?
If your sister were a prostitute, would you get a family discount?
You know what's been bothering me?
What?
That you think of questions like that.

 

by kane2742
1-08-08
You're kind of a pervert. Do you ever stop thinking about sex?
Hey, I think about sex the same amount as the next guy.
Are you sure?
Okay, maybe not the next guy.

 

by kane2742
1-08-08
I wish you'd quit twisting everything I say into a gay Freudian slip. I'm tired of being the butt of your jokes.
*snicker*
I mean it. Don't be an asshole. It's really beneath you.
*snicker*
You're such a dick. I'll show you someday, when I come out on top.
*snicker*

 

by kane2742
1-09-08
My girlfriend just dumped me. I don't understand why; I did everything for her.
I gave her plenty of TLC, went with her to AA, bought her lots of CDs and DVDs...
helped her with her application to MIT, and even saved her life with CPR.
And all she did was treat me like a BM and give me VD.
TMI.

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
I don't understant why some people are so obsessed with sports.
Me neither.
I don't have the attention span to sit there watching some pointless game for hours, or the money for tickets and pay-per-view.
Yeah, really.
I'm gonna go home and blow off some steam playing World of Warcraft now. You?
As soon as I renew my account for another six months.

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
What's wrong with you? You're kind of twitchy today.
Well, you know how I've been eliminating all distractions from homework...
...how I got rid of my TV, PS3, and computer games, leaving me with just my radio.
Well, that got to be too distracting, too, so I cut the cord. While it was still plugged int.
You're a special kind of retarded, aren't ya?

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
Hey, Carl. What's up?
Nothing, Larry. Just stopping by to admire that car you just bought from Dave.
Yeah. She's pretty nice. A bit bigger and louder than I normally like, but she's a smooth ride.
Um... Larry?
She has kind of funny smell in the back end, though. I'll have to see if Dave knows anything about that.
Larry, your wife's been behind you for about the last four sentences and now she looks kinda angry.

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
You see that new waitress yet?
Yeah! I'd like to stuff her like a turkey, if you know what I mean.
Huh?
She could lick my beater any time, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I get it! Let me try: I'd like to have lots of sex with her, if you know what I mean.
I don't think you're quite getting how this works.

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
You look kind of shaken up. Another electrical incident?
Yeah, but not quite like last time.
I got pulled over by a female cop. As she walked away, I said to my buddy, "That's a nice piece."
I was talking about her 9mm, but one thing led to another, and I got tased.
Oh. Sorry to hear that.
That's alright. I kind of enjoyed it, actually.

 

by kane2742
1-10-08
Hey, Jaime, you're originally from Mexico, right?
Yeah...
My sister's dating a Mexican guy named Raul Lopez. You know him?
Yeah, 'cuz all us Mexicans know each other. In fact, we're all related.
That's what I thought, but I didn't want to say it and sound ignorant or racist or anything.

 

by kane2742
1-11-08
Y'know how your senior year, people get voted "Most likely to succeed" and stuff like that?
Yeah.
I was voted "Biggest dick."
I'm not sure whether to be insulted or proud.

 

by kane2742
1-11-08
Can you help me find my lucky shirt?
"Lucky shirt"?
Yeah, the black one.
Don't you think it's a little silly to think that something you wear has magical powers over your life?
You're right. I'll stop looking for it.
Good. Now you can help me find my crucifix necklace.

 

by kane2742
1-11-08
Come join our Christians on Campus group!
No, thanks.
Why not?
I don't believe in religion. It all just seems like a bunch of silly superstition to me.
Oh my God! Why do you atheists have to try to push your agenda on everyone?

 

by kane2742
1-12-08
Here comes the Angry Dragon Adult Bookstore. That's where I get off.
There's no bus stop there.
I think you misunderstood.

 

by kane2742
1-12-08
I need to find myself a girlfriend.
Why don't you ask out that girl in your D&D group?
I'm intimidated by her. She has a lot more experience than I do.
She gets around, huh?
No, I mean she's a level 40 Rogue and I'm only a level 15 Cleric.

 

by kane2742
1-12-08
I get all your sci-fi stuff mixed up. I can't remember, on Doctor Who...
...what's his ship's name again? The Enterprise? The Millenium Falcon? The--
...TARDIS.
There's no need for name-calling just because I can't remember.

 

by kane2742
1-13-08
Fuck! I think I broke my toe running into that desk.
Please don't swear around my virgin ears.
Virgin ears, eh? I could change that.
You're not having sex with my ears!

 

by kane2742
1-13-08
Light is a wave! ___________ Wave! ___________ Wave! ___________ Wave!
It's particles! ___________ Particles! ___________ Particles!
Umm... actually, light behaves like a wave and a particle. So you're both right.
Infidel!
Blasphemer!

 

by kane2742
1-13-08
I feel kind of sick. Maybe I should go kill some people.
What?!
I read something that said, "Slaughter: the best medicine."
I'm pretty sure it's "Laughter's the best medicine."
Damn dyslexia.

 

by kane2742
1-13-08
What seems to be the problem?
I'm red and sore on my... uh... "manly parts."
Do you practice safe sex?
Sure...
I practice several times a day.

 

by kane2742
1-14-08
Look, a lot of people are waiting to get cocktails. That's kind of funny.
Why?
Because it's a "punchline." Get it?
Hmmm. If I hit you, do you think that would leave a punchline?

Showing page 6.

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