All comics by lukket

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by lukket
5-23-04
I've come to resign.
What a pity. You were very promising. Well, consider yourself fired with immediate effect.
You can't do that!?
Oh yes. Your contract says that resigning is prohibited.
That's illegal. I'll take this to court!
Sorry. That will be a breach of section 3 of the contract.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Welcome to the final proceedings in the case between "Holy Cross Operation" and "Alabama Instruments." The defendant may now come with his final arguments to the jury.
Thank you, your honor.
Back in 1688 B.C. the first known mathematician, Ahmes, was born. He documented division on several paper scrolls, and his ideas have since become public domain.
All intellectual property laws ensure that very old information will remain public domain and therefore HCO's claim is meritless. Thank you.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
OK. Now the counsel of the Holy Cross Operation with his final statements to the jury.
Thanks, your honor.
Since the invention of division 3,692 years ago, my client has suffered $1,000,000,000 in losses each year due to lack of royalty payment.
That's 3.7 trillion dollars of which just a small fraction could easily have been used for the benefit of the citizens in this great town.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Gentlemen of the jury. Before you proceed to vote, I must remind you of the significance of this case.
On one hand, it could mean a dangerous slope towards exaggerated profitizing on intellectual property that may harm all math users in the entire country.
On the other hand, it could also mean lower taxes, better streets, greater schools and a significantly prosperous future for all inhabitans in this great town.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Here's a live transmission from the courthouse in the "Holy Cross Operation" against "Alabama Instruments" case.
There's no way they're gonna win this one.
Have you reached a decision? Yes your honor. The jury find all claims of "Holy Cross Operation" of owning the intellectual rights to division to be meritless.
I thought so!
However, we feel that we could really use some fat to chew on, so we declare "Alabama Instruments" liable for paying roaylties of $1 billion per year of operation amounting to $25 billion.
Oh no. Tomorrow's classes are on divison.

 

by lukket
5-23-04
Today we're going to learn how to use multiplication instead of division. If you multiply something by 0.5 it equals dividing something by 2, but you don't infringe on any patents.
Would you know how to do this without grasping the concept of division initially?
Yes. This is just another way of looking at division.
I'm gonna tell on my dad!
Yeah. My dad is so gonna bust you for this!
Yeah. If you don't give us good grades in math, we're going to tell on you!

 

by lukket
5-23-04
I have a letter of cease and desist for using a derived method of our division patent.
Ah. I'll see you in court.
I have to dismiss this case because the grey suit from HCO convinced me of their dubious theories of derivative works during the lunch he paid for me.
Damn.
So you see Michael, that's why I can't share the 1st prize in the lottery with you, even though we paid the ticket together.
Good point.

 

by lukket
5-31-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
I've flown to Greenland and I'm now approaching one of the locals. Hello! Do you believe in global warming?
Yes, please!

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
What, I-?
Say "what" again. SAY "WHAT" AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say "what" one more goddamn time.
Say what?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?
Hnng!

 

by lukket
6-20-04
How was your trip to Antarctis, Monsignor?
I met this wonderful person at the south pole, and we had great fun, but we never saw again.
What happened?
I was going home, and I told him to meet me the following day in the Northern part, but he never showed up.
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by lukket
6-20-04
At work
I hope Blonde calls me soon, but on the other hand, I'm scared of the answer
Blue, can I have a word with you?
Oh. Hi Brunette. I apologise for this Friday.
Oh that's alright. But tell me, why was Red over at Blonde's the whole of yesterday afternoon?
He wasn't! He told me that he helped some beautiful girl with her stamp collection ... oh... I get your point... what were they up to?
Do you think something has happened between them?

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Why didn't Red tell me that he spent all that time at Blonde's?
I'm sure there is an explanation. Maybe it was the power failure in the area.
What power failure?
It's just... the bedroom light was off for some time.
The bedroom light was off???
Yeah. Shortly after Red went in, the bedroom light went off and then on again some minutes later. But I'm sure it's nothing.

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Are you suggesting that Red and Blonde ...
I'm not suggesting anything. Do you know why he was seeing her, anyway?
Well... I had sent her flower anonymously, and I wanted him to tell her that I love her...
What if she thought that he had sent her the flowers!?
Then ... oh my god!
I almost feel sorry for him.

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Oh my... I don't know what to do.
Come home to my place after work. Then we can talk about it over dinner.
Thanks. But I'll make it clear to you, that it's not a date, ok?
That's understood. We're just friends.
OK. I'll be at your place after work.
Every single day...

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Hi Red. I got a mail from Brunette saying that she's been with Blue.
That's a lie. She made a fool of herself by taking a shower at his place and then offering herself, but he declined.
How do you know?
She came to me for comfort...
What a mess! You just can't make those things up.
Yeah, that's why I use it as inspiration for a web comic on Keenspot.

 

by lukket
6-20-04
You're using your friends for a web comic???
Yeah, but don't worry. I give you other names.
Can I see it?
Yeah. Here, take a look.
You're calling me Blondie? Hey that character looks like me.
Don't worry. Nobody will recognize you. I made your tits bigger!

 

by lukket
6-20-04
What is this link at the bottom... it looks Japanese?
Wait! Don't click that!
*click* Hey! That's me. What is that tentacle thingie doing to me???
Uh oh...
*click* Oh my fucking god... Red... I'm going to have a word with you... I'm quite mad at you right now!
Mad at me!? Why? I made you quite popular in Japan!

 

by lukket
6-20-04
I'll advise you to keep your mouth shot! I'm signing off now. I have to think, and maybe you should start thinking too.
Yeah... I better think about getting a payment-based porn website for those things.
Damn. What's wrong with the world? Red makes hentai porn with me, Blue is a clumsy clown, and I can't get hold of my feelings.
From now on the situation can only improve!
Hey! Blue's going to visit me!!! Thank God... he's finally come to his senses. Hey. Wait-a-minute, why is he knocking on Brunette's door?

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Why am I turning my back at Blonde's house?
Oh yeah. Brunette saw Red there. They're probably together now.
*knock knock*
Why haven't I asked Blonde about it. Hey! I'm going over there right now.
I'll be right with you.

 

by lukket
6-20-04
Yeah! I'll go over to Blonde and confront her with what Brunette told me! If she loves Red, I will respect her.
I'm coming!
Blue??
I've been waiting for you... hey... where are you?

 

by lukket
6-26-04
Why aren't feminists ever feminine?
How do you know a blonde has used your PC? There's correcting fluid on the screen!
If you flirt with the judge, we may have a chance of winning this case.

 

by lukket
6-26-04
Now, I think that's her room. Let me just sneak in.
*snore*
*snore*
Ready for some sweet love, baby?
Well...that could've gone better.

 

by lukket
7-26-04
We're bored.
Why don't you boys go and abuse some little children?
Hi there. Where do you normally go to abuse little children?
I told you we'd get caught!
See Will, this is what happens when we listen to your mother.

 

by lukket
7-27-04
Rets take acid and fuck ouw blains out.
Well my parents would kill me, but what the hell.
Maybe hydrochloric acid wasn't a good idea?
Maybe. Let's fuck!
Panel Censored by FCC

 

by lukket
8-08-04
Hey Brad, want to play Doom 3?
Yeah. Why not?
We've played this for 20 seconds, and you're already dead?
Already? This is my personal record!
You're the biggest loser ever.

 

by lukket
8-08-04
In a moment, toro, we will release you into the bull ring and you know what will happen next?
I get to fuck a herd of sweet ass cows in front of all those people?
No, two picadors will jab barbs into you, a bandillero will stab your neck muscle, then I will torment you with my cape and stab you dead with my sword.
That's fucked up, man.
It is our tradition.
So is fucking a herd of sweet ass cows, but you've taken the pleasure out of that too with artificial cattle insemination

 

by lukket
8-15-04
Time flies like an arrow
An arrow?
Yeah, I don't get it either.
Time is money
You have to pay me those $5 in real money, Sir.
But I've given you 15 minutes of my time!?
About time
Some people say it's about time to have some new leadership.
We believe that's really just about politics.

 

by lukket
8-21-04
Enough fucking around Vinnie. Ya gots the Don's money or whut? It ain't good ta keeps the Don waiting ya know. I don't wants ta havta bust ya balls.
*Gulp* Um I-I-I don't have the Don's money b-b-but maybe I can repay him some other way?
Hmmm...
Uh oh.
He needs someone to fix his Windows XP PC...
Oh no, please kill me!

 

by lukket
8-21-04
Enough fucking around Vinnie. Ya gots the Don's money or whut? It ain't good ta keeps the Don waiting ya know. I don't wants ta havta bust ya balls.
*Gulp* Um I-I-I don't have the Don's money b-b-but maybe I can repay him some other way?
Hmmm...
Uh oh.
Why dontcha just pay - it's only $5!
Oh, you were talking about Don Johnson!?

 

by lukket
8-21-04
Kyoto, please give our honoured guest standup comedian from the US a warm welcome!
歓迎
Japanese are so funny. Yesterday I was asked if I liked lice with my food! And whenever I see a girl I expect her to say "sucky sucky fie dolla"!
その愚か者を排出しなさい
Hey! What happen?
Do we still seem funny to you?

 

by lukket
9-03-04
In 1992 Johnny Carson was ousted from the Tonight Show studios where he had practically lived since 1962
Together with his ready-for-pension crew, he roamed the Great Plains of America in search for a new home. He founded Nevada and named the capital Carson City...
Notable people among his former crew were Antonio Las Vegas, Jay Reno, Ann Boulder City, Bob Pahrump, Fran Fernley, Winnie Winnemucca, Phil Fallon, Harry Henderson and Bob Sparks

 

by lukket
9-03-04
In spring 1958, Ben Dover soon came to regret presenting himself to a prototype robot and had to get away quickly.
Soon he drew a crowd of equal-minded people and they led a ambitious search for new horizons until they reached the shore. Here Dover founded Delaware and named the capital after himself
Other cities were named after his fellow travellers: Welma Wilmington, Theodore Bear, Carl Lewes, Scott Glasgow, Nora Newark, Dawson Pike Creek, Mercedes Seaford, and Orville Georgetown.

 

by lukket
9-04-04
In the 1890 German election, both the Catholic Centre and the Social Democrats made great gains, and Otto von Bismarck resigned at the insistence of Kaiser Wilhelm II, who came to the throne in 1888
Gehen Sie weg!
Jawohl, mein Kaiser!
Disappointed in his country, Bismarck went to U.S.A. to settle down, but was thrown out of South Dakota after living for a year in Lincoln's left nostril. He went North with a gang of petty thieves.
They founded North Dakota and named the capital after Otto. Other cities were named after the thieves: Bruce Williston, Cruella Devilslake, Will Fargo, Hugh Dickinson, R U Minot, and Alotta Grandforks

 

by lukket
9-04-04
In 1980 the Music World lay in ruins following the collapse of disco. A group of musicians led by Ray Charleston went to seek new territory.
On a journey that unfortunately became a source of inspiration to John Denver, they found their new home at the end of the country roads; West Virginia. The capital was named after Ray Charleston.
Many cities were named after the musicians, among which were: Jeff Beckley, Charlie Parkersburg, Roger "Princeton" Nelson , Ricky Martinsburg, Petula Clarksburg and Phil "Harmonic" of Vienna.

 

by lukket
9-08-04
Helena had grown tired of Demetrius' archaic style, so she decided to leave him in the dead of the night and look for a more meaningful experience.
She quickly found other dissatisfied Shakespeare cast members on a quest for a better life. The travellers founded Montana and named the capitol after their fearless leader, Helena.
When shall we three meet again?
Other cities were named after the travellers: Vipsanius Anacondadeerlodgecounty, King Missoula, Don Adriano de Glasgow, Gaius Billings, Greatfalls, King of Denmark, John Havre, and Martius Milescity.

 

by lukket
9-12-04
When is your father coming home again?
He'll be home again from jail before christmas. Why?
It's just.... I heard your mother is getting pretty desparate.
Hearsay! That's all it is. See you tomorrow at school, Steve.
Make love to me! Now!

 

by lukket
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
Luke, I am yer pop!

 

by lukket
9-13-04
You traitor. I can't tolerate your naive trust in humans.
But Maura loves me, and I love her.
What if I told her that Indypete is also a robot?
She'll never fall for that. She loves me for who I am, and not because I'm a handsome robot!
Make love to me! Now!

 

by lukket
9-18-04
That does it! You're fired!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
You witch! You betrayed me with Red Robot. I want a divorce.
We're not even married. But fine! There's plenty of other fish in the sea!
You bastard! You betrayed me with Maura. I want a divorce.
Fine! I'll change my name to Tobor and dedicate my life to sodomization!
I hate robots!
I hate robots!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
I need to get revenge against Maura!
As your lawyer I will recommend trying to run her out of business. Be her largest competitor!
But... she's a porn producer! I don't know anything about the porn industry.
One word: Robot porn!
That's two words!?
Whatever. I'll put you in contact with a new promising robot porn actor.

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Meanwhile...
Hey Maura! Long time no see.
Indypete! What are you doing at McDonalds? How indie is that?
I got to earn a living. What brings you here?
Just broke up with that no-good robot of mine.
And you wanted some human flesh instead?
No. I came for the fat. Super-size me!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Well... I want my revenge over Maura, so let's do it!
I'll set up the company, hire some porn extras and let you talk to our main actor.
I'm looking for Tobor.
Just a moment.. I'll find him!
Do you know where Tobor went?
I'll fetch him as soon as he's finished cornholing the vacuum-cleaner.

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Red Robot!? You stole my girlfriend!
I am TOBOR and I will CORNHOLE you!
Are you still seeing Maura?
No. She was not of importance to me. I have seen the light. Being killed is too good for humans. They need to be anally raped!
You're hired!
Anal rape - here I come!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
A week later...
Ah my favourite accountant. How nice it is to see you!
I bring you bad tidings. Our marketshare has plummeted because of competition!
Competition? But didn't I tell you to destroy competition?
ButIwasrapedbyarobot
What?
Your old boyfriend Clango has teamed up with this new assraping robot, TOBOR. I got a sample. For free. If you want me to go there again, I quit!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Hi Maura. What brings you here so soon?
I HATE robots!
So do I. My boyfriend went out with you, remember?
Yeah yeah. I'm so sorry and all that. But listen to me; they've teamed up!
Good for them!
You don't get it. Red Robot has become a robot porn actor and now he's threatening my business. Please help me!

 

by lukket
10-10-04
So Red Robot has joined Clango in the porn industry? How can I help you - do you want me to be a porn actor?
Um no. That would be appalling. No, I want you to talk some sense into Red Robot.
Sorry. I'm not going to help you.
Oh come on. Don't you want revenge?
I want what my boyfriend got from you.
That's actually the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Deal.

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Can I talk to Red Robot?
His name is Tobor now. I'll get him for you.
Tobor. I think your delivery of man flesh is here!
TOBOR come now!
Tobor, I've come to take you back!
Hi Indypete. I have found my calling, but come on in and we can talk about it.

 

by lukket
10-10-04
Watch the next episode
Where were you yesterday? We were supposed to shoot "RARR 2 - The wicked pirates"!
Tobor very sorry. Had to cornhole old friend.
for more intrigues and drama
Good work, Pete. Let's do it right away!
Oh no. Not now. My colon hurts!
in Diesel Meanies
Oh man did you see his cornholer!
I think we need to hire Tobor. We'll make a fortune!

 

by lukket
10-16-04
Meet my new boyfriend Carl.
Where's the toilet? Oh. Nevermind.
Meet my new girlfriend Lisa.
I'm pregnant!
Meet my new boyfriend Tim.
I want you right now. Right here.

Showing page 6.

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