All comics by travisweird

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Do you have any formula? I'm a vegan.
by travisweird, 12-28-10

 

by travisweird
2-01-11
She was the victim of a horrific shark attack...
AHHHHH!
Nice legs!
But she was born to surf, and she valiantly returned to keep living the dream...
She's so brave!
So brave!
But then that same dick shark came back!
AHHHHH! NOT AGAIN!
Sigh. Leftovers!

 

by travisweird
5-03-11
God, my urologist gave me the strangest test! It didn't even seem like a test, it seemed more like a handjob!
And he wasn't even dressed like a doctor, he was dressed like a cowboy!
And he didn't even use a cup to collect the sample, he-
AAHHH that's enough!

 

Do gay people make straight jokes?
Why are you asking me?
by travisweird, 5-03-11

 

Alright boys, let's get ur done!
by travisweird, 5-03-11

 

by travisweird
9-11-11
The Mating Rituals of Anteaters
Oooh that tickles!
The Mating Rituals of Deer
Why is there an elk track in our bedroom?
The Mating Rituals of Porcupines
Ow get off me! Just wait a second I'm almost done. Well you're hurting me! Oh god, you poked a hole in the condom!

 

Nancy Grace, you are safe another week!
Oh... my... god.
by travisweird, 11-20-11

 

by travisweird
11-20-11
Hello, I represent the lollipop guild. As your president, I would lower taxes, lower unemployment, and lower doorknobs.
And how do you respond to the allegations of sexual harassment?
I literally meant "suck my lollipop!"

 

by travisweird
12-20-11
Dear Dr. Laura, my boyfriend wants to try something called The Human Centipede, should I be concerned?
Dear Concerned, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Then again, it might be just what the doctor ordered. Wink!
OH GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?
BWA HA HA HA!

 

by travisweird
12-28-11
"Where are we?" "This is not the way." "Where are the children?"
"I have a secret." "This is not the way." "I killed her, no one else knows."
"I found this stopwatch. It belongs to a ghost." "I can't find a parking spot, I guess we'll have to drive off the edge."
Oh I get it now, the severed monkey head symbolizes a young woman's fragile heart.

 

by travisweird
1-20-12
The secret to getting women! Tell us your story.
I've seen your infomercial at 2 am, and I never thought I'd say this but now I'm a believer!
I'm rich.
Thanks
Can I have a jet?

 

by travisweird
3-14-12
Fox the fox, rat the rat.
Uh-huh...
You can ape the ape. I knew about that.
Yeah...
Don't you know you're going to shock the monkey!
I knew that was coming. Write some new material!

 

by travisweird
3-14-12
Have you ever listened to one of Obama's speeches on weed? He sounds waaaaay better.
It's the devil man, he's here and he's running everything. College? Satan. Politics? Satan. America? Satanica. Open your eyes man.
(Newt Gingrich in case you couldn't tell).
Oh man I just had a freaky dream where Anne Coulter -remember her? Anyways, oh man what am I talking about? Socialize medicine, pass the blunt around!

 

by travisweird
3-07-14
Hi, I'm Cindy. People say I'm silly. I love having fun and living life to the fullest!
Hi, I'm Cindy, I mean Donna. People say I'm silly. I love having fun and living life to the fullest!
Hi, I'm Gertrude. I'm the brunette!

 

by travisweird
3-07-14
Alright Juan Pueblo, there are two contestants left and only one rose. Who gets to stay?
Oh man, this really hard. Think Juan Pueblo, think.
The one on the left is named Christie, right?

 

by travisweird
3-07-14
Juan Pueblo, do you think ABC should do a gay or bi-sexual Bachelor?
Um, Juan Pueblo think gay are not so good for children cuz um, they are more pervert.
ABC is experiencing public relations difficulties. Please enjoy Too Cute! while we replace Juan Pueblo.
Gay cats turn kittens gay.
Shut-up, Frank.

 

by travisweird
3-07-14
And you didn't mean what you said about gay people, right?
Right. It's Americans, they need to get out and learn! Like, in Venezuela, gay means happy, and pervert mean... good.
When I say gays pervert I offended people and that was really retarded of me. Like a person who eat crayons.
ABC is experiencing public relations difficulties. Please wait while we burn Juan Pueblo's contract.
The helicopter leave with all the women!

 

by travisweird
3-07-14
Well most of the women have left of their own volition. You have one rose. Who's it going to be?
Juan Pueblo choose blonde woman.
The blonde woman works the camera and she thinks you're a jerk.
Juan Pueblo sad.
Now back to Too Cute!
Meow!
Too cute!

 

by travisweird
2-04-15
Hi. I'm Mei, and I make Nike shoes!
I'm Lee, and I make Adidas shoes!
And we're always fighting!
Like who gets to sleep in the top drawer!
These are two new girls, you racist.
We should open a cupcake factory!
We cannot afford such indulgences in these economic circumstances. Save what little dignity you have and go back to your skinny white girl jeans. (laugh track)

 

by travisweird
2-04-15
I find it preposterous, the notion that we evolved from amphibeans.
Indeed. Teach the contraversy, I say!
God created the dinosaur!
Wait, I thought we were cloned from mosquitos in amber.
Yes! Richard Attenborough created the heavens and earth, then he narrated it.
I think you were in that can that Newman dropped.

 

by travisweird
2-04-15
My, what is this?
They're called "hyoo munns."
And what do they do?
They're like us, but they don't lay eggs.
And do they all wear clothing that describes themselves in a flattering manner?
No that's Kylie, she's a *****.

 

by travisweird
2-04-15
Marry, fuck, or kill: parasaur, dilophosaurus, or brachiosaur?
Hmmm. Obviously fuck a parasaur, that's a no-brainer. Dilophosaurus spits, that's no good.
Oh Spielberg just made that up. Dilophosauruses make very good wives.
Is this an elaborate attempt to hook me up with your ugly friend?
Oh god.
Of course the waitress had to be a parasaur.

 

by travisweird
11-30-16
November 8th
She's a nasty woman. KKK? I don't know what that is.
November 8th
Most Mexicans are druggies and rapists. No more Muslims, how about that, folks!
November 9th
What did we do?
We have lost our critical thinking skills.

 

by travisweird
12-01-16
CNN - Wolf Blitzer
So you are not a white supremacist?
No, I'm green!
MSNBC - Rachel Maddow
You toured with a punk rock group named Pepe And The Skinheads.
I thought we shaved our heads for the music, Rachel!
Fox News
You frogs need to hop off your lazy butts!
I had no idea Rudy Giuliani was such a monster.

 

by travisweird
12-01-16
Sir, we need to know what to do about Aleppo!
And what is Aleppo?
No seriously sir, we have planes in the air and trucks on the way!
...What is Aleppo?
What is Aleppo?
That's right! For 2,000 dollars!

 

by travisweird
12-01-16
We've saved the planet by switching to solar and other clean energy!
Good work!
We've eased student loans and it provided a major stimulus to the economy!
Right on schedule!
This is crazy, let's go back to deciding between a reality show star and a terrible president's spouse!
Yeah!

Showing page 6.

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