All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
10-21-03
you think you can pull one over on the liberal fairy eh? think again.
look, really i can explain..
no way. you are a cynical, evil man.
fine. there is no redemption, not even from you. fuck you and the whole planet. i'm off to north korea.
huh? wha.. what am i doing here back in this cage? i was free..
the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few ... or the one.

 

by Cobb
10-22-03
that's it. i'm ready for the next war.
what a surprise. who is it this time, new zealand?
i'm serious, check out these satellite photos of north korea.
yodok prison camp? bukchang?
now you know.
ok, so who did you get these from, and please don't say joseph wilson.

 

by Cobb
10-22-03
so where were you?
i was a huge vulture picking meat off the bones of dead north korean political prisoners. it was heaven.
i'm speechless.
it was too good to be true. i knew it couldn't last. i can't even tell if i was dreaming or not.
your breath is still pretty bad.
hmm. i can't wait until i burp.

 

by Cobb
10-26-03
well, they're at it again.
what's depressing you today?
a congress full of men just made some abortions illegal.
just another restriction on a woman's right to choose.
not that i'm getting any sex at all these days.
a girl's got to have options.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
i don't know. chances are pretty slim that i'd decide at the last minute to abort.
that's not the point. it's a slippery slope. give them an inch and they'll take a mile.
still. abortion is pretty gruesome. i just don't like the fact that it's all men deciding. i mean you'd think that men would be all for it.
well, you always did have pretty poor taste in men.
what's that got to do with anything?
isn't that the whole point of abortion? poor taste in men?

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
so you're saying women should have the right to abortions because we have poor taste in men?
yes. same thing with contraception. it's all so we can indulge.
i'm shocked.
c'mon. look at you. you dated a clown pornographer who ran for governor of california.
yeah but now he's an animal rights activist.
my point exactly.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
so you're for a woman's right to choose.
yes. choose any man she wants and not suffer the consequences of his demon seed.
i've never heard that theory before. it's just too weird. the more i think about it, the more i want to be pro-life.
you're just afraid to admit that you want to screw mr. right now.
not any more. you just freaked me out entirely.
yeah right. lemme know what it's like to share beauty secrets with the women of the christian coalition.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
i know we don't date any longer, but i wanted to ask you something.
sure babe. hey it's good to see you.
stow it. we had a fair amount of sex back in the days, remember?
like it was yesterday, and boy do i get nostalgic.
uhm, well what would you think if i got pregnant, didn't tell you and then had an abortion after we broke up?
that depends. who else knows about this?

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
i didn't really get an abortion you idiot. it was just a question.
and you're mad because?
because you're not mad. how could you be so indifferent to such an important question? all you care about is yourself!
yeah so who else cares about me? certainly not you.
i would if you were more thoughtful and considerate.
look who's talking, jane roe.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
you say i'm not thoughtful and considerate but you would abort my baby.
i'm not saying i would, i just wanted to know what you'd think if i did.
well it's not a fair question. for all i know you might have and are just feeling guilty. this is really fucked up!
awww. i can see that you actually are angry. it's not just a joke to you.
well it is a baby me.
i think we both dodged a bullet.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
you're looking upbeat.
i decided that i am definitely pro-life.
go figure.
seriously. you never know what people are really about until you talk about having babies. it brings out a whole new dimension.
you're sleeping with the clown again aren't you?
thank god for modern contraception.

 

by Cobb
10-27-03
dear mr. chang, it has come to my attention that your game 'ghettopoly' has brought you a great deal of fame and quite a bit of money.
i also understand that you are being sued by parker brothers and castigated by the naacp for the racist stereotypes of your game.
if it's any consolation to you, you should know that you have served as an excellent example to some of us.
so you're giving up on 'chinkopoly' eh?

 

by Cobb
11-02-03
how many mp3s would you say that you have?
about 7 or 8 thousand, why?
we might have the same taste in music. i want to share.
really? ok, i've got this cool software package. download it from here.
ok. i got it. is it running right?
yeah perfectly. hey cool pictures. do you know any of those chicks?

 

by Cobb
11-02-03
i see you're on the peer network. it's about time.
how long have you been sharing files like this?
since back in the days when lawyers didn't understand computers.
lawyers understand computers?
you know what i mean, understand how to make money from other people's fear of them.
that's more like it.

 

by Cobb
11-03-03
i didn't know you checked out porno on the net.
yeah, i'm about to go on a date.
huh?
naomi wolf says this deadens my interest in real women.
blind date eh?
this way i only get attracted to her mind.

 

by Cobb
11-05-03
i'm not sure that i want to join your p2p group.
c'mon. everybody's doing it. don't you want to get free music?
sorta, but isn't that stealing? i'm really not comfortable with some of the things people are doing on peer networks.
you're just chicken. i thought you were cool.
i want to be cool but..
..fine. don't join up. loser! i suppose you're going to run and tell the riaa.

 

by Cobb
11-07-03
you've been playing that same song over and over.
i know. i got it from the peer network.
so you stole it.
don't say that. i'm just borrowing it. i'm going to listen to it until i get tired and then i'm going to put it back.
i didn't figure you for an alanis morrisette fan.
if god was one of us, would he share music?

 

by Cobb
11-07-03
i think i'm going to enjoy sharing music.
oh so you're sharing music now?
yes. listening to alanis morrisette 'if god was one of us'. i figured god would want us to share.
alanis? you mean cheryl crow don't you?
what's the difference?
i think you've got a bootleg.

 

by Cobb
11-07-03
you know that music from the peer network? i think something's wrong with it.
how do you mean?
well, was it really alanis morrisette or cheryl crow that did that 'god was one of us'?
how should i know? why are you asking me?
i got it from your computer.
well i got it from the girl in the new subdivision. blame her, not me.

 

by Cobb
11-07-03
..so i'm not sure if it's alanis or cheryl.
neither. it's joan osborne.
who?
joan osborne, i ripped the cd myself.
so how did i get alanis morrisette's name on the mp3 tag?
it's like that old trick they did with spike lee movie tickets.

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
so now what do you think about my theory about the matrix?
that they are all still inside an even larger matrix and there's a secret fourth episode being filmed? no. it's over.
..but..
it's over. get over it.
you probably believe tupac is dead too.
my god, he's serious.

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
you really believe there's a matrix 4?
of course. look. if neo was really dead, how could he beat the machines outside of the matrix?
i don't know.
it's obvious that he has a new shell. he'll be transubtantiated or reincarnated. that's why they had the indian programs.
ok..
are you prepared to live in a world with more freddie krugers than neos?

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
have you accepted that neo is dead?
how could neo die and the merovingian live? i'm boycotting the studio.
i'm sure there's some logical reason. cause and effect.
very funny. you sound just like him.
Nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère!
oh you're realling pissing me off now.

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
if only the oracle hadn't changed her shell, neo could have survived.
every beginning has an end.
if only morpheus didn't lose the neb.
some things change. some things don't.
if only joel silver didn't care about money.
there is no spoon.

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
i'm totally bummed out, man.
still not over the end of the matrix?
there are like so many questions we'll never know the answers to.
so go smoke a fatty or something.
you just don't understand my profound sense of loss.
i undertand it, i just don't appreciate it.

 

by Cobb
11-09-03
you again? are you still whining over the destruction of... whatever the matrix was?
no dude. i'm finally over it.
oh?
yes, i truly accept that everything that has a beginning has an end.
the miracle of cinema. well, there's hope us all.
yeah, the dvd comes out next spring!

 

by Cobb
11-19-03
now that the massachusetts court has said gay marriage is ok, are you going to celebrate the destruction of american values?
actually, i just had a few drinks at the bar with my buds.
and then a wild orgy i suppose?
your vivid imagination is what i like about you.
sorry but i'm already married.
hey, now i can use that one.

 

by Cobb
11-19-03
gay marriage is legal. i bet that really makes you happy.
yeah i guess. i don't see why everybody gets so upset about it.
because it's a huge deal. are you kidding? it redefines the meaning of family.
well it's no big deal to me personally.
but gays all over win. that must mean something.
it would, but i'm really not the marrying type.

 

by Cobb
11-20-03
so you're not going to run out and get married now that it's legal?
why would i?
well, i mean now people will be forced to respect you. you can show off the ring.
so you just wear a wedding band to get respect?
it always helps when i'm doing polling work on evangelical midwesterners.
one ring to master them all.

 

by Cobb
11-20-03
our research indicates that americans will accept gay marriage if it is spelled differently.
huh?
you just use a silent 'g' to indicate that you're gay.
gmarriage?
right! it sounds exactly the same, plus you can express gay pride when deconstructing text.
gfuck off.

 

by Cobb
11-22-03
i'd like to thank you.
for what?
for grabbing most of the headlines for a change.
oh. well, it wasn't my choice.
when are people going to stop treating us like freaks?
i think it depends entirely upon the michael jackson verdict.

 

by Cobb
11-26-03
dude. you want to come over thursday for some unreal championship?
this thursday?
yeah i figured we could hang out in the basement and get some good gaming in.
that's thanksgiving, i've got to be with my folks.
look, i'm offering you a way out.
get the new project gotham racing 2 and you've got a deal.

 

by Cobb
11-26-03
i don't think i'm going to be able to ditch my folks on thanksgiving just to play video games.
just? what if you told them it was football? it wouldn't be 'just' football.
i see your point, but you don't know my folks.
i do know your folks, that's why i'm offering sanctuary.
but it's in your own parent's basement.
take it from me, there isn't a better parent-free zone on the planet.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
it says here that for fifty bucks you can name a star.
i've always wanted to have my own star. fifty bucks seems like a bargain.
what would you name it?
i dunno. just not some stupid greek or latin name.
yeah. who decided all those names shouldn't be in english?
the nerve of some people.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
remember all that talk about the solar flares?
oh yeah. whatever became of that?
nothing as far as i can tell. what about you?
well, my cable guide isn't working and customer service said something about satellites.
so poor service is an act of god now?
kinda throws a wrench in my 'bright' philosophy.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
i didn't know that you didn't believe in god.
well i don't.
what's your reasoning?
i just take it on faith that there is no god.
you..
there's no reason to reason with me. it's all faith-based.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
come on. you? you're the programming wizard geek and all that. i can't believe you have no reasons for your atheism.
i used to make excuses and try to explain myself, but in the end, it's just how i feel.
so you think everything is ultimately meaningless, that we're not here for a purpose?
why do you assume that?
well, that's what the pastor told us to say if we should happen to..
stop trying to reason with me.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
dear dean kamen, it has come to my attention that you will now be selling your segway technology to the marines in order to make battlefield robots.
i am paraplegic and had always looked forward to trading up my wheelchair for your wonderful mobility devices.
however, now that i see that you are playing both sides of the market, i'm not so sure.
well, he did promise to change the world.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
yo dog. you about to go to iraq?
yes. how do you like my uniform?
it's green. just like yo' fool ass. you don't even know when you get back.
what difference does it make? at least i won't be here.
what? did your meth lab blow up?
as a matter of fact, it wasn't my meth lab.

 

by Cobb
12-02-03
in this evening's news, thousands of army reservists are being called to active duty for a tour in iraq.
many of these reservists are former burger flippers from dying small towns in the plains states eager to get abroad.
says charles dumont of doofcart, oklahoma: "i want to see a place where billions of dollars are being spent on anything at all."

 

by Cobb
12-04-03
i've known you for a long time, but i never really admired you until now.
admired me? for what?
how you put up with it. you know.
what are you talking about?
you must know that everybody always thinks the n-word when they see you, and yet you remain calm.
aha. so that's what you were thinking.

 

by Cobb
12-04-03
look, black people know that white people think we are niggers.
but that's so paranoid.
i know. so it only matters when you say it.
but it's just a word. that's just oversensitive.
i know. so it only matters when you say it in a certain context.
did i mention how admirable your tolerance is?

 

by Cobb
12-04-03
i don't need your admiration because you think i'm tolerant.
but there are so many racists, and you can be cool about it.
it's just part of living in a racist country. still, everyone has limits.
i could never be black.
if you had a black boyfriend, you could have some black in you.
that's the oldest line in the book. are you serious?

 

by Cobb
12-04-03
look, you're the one who started off with the admiration stuff.
ok, i admit it. i just was thinking of you in a new light.
you mean other than a snarky republican rich kid?
no. you're not that. you're something more. something special.
you do have a way with words. i think you're kinda special too.
this is jungle fever isn't it?

 

by Cobb
12-04-03
so what if it's jungle fever? everybody should have at least one jungle fever thing.
i don't think you're taking this seriously. i admire your character.
look let's just not over think this ok. just go with the flow.
you're right. you're right.
do white women really...
are black men really...

 

by Cobb
12-08-03
and so i really feel weird about this.
well i never thought about interracial relationships much, but i think you should just go for it.
you have to admit it's a strange reason to get involved.
c'mon. my last girlfriend thought i was interesting because she thought i had good taste in porno.
and how long did that last?
that's hardly the point here.

 

by Cobb
12-08-03
you really need to get over yourself about this. it's not like your the first black guy to have sex with a white girl.
it hasn't gone that far yet.
so why are you pestering me about it. jeez! get laid already. what do you want my permission or something?
no i..
you what? you think i was rounding up a lynch mob?
i'm blacker than i thought.

 

by Cobb
12-08-03
so we're going to drive up the coast and go to a bed and breakfast.
wow. all that for a first date?
it's not about sex, really.
wait a minute, are we talking about the black guy?
it's not like that. he's really sweet.
oh you are in such denial. you can't even look me straight in the eye!

 

by Cobb
12-08-03
..so he's taking her up the coast.
even though it's just sexual.
even though she called him the n-word.
and his father is going to sue.
so my question to you is whether or not you approve of such behavior.
oh no he didn't!

 

by Cobb
12-08-03
i'm very upset with you, my brother.
what is it this time?
i asked you for advice when the blonde was making fun of my yellow pants, and you did nothing.
so?
now i find out that you had been boinking her all along? for shame!
boinking? you have been away from basra far too long.

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