All comics by crabby

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by crabby
1-23-02
Professor biscuit I was hoping you could explain to me why the christmas tree haunts me so.
Well you are a robot you know. The warm glow of the holidays doesn't fill you with joy the way it does normal living people.
Professor the glow of the tree doesn't fill me with joy buy it does fill me with a hatred which I've never felt before in all my years.
Are you proposing that an evil creature is lurking in the tree filling you with evil thoughts?
Yes I am! Lets go check it out.
To the biscuit wagon!

 

by crabby
1-23-02
I see the problem young robot. There appears to be someone hiding inside of that tree. I'll just toss the tree aside and.........
Ah-Ha! It's rickety Pete. He used to haunt the old school yard and now he must be trying to ruin christmas by haunting that tree.
Bah! I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for that little homo-sexual robot!
Good work young robot now why don't we go back to my place for a little fun.
What did that evil man mean by homo-sexual?

 

by crabby
1-24-02
Daddy put a civil war fight scene in your new Star Wars movie.
I don't know how that would tie into the whole story. People already raised a big enough stink about the whole N'Sync thing.
Do it daddy or I tell the press about our little game!
Yikes.

 

by crabby
1-28-02

 

by crabby
1-31-02
My father demanded to see me today. He says he doesn't have much time left and needs to tell me something before he goes.
I thinke he's a pirate. He owns several cannons and some sort of high class death ship.
Here he comes now. I hope he doesn't make me walk the plank.

 

by crabby
1-31-02
Son I'm glad you came. I need to tell you something important.
Dad I already know. Your a pirate you don't have to hide it any longer.
Your a moron! I'm here to tell you that you have a brother. I never told you because I didn't think you could handle it.
Wow a brother thats so exciting!
Shut the hell up! Here's his address. I need you to go and kill him.
I've never killed a man before. I sure hope he's smaller than me.

 

by crabby
1-31-02
He's your exact twin. I'd kill him myself but I'm old and don't have it in me anymore.
I'm really not the killing type.
He killed your mother and he would have gotten me if I wouldn't have used your mother as a shield.
You told me she died of scarlet fever.
I lied! Now kill your brother.
It shall be done. I will kill him.

 

by crabby
2-01-02
Have you ever wanted to seem smarter than you really are? Have you ever wanted to impress your friends with your witty banter? Then you need new kaufman in a rocket.
By using kaufman in a rocket you'll seem smarter, wittier and you'll have an answer for everything. Let's open it up and get a look at it.
Caution using this product may cause you to be less appealing to the opposite sex.

 

by crabby
2-05-02
That bongo is going to ruin what I worked so hard to get!
I wish I never knew any of this. I wish I didn't have this hanging over my head. I have to do something about this.
I'm going to kill you bongo! I'm going to kill you so you can never tell anyone my secret.
What! Curse you LadyJ!
What were you hoping to accomplish by telling this secret.
I thought Wirthling would pay good money to find out who stole his body.

 

by crabby
2-05-02
That widow couldn't handle my 15 inch beef log. It went right through her back killing her instantly! Your gonna have to find a celebrity to fuck they always have ass loads of money to throw around.
I've never had sex and I'm also a virgin. I'll do it because your making me and I have too.
Lisa Kudrow and I'm ready and willing to allow and let you to ass fuck me by shoving your cock in my ass. Then you can take it out and I'll rub and smother pickle brine all over it and lick it clean.
Call me Phoebe!
So you went and screwed the bitch from friends. Give me the details before I make them up myself and jack off while I think about them!
She left this note crammed and shoved up my ass! It says that she buried and hid money for me in the desert.

 

by crabby
2-12-02
December 20th.......9:00 AM
As Mayor of Bensenville I hear by declare this day to be Love Day.
Mr. Mayor with all due respect Christmas is right around the corner why bother trying to introduce a new holiday now?
This is Bensenville dammit! Santa hasn't visited us since we reopened all those Nazi death camps.
Are you talking about the mini golf that your father opened up 23 years ago?
You know damn well that I am! Now Bensenville celebrates love day and not christmas. Anyone found celebrating Christmas will be killed on site!
Your mad! I'm going to make sure Santa comes to Bensenville this year then we can put this love day crap behind us.

 

by crabby
2-12-02
December 20th 9:10 AM
I'm going to talk to Santa. I'm sure I can talk him into returning to Bensenville.
The fat old man is living in the past. He doesn't understand how the world works today.
Now I will introduce you to love day's mascots!
INTRODUCING LOVE BUG AND THE DEMON LOVER

 

by crabby
2-12-02
December 20th 10:25 AM
The love bug stings one person every year and then dies. The lucky one that is stung will love whatever I choose for the rest of their lives.
The Demon Lover is from a world not unlike your own. However, I am unfamiliar with this foolish love you speak of. I unleash my cat on one unsuspecting citizen every year and they fall in love.
Santa you have to return to Bensenville. The mayor has cancelled Christmas and replaced it with a bizarre new holiday called love day.
I will slay him with my own to hands. My magic will overwhelm him from the inside out. His right wing politics are no match for my skills!
But Santa.................
I will return to Bensenville in exactly three days. When I return I shall slay the mayor!

 

by crabby
2-12-02
December 23rd...........10:23 AM
Your gonna die mayor Santa is coming to town!
Prepare to choke on my long winded speech filled with threats of terror and Bensenvilles past!
I feel like I was stung by some sort of bee! You wanna do something some time.
I got cat scratches all over me. Wanna go back to my place?

 

by crabby
2-12-02
December 24th.............1:37 PM
Santa I'm pregnant!
Your freaking huge! How'd you get so big so fast?
I think there are divine sources behind this pregnancy. I'm worried. I think I'm going into labor right now!
Shoot that bad boy out!
December 25th.............12:00 AM
Your father died during the birth but I suppose I'm your mother!
You don't look like a virgin!

 

by crabby
2-24-02

 

by crabby
2-24-02
Why don't you tell us your story.
Here's my story. This bolshoy ded comes up to me trying to cheest my sharries. I was so angry I had him suck my pan-handle. Then I proceeded to oobivat him by wrapping my neezchies around his gorlo.
You say he sucked your pan-handle. Did you return the favor?
I DO NOT SUCK PAN-HANDLE!

 

by crabby
3-04-02

 

by crabby
3-08-02
Sir I'm afraid it's all over the polish power house has failed and it looks as if this Great Depression is immenent.
Damn! This dirty depression has destroyed a man as strong willed as Stan Stasiak? Looks like this problem won't be going away any time soon.
With all due respect Mr. Hoover France is threatening to invade us and those English are still holding that grudge from the revolution.
I always knew those colonists would go and ruin it for the rest of us.
Well Mr. Hoover whats the plan?
Get me the one man who can knip this depression in the bud. GET ME THURIGIN!

 

by crabby
3-08-02
Are you sure it's wise tobring in Thurigin sir? He was the wildest most unpredictable union buster this nation has ever seen.
He also killed Teddy Roosevelt with his bare hands. I'm aware of his credentials and he's the only man who can handle this job!
Meanwhile in France......
Should we begin the invasion on America?
Yes we should. Send over every soldier we have!
Thurigin your country needs you. This depression is getting ready to take the nation by storm and the French are preparing their invasion.
Tell Hoover that Turigin is coming to fix that country something fierce. I'm bringing the pain baby!

 

by crabby
3-08-02
Thurigin you owe me big so you better handle this depression and these Frenchies or else theres going to be hell to pay!
Didn't I do enough by killing Roosevelt and making sure you'd never have to worry about anyone with the name Roosevelt getting in your way ever again?
Your a damn dirty cyborg sent from the future to shot someone code named Reagan. Since I won't let that information out you'll be in debt to me until the day I die!
That day is going to be sooner than you think you dirty black mailer.
A short time later.............
Thurigin you mad man you shoved that nerve tonic so far up my ass that I'm going to bleed to death! America is going to wonder where their president has gone you know.
Not to worry I'll be taking over as president. I'm going to dub myself Franklin Delano Roosevelt. FDR as in Fucking Die Reagan.

 

by crabby
3-08-02
I'm the new president you can call me FDR.
Why do you have metal legs sir?
I've got polio asshole.
Sir, I had no idea. I'll begin work on a vaccine to handle that right away.
Meanwhile the French soldiers land on US soil............
Viva la France!
Viva la France!

 

by crabby
3-08-02
Sir, that vaccine should be ready in another sixty years or so. In the mean time what do you plan to do about this depression?
You dirty gook I've already got some New Deal reforms handleing that dirty depression as we speak.
New Deal reforms in action...........
Burn in hell depression!
Holy shit! I'm going to slowly dissolve into nothingness.
Sir the depression is slowly going away. Now theres just the matter of the invading French.
I'lll handle the French personally.

 

by crabby
3-08-02
New Deal old buddy I left those Frenchies a carton of smokes and a big fat crepe I don't think we'll have to worry about them anymore.
May they burn in hell sir!
VIVA LA SMOKES!
VIVA LA CREPES!
Sir, your fake death worked perfectly no one suspected a thing.
Now to wait and kill Reagan!

 

by crabby
3-08-02
Finally the day has come as soon as this shot is fired Reagan will be killed and I'll self-destruct.
My whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Oh my lord President Reagan has been shot! But it appears he's going to live.
Damn!

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Adrian Zmed was born to a middle class family on Chicago's North side. His father a plumber and his mother a whore he was immediately destined for great things.
Adrian go get job at laundrohut because your father spend all money on ponies.
Hooray, I'm getting a pony!
Mr. Hut I need a job at your laundrohut to pay for pony feed.
Are you prepared to both Wash and Wash? There might be a name change in the far distant future and we want you to be ready for it.
This job is swell! I've made nearly five dollars in three months. I'll be buying pony feed before you can even say Grease 2.
I hope poppa gets home soon. He's been gone for three weeks after him and momma got into that fight about the pony he got me.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Soon Adrian and his father would have a falling out and not speak again for many years.
Son there is no pony! I've been blowing the families money at the race track and now your mothers leaving me for your best friend Ted.
All right! Now me and Ted can have sleep overs every night!
Son your new daddy your old best friend Ted wants to talk to you. We had unprotected sex on our honeymoon and now I'm pregnant.
Can me and Ted play ball mommy?
Look Adrian. We've known eachother for years and I know your stupid so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I shoved my 12 year old cock in your mother and came in her pussy and now shes pregnant
I'm gonna tell my mommy your swearing.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Things remained awful for Adrian until he began taking drama classes at a prestigious Northside Chicago High School.
Adrian your a fantastic acto but to take it to the next level you have to kill your family and sell their bodies to me and I'll make you a star.
Hey I'll do anything to make momma proud.
Adrian did kill his family and that bug didn't lie either he landed Adrian a part in the box office bomb Grease 2.
So when do i get to make out with John Travolta?
I can't work like this.
GREASE LIGHTNING!
This kids gonna be huge in hollywood.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
The movie tanked at the box office and Adrian spent the next fifteen years sleeping with the cheapest of male prostitutes.
I want you to give me a warm jizz shot in my ear to wake me up every morning I got lots of Grease 2 money to throw around.
Yes sir!
10 years later.......
IWould you at least grab my ass for fifty cents?
Yes sir!
15 years later..........
Look you already have all my Grease 2 money. I'm broke how about you let me toss your salad for two bucks?
Yes sir!

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Adrian Zmed is now roaming the streets working for Chicagos most famous pimp the Bishop Don Magic Juan
I love you Don Magic Juan.
Don't forget the bishop baby, I had to sleep with a whole lot a priests to get that title. Now go sell your ass.
Who knowns what the future holds for Adrian Zmed but if it's anything like his past the sky's the limit.
How much to let me cum in your ass and then suck out all the cum?
For an old friend like you, this ones on the house.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Well I broke into his house and he doesn't look much like a killer. Theres just lots of pirate memorablia every where.
This fukers got my fucking colecovision. My dad said he sold it for scrap when he bought me that TI-83 calculator.
Holy fuck, he's home. The time has come for me to rip put his still beating heart and claim his soul for my falling mother. I'm gonna hide in this hamper.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
I smell an intruder. He's reeking of a body that will soon die from strangulation. I can feel his life force fading he's frightened and has never killed before.
He's in the hamper. My father sent him to kill me. What he doesn't know is that I plan on sacrificing myself to Guinesha bofre my father can. I'll never let him get that power.
Father I shall kill the first born twin and then kill myself in the name of Guinesha! You will never feel the might of one million sailors course through your veins.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Hamper brother your time is up.
I do this for the good of the pirate nation. This shall once and for all eliminate all evil from this sector.
I'm sorry brother. What is done is done.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
Father Clause how unexpected.
HARPOON!
What?
That was the warning for the harpoon I just shot you with.
I've fallin battle and now Father Clause has killed the second born twin for his cause. He now was the strength of one million sailors coursing through his veins.

 

by crabby
3-10-02
I've sold my powers to the Sun God and now I retire here for my remaining years.
Unless the Sun God has other plan.

 

by crabby
3-23-02
Why should I let you use the washroom? Go ahead and use it but don't break anything!
Fantastic!
HOLY FUCK MY ASS IS GONNA BLOW!!!!!!!!
Honey I know the man saved you life in NAM' but he just took a monster shit in our bathroom! I called the cops and they said theres nothing they can do for at least 24 hours. I'm going to my mothers!
OH FUCK! I'M SCREWED!

 

by crabby
3-23-02
I have to wake up..........I have to go to work or else my roomates will be dissapointed in me..........I'm going to let everyone down......
I feel awful....But that's no reason to skip work...........What would Bill think......He'd call me a slacker and ask for a doctors note........Thats it I'm going to turn on the lights and going!
This is just great! I wasn't a bug yesterday.

 

by crabby
3-23-02
I got some clients out here that wanna meet you. They heard from some Japanese buisness men that your the best lay in town.
How do I explain this? How do I let down customers with my new hideous body. I'll never be sexually pleasing to the eye as long as I look like this.
Bro, you awake? These people demand satisfaction!
I have to act normal or else they'll all know that something is wrong.
II'm gonna kick this door down and see whats going on. I can't leave Mr. Nagasaki waiting for some two bit man whore.
SHIT!

 

by crabby
3-23-02
Holy fuck you're a dirty little bug!
I didn't mean for this to happen I swear! I awoke this morning and I was a bug.
What the fuck you don't sound like a person anymore, I just hear bug noises. Stay away from Mr. Nagasaki and I'll bring you something rotten to eat.
He can't even understand me anymore how do I explain all of this?
Here you can eat this guy no one will miss him.
I'm a walking joke! But the joke is no one knows or cares who I am! Isn't that fantastic?
I better eat this sad fuck fast.

 

by crabby
3-23-02
He's going to kill me! No one wants bug ass. I'm a dead man!
I'm going to have to kill you! No one wants to fuck a bugs ass so your going to have to die!
Great, now I'm going to die. I wonder how he's going to do it?
I'm going to kill you in the most annyoing way ever created by man.
He's planning on stepping on me two days before my retirement? Or perhaps he has something much worse planned!

 

by crabby
3-23-02
PULL!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by crabby
3-25-02
I pissed in your beer!

 

by crabby
3-27-02
Waiter! Waiter!
Can I help you ma'am?
My 7-Up tastes like water.
That is water ma'am.
I ordered a Diet Coke!
I've failed the customer yet again!

 

by crabby
3-27-02

 

by crabby
3-27-02
Hi there buddy!
I'll kill you with my own two hands and no one will ever find your body.

 

by crabby
3-27-02
Dude you read way to many magazines.
Your the guy who's been stalking me in my dreams!
I didn't think you would ever find out about that.
Well what do you have to say for yourself?
moh!
God I hate you!

 

by crabby
3-27-02
You got a license for that hat?
Not gonna answer huh? You got alot of balls.
I'm gonna piss on your grave Christopher Walken style!

 

by crabby
3-27-02
I'm an OX!
I'm drawn rather bulky but it's all good.
I'm not wearing pants.
I noticed and I loved it. Mind if I make love to you?

 

by crabby
3-27-02
The next day..............
rating to have second thoughts about what happened yesterday.
Yeah I'm having second thoughts too.
I didn't think it was rough enough!
Neither did I lover!

 

by crabby
3-28-02
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!!!!!!

Showing page 7.

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