All comics by kane2742

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by kane2742
1-14-08
How were your grades for last semester? Did you raise your English grade?
Yeah. I just had to do some "extra credit."
You know, an "oral report."
You traded sexual favors for a better grade?
No, pervert! I gave a presentation in front of the class for bonus points.

 

by kane2742
1-14-08
Movies come in so many versions these days: special editions, director's cuts, the TV edit...
Yeah. Some versions are so different, they're practically not even the same movie.
It makes me wonder what movies will be like in the future.
Welcome to Movie King. Can I take your order?
I'll have the Return of the Jedi special to go. Extra Leia in a bikini, hold the Ewoks.

 

by kane2742
1-14-08
It's so hard to find a good man.
You're right. The only good, single man I know is James.
Too bad he's gay.
Yeah, I know. I feel like Eve.
How so?
I'm tempted by the forbidden fruit.

 

by kane2742
1-15-08
Scarface
"Say 'hello' to my little friend!"
"Little" is right.
Planet of the Apes
"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"
Caddyshack
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greens- keeper… It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!!"

 

by kane2742
1-15-08
It looks like this year's presidential election is all about race, sex, and religion.
Yeah. People make a big deal out of Obama being black, Hillary being a woman, and Romney being a Mormon.
I don't even really know what Mormons believe.
I read that they believe Jesus' second coming will be in Missouri.
What kind of omnipotent god chooses to rule from the Ozarks?
The same God who talks to George Bush?

 

by kane2742
1-15-08
There sure are some crappy choices for President.
Yeah. Looks like we get to choose the lesser of two evils again.
Maybe not "evils." More like the smaller of two steaming piles of dog shit.
Correction: one pile of elephant shit and one pile of donkey shit.

 

by kane2742
1-15-08
Sigma Tau Delta is inducting new members soon.
That English honors society you're in?
Yeah. We're putting an article in the school paper about the induction.
The headline: "STD Spreading Across Campus."

 

by kane2742
1-16-08
There are too many people still in the Presidential race. I can't keep them all straight.
At least the top Dems are easy to distinguish: a white woman, a black man, and a white man.
Yeah. With the Republicans, it's middle aged white guy, old white guy 1, old white guy 2...
...white guy with weird religion 1, white guy with weird religion 2....

 

by kane2742
1-16-08
Who are all these Internet meme people? Like Star Wars kid...
What a dork.
...Chris Crocker...
What an annoying drama queen.
...and the goatse.cx guy?
What a giant asshole.

 

by kane2742
1-16-08
You only have one class today, right? What do you do all day?
Some homework. And I have to clean the shit out of my drawers.
What!?
I mean, my dresser drawers. And not literal shit.
Oh.
Unless my roommate decides to play another prank.

 

by kane2742
1-16-08
You'll be graduating in a few months, right?
Yep.
Out into the real world with a real job. What's your major again?
English.
Oh. Well, out into the real world at least.

 

Jesus Christ...
Superstar!
by kane2742, 1-17-08

 

by kane2742
1-17-08
How are your classes going so far?
Pretty good, except that I get kind of sleepy after getting up early for my 8 am class.
That leads to some weird daydreams in my Sensation & Perception class.
Greetings earthling. I am Zonule of Zinn.

 

by kane2742
1-17-08
I read in the paper that some people in Texas claim they saw a UFO.
Right. Something came from the stars to tell us all sorts of secret wisdom. Pfft.
Anyway, are you done with that paper now? I want to check my horoscope.

 

by kane2742
1-17-08
Tyrone, have you ever seen Boyz n the Hood?
When I went to see it with my son, I experienced a good example of my eyes adjusting to light like we're discussing.
It was a bright day, so when I went in the dark theater, I couldn't see anyone else.
Then, once my eyes adjusted, I realized why it was so hard to see everyone...
My son and I were the only white people there!

 

by kane2742
1-18-08
I'm going to see if Student Allocations will give us some funds for the College Democrats.
We can just get free money without working for it?
Well, we are the Democrats.

 

by kane2742
1-18-08
And what does your daddy do for a living, Ling?
He works for erection commission.
Oh, the election commission. That means he helps run voting, class.
No, he sells Viagra for a percentage of the profits, you racist bitch!

 

by kane2742
1-18-08
Since your name's Kane, you must like wrestling, right?
No, why?
There's a wrestler named Kane, so I figured you must like him.
So what does your name say about you...
...Dick?

 

by kane2742
1-19-08
Re: Rabid_Weasle/419415/
Did you know that Rabid_Weasle and I are tag-team wrestlers?
O RLY?
Yeah. And outside of the ring, we're lovers.
O RLY?
After we win matches, he celebrates by pleasuring me.
ORALLY?

 

by kane2742
1-19-08
What's that weird meat the Commons had for lunch today?
I don't know. I didn't eat it.
It looked like high-end dog food.
Does the "high- end" part really matter?

 

by kane2742
1-19-08
Ever since my ex and I split up, I've been doing thing to annoy her.
So before you two dated, you were mature, now that you've broken up, you're immature...
...and in between, you were premature.

 

by kane2742
1-20-08
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced recently...
...that he wants to "amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards."
He also promises, if elected, to fight religious extremists who would impose Sharia on whole countries.

 

Mick Huckabee announced that he wants to amend the Constitution to reflect the laws of the Bible.
He's got my vote!
by kane2742, 1-20-08

 

by kane2742
1-20-08
You want to go to a strip club with me?
Not really.
Why not?
I don't like to activate the launch sequence unless the missile can leave the silo.

 

by kane2742
1-21-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night.
I think-- I think it was... an angel.
That's ridiculous.
It must have been aliens.

 

by kane2742
1-21-08
Have you been reading my comics lately?
No. I have to be careful around comic strips.
Why's that?
I'm allergic to Peanuts.

 

by kane2742
1-21-08
I got a letter from one of my friends studying abroad in Spain.
How's he doing?
Pretty well. He says that it's a lot warmer there. He even goes to the beach sometimes.
Oh. I don't like Spanish beaches.
Playa hater.

 

by kane2742
1-21-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night.
Aliens. In a flyin' saucer. They even stopped here for a bit.
Why would aliens land in rural Texas?
It was just a pit stop on the way to the Democratic debates.
And why would they be interested in that?
I heard 'em say somethin' about "universal health care."

 

by kane2742
1-22-08
I'm kind of conflicted. I don't know what to do about a decision I have to make.
Just listen to your heart and do what it tells you.
*THUMP THUMP*
Okay, now what?

 

by kane2742
1-22-08
I had to babysit my younger cousin last night.
How'd that go?
You ever shake a kid and they start crying?
Uh...
Turns out, if you keep shaking, they'll stop crying eventually.

 

by kane2742
1-22-08
Have you heard about how Cookie Monster eats healthier now?
Yeah. That's kind of old news by now.
It was supposed to make him a better role model, but due to bad reactions, now he's going the other direction.
What do you mean?
See for yourself.
♫ "N" is for Nookie, that's good enough for me! ♫

 

by kane2742
1-23-08
I saw some funny pictures online about bad parents; one kid's taped to a wall, another has a beer, etc.
Oh, yeah. I've seen those. Did you like the one of the baby in a microwave?
I thought that one was kind of cruel and disturbing.
Not as much as the "after" photo.

 

by kane2742
1-23-08
I wish this writers' strike would get resolved so that my favorite shows would be on again.
Me, too. I'm thinking about having my own cable access show.
About what?
Chicago-area politics and comic books. I'm going to host it dressed as the black Green Lantern.
What will you call it?
The Daley Show with John Stewart

 

by kane2742
1-23-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night.
Aliens. They gave me special powers.
Yeah? What kind of "special powers"?
I can see through people's clothes.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Oh yeah, Mister Pink Frilly Underdrawers?

 

by kane2742
1-24-08
You want some of the brownies I made with my secret ingredient?
No, thanks.
Is it because you're not into the "secret ingredient"?
Yeah.
I thought everyone liked caramel.

 

by kane2742
1-24-08
I'm tired of people saying that you can't be moral without religion.
Morality comes from the Bible.
No, it doesn't. I don't believe in the Bible and I behave morally; I've never killed, stolen, beat up anybody...
Yeah, but that's just because you think that you'll get punished if you do those things.

 

by kane2742
1-24-08
Time for my shift to be done.
Time to go shiv someone.
I wish I didn't have so many files.
I wish someone would slip me a file.
It's almost time for your meeting with the chair.
It's almost time for your meeting with the chair.

 

by kane2742
1-25-08
Can you believe it's been a whole month since Christmas?
I know. My little sister just recently found some of the presents my parents had hidden in the attic.
They weren't even from last year. They'd been there since about five years ago.
You should have seen the look on her face when she got that puppy.

 

by kane2742
1-25-08
I come to **** Caesar, not to praise him.
I am not a ****!
...we shall **** on the beaches, we shall **** on the landing grounds, we shall **** in the fields and in the streets, we shall **** in the hills...

 

by kane2742
1-25-08
How's your Western Civ class going?
I think I'm going to fail it because I sleep through class.
That's funny; sleeping my way through classes is how I get "A"s.

 

by kane2742
1-26-08
Now that you're 21, will you buy me beer?
I don't believe in doing that kind of thing.
Breaking the law?
Doing stuff for people.

 

Can I borrow a condom or two?
"Borrow"? I'm pretty sure I'm not going to want them back.
by kane2742, 1-26-08

 

by kane2742
1-26-08
They just opened a Super Wal-Mart around here. It has a pharmacy, pet store, groceries...
I hate Wal-Mart, but I like to mess with the cashiers, like yesterday when my sister had me pick her up something.
What did you do?
I bought the biggest packages I could find of condoms, rubber gloves, and K-Y Jelly...
...and took it all to the checkout with my sister's gerbil.

 

by kane2742
1-27-08
I saw some new graffiti in the bathroom at work today: a new twist on an old classic.
What did it say?
"Here I stand, broken-hearted..."
"...pulled up my pants, sneezed, and sharted."

 

by kane2742
1-27-08
How was your weekend?
All right, except for when I almost threw up from having too many mixed drinks.
How much did you drink?
One glass.
One?!
Yeah. Apparently, every kind of soda, juice, coffee, and hot cocoa blended together tastes like garbage water.

 

by kane2742
1-27-08
Have you been bookmarking porn on my computer?
No.
Care to explain "Old Grandma Hardcore"?
That's actually a blog by an old woman who's into hardcore gaming.
Phew. I thought you were into some weird stuff. Looks like I was wrong.
I guess she didn't find the Asian she- male favorites yet.

 

by kane2742
1-28-08
Have you ever heard of Rocky Mountain Oysters?
Yeah. Bull testicles, right?
Yeah. I can't believe people eat those. It sounds so gross.
Yeah.
Still, I wonder what they taste like.
My guess is that they'd taste like nuts.

 

by kane2742
1-28-08
How about this weather? First it snows, then it rains and all the snow melts.
I know...
...I haven't seen that much white powder disappear so fast since I went clubbing with Lindsay Lohan.

 

by kane2742
1-28-08
I tried wooing a girl by singing a song to her again.
Let me guess: It went badly?
Yeah. I don't get it. If she sang that song to me, I'd think it was sexy, but she pulled out the pepper spray.
What song did you sing?
"I Touch Myself."

 

by kane2742
1-29-08
Bush gave his last State of the Union address last night.
I know; I was excited.
About what he said?
That it was his last.

Showing page 7.

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