All comics by AccentuateNegative

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Have you seen Brokeback Mountain yet?
No, I'm going to see it on Christmas Eve.
Why then? It's not like religious people are packing the theatre to see that movie on other nights.
I'm doing it out of some perverted sense of irony.
Oh cum all ye faithful.
Cum let us adore him!

 

Whenever I don't give my family a comprehensive Christmas wish list, they go out of their way to get me things I don't want...like cologne.
What's wrong with cologne for Christmas?
Let me put this another way...
Merry Christmas... you stink.

 

You're looking really good, by the way.
Thanks.
Are you working out?
I'm not eating.
Hot.

 

The gay agenda is an attack on our country's Christian values, but we will fight back and win.
If someone slaps you, aren't you supposed to turn the other cheek?
Does everything have to be about the butt with you people?

 

Brokeback Mountain is so unrealistic.
You of all people should know that it's possible for men to be both masculine and gay.
I've just never seen gay cowboys wearing pants under their chaps.
You've also never seen a gay cowboy outside of a pride parade.

 

Dear Fag, Why do gay men excel in creative endeavors?
Dear Roy G. Biv, It's easy for us to think outside the box...
...since we're not thinking about getting inside the box.

 

I have your results right here.
YOU HAVE H.I.V.!
Did you have to shout it so loudly?
You've got to accentuate the positive.

 

I'm so happy we found each other.
He knows I'm cheating on him.
I should divorce her.
Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing.
That's why we must keep if from the gays.
Yes, they'd ruin it.

 

Before we go any further, I should tell you I'm straight.
What does that mean?
You can blow me, but I won't do anything back.

 

How come you never enrolled in college like you said you would?
I've decided I'm going to sleep my way to the top.
Ssssh...He's right behind you.

 

I hate ragtime.
I never listen to it.
You would have to if you weren't gay.
Your wife makes you listen to it?
Every 28 days.

 

Last night I had a dream that I could suck my own dick.
I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
It probably means you owe an awful lot of guys apologies.

 

So how come you aren't dating anyone?
I don't know.
Wait...maybe it's because like all men--especially gays-- I place too much value on physical attraction and not enough on character and personality.
Maybe I should start getting to know people first before deciding they're not my type based solely on a quick assessment of their body and face. Then again, I can do better than some ugly guy...
What happened?
I just had a near-depth experience.

 

I hate those eHarmony commercials.
Too sickeningly sweet, huh?
That, and while they claim to know everything about compatability, they don't offer matches for same sex couples.
So you visit internet dating sites?
Can we forget I made this comic?

 

You say you can tell if a guy is gay just by looking at him.
Pretty much.
How?
If a guy's shirt is too tight because he went down a size he's gay.
If it's too tight because he needs to go up a size, he's straight.

 

I met a great guy the other night.
He's totally hot and I want to see him again, but now I'm stuck in that don't-call-him- for-three-days purgatory.
Whomever came up with that rule must not have had anything to do with the rules against masturbation.

 

I wish I didn't have to be at work.
You obviously want me to ask why.
The playoffs are on. How come you aren't home watching the game?
Oh, I'm not much of a professional footbal fan.
What are you? Some kind of...
Yes.

 

Remember how the word "queer" used to mean odd?
Then it was a gay slur, but now it's our word and you can't use it anymore.
We also took rainbows from you.
Thanks to Brokeback Mountain, it won't be long before everyone assumes all cowboys are all gay, gay, gay.
Give us equal rights or we're going after puppies.

 

Son, I think things between us would have been better if you would have turned out different.
You mean straight?
No, the kind of gay son who would enjoy shopping with me.

 

Hey, cutie--want your dick sucked?
Yes.
I live around the corner.
Oh, sorry--not from you.
You'll love it. I've been sucking dick my whole life.
Look, it's called a blowjob, not a blowcareer.

 

What's your most deepest-darkest secret?
There's no way I'm telling you that.
Okay, when did you first know that you're gay?
Oh crap...It's the same memory...
Enterprise...we have captured your captain, stripped his shirt off, and bound him in leather straps.
Time to get under the covers.

 

How are things going with that new guy?
Looks like we might not break the two-date barrier.
I thought you two hit it off?
Yeah, that's why I can't figure out why he's not calling me back.
There used to be a time when someone begging you to cum on them meant something.

 

I don't know how you can look at another man or his ass and find love.
How long have you been married?
Forty years.
I'll bet before she lost her estrogen she looked like a woman and didn't have a front-butt.

 

I had a nice time, but I just don't think it will work out.
Why not?
I don't think we're compatible.
I do.
See, already we disagree.

 

I just don't think I'm the right guy for you.
How do you know what's right for me?
Let me put it another way...
I don't think you're the right guy for me.

 

This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the gay agenda.
Are you sure you want to do that?
My parishoners must know about the gay agenda.
Well, I was at the last gay meeting.
We could only agree on one thing, and I'm not sure it's polite to talk about it in church.

 

I think you're hot, and you're totally my type.
Tell me why you won't go out with me.
I don't think our personalities click.
What difference does that make?

 

And the award for Best Actress in a Leading Role goes to...
Jake Gyllenhaal!

 

Are you dating anyone?
No.
So you're free?
Yup.
Wanna go back to my place?
I said free not, cheap.

 

Hey, why do you look so beat?
The man's keeping me down.
Wait, I thought you were into that.

 

What do you like most about me?
You've got a lot of spunk.
Tissue, please.

 

My boss is taking me to dinner, and she wants me to pick where.
What's the occasion?
She's introducing me to her new girlfriend.
What's the right kind of restaurant for that?
Truck stop?

 

I wish you wouldn't make fun of my lesbian friends.
Why do I always have to be the straight man?
Just look at you.

 

I need to borrow some money.
Why?
My boss left town for a week without paying me and I have no food.
What if I say no?
Are you calling me fat?

 

How much do you need?
What do you want?
Are you a cop? If you're a cop, you have to tell me.

 

I talked to Dominique today.
How's she doing?
She's getting fat.
She should start throwing up.
She's pregnant.
She should throw up for two.

 

I work out four days a week and I jog on alternate days.
It certainly shows.
Gotta stay healthy.
It's important.
So, stranger... Wanna go back to my place and bareback me?

 

Gays are wicked sinners, worthy of death for their vile, depraved, unnatural sex practices.
Does it bother you that I hold this opinion?
It might if you were attractive.

 

I'm tired of you bossing me around and treating me like your personal servant.
Are you going to stop being so demanding and start treating me like an equal?
Well?
It puts the tonic in the gin or else it gets the hose again.

 

WOW! Look at Horford slam it in! He really exploded!
I'm surprised UCLA hasn't been able to control the ball more--they're excellent ball handlers.
It really would be exciting to see them come from behind.
I think I just double-dribbled.

 

The producers have put us together in this bedroom.
God, this guy is hideous.
I'll just look in the other direction and hope he doesn't stick his dick in my ass.
It's no fun if you're expecting it.

 

I'm surprised they didn't make you room with Tobor.
They can't--I've never made a Tobor comic.
You don't have to.
Yeah, I don't need to rely on Stripcreator inside jokes--I'm funnier than that.
No, I meant all your comics are already about cornholing.

 

What would I see if you lifted that kilt?
I have Boorite on my balls.
Who doesn't?

 

I'm just appearing on this series so I can promote my acting career and kiss my filing clerk job goodbye.
What kind of an actor are you?
Lately, I've been typecast in gay roles.
So you're a gay?
No, I just act that way.
I noticed.

 

You and I can make it to the final two if we form an alliance.
What's our next move?
How about a little head?
Sounds good to me.
Gabe told me you suck.

 

Everyone's driving me crazy in here. I gotta get out.
So far, it's been nothing but weirdos.
Maybe I ought to blow this place sky high.
Legumes are a good source of fiber.

 

I did it. The other cast members couldn't handle my faggoty ways, so I blew up the Stripcreator Inside-Joke World house.
It was a simple matter of getting rotor turbines to generate gravitons by themselves.
Ho!
Moh!

 

I'm doing a 50-mile charity bike ride tomorrow.
What charity?
Ride 4 AIDS.
I wouldn't want to cross the finish line if that's the prize.

 

Interested?
No.
Why not?
I think there's more to you than meets the eye.
What you see is what you get.
Unless it's microscopic and lives in your blood.

 

I'm pretty much a vegetarian now.
You eat meat all the time.
Yeah, but I don't swallow it.

Showing page 8.

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