All comics by ArtemisStrong

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by ArtemisStrong
5-17-07
So how did it go at the arca- Holy Shit! What happened to you?
It was one of those fucking lesbian arcades. Bitch fucked my face up pretty good.
"And, dude, my fuckin' dick is killing me!"
I'M VOMITTING BLOOD!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-17-07
Uhm, Professor Frasier? I gotta problem... And I'm only coming to you because I respect you as a teacher...
What is it, Maura?
There's been a guy following me around town... and he's got this problem... and I think he's really stalking me...
Alright! Did you hear that Schmecky?! This might be our chance!
Uhm-- Huh?
I'm here to help. Do you want me to beat him up for you?

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-17-07
Well, hello there!
Fuck!
So, uhm... Your ass... no... It's a nice day out and I thought we could... exchange... Do you wanna kiss me?
Fuck!
This isn't working. Yah?... Yah... Y'know, following her home DOES sound like a good idea-- What?! Oh.
Fuck!

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-10-07
Why did 6 fear 7?
I don't know why did 6 fear 7?
Because 7 8 9!
Ha!
I got that off of a popsicle stick.
I can tell.

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-21-07

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-03-08
Okay I can smell it now, yah.
Yah, maybe that IS why she walked out on you.

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-27-08
Bacon?
Yes, sir?
No, no, no... Eggs. It should be eggs.
Sounds like a charming proposal.
So you'll fuck a pile of eggs while I masturbate, agreed?
Whatever it takes to get off this island.

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-27-08
I'd totally FUCK that fence. FUCK the SHIT out of it, man.

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-27-08
Okay, your gonna pull up to that building out there and ask the man on the corner if he knows the time.
VROOM VROOM! SQUEEEEE! Excuse me sir do you know the time?
BANG BANG! I SHOT HIM! HIT THE GAS!
SCREEEEEEEEE! Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me. please don't kill me, please, please, please.
You're taking me to the Mexican border. I'll dump you off there, let the coyotes have their way with you. NOW MOVE IT!
Oh dear God. WHEEEEEREEEREEEEEEER!!!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
5-27-08
Oh... h-hey Jesus... Nice to uhh, see you around...
Hey what's up? Like I totally found this place by accident! So you come here a lot, it's cool, it's cool, we should start coming here together, make it like a thing we do.
This is an abandoned house I'm investigating for the city.
Right right! Oh it is? Oh wow? You sure? Woow, so like this is your job. Nice, nice. Let's like.... I'll wait outside, we can like hang afterward. Beer, maybe?
... Uh...
No, it's cool if your busy, yeah. No I really don't have any money for beer anyway. I'd have to bum offa you-- Unless that's what you want to do... no, okay... Well, lemme leave you my AIM...

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-14-08
I told you not to-
I KNOW I KNOW! "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PULLED THE PIN ON THE ANTIQUE GRENADE"!
Just as long as we're on the same page.

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-18-08
ooo this fart will be totally awesome! I can feel its warm bubbliness just building up inside me ready to explode! it's warm and squishy and sloshy! I can't effin' wait!
NNNNNNNNNNNN!
shlrrrrrrrrr-p!
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... . I think I just pooped myself.

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-18-08
So you like it sloppy?
BOK-BU-BU-BAK-BAK! BAAAAAAAK!

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-19-08
We're gonna go FUCK up Santa Claus!
Shit Yeah! That is, if by "FUCK up" you mean "hog-tie then brutally murder" then I'm all onboard.
No, I meant FUCK up... pump him full of drugs, and then pump him full of our semen.
Aw man, c'mon. I aint doing that. That's just too whatever, y'know.
This is why we never do anything.

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-19-08
C'mon, C'mon!
SHIT!

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-20-08
What the?
Hey, world's ending, I though "Why the hell not?"
Well, I didn't say you had to take your finger out.

 

by ArtemisStrong
6-25-08
... and that's how you oil and prime a pump action rifle, got it?
Uhm, yah, sort of. Can we run through it just one more time?
GODAMMIT EDDIE!
Don't you know I hate having to repeat myself?!

 

by ArtemisStrong
7-05-08
So, what do you think?
I'm not renting this place.
Did I mention it's a great place to keep kidnapees tied-up far from prying eyes?
I said I'm not renting this place...
I'm buying it!

 

by ArtemisStrong
7-11-08
How's everything coming for the Inter-faith Bakeoff?
Great! The Mohammed Muffins are being iced, my Buddha Bagels are cooling off, and the Moses Cake is all set. One more thing- Can you check on the Jesus Bread in the oven, tell me how it's doing?
Christ has risen.
Hey, there's no room for zealotry here, got it?

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-03-08
You can't keep on wearing that at work, George. Halloween was like five days ago.
I VANT to suck YOUR BLAHD!
I'm telling you, George... Seriously.
Dey Cheeldren uv dee night. Dey make such b-yoo-teefull moosic!
George... Don't make me kick you in the tater tots.
Fine! Fine! You're obviously the real vampire here... The Vampire of FUN!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-24-08
>Yaawwwwn< ----O-boy... 'kay... ihhh... Rarr. Tobor something-something.
C'mon, man, get with it! Let's have some fun, already!
I am having fun. Sleepy fun. I'm going back to bed...
But you promised we'd go bowling!
YOU PROMISED!
I'm Wolf Blitzer! HAPPENING NOWWW! The Obama transition team says it's official-Tiki-man will not, I repeat, WILL NOT be going bowling today! Let's go to Jack Cafferty with the Cafferty File. Jack?

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-04-09
Sooooo...
I'm still not giving you a peanut butter handjob.
AKWARD!

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-04-09
Getting menstruated on in an Indonesian village? I must be dreaming!
No, it's real.

 

Sorry I have to cut things short... er, I mean, I just have a small thing I need to- oh my... That is, a little commitment I have... oh jeez... You see, I have to take care of a tiny probl- SHIT!
Dude. I'm black, not a midget.
by ArtemisStrong, 3-27-09

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-29-09
...so then we decided to try slathering it in maple syrup and wouldn't you know it, it worked like a charm!
Did you just sneak out a fart?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-06-09
Abe LIKES.

 

Do you like what I've done with the place?
by ArtemisStrong, 4-07-09

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-26-09
Welcome aboard the Ministry of Defence mister, er, Zorg. Turn up at the security desk monday and we'll get you your uniform.
Any questions?
By uniform... you mean jumpsuit made of human flesh?

 

by ArtemisStrong
4-27-09
Dear fellow students, faculty, and parents of Apocalypse High: It is my immense pleasure to be delivering the valec-
valee- valunk-... vadic-... Vladicdictorian... Vacklickdelorian...
-the best speech. Anyhoo, let me "rant", if I may, for a few secs about the new Star Trek trailer, then we can have irradiated hot dogs and toxic Lean Cuisines in the fallout shelter.

 

by ArtemisStrong
7-02-09
... or as my dad always said, "Why go out for steak when you got the cow at home!"
My dad always said that too-
-tho, we lived on a ranch, so it had a slightly different meaning I think.

 

If you've got more poles than holes-
- it's a gangbang!
by ArtemisStrong, 8-11-09

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-16-09
No, Sparky! Bad! Bad boy!

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-16-09
lusitainia... sharon... kanye....lusitainia... sharon... kanye....lusitainia... sharon... kanye....lusitainia... lusitainia... sharon... kanye....sharon... kanye....
WHAT IS WRONG, FLESH-POD!
Oh... I... I am torn. I can't decide what I want to develop a masturbatory fantasy around. It's either Kanye West, that actress Sharon, or the Lusitania... but I can't ch-ch-choose!
YOU SILLY HUMAN! STOP MAKING IT SO HARD!
I know, I know... It's really just pick one: Dick... Tate... or ship...
NO! I MEAN, DONT CHOOSE! JUST JERK OFF TO ALL OF THEM!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-07-09
Alright, Doc, I'm ready for my penis enlargement!
Are you quite sure? This is a procedure you yourself made up last night on a whim. And, again, I must remind you I'm your Coldwell Banker rep, not a surgeon.
Go for it, man. I want a huge dick! This "Cocktal Biggerectomy" is flawless!
Alright... Through the cheeks, up the anal cavity, watch out Erectile Tissue, here we come!
9 months later...
Man... That was such a crazy day!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-21-09
So I am supposed to chop your penis off?
That's what my wife said!
Do you just do whatever your wife says?
I gotta get laid somehow!
I love your new bulge-less, dick-less crotch! It's so much more subtle and nuanced, not all in-your-face! Let's fuck!
Can't we just start a crochet club and call it a night?

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-22-09
Oh My GOD! HE's Dead!
How'm I gonna order my Baconator © now?

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-25-09
That should take care of the porn!
Ennhhh!
And grandma!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-31-09
Can I get a "Heyyyyy!"?
Where ARE we, Captain?
Look around, Ensign!
OH DEAR G--- GYAYARRGGH!
Oh come on, Ensign. Planet Goatse is beautiful this time of year!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-02-09
If we wish hard enough, Baco, we can make a comic contest everyone will enjoy!
RRRR!!! Let's make fun of someone nobody knows or gives 2 shits about!!!
B-but...
IT'S GENIUS!
Okay... Uhm... Joseph Rechen-stinky?
DIRTIER! COCK FUCKENSHITTER!!!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-02-09
They cancelled King of the Hill for this cancer-ridden flesh pocket filled with shit and covered with santorum?

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-06-09
Sir! I've discovered that thing you humans call "emotion"!
Gooood, goooooooood!
Why is it that I cry whenever I think of my father now?
I dunno.... how do you think of him?
Naked.

 

I found a jacket laying on the ground today. There was a pig and a jewish religous leader standing nearby, and I knew it MUST be one of theirs.
Well? Which was it -- a coat of ham or rabbi?
by ArtemisStrong, 11-11-09

 

It was so sad to see those two argue so passionately over who is worse: Al Roker or Al Michaels...
Yes. It's always tough to witness a battle of Al jeers.
by ArtemisStrong, 11-11-09

 

by ArtemisStrong
7-27-10
BLAH! I am Vlad, und I vont to suck your blud!
Sorry, can you repeat that? I can barely understand you.
I sayid Zat Zime Voolahd, undth hai vongt dew sawk yurragh bahlood!
Still not getting it.
Vygh hagng gVlarght Ngh thai lork bunkckle tehluch teyooo bagggleeeiud!
If you don't like this country, then go back to Africa!

 

by ArtemisStrong
8-16-10
... And you're saying I made all of this?
Wikipedia says that, yes, in certain religous faiths God, or Jehovah, formed all of creation.
Neat.
What are you doing now?
I'm editing it to say that God also has egg and mustard in his beard. Can I cite you as a source?

 

by ArtemisStrong
8-16-10

 

by ArtemisStrong
8-30-10
Well, it appears Biped finally admitted to all his friends and family that he was a coprophiliac.
It's good to hear he finally came out of the water closet.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAR HAR HAR HAR HEE
-ahem- Yeah... So... Apparently he does roll his dick around in warm shit.
He told me it "gives it that special flavor."

 

by ArtemisStrong
8-30-10
"Did you mean NUDE Kathy Bates photos?" Hmmm. I guess I did.
>click<
Oh. Oh my. Penis, I am so sorry for letting Google© hijack my browsing. I am so sorry Penis. Penis?
"Penis?"
Moh.

 

by ArtemisStrong
9-01-10
Y'know, I have to admit... at mom's funeral you really creeped me out. You showed absolutely no emotion at all!
Yeah, well... I was laughing on the inside.

 

by ArtemisStrong
3-15-11
A room unfinished, metal studs exposed
and the sub-floor, too a plane of concrete glossy with a fresh coat of sealant fine dust and flakes of sawdust settled in an array of ant-sized dunes, piled high along the edges of things.
They come in here to smoke, brooms and pans and keys clipped to belt loops 2-ways turned down to almost-mute identical polos and faded blue work pants shuffling in the cool shadows of this unlit room
Broken by a bleached-golden plank of summer sun, charcoal tones of the incomplete room bisected by this swath of yellow the two criss-cross at varying intervals,
paths pulling together in lazy increments metered by exhales/inhales, drawing the pair together for a nervous kiss,
their lips meeting where the dust-glinted light meets the ensanguined dark, where cigarettes’ cherries touch briefly and spark,
as the couple’s hands first come together, interlace, and then part.

Showing page 8.

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