All comics by Zimri

 

Why its a negro don't'cha know!
I GON' KEEL YOU!
by Zimri, 5-24-06

 

by Zimri
5-24-06
...do you know what I mean?
I can dig it.
Ok, Shaft.
That's actually my nickname with people I fuck...
...because of my penis.

 

by Zimri
5-24-06
You sure were drunk last night.
Only me? I remember you having your fair share, too.
...I didn't puke all over the inside of my dad's van.
So I threw up a little!
"A little?!" You were at it for twenty minutes!
...well, anything worth doing is worth doing right.

 

by Zimri
6-01-06
Philly beer sucks.
Bite me, you tofu eating California motherfucker.
I don't eat tofu. I tried it once and it made me sick.
...you're still a motherfucker.
Yeah, YOUR mother.
God, I did NOT see that coming!

 

by Zimri
6-01-06
I'm strictly a beer and shot guy.
When I go out, I drink beer or cocktails...
When I eat out, its strictly wine.
When I eat out I get this cramp in my neck for the first couple minutes but after that I'm good.
ERP!

 

by Zimri
6-01-06
Hey, I like tofu.
I knew it! FAG! Not because you're gay, but because you're from California.
I'd rather fuck a sun tanned California guy than a cheese steak eating Pennsylvania booze hound like you.
The only PA I want in my bed is a "Prince Albert."
ERP!

 

by Zimri
6-01-06
The girl at Wawa today sold me the wrong cigarettes, and I was too hung over to notice.
Wawa is a Pennsylvania convenience store.
Apparantly the English words "Pall Mall" translates to "Virginia Slims" in Stupid Whore Bitch.

 

by Zimri
6-04-06
Can I have the beef tamale, the chorizo enchilada and a chicken chimichanga?
Sure.
What the fuck did I just order?

 

by Zimri
6-05-06
Dude, did you bang Allison?
Yeah.
Blech! She's so FAT!
We all fuck a fat chick from time to time...
...I call her "mom."

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
I'm working for Senator Santorum.
I don't like him.
Why?
He's a Republican, he's conservative, his controversial statement about homosexuality, the corruption scandal...
Plus, he's Italian.
He is!?

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
SAY! Uh, you don't smell like a black chick.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
This place is a bit of a dive.
No, its actually very classy.
See that transvestite sipping a lime rickey over in the corner?
Yes.
Total gentleman.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
This bar truly is dark.
Yes, it represents the sinister cavern of despair welling up in our souls!
You want another Tom Collins?
Would it kill them to put an umbrella in it?!

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
Dude, that chick at the bar TOTALLY wants me!
She's seizuring and gnawing on the bar stools!
I know, just my type.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
So...
...
No, I don't have a large penis.
Crap!
I think the transvestite swilling a Cosmopolitan by the jukebox does, though.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
Sir! Please don't do it!
I have no choice!
Noooo
I meant don't walk through the non-smoking section with a lit cigarette.
Ah.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
Maybe you should take it easy. You have a job interview tomorrow.
You expect me to face that sober?!
What kind of job is it?
Deli clerk.
Better have another.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
I just realized I've been standing in a puddle of your vomit for an hour.
Want to go home and make a man out of me?

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
You going to see the new Will Smith movie?
I'd rather gargle my own diarrhea.
That's sick...
So is the amount of nudity in "I, Robot."

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
Are we drunk enough to kiss yet?
No.

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
If you really want to go home with me, you'll put on some romantic music.
Will do!
You put on "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter.
"If my stuff ain´t tight enough, you can stick it up my... WOO!"

 

by Zimri
6-08-06
Johnny, leave him alone!
He's had enough!
I'll decide when he's had enough!
What is wrong with you?
An enemy deserves no mercy!
Right!

 

by Zimri
6-14-06
Claire, put RUDY to BED and A-SUCK on my dick!
Cliff...
CLAIRE, I don't want to HEAR any of your LIP tonight!
We've GOT that midnight ABORTION appointment and then I want to hit the OPIUM den!

 

by Zimri
6-22-06
Have you ever heard the phrase "trippin' balls?"

 

by Zimri
6-24-06
Where da Jewish women at?!

 

by Zimri
7-02-06
So I admit to the fact that I'm close-minded.
You're the type of guy that likes to sit in diners late at night and smoke cigarettes and talk about music, right?
Yeah,
And God forbid you try something new or if anyone else has conflicting opinions, because you're the only one who TRULY knows, right?
...correct.
I love you.

 

by Zimri
7-04-06
My house sucks. I can't even smoke indoors.
I know how you feel...I can't even call in escort girls and pulverize their vaginas.
Parents just don't understand.
Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Yep.
Nice.

 

by Zimri
7-04-06
Did I tell you I have two jobs now?
Blow and hand?
Its actually "foot" and "rim"
Ah.

 

by Zimri
7-06-06
Next, Hitler's Henchman...followed by the Battle of the Bulge, in color.
Right here on the World War II Channe--I MEAN THE HISTORY CHANNEL, THE HISTORY CHANNEL!
Busted.

 

by Zimri
7-06-06
Next up, wild and crazy lemurs doing their thing in their own natural habitat.
Right here on the Bestiality Lovers Anonymous Networ---I MEAN ANIMAL PLANET!
Sexy.

 

by Zimri
7-06-06
Coming up next: Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh rub each other's beer bellies with oil.
Brought to you by The Republicans Are Always Right Channe--I MEAN FOX! FOX!
Fatasses.

 

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
by Zimri, 7-10-06

 

by Zimri
7-21-06
After a serious hour-long conversation with the Mandingo.
Whatever your plan is, I'm behind you.
Thanks.
Unless that's your plan!
To be behind you?!
0m6 73h 6Ayz0Rz j0x3!
73h 1001!

 

by Zimri
8-01-06
I think we're all ready for our trip to the city. You got the map?
Check.
Keys?
Check.
Bottle of Boone's Farm, condoms, and ball-gag?
Check check check

 

by Zimri
8-09-06
Miss Weiss, I have the results of your AIDs test.
Oh my God...
You've got AIDs.
Oh my GOD!
But look on the bright side of things: I personally used your urine sample in a Satantic ritual involving my pet goat Muriel last night.
Oh my...God?

 

by Zimri
8-09-06
Captain, sens-ors are picking up a disturbance in this system!
Ah...on screen
I suggest we use a probe, Captain.
An anal one?
Is there any other kind!?
Do me.

 

by Zimri
8-09-06
So you're saying for weird AND cool metal, you listen to Arcturus?
Yes, I certainly do.
I love talking about music with you, there, DragonXero.
The feeling is more than mutual, Zimri.
Goddamn this kid needs a shower.
Goddamn I need to fuck this squirrel.

 

by Zimri
8-09-06
Ugh! Jesus! Can you put that cigarette out!?
Why, does it bother you?
It does! Its not fair that I have to die because you have an addiction!
Maybe if you did die I could actually blow my load.
...check please!

 

by Zimri
8-14-06
I saw a bumper sticker the other day: "1-20-09: Bush's Last Day."
I can think of a better one.
"Everyday...give me a topless handjob."

 

by Zimri
8-14-06
Do you whack it with your left or right hand?
Left, even though I'm right handed.
Me, too, its the best way.
Yeah, the right hand goes over the old lady's mouth.

 

by Zimri
8-18-06
Roaring drunk at the local strip club
I only have two dollars.
I can lick your eyeball for that.
I like guys, too.
Do me.

 

by Zimri
8-22-06
Ugh, I feel so bloated...I need to get back into shape.
You were in shape?
You fucking bastard...

 

by Zimri
8-29-06
So I'm here for a checkup.
Yes you are.
Does this look infected?
...You just came blood all over me.
I'm pretty SURE I don't HAVE AIDs.

 

by Zimri
8-29-06
::Sigh:: You're NOT sick!
All you need is a sandwich and a good hard dick from me every night.
Yeah, I can hold on, Dad.

 

by Zimri
8-29-06
Man, my contacts are old...
Oh?
Yeah, I felt like my eyes were burning tonight.
That was just the facial you recieved from the tranny we were double teaming.
Right, what was her name again?
"Auntie" Maude.

 

by Zimri
8-29-06
My infatuation with Val Kilmer is well documented.
I've had a crush on him since I was twelve.
In other words, I'd let him punish my ass like it owed him money.

 

by Zimri
8-29-06
I don't get why women like Matthew McConaughey.
Why?
He's smelly, from Texas...
He probably doesn't get sexual satisfaction using an icepick.
...shut up and bend over.
Stupid fetish husband

 

by Zimri
9-06-06
There's beer bottles all over the place...what were you doing last night?
Star Trek marathon, sis.
Can't you watch Star Trek without drinking?!
It enhances the special effects.
Special effects?
Yeah, you know...watching you in the shower.

 

by Zimri
9-11-06
You're starting to get more recognition on the site.
Yeah...it makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually. I've got to be funnier now.
Yeah, no more half-ass comics just for filler.
And also no more carrying guns to Pantera concerts.

 

by Zimri
9-18-06
So, we're here with Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy "Extra Cheese On My Whopper" Reid. Hello, Coach.
Ehhhh.....hey....
What do you think of the overall performance of yesterday's loss?
Ehhhh....I think the.....AHEM...ehhh...offensive line did their job....ehhhh....
Eagles fans are speculating that you were not able to think on your feet when the Giants changed around their offense.
...I like my cheesesteaks with butter.

Showing page 8.

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