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All comics by seanator

 

Marmadookie by seanator 9-10-09
One fine day... My kids want a dog, but I really don't know if they are responsible enough. Pfft! Anybody can handle a dog, all it takes is a bag of kibble! And what do you get in return? Man's best friend!	Yeah... I guess you are right. You won't regret it when you come home everyday to a big warm hello!	2 weeks later... That came out of an ass?

 

Public Option by seanator 9-10-09
One fine day... I've got an idea! Let's socialize the mailing system! Yeah! Well call it the post office!	Our low prices will destroy FedEx AND UPS! Nobody will ever use anything else to send packages! Yeah, and well have a mail panel where WE decide what gets sent and what doesn't!	And well make the rich pay for it ALL! I can't wait until we can do it with health care too!

 

Death Panel by seanator 9-10-09
One fine day... I'm sorry, you have to die. You clearly had cancer for a while, its just your time to go. We can't have you draining our finances. Oh dear.	See? I told you they would mandate death panels! That was the insurance company.

 

Feeling around the new place. by seanator 9-13-09
One fine day... Hey welcome, I can see you're new here. Why yes I am, this is such a nice place.	Yes and Ms. Keller really keeps it that way. She does seem like a nice lady.	Where are my manners? My name's WAAAHTURR Nice to meet you, I'm WAHTURR

 

First mate Garth by seanator 9-13-09
One fine day... Yarr, first mate Garth, have ye' finished peeling the potatoes? I finished putting my cock in your potatoes	Excellent.. Wait what? I rubbed my johnson all over your potatoes, deal with it.	Deal with it? What the fuck? This is a DICTATORSHIP! Heh, more like a Dick tater ship.

 

First mate Garth by seanator 9-14-09
One fine day... Yarr, umm, first mate Garth, did you swab the poop deck yesterday? It's lookin perty crummy. I swabbed your wife's poop deck yesterday if you know what I mean.	My wife? I have no wife. My wife is the sea! I know.	Did the phone just ring? Guess not.

 

How kids talk. by seanator 9-14-09
One fine day... You wanna go hang out with Jimmy and his friends? Fuck that.	Why? just because he's gay? No, he's also a dick.	But you're a dick. Yes, but he's a gay dick, and as such he only associates himself with assholes.

 

Everywhere he goes by seanator 9-28-09
One fine day... Pardon me asking, but it says here on your credit card your name is Joel Gosselin...	Yes... I'm one of the "plus eight" Remember when your dad started fucking the maid and your mom surpassed octomom as media slut?	I hope your mattress catches fire tonight. You're a chronic bedwetter so you wouldn't have to worry about that.

 

Famous Debates by seanator 9-29-09
One fine day... You're just a dumb ole doggy You're mentally retarded	You can't talk You can't think	You drool all over the place as do you

 

Deckhand Chuck by seanator 10-08-09
One fine day... I AM THE GOD OF LIGHT AND LUCK AND I AM ALWAYS DOWN TO- Deckhand Chuck! What the fuck? Ye' be surely out of luck if ye don't start cleanin up the muck.	That was a nice rhyme scheme gramps, did the effort make you poop your pants? Now ive given ye all this chance, but it is on the plank ye shall dance!	This is gay

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-20-09
I never ran into any Jews that thought that Obama was the next Hitler....	That's probably because they are all in hiding.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-20-09
The most inappropriate time to get an erection is when you are putting your poor little dog down.	I mean, you JUST got finished with him.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-20-09
Have you ever accidentally hit a small mammal, like a possum or a cat in your car?	I have, four times in one day!	To be fair it was the same baby.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-20-09
Two years ago, my dog came down with a rare kidney disease...	I begged and pleaded the vet, "Is there anything I can do to save my best friend?" and she wrote me a 500 dollar perscription for a vaccination.	My new dog howls when you play the harmonica!

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-21-09
It would be fucked up to deny a starving man food.	It would be even more fucked up to give a starving man sunflower seeds.	It's like a race against time.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-21-09
I hate adventures, I hate quests...	But most of all I hate capers.	They always end up salty and bitter, and I was expecting peas.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-21-09
One fine day... Some people say that old people are useless...	What they fail to realize is 5% of Sweden's power comes from incinerators!

 

Rate my standup by seanator 10-21-09
I'm currently single, and even though sex is great, women whine too much for it to even be worth it!	"What about MY needs?" "You only think about yourself!" "I'm only ten!"

 

Men men men men manly men men men by seanator 10-26-09
One fine day... Wow Jeff, it sure is flattering that you're ME for Halloween! I'm actually "Two and a Half Men".	That, my friend, is a lame costume. You should never be forced to explain! I normally don't have to.	I'm childish, sexist, sexually obscure, and not funny at all.

 

Fun Fact #20 by seanator 10-27-09
Fact! The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.	The foley artist later went on to track sound effects for classics like "Backyard Sluts 5" and "Jeremiah's Johnson, Mountin' Man"

 

Fun Fact #21 by seanator 10-28-09
Fact! The world's longest game of Monopoly lasted more than 660 hours.	The banker was cheating but went bankrupt anyway, and had to be bailed out by the United States Government.

 

Shitty parties. by seanator 11-02-09
One fine day... So, what do you do for a living? I am a buttplug quality control tester and an accountant	So you make your money shoving things up your ass. No, I make most of it accounting.	I could make an accounting joke here, would you like to clarify? Quality control is my "passion"

 

Rate my standup by seanator 11-09-09
This homeless looking guy came up to me yesterday and asked me through his gums if I wanted to make a million dollars...	I had to tell him there's no such thing as the tooth fairy.

 

Rate my Standup

For once, I want to find a guy that acts to support his carreer in gay porn.

by seanator, 11-09-09

 

Rate my standup by seanator 11-09-09
The most obnoxious things ever invented have got to be toilet paper seat covers...	They always tear, get flushed prematurely, and obscure the camera.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 11-09-09
I like toast, but I hate it when it scratches my throat...	so I've started making it in the microwave	I call it "When are we getting a new toaster?"

 

Rate my standup by seanator 11-09-09
I finally figured out how to catch the gingerbread man.	You just need to lure him with a house made of children.

 

Rate my standup

The most inappropriate time to get a boner is when your friend is describing to you an inappropriate time when he got a boner.

by seanator, 11-09-09

 

The more you know ~* by seanator 11-10-09
One fine day... In my country we pool our food together so if we don't have enough for everybody, at least everybody gets something. In my country we eat more than we're supposed to so we run in place on treadmills to burn it off.	That seems sort of like a waste. It does, doesn't it?	It's sort of like pouring high quality gas into a car and then just driving it in circles. Hey, we do that too!

 

You are a first class nerd if you laugh at this. by seanator 11-13-09
One fine day... Your motherboard so fat she can safely overclock to 300%. Yo motherboard so fat she has 10 RAM expansion ports.	Yo motherboard so fat she uses an aerodynamics testing room as her cooling fan. Yo motherboard so fat she uses the Eiffel Tower as a heatsink.	Yo motherboard so fat the BIOS needs an onboard GPS. Yo motherboard so fat it takes 2 hours to POST.

 

Two-pass system by seanator 11-16-09
One fine day... So those are your basic duties here at the morgue. Any questions? Yeah, are there any water fountains down here?	No, I'm sorry there isn't. How about a bathroom?	You could always just pee in a kidney. That'll solve both of your problems. Natures brita?

 

In the FUUUTURE! by seanator 11-16-09
Now... Im sure you'll be very happy with your lap-band surgery. I can't wait to be physically unable to overeat.	In the future... What are you in here for? I'm getting my butthole steel plated so I can eat Taco Bell again. Had one of those last week, I'm just widening my urethra so I don't splatter when I pee with a boner.

 

Remember when... (with chen) by seanator 11-16-09
One fine day... Remember when Sarah Palin said the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is lipstick?	That was clever...	...but my pit bull has "lipstick" right now.

 

Daddy knows best by seanator 11-17-09
One fine day... Daddy, can you really get AIDS from a toilet seat? Son, I once rubbed my junk all over a toilet at the nearby IHOP just to prove to my dumb friends that you can't.	I was wrong.

 

Remember when Sean made that REALLY offensive pun... by seanator 11-17-09
One fine day... Remember when San Fransisco made history by electing an openly gay man in order to takes strides toward equality?	I laughed so hard I shot Milk.

 

Famous Debates by seanator 11-20-09
One fine day... I'm all knowing. There is no debate on whether or not I exist.	I'm GOD! I'm real.	I can make a sponge wet or the floor soggy.

 

Rate my standup by seanator 11-22-09
One fine day... Whenever a chick brings up that she does yoga every guy in the room automatically imagines banging a pretzel...	What they fail to realize is since yoga promotes the release of gasses, its basically one huge fart-fest.	The only pose I associate with yoga is "Downward facing dong"

 

Kiss my grandpa's ass by seanator 11-23-09
Dave is your run of the mill security guard...	except for one secret power, his kisses cure cancer!	but kissing people with cancer grosses him out. You can practically "sense" the dying...

 

I deserve a trophy. by seanator 12-02-09
One fine day... Dude, I pop multiple boners for Sasha Grey You can pop multiple boners?	Yeah man I have multiple dicks.	...and one of them is black! I think thats because of a little process called "atrophy"

 

Rate my standup! by seanator 12-10-09
One fine day... What's worse, a fly in the house...	or learning that your best friend is joining NAMBLA?

 

Gary the ineffective pedophile

One fine day... I know! I'll hide all my hot 8-year-old poon tang pictures right next to my hard drive!

by seanator, 12-10-09

 

Rate my standup! by seanator 12-10-09
One fine day... I remember when I was a young child, not yet jerked by the hand of adolescence thinking...	I certainly hope I don't grow up to be a pedophile someday.

 

My cat is blacklisted. by seanator 12-22-09
One fine day... No cat, I don't think that it would work that way. Meow	I know it seems like it works out on paper, but complete financial equality is just bad for business. Meow	Where the hell did you get that idea? Mao

 

Famous Debates by seanator 12-22-09
One fine day... So Dave, who would you say is the most important person in history? I'm gonna have to go with Jesus. I'd have to go with Bernie Mac.	BERNIE MAC? are you kidding? Jesus turned water into wine! Bernie Mac starred in a show that was praised by millions.	Jesus died to save us from our sins! Bernie Mac died to save us from Oceans 14!

 

We can fight back, we have the tools.

One fine day... Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Is that a bellpepper in your pocket or do you just have a huge muff?

by seanator, 12-23-09

 

I believe you

One fine day... That's a load of smoked ham!

by seanator, 1-08-10

 

How's the family? by seanator 1-18-10
One fine day... So how is Jenny doing? Well, Jenny has quite the green thumb.	I never knew she was such a skilled gardener. No, I mean she's bulimic.

 

Rate my standup! by seanator 1-18-10
One fine day Ever have a stick of gum fall out of your mouth randomly?	It always seems to happen whenever you're jogging... talking...	...performing cunnilingus.

 

I'm a stripper! by seanator 1-18-10
One fine day... ..Oh yeah! back that ass up- Wait, are you texting?	Yeah, im talking to my best friend about how my yeast infection is bubbling from my cunt like a witch's cauldron. I guess I'll be going then.	Was it something I said? No, It's just the shitstains on your knickers look like a rorschach Andy Rooney.

 

Never had a friend like me... by seanator 1-27-10
One fine day... If you could use any character from any movie to describe your personality who would it be? The Dude, because he abides.	I'd be Genie from Aladdin, I make all your wishes come true, I am great company, I.. Talk too fucking much.	...Like Genie!

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