All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Did you get anything for finishing that 50-mile charity bike ride?
Just one of those rubber wrist bands--it says "Ride 4 AIDS."
Are you going to wear it?
Yeah, as a cockring the next time I bareback some dude.

 

On a scale of one-to-ten, how gay am I?
Eight.
Eight? No way! What's a ten?
That's a guy who goes clubbing every night and dances shirtless with his hands over his head.
What's a one?
Me.

 

What's your scene?
I'm not in any scene.
Everyone has a scene.
I don't.
How am I supposed to know if I like you?

 
Looking for something?
Yes.
A knothole.

 

I took my dog to the vet yesterday.
He was so excited and wagging his tail so much, the doctor couldn't take his temperature.
It's time for your prostate exam.
Remember that story I just told you?

 

I'm going to prescribe an anti-inflammatory for you.
Are there any side-effects?
Your wrist will straighten out, you'll lisp less, and you'll stop referring to guys as "girlfriend."

 

Do you think I'll ever settle down?
There has to be a woman out there for you somewhere.
Not that I've ever seen one, but I'm sure they exist.

 

I just painted my bedroom--wanna see?
Sure.
You know, in all the years I've known you, this is the first time I've been in your bedroom.
There really wasn't a reason until now.

 

I have one thing to say to all the married people I know who are against gay marriage.
I want all those wedding gifts I bought you back.

 

I'm uncut.
Just because it barely pokes out, doesn't mean you weren't circumcised.

 

Do you think we could ever get back together?
Well, you're a Gemini and I'm a Virgo.
What does that mean?
It means I thoroughly analyzed the situation and reached a logical conclusion.
And?
I still love one of you.

 

I've had one-night stands with half the guys in here.
Lucky you.
Not one of them is interested in a relationship, though.
Lucky you.
Why do you say that?
You can't spell stud without STD.

 

I've been eating this new cereal--it really cleans me out.
What do you mean?
It has the fiber consistency of braided twine.
You don't get enough biting pillows?

 

Are you wearing that LiveStrong bracelet because you know someone with cancer?
No.
Is it because you're a cyclist and you like Lance Armstrong?
No.
Then why are you wearing it?
It goes with this shirt.

 

What's it like being gay?
A lot like being straight.
Except I can grab women's breasts without them slapping me.
And you're sure it isn't a choice?

 

I want you to search deep in your heart...
Isn't there something you want to ask Jesus?
Yes.
How did you get those great abs?
Cross training.

 

Dear Fag...If the United States allowed gays to serve openly in the military, would you join?
Dear Private Dancer...
I don't even shop at Old Navy.

 

What did you do this weekend?
I went to the nude beach.
Did you get naked?
Yeah.
Is it some kind of turn on parading around naked in front of other guys?
Nah, I don't want someone sticking it where the sun don't shine.

 

Dear Fag, Do all gay men have good fashion sense, or is it just the ones with limp wrists and lisps?
Dear Men's- Pants-Half-Off: To all of you out there who continue to perpetuate this stereotype, I have just two words...
Thank you.

 

dear fag, when i work the door at the 'fetish nights' at the club, why do half the homos have to flirt with me? are 50% of all gay men into 'bears'?
Dear Back Door Man: If 50% of gay men are into you, that makes you one thing...
A very loose power bottom.

 

dear fag, if a gay man says i'm attractive, should i take it as a compliment that a girl would say to me?
Dear Narcissus: No, you shouldn't take that compliment in the same way...
We have higher standards than women.

 

How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Yeah.
Are you getting enough to eat?
Yeah, why do you ask?
I was your major source of protien.

 

I'm thinking about switching teams.
WHOA! How come?
All this working out lately has given me a nice butt, and I feel it's going to waste.
So you're turning straight? That makes no sense.
No, I'm just thinking with an ass like this, it's unfair to be such a top.

 

What's new?
Not much...
I've become really self-absorbed lately.
How come?
I have nobody else to absorb me.

 

Sometimes I think I'll never find anyone.
All gay guys care about is physical appearance.
Why can't they see the person inside me?
Because you ate him?

 

I went to the doctor the other day.
Why?
I saw a sore on my cock and I thought I had syphilis.
Turns out I had just rubbed it raw.

 

He didn't even give me a prescription for my sore.
He told me to put something on it to keep it moist.
Neosporin?
Mayonaise.
Man-aise.

 

The doctor also told me to avoid touching myself.
I just did, though.

 

I couldn't help but jerk off.
Did you get hard when you smeared the mayo on because it was just like lube?
Uh...I just fucked the jar...
...and thought of you.

 

Hey man, wanna hookup?
Is that a wedding ring on your hand?
Yeah, I'm married, but I've always wanted to mess around with a dude.
Think of your wife!
I won't have to--you're hot.

 

You seem like a regular guy--you're like normal in every way.
You don't have any of that gay drama.
There's no way we're compatable.

 

Did you buy a birthday present for mom yet?
I have no idea what to get her.
Why don't you give her a facial?
Isn't that dad's job?

 

I went out on a date tonight with a guy I met at The Hole.
Sick.
He was nice.
That place isn't my scene.
I prefer big, beefy men with hairy chests and legs.
Did he actually buy you dinner, or did he swat a salmon out of a stream?

 

Leave the light on.
How come I can't turn the light off?
There's a monster in the closet.
That's just Kevin Spacey.

 

How come I can't find a hot boyfriend?
It's the Gay Paradox.
What do you mean?
Guys who are hotter than you consider you below their league so they won't talk to you, and you're not interested in guys who are uglier than you.
True--but what about guys who are equally as attractive as me?
They're looking for the same thing you are.

 

I'm going to be in London next week.
I'd fly down from Glasgow to visit you...
But I'd have to figure out how to explain to my girlfriend I'm going to see some gay guy I chat with on the internet.
How did you explain the skirt?

 

It pisses me off that the Red Cross and the government refuse to let gays donate blood.
It shouldn't.
IT'S DISCRIMINATORY! It assumes we're all HIV positive.
You need to look at it another way...
Contaminating the blood supply is one less thing they can blame us for.

 

I got my dick pierced.
Ouch.
Go ahead...get all of your questions out of the way now.
I just have one.
Did you do it just so people would ask to see your dick?

 

I hate having to find a new place to get my hair cut.
Need a cut today?
Ummm...is there anyone here with nicer hair?
No.
No.

 

What can I get you?
Saphire & tonic.
Gin will make you sin.
I certainly hope so.

 

Hey, how's it going?
I feel like thit.
Did you just say, "THIT?"
Yeth. I'm thick and I have a canker thore on the tip of my tongue.
Like you need an excuse to lisp.

 

I'll talk to you next week.
Where will you be?
I'm going to London to visit the Queen.
What's his name?
I hope it's Big Ben.

 

Did you bring me back anything from your trip?
I bought you a souvenir carton of cigarettes at the airport.
That's an odd gift.
They were duty-free.
I don't smoke.
You'd start if you loved me.

 

Wow, that was messy.
What the hell were you doing in there?
I was...uh...
Jerking off?
The Ikea catalog came today.

 

You coming over to the house on Sunday?
I don't know...it's going to be a big family thing for you. I'd feel out of place.
My dad says if you're there, he won't have to talk to the relatives.
I'm your dad's exit strategy?
Creepy, huh?
Okay, but no kissing.

 

I never thought I wanted to get married until a couple years ago.
What changed?
You people decided I shouldn't.

 

If sexual orientation wasn't genetic, would you still choose to be gay?
Yeah.
Why?
Because you never hear fags quoting Larry the Cable Guy.
GIT 'ER DONE!

 

I need a boyfriend.
Get out there.
The week after Pride? No way.
Yeah, half the guys are waiting to see if anything will come out of their post-parade hook-ups.
Better to let the froth subside.

 

I don't know if I could ever trust you with my child.
Fuck you.
It has nothing to do with the fact that you're gay, but...
Whatever you're about to say will somehow relate to me being gay.
One guilt trip later...
You need to lose that baby fat if you want any chance at getting laid.

 

Hey! You made it.
I was going to ride my bike over, but I didn't want everyone to see me in my cycling gear.
That would have been so hot.
I know for a fact that you, of all people, would not find a sweaty, spandex-wearing man sexy.
Normally, no, but you remind me of my girlfriend.

Showing page 9.

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